Guest List Issue - Unwanted Guests

Jerrica1218 · September 2013

I have a guest list issue that has become way out of hand. My fiance and I from the start told our parents we were aiming for a smaller wedding of 100 guests max. We made our list and asked our parents for any requests (which I think was our first mistake, as we are paying for 100% of the wedding..). His mom wanted to invite her 3 sisters (and two of their husbands).

The first issue I had with this is that they never go to family gatherings and I have not met them. My fiance hasn't seen them in years and didn't even know which ones were married, or their last names.. We initially told her no in a polite way, saying we wanted to keep it intimate with people we are close to.

A few months later, unknown to me, my fiance and his mom had breakfast and she 'guilted' him into calling these aunts (who did not receive a save the date) and tell them we meant to send them a save the date. They all responded with "Ok we'll be there!" .... So once I found out I figured since they didn't receive a formal save the date, maybe there will still be a way around it.

Our wedding shower comes a month later - my fiance's aunt who hosted the shower, my fiance, and I were all under the impression that those aunts were not on the guest list for the shower. His mom was in charge of mailing the shower invites. My fiance and I were both surprised when two out of the three aunts showed up. The third also sent a gift card. Now I feel stuck with inviting strangers to my wedding! I've tossed around the idea of having my fiance call these aunts again and explain that since we moved halfway across the country just two months ago that our budget has changed and while we loved having them at the shower and we'd like them at the wedding, our budget will now only allow a smaller wedding with those closest to us. Am I just stuck inviting them now?

yellowdaisies84 · September 2013

I'd plan to invite them to the wedding.

bethsmiles · September 2013

It's only 5 people. If you were having a wedding with 20 people I could see that being awkward but with 100 people you will barely notice they are there.

I do think your FMIL is being way to pushy but your FI should have backed you. His phone call telling them they were invited is the big issue here. He extended a verbal invitation and it's going to make both of you look bad if you don't invite them now.

Also, I'm not really sure why you are surprise the aunts were invited if your FMIL was in charge of sending out the invites.

APDSS22 · September 2013

You're pretty much stuck with inviting them now, especially since your FI called them and told them you guys meant to send them an STD. And since they gave you presents for your shower it would be rude to not invite them to the wedding, even though it was your FI's mother who invited them. If your FI hadn't called them you might've been able to push the rudeness off on his mom for inviting them to a pre-wedding event when they weren't supposed to be because they weren't on the wedding invite list.

WinstonsGirl · September 2013

Jerrica1218 said:

I have a guest list issue that has become way out of hand. My fiance and I from the start told our parents we were aiming for a smaller wedding of 100 guests max. We made our list and asked our parents for any requests (which I think was our first mistake, as we are paying for 100% of the wedding..). His mom wanted to invite her 3 sisters (and two of their husbands).

The first issue I had with this is that they never go to family gatherings and I have not met them. My fiance hasn't seen them in years and didn't even know which ones were married, or their last names.. We initially told her no in a polite way, saying we wanted to keep it intimate with people we are close to.

A few months later, unknown to me, my fiance and his mom had breakfast and she 'guilted' him into calling these aunts (who did not receive a save the date) and tell them we meant to send them a save the date. They all responded with "Ok we'll be there!" .... So once I found out I figured since they didn't receive a formal save the date, maybe there will still be a way around it.

Our wedding shower comes a month later - my fiance's aunt who hosted the shower, my fiance, and I were all under the impression that those aunts were not on the guest list for the shower. His mom was in charge of mailing the shower invites. My fiance and I were both surprised when two out of the three aunts showed up. The third also sent a gift card. Now I feel stuck with inviting strangers to my wedding! I've tossed around the idea of having my fiance call these aunts again and explain that since we moved halfway across the country just two months ago that our budget has changed and while we loved having them at the shower and we'd like them at the wedding, our budget will now only allow a smaller wedding with those closest to us. Am I just stuck inviting them now?

I think you'd better plan on them being there, based on what your mom is telling them. But my question is why you offered you parents the chance to make requests if you didn't want other people there in the first place. We waited to offer spaces for our parents until we were sure of our guest list and still had room. It just seems to me like you made the offer to give them guest space and then rescinded it when you didn't like who they wanted to invite, though there may be more to the story you haven't mentioned yet

Jerrica1218 · September 2013

What I meant by asking for any requests from our parents: We sent them a copy of our guest list and asked if there was anyone important we may have overlooked. It wasn't an invitation for the parents to just invite people without our knowledge. I think "requests" is the key word.. it didn't mean that if they gave us a list of 30 people that they were for sure invited.

Jerrica1218 · September 2013

All of you make good points. Trust me I've had the "you should have had a back bone and stood up for what we agreed on" talk with fiance and he feels awful now, but the damage is done.

And I was surprised they were invited because she was given a list of the people invited to the shower by his aunt (the host). I guess I trusted her not to add people.

I know its only 5 people out of our now 95 person guest list, but I know all of the other guests.. It just bugs me that I'm going to have to explain that my name is in fact "Jerrica" and not "Jessica" on my wedding day. lol Plus now that they are invited my own mom wants more distant family invited that I had originally said no to.

WinstonsGirl · September 2013

Jerrica1218 said:

What I meant by asking for any requests from our parents: We sent them a copy of our guest list and asked if there was anyone important we may have overlooked. It wasn't an invitation for the parents to just invite people without our knowledge. I think "requests" is the key word.. it didn't mean that if they gave us a list of 30 people that they were for sure invited.

Ok, that makes more sense. I'd still count on them being there. As for the name issue, at my cousin's wedding this past summer, the BM called her by the wrong name throughout his entire speech. We're not sure if it was some inside joke or if he was actually serious.

As for more distant family, put your foot down with a big no to your Mom. Good luck with her

Viczaesar · September 2013

You need to invite them. Your FI already extended a verbal invitation by promising to send them an STD, and they've also been invited to the shower on top of that.

clg1213 · September 2013

I think you need to try to adjust your thoughts a bit. FI has family I haven't met that will get invites to our wedding and we're aiming for around 100. Think of them as family, or at least FMIL's family, rather than strangers. Even adjusting the wording in your head will help you accept the fact that they will be invited and may very well come.

And now you HAVE met them so it won't be quite as hard. Just smile and say "Thanks so much for coming" and you're all set....they'll likely talk amongst themselves/other relatives and not need special attention

Side story -- At my first wedding, unbeknownst to me, my X invited two women from his work at the last minute since we had cancellations (big etiquette fail there to start). I had to ride up two levels to the space when I got the "ready for the bride" call....I did keep one of my BMs behind since the others went up before. I got in the elevator and there were two women, dressed up and going to our wedding-only floor, I was totally thrown and did a quick "Ummm, hi, I guess you figured out who I am, you must know X"

hoffse · September 2013

Here's the thing: you will talk to them for 5-10 minutes and then that will be the end of it. Frankly, I felt guilty about how little time I spent with guests who flew thousands of miles to be with us (we had a few from overseas attend and a huge group from California - we got married in GA). H and I did what we could to make the rounds, and I do think we spoke briefly with everybody, but I can't say that I really remember even one conversation because they were so brief. We had a large group we had to get through to be proper hosts.

Having people you've never met at your wedding is just not a big deal from a social standpoint. I understand that many couples want the day to feel intimate, but with a guestlist your size it's not going to feel that way. I think we had maybe 50 or so people I had never met or hadn't seen in nearly 20 years, between the long-lost relatives who got on an airplane to show up, H's Belgian family members who put aside their 30-year-long feud to all be there, and the SO's of my single friends who were "introduced" to our group for the first time that weekend. Again, not a big deal.

When you start to resent it remember that in the big picture of life this is one day, you're talking about only 5 people, and they ARE your FI's immediate aunts and uncles. These aren't second cousins once removed or anything like that. And isn't it nice that they want to celebrate with you and welcome you to the family, rather than being the type of people who only add drama to your day? Stick around and you'll read stories about some truly awful people that some couples have to put up with and manage on a day that's stressful enough.

I'm not trying to lecture you, I'm just trying to give you some perspective. I had similar feelings about all the people I wouldn't know well who were coming to our wedding. And I also wanted a small wedding, but ours exploded into nearly 300 invitations by the time our parents were done. At the end of the day I was so grateful and moved by the people who spent all that time and money to come be with us - and in retrospect it was so cool that our wedding basically was a catalyst for what became a family reunion for both our families. It had been years since that many people in each of our families had been in the same place together. Try to embrace it instead of resenting it. There are much MUCH bigger hills to die on than this.

allispain · September 2013

OP, I get that your FI barely knows these aunts (not to mention their spouses) since he hadn't seen them in years. However, he gave in to his mother and invited them, which means that you can't take that back now.

As other PPs have said, you really won't notice they're there except maybe to say hello and greet them for a couple minutes during the reception. Besides, what if your FI were to reconnect with them at the wedding or shortly after? Wouldn't that be a nice thing?

Our wedding had a total of 87 guests at it. This included 3 members of DH's family (aunt, uncle, and half brother) that I had never met before. It also included all of my aunts and uncles as well as about half of my cousins (about 15 people total) - none of whom DH had met prior to the wedding since my family is spread all over the country. I hadn't even seen some of my most far-flung cousins in a decade. I was thrilled that they were all there - we got to get to know each other as adults as opposed to kids, my family got to finally meet DH, and we had a truly wonderful time together.

loves2shop4shoes · September 2013

You were stuck from the moment your spineless FI called those aunts and invited them because "mommy told him to".

Are you really sure you want to marry a guy who can't enforce boundaries with his mother?

Belichick · September 2013

loves2shop4shoes said:

You were stuck from the moment your spineless FI called those aunts and invited them because "mommy told him to".

Are you really sure you want to marry a guy who can't enforce boundaries with his mother?

Sorry, this is where I'm at. I'm not saying that you should call off the wedding but I think you're focusing your anger on your FMIL because it's easier than being angry with your FI. She was pushy but your FI made the choice to pick up the phone and call them.

At this point the have to be invited to the wedding. I also think you need to take a hard look at your FI's relationship with his mother. If he backs down to her over your wedding what will he be like when you have children?

svc2014 · September 2013

Belichick said:

loves2shop4shoes said:

You were stuck from the moment your spineless FI called those aunts and invited them because "mommy told him to".

Are you really sure you want to marry a guy who can't enforce boundaries with his mother?

Sorry, this is where I'm at. I'm not saying that you should call off the wedding but I think you're focusing your anger on your FMIL because it's easier than being angry with your FI. She was pushy but your FI made the choice to pick up the phone and call them.

At this point the have to be invited to the wedding. I also think you need to take a hard look at your FI's relationship with his mother. If he backs down to her over your wedding what will he be like when you have children?

Wow this is really harsh! Some guys have no idea of etiquette and don't see how guest stuff can be a big deal and cause family drama. She said she talked to him about it...

That being said I agree with the other posters, you are stuck inviting them now. Just try to not let it get to you and move on with the positive things.

I would have a serious talk with your FMIL because it sounds like there was a major communication break down between what you and her each expected. I would explain how her going around you to only the FI was disrespectful and in the future you'd like to talk with her directly if she has a problem rather than her jumping in and doing something behind your back. She is going to be in you life for long time so setting up a good understanding with her from the start will be helpful to you and your FI in the future. Its better if you have this conversation directly with her rather than send your FI to do the bidding for you. From a MIL's perspective if just the FI runs over and says how upset the bride/wife is it makes her look like she has the man "whipped." Make sure it is a family discussion with all of you present. As for him just make sure he understands that you and him are acting/speaking as one unit in the future so he never gets stuck in the middle again.

svc2014 · September 2013

scribe95 said:

I actually think the MIL did exactly the right thing - she talked to her son about why she couldn't invite her siblings. We usually tell brides here to let FI handle his side; she handles hers etc. Also, I still don't really understand what the big deal was with inviting a few aunts to a 100 person wedding. I thought this request was reasonable and should have been granted in the first place.

I strongly disagree with this advice (bolded). I think with minor questions sure but when it reaches this level of a problem it the couple should handle it together with whichever party it involves. Everyone should be adult enough to confront each other calmly (they are going to be family soon after-all). I know if there was a problem and I had to run to defend my FI alone my family would feel hurt that he wasn't comfortable enough to be in the conversation and probably annoyed that he didn't have the guts to do so, too.

svc2014 · September 2013

scribe95 said:

The couple should handle it together. I agree. The MIL talked to FI and he should have gone home to talk to the bride and they should have made a decision together. He didn't. He screwed up. But I don't think the MIL was out of bounds talking to her son about why her siblings couldn't come to his wedding.

Thanks for clarifying! I agree with that. The FI needs to act as more of a unified front in the future. It still sounds like the FMIL had been doing these things (how she mailed the shower invites) without them knowing which if they are annoyed about should talk to her about it together.

delujm0 · September 2013

OP, you should surf these boards a bit, and then realize how lucky you have it - at least your FMIL is just asking to invite her sisters, who are physically related to your FI. There are a lot of stories on here about MILs wanting to invite random friends and church acquaintences, etc. and doing sneaky things like inviting them to the shower KNOWING that they weren't on the original guest list just to force the Bride's hand.

These are your FI's aunts. They should be there. And now that they've gone to your shower, you've presumably met them, so not knowing them shouldn't be an issue.

I've been with my FI for almost 9 years now, and his mom had about two dozen extended cousins, etc on the guest list she sent us that i had never met. we decided to avoid the arguement and just invite them - most of them didn't show for his sister's wedding 3 years ago (which was in their home town) so i'm guessing that they won't be flying or driving 8 hours to show up at ours. and it keeps his mom and grandmother happy. Apparently there was recently a near WWIII because his sister didn't invite these people to her baby shower a few months ago. i'm not interested in getting involved with that.

Guest List Issue - Unwanted Guests

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