Invite to Bridal Shower if Reception Only?

Hannah2108 · September 2013

My sister (and maid of honor) is wanting to throw a shower for me separate of my family showers and throw it just for friends who would not be invited to the family showers. My only issue with this is that due to two large families, our ceremony and dinner guest list is already at 220 and that is all we can afford with our venue. I am planning on inviting many people for the reception only, including those who my MOH is wanting to invite to a shower she will throw, I just have not been able to find anything for the proper etiquette on this matter. I have found that if they are not invited to the wedding at all, they should not be invited to the shower, but since they are invited to the reception, I am just unsure about how this would work. Thanks!!

misshart00 · September 2013

You're right. Don't invite people to a shower if they're not invited to the whole wedding. And don't invite people to just the reception after dinner. It's rude, especially with a guest list that's already 220.

APDSS22 · September 2013

Do not invite people to only the after-dinner part of the reception. It is called a tiered reception and is rude to your guests. Only invite people to the shower who are invited to the wedding ceremony and reception.

Viczaesar · September 2013

Hannah2108 said:

My sister (and maid of honor) is wanting to throw a shower for me separate of my family showers and throw it just for friends who would not be invited to the family showers. My only issue with this is that due to two large families, our ceremony and dinner guest list is already at 220 and that is all we can afford with our venue. I am planning on inviting many people for the reception only, including those who my MOH is wanting to invite to a shower she will throw, I just have not been able to find anything for the proper etiquette on this matter. I have found that if they are not invited to the wedding at all, they should not be invited to the shower, but since they are invited to the reception, I am just unsure about how this would work. Thanks!!

Let me see if I have this straight - you are invited 220 people to your ceremony and the dinner portion of your reception, and are planning on inviting "many" additional people for just the reception? Are those people not included in the 220? What exactly are you inviting them too? Your dinner is part of your reception, not a separate thing. If you are planning on inviting people in addition to the 220 to come to your reception after dinner that is horrifically rude. And no, people who are not invited to the ceremony itself should not be invited to a shower. But why would that matter anyway, since they're not in the top 220 guests of your wedding? Why would they be invited to a shower, which is supposed to be for the bride's closest friends and family?

LDubHawksFan · September 2013

Yep you can't throw a tiered wedding with guests coming only to the reception/dancing.

happyfor25 · September 2013

When you say inviting many people to the reception only, what exactly do you mean? The "reception" is the meal/party where you receive those who attended your wedding ceremony. If you plan to invite people to join you after the important people are fed, this is incredibly impolite.

So to answer your shower question...you should not invite these friends to a shower since you should not be inviting them to a tiered reception.

doeydo · September 2013

Inviting guests for the reception and not the ceremony is only acceptable if it is truly a tiny ceremony (with say 10 or so people). Otherwise, you are saying to your guests that they are not as important as the 220 other people.

Maggie0829 · September 2013

Viczaesar · September 2013

doeydo said:

Inviting guests for the reception and not the ceremony is only acceptable if it is truly a tiny ceremony (with say 10 or so people). Otherwise, you are saying to your guests that they are not as important as the 220 other people.

And even then it's still not acceptable to only invite them to part of the reception.

NYCMercedes · September 2013

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

Do not invite people to only the after-dinner part of the reception. It is called a tiered reception and is rude to your guests. Only invite people to the shower who are invited to the wedding ceremony and reception.

This is the answer in a nutshell.

RebeccaB88 · September 2013

Yes, shower guests must be invited to the entire wedding.

Anyone invited to the reception must be invited to the ENTIRE reception. And they need to be invited to the ceremony as well. If your limit is 220, then that's your limit for the entire event. If you MUST include these extra guests, then you need to find a bigger venue and adjust your budget to accomodate them.

If you just invite some people to the end of the reception, in effect you're sending the message that there are 220 other people in your life who are more important than they are. Even if you don't intend it that way, that's how it comes across. It's better to just not invite them at all and plan on seeing them after the wedding day.

Dreamergirl8812 · September 2013

But think of all the presents!!!

(kidding)

aurianna · September 2013

I know you want to celebrate with everyone but people are generally understanding and realize not everyone can always be invited to a wedding. Stick with the 220 for the entire event.

I understand that it's tempting to invite more to the dance afterwards because you want to hang out with all you friends. However it's not proper etiquette to do so. It isn't an honor to be invited to the after-dinner portion of a wedding reception.

Here are a few reasons it's rude to do so:
Your friends will know there were 220 people more important then them. While they might think this anyway if they weren't invited at all, the differences is you're asking them to spend the evening surrounded by these people who will be talking about the wonderful ceremony your other friends did not get to see and the wonderful food your other friends weren't important enough to eat. The difference is in one case you'll be committing no etiquette violations by not inviting them at all, and in the other case you'll be being a poor hostess by putting you friends in a situation that could prove uncomfortable.
By having them there at the venue you're also sort of rubbing it in their faces "see this awesome venue you're dancing in right now? Having this venue was more important to us than getting a cheaper venue and hosting you properly with dinner. (and while obviously that wouldn't be your intention, it does boil down to that. If you'd wanted more than 220 people, you could have found a cheaper venue)

Also weddings are often gift giving events. It hardly seems proper to invite people to a gift giving event in which they did not get to see the event itself or get fed. (and you can't get around that by saying "no gifts" because mentioning gifts at all on the invite is rude).

And what if dinner runs long? Will you turn people away who get there on time?
Will there be enough chairs?

And while I totally understand that you want extra friends after to dance and celebrate with you and that that is your true intention, some could view it as an attention grab. "I'm not paying to feed you, but I still want you to block off your weekend to come see me in my pretty white dress."
It's how it can come across.

So pleeeeeeeeeeeease reconsider the tiered reception.

As to your original question:
If you do go ahead with the tiered reception (please don't) by NO means should you invite those friends to the shower. It's telling them that they aren't good enough to see you get married, aren't good enough to get fed dinner, but are good enough to bring you a present.
I realize you'd want them at the shower to spend time with you and celebrate, but a shower is a gift giving event, so it's wrong to invite people to a gift giving event when they aren't invited to the event it's related to.

Good luck!

grumbledore · September 2013

My sister (and maid of honor) is wanting to throw a shower for me separate of my family showers and throw it just for friends who would not be invited to the family showers. My only issue with this is that due to two large families, our ceremony and dinner guest list is already at 220 and that is all we can afford with our venue. I am planning on inviting many people for the reception only, including those who my MOH is wanting to invite to a shower she will throw, I just have not been able to find anything for the proper etiquette on this matter. I have found that if they are not invited to the wedding at all, they should not be invited to the shower, but since they are invited to the reception, I am just unsure about how this would work. Thanks!!

You cannot invite people to the shower who are not invited to the wedding. And you cannot invite people to only part of the wedding. It's all or nothing. Good enough to dance the night away with you, good enough for dinner.

NYCMercedes · September 2013

@aurianna, well put!

Jen4948 · September 2013

@Aurianna said it best. If you really just want a wedding with 220 people, then those are the only people who should be invited at all, and they should be invited to the whole thing. Inviting anyone just to the reception would be hurtful.

Hannah2108 · September 2013

It was never a motivation to invite more people after the dinner simply to receive more gifts or to have more attention/spotlight on me. I would never expect any of those guests to bring gifts. As I said, nearly the whole guest list is family so there are quite a few friends we had wanted to invite so it was an idea to invite them to the reception only. Several people actually asked to be able to come to the reception specifically. I was just asking a question, I do not see why it is necessary to attack me in such a way on here. You may not agree with it, and that's fine, but telling me that I'm being rude in a rude manner is not much better. I have gotten back some helpful feedback and I appreciate that greatly.

NYCBruin · September 2013

scribe95 said:
Hannah - I don't think that is your motivation. Honestly. But the fact is that's how it will be perceived and some people will be offended. I would be upset if I was invited to only one part of the wedding day. Especially if there is a mega huge guest list.

I agree with this. I don't think you have bad intentions, but it sounds like you haven't thought out how this may look to your guests. (Incidentally, that is my favorite part of this website-it's helped me consider things I never had thought about before and avoid accidentally hurting someone's feelings).

I, for one, would feel slighted to only be invited to part of a wedding especially if over 200 people were invited to the whole event. No one likes feeling like they were second best, let alone, 201 best, KWIM? I would rethink your plan. Either find a larger venue or just stick to the original guest list. Best of luck!

hoffse · September 2013

Yeah inviting people to the reception only is really only OK when you have a teeny tiny ceremony - like 10 or so people. Even if you really do have 220 people in your family (I find this hard to believe but I know some people's families are huge) it's not going to come across as intimate enough to be able to pull this plan off without offending people.

People on these boards aren't trying to be rude or attack you - we have no vested interest in your wedding. Yes people on here are blunt but we read questions like this a lot. Frankly it's better to hear it from us directly than eventually hear it through the grapevine of people you love and care about. I can almost guarantee that if you do this, people WILL talk badly about you behind their backs - and it won't just be the second tier group who is talking about you, it will also include the first tier group who notices a big influx of people at the end of the night. Do you really want your grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and your FI's entire family to think you're rude for having a tiered reception? No you don't. So regardless of our delivery, it's better to get honest criticism from us first before putting a plan like this into action, because we all know you don't want to be that girl. None of us do, right?

As for the shower, PPs are correct - only people invited to the ceremony should be invited to the shower. Again, regardless of your personal feelings about presents, it will be perceived as "you want me to buy you a present but not witness your ceremony" if you invite extra people to the shower who aren't invited to the ceremony. People aren't mind-readers - they won't know that you're not in this for the presents. Step back for a moment and recognize that virtually everybody can be catty, even your best friends, and you will be fueling gossip about YOU if you do this. Not to mention the fact that you may hurt some people's feelings.

My final bit of advice is that I really think showers are much more pleasant with fewer people. We had a guestlist of about 300 for our wedding, and my shower had 30 invitations with about 25 people showing up. It was a great size. Opening gifts from 100 people in public will get very old very fast for both you and the guests. Keep it smaller and relatively intimate, and everybody will enjoy it that much more.

artbyallie · September 2013

Hannah2108 said:

It was never a motivation to invite more people after the dinner simply to receive more gifts or to have more attention/spotlight on me. I would never expect any of those guests to bring gifts. As I said, nearly the whole guest list is family so there are quite a few friends we had wanted to invite so it was an idea to invite them to the reception only. Several people actually asked to be able to come to the reception specifically. I was just asking a question, I do not see why it is necessary to attack me in such a way on here. You may not agree with it, and that's fine, but telling me that I'm being rude in a rude manner is not much better. I have gotten back some helpful feedback and I appreciate that greatly.

You seem to have missed the part where dinner is the reception. It is not okay to invite people and not feed them the same thing you're giving everyone else. Even if they ask to come, which is frankly also rude. Also, not one person attacked you or delivered their advice in a rude manner. Please quote a post you think did so if you wish to level such accusations. It is not 'attacking' to inform you that something is rude, particularly when you're on the etiquette board, where we will always advise how to be a good host to your guests.

crunchymamaof2 · September 2013

Hannah2108 said:

It was never a motivation to invite more people after the dinner simply to receive more gifts or to have more attention/spotlight on me. I would never expect any of those guests to bring gifts. As I said, nearly the whole guest list is family so there are quite a few friends we had wanted to invite so it was an idea to invite them to the reception only. Several people actually asked to be able to come to the reception specifically. I was just asking a question, I do not see why it is necessary to attack me in such a way on here. You may not agree with it, and that's fine, but telling me that I'm being rude in a rude manner is not much better. I have gotten back some helpful feedback and I appreciate that greatly.

Not one person was rude or attacked you. They were honest with you, which, when asking for advice, is what you'd want I'd think. And many posters specifically said that they knew being rude wasn't your intention (it rarely is). But what you plan on doing is rude, even though you're not trying to be. And even if your friends ASK to just attend the dance portion, its still rude. So, to answer the original question, no, those people can't be invited to the shower unless they're invited to the ENTIRE reception (and ceremony).

Have invites already gone out? If not (and no STDs sent either) you can try trimming some distant relatives to fit your friends or you can find a bigger venue. But I'd just leave things as is and you can celebrate with those friends later on (just a party, not a repeat reception I mean)

grumbledore · September 2013

Hannah2108 said:

It was never a motivation to invite more people after the dinner simply to receive more gifts or to have more attention/spotlight on me. I would never expect any of those guests to bring gifts. As I said, nearly the whole guest list is family so there are quite a few friends we had wanted to invite so it was an idea to invite them to the reception only. Several people actually asked to be able to come to the reception specifically. I was just asking a question, I do not see why it is necessary to attack me in such a way on here. You may not agree with it, and that's fine, but telling me that I'm being rude in a rude manner is not much better. I have gotten back some helpful feedback and I appreciate that greatly.

I believe you that you aren't trying to be rude and just want to include these additional guests, but what everyone has said is correct. It isn't polite to invite people after the fact once all the expensive stuff you did for your other guests is over. And no one was rude to you, just honest. Good luck!

Maggie0829 · September 2013

It is called being an adult and having to make tough choices. There were many people we wanted to include on our guest list for our wedding but we couldn't because of budget. Did it suck? Yes. But we had to make tough choices like every bride does. If you want your friends to come and celebrate with you then invite them to the whole wedding and pay for them to eat and drink like the rest of your guests. If your budget can not handle the additional guests then you have to put on your big girl pants and realize that sometimes tough choices have to be made.

cowgirl8238 · September 2013

@Acove2006 has a good suggestion. If you really can't afford to host your friends properly just hold a friendly party with them down the line. NO WEDDING STUFF though. No white dress, no registry and do not invite these friends to a shower of any kind. Just go out with them to celebrate! Otherwise do not include them at all as a tiered reception is extremly rude to all involved.

Also as a note, no one on these boards comments just to be rude, we are only trying to help you to throw a wedding following proper etigquette. Our advice is meant to help and you don't have to follow it.

happyfor25 · September 2013

I don't think you are trying to be rude either. If you do this, however, you will offend at least a few people that you care about.

I have an example from the perspective of someone invited to a tiered reception. I don't think this bride intended to offend, but she did...

My grown daughter received an invitation from a friend she had known all through school. The invitation wording was something like "You are invited for cake and dancing..." and the start time indicated was around 8:00pm. My daughter showed me the invitation and asked me "what does this even MEAN?" At the time, I have never heard of a tiered reception so I told her I had no idea. Also, there was registry information included with the invitation.

Several days later, my daughter had the following conversation with her friend...

Bride: Did you receive your invitation?

DD: Um, yeah.

Bride: You wouldn't believe how expensive it is to feed people at a reception! We decided to just invite family and close friends for dinner then have everyone else come after for cake and dancing. We figured everyone would want to see us on our special day! So, you're coming, right????

DD: Um, I guess.

I imagine the bride, in her bridal fog, considered DD's response to mean that she was totally OK with this plan. She was NOT. She did attend (and gave a gift) because this girl was special to her but their friendship was strained from that point forward. This was 3 years ago and they rarely speak now.

Important to note: DD also was invited to and attended a shower and a bachelorette party. She felt like she was good enough to give gifts and spend money on the bride, but only worthy of a piece of cake.

cowgirl8238 · September 2013

@happyfor25 that is a terrible thing that girl did to your daughter. I hope this puts into perspective for the OP and any other bride considering a tiered reception how it makes others feel. Your daughter is a better person than I. There is NO WAY I would have given a gift or gone to that reception! If I would have done either I would have committed several crimes against etiquette!

MrsLillyG · September 2013

I never knew people had tiered receptions before coming to the knot. Its so crazy! (and u look cheap) I would have eloped if I couldn't host everyone that I really really wanted to be there and I had exhausted all of the ways I could save money and cut costs. Its just a party.

MrsLillyG · September 2013

side note-I guess if tiered recpetions are typical and standard for everyone you plan to invite, I suppose you can do it. But I highly doubt its typical for everyone you're inviting unless you have never met anyone outside of a 0.25 mile radius of your house.

arrippa · September 2013

Please don't do this! We are not trying to be mean or attack you but it's a really rude, hurtful thing to do to your friends. Unfortunately, we all have to make cuts and people understand this. There are at least another 50 people I wish I could invite to my wedding but in order for me to properly host my wedding, I had to make cuts.

grumbledore · September 2013

One of my good friends did this, along with a bunch of other shitty, shitty stuff at and around her wedding. We aren't nearly as close as we were prior. It showed things about her I would rather not have known.

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