Would you consider this a red flag?

bethsmiles · September 2013

Last week I posted about my friend whose BF broke up with her because she was being a BSC pre-planner. When BF and I went camping with her that weekend we learned a lot about her relationship with him that we didn't know before. And quite frankly it sounds like a really unhealthy relationship. There were a lot of things she said that I side-eyed but the one thing I found really concerning is that when they get into an argument he can't control his temper and has gotten angry to the point of punching a hole in the wall.

Well they got back together (which I think is a truly horrible idea and BF agrees) but it's her life, her decision so we aren't saying anything. But it got me wondering - would you find punching a hole in a wall during an argument to be a red flag? Because I'd be wondering if the next time he'd be aiming at my face instead of the wall but maybe I'm just dramatic.

CASK85 · September 2013

It isn't something I'd tolerate in my own relationship. Is he typically aggressive like that? Were they drinking before the fight?

bethsmiles · September 2013

She said that he has a problem controlling his anger but it didn't say if that was the only time it's ever happened (but they've only been together for a few months) and no alcohol was involved. They were just having an argument over something she said wasn't even that big of a deal.

She honestly didn't seem that concerned about it but in my head I was thinking there is no way I'd stay in a relationship with a guy who punches things when he gets mad!

loves2shop4shoes · September 2013

Well, when I was growing up, my dad once got angry at my brother and me and punched a hole in my brother's bedroom wall. It scared the bejesus out of me because my father is normally the most emotionless, quiet, level-headed person.

So, I happen to have a strong personal bias when it comes to punching holes in walls. I'd probably leave and only agree to come back if he agreed to anger management classes. And if it ever happened again, I'd walk.

Edited for clarity.

Hummingbird125 · September 2013

I want to say this should be a red flag, but it probably depends a little bit on how it all went down. I mean, I know BF once punched a hole in a wall over a video game when he was very drunk (before we started dating). I also know that his friend punched a hole in a door when he found out his GF got pregnant. BF has never displayed even the slightest bit of violence in front of me, and his friend is now a great husband and father. If the guy got super frustrated and went into another room and punched a wall, it might mean he's an idiot who needs to learn how to handle his anger better, but it doesn't necessarily mean he'd ever hurt her. If he has threatened her and/or punched a wall like that in an effort to scare her, or did it right in front of/near her, I would be very, very concerned.

CLoGreenEyes · September 2013

That would bother me. Like a lot. I think things have gone too far when voices are raised, so an SO punching a hole in the wall would definitely cause me to rethink some stuff. I just wouldn't want to be with someone who needed to destroy stuff when he was angry. If you can't calm down with time, a walk, and some chocolate, something is wrong.

bride2b71614 · September 2013

Before I pass judgement, I'd want to know the full story, what was said, if the other person threatened him, or appeared to want to start a physical altercation. From what it sounds like, all of the above do not apply. People do a lot of stupid shit when they have poor emotional regulation especially when they get angry. As of now it sounds like an isolated incident. Punching a hole in a wall to express frustration is not a healthy way to release anger/regulate emotions (I think there was a study done saying that anger and punching objects doesn't help the anger subside and heightens it, but please don't quote me on that), plus its expensive in terms of damaging property. I do not under any circumstances condone violence. There are a few ways your friend can handle it. When there isn't a fight present, she could help him find other ways to regulate his emotions, help him identify when things are getting too heated and when to walk away, or something along those lines. Those are preventative measures. I think he needs to seek counseling, but its hard to suggest that without it blowing up in your face. I wish your friend the best of luck.

bethsmiles · September 2013

I think its just something I would consider a deal breaker. I don't plan on saying anything to her though.

phira · September 2013

If my partner punched a hole in the wall during an argument, I would leave him. Or at least, I would hope that I would leave him. Even if it's not physical violence directed at her, it's physical violence and it's a sign that he can't control his anger.

KeptInStitches · September 2013

It's absolutely a deal breaker to me. BF has never shown any signs of violence. I would always be wondering though when the wall would become me. Hugs to you and your friend - sounds like she's going to need a lot of support.

doubleSS07 · September 2013

I'm not sure I would have stuck around considering the fact that they have only been together a few months. That would most definitely be a red flag for me. My dad would get really angry with my mom when I was a kid and he punched several holes on walls, it scared the crap out of me! My mom was also cheating and he was hooked on pain killers from a bad back injury at work so there's that.

Both H and I agreed that there would be no throwing, punching things or slamming of anything when we fight because we both grew up in similar households and didn't want that for our relationship. I hope your friend knows what she's going back to because the cycle will most likely get worse as he continues to get away with not controlling his anger.

buddysmom80 · September 2013

My ex used to punch holes in the wall all the time when he was mad, like right next to my face. I'm a pro at patching up walls. Our relationship was emotionally,mentally and sometimes physically abusive towards me, so from my perspective, yes, it would cause some concern.

Like a PP said, there could be a huge back story as to why and how it went down. But, the other side of me thinks that there is more than one way to handle and arguement other than punching walls, yelling, etc. You talk shit out, that's how BF and I handle it. It's a complete 180 from my prior relationship and I like it a lot better.

minskat30 · September 2013

I would be very concerned if my partner punched a hole in the wall and would suggest immediate therapy. H rarely even raises his voice though so I'm grateful I'll never have to be put in that situation.

bethsmiles · September 2013

minskat30 said:

I would be very concerned if my partner punched a hole in the wall and would suggest immediate therapy. H rarely even raises his voice though so I'm grateful I'll never have to be put in that situation.

My BF rarely ever raises his voice too and he's never yelled at me. I just can't imagine being with someone who handles their anger in such an extreme way!

doeydo · September 2013

Did he at least agree to get some help controlling his anger?

bethsmiles · September 2013

Oh she didn't say anything to him about it.

doeydo · September 2013

Oh. Well, if I were you I would watch out for any kinds of signs in case he starts abusing her somehow. He doesn't sound like good news but if you try to talk her out of being with him, it will only backfire.

Would you consider this a red flag?

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