Best Man may not be able to attend?

[Deleted User] · September 2013

I've done some lurking/searching the forum and haven't seen this situation addressed, but forgive me if it has been and I couldn't find it.

My fiancé and I recently set our wedding date, and were sure to ask our VIPs for dates that wouldn't work prior to placing our deposits. At the family dinner where we shared the finalized date (in May 2014) my FSIL indicated that they were considering going away around that time, but hasn't booked anything yet. I thought it was weird that she would mention it, but didn't think much of it at the time.

Fast forward a few weeks and FSIL and FBIL (the best man) announced that they are expecting a baby. This is all around great news and we are psyched to have another niece or nephew. Unfortunately, her due date is the same weekend as our wedding. While this is no guarantee that she or her husband can't attend, we also don't want to assume they'll be there.

My question is how to politely indicate that we completely understand that the Best Man has other priorities more important than our wedding without making it sound like he's being un-asked to be best man.

Is it appropriate to make contingency plans like having another individual designated to be a witness or stand up with my FI? Is it just something we deal with the day of if it becomes an issue then?

My goal is just to make sure my FI has a great best man supporting him on our wedding day, while still being polite to his brother and any potential friend he would have stand in as best man. All of this is of course recognizing that the birth of a baby is way more important than the particulars of our wedding.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Jen4948 · September 2013

You shouldn't replace the best man, but it is okay to have someone as a Plan B witness. He just wouldn't be the best man.

LizM61409 · September 2013

Hold your horses. If she is due in May, that means right now she is at MOST 7 weeks along. If her dating is even correct. And that's if she doesn't miscarry (~20-25% risk this early along)

Even if this is a viable pregnancy with a due date around your wedding, there's still a really good chance your FBIL will be able to make it to your wedding. It's really difficult to predict the onset of labor, and only something like 5% of women deliver exactly on the "due date". Assuming they live close to your wedding venue there's no reason they can't attend unless she is actually in labor that day. (Of course this is much trickier if travel is involved)

To answer your question, you let FBIL lead the discussion. If he wants to step down he will.

Also, how set in stone is your date? Could you move it to be a month or two later for the sake of avoiding this? Even if you've put a deposit down it never hurts to ask the venue if you could push it back without losing your deposit (worst case scenario: they say no and you keep your original date, nothing lost over not asking)

Grabows14 · September 2013

Don't replace the best man , part of the reason it's hard for you to come up with a polite way to say it is because it is not polite to do this. Telling him he can't stand up with you because of the baby makes having the honor of being best man sound more of a part in a play that needs to be fulfilled rather than an honor to witness your marriage.

Another man or woman can come forward to sign the marriage license and the honor will still remain with your FBIL.

It's not abnormal to have different number sides and everyone would understand why he's not there while not everyone would understand you asking the best man to step down.

Xstatic3333 · September 2013

I'm with PPs; just love and support him. Clearly if his wife needs him he won't be there, but he's still your FI's honored attendant. He'll lead the way. My other suggestion is to encourage your FI to chose something everyone already owns, like a black suit, as his WP attire so FBIL can make a game-time decision. Congrats on your future auntiehood!

SunriseAmber · September 2013

This sort of happened to us as well. After we picked our date my FSIL let us know she was pregnant and due the same month. My FI's mother told us she may not be able to make it because she needed to be there for her grandchild's birth. We decided to push our date back a year. Does your FBIL live out of town? If he lives in the same city why couldn't he be there for you for a few hours for the wedding? I don't know if i would say to push your date back but if it's really important for your FI that his brother is there then maybe you should consider it?

I know it's the pits but she can't change the date of the birth, you can change the date of your wedding. Even by a few months. And I do side-eye the mention of going on a trip the same month of your wedding almost a year out.

[Deleted User] · September 2013

Thanks for all of your advice!

Since we can't move the date, we'll just leave it alone and let the BM lead the discussion much closer to the date. We certainly don't want him to step down.

MuppetOverlord · September 2013

You've gotten good advice and that's the right decision.

cowgirl8238 · September 2013

I am glad you are letting the BM decide what is best. It is certainly too early for any decision at this point! If he does continue to want to be a part of the wedding you can always find someone else to stand in as witness the day of. BTW are you having a full wedding party or just a MOH and BM?

PhoneCardLady · September 2013

My ex BIL was to be the best man at his brother's wedding. My sister was pregnant with her first child.

My sister was due Aug 2nd and the wedding was Aug 16th. On the 16th my sister was induced, so my ex BIL had his dad stand in as best man. After my sister gave birth and she was settled, he went to the wedding an announced the good news.

Also, four years later my sister was pregnant again and declined early in her pregnancy. On the day of the wedding, they were taking bets that my sister would go into labor!

smalfrie19 · September 2013

SunriseAmber said:

This sort of happened to us as well. After we picked our date my FSIL let us know she was pregnant and due the same month. My FI's mother told us she may not be able to make it because she needed to be there for her grandchild's birth. We decided to push our date back a year. Does your FBIL live out of town? If he lives in the same city why couldn't he be there for you for a few hours for the wedding? I don't know if i would say to push your date back but if it's really important for your FI that his brother is there then maybe you should consider it?

I know it's the pits but she can't change the date of the birth, you can change the date of your wedding. Even by a few months. And I do side-eye the mention of going on a trip the same month of your wedding almost a year out.

@SunrisAmber if you dont mine me asking, why a whole year? why not a month or two?

snoopycac · September 2013

Our best man's gf is pregnant too, and on top of things her due date is our wedding date. I've told him point blank that if she needs him, he is not allowed to come to the wedding. I will personally send him home to her. FI has other groomsmen and standing with him and if worst comes to worst - BM will be with us in spirit.

palrmt · September 2013

This might just be one of those things that is a last minute call. I second the suggestion of having something simple like a black suit in case he can make it at the last minute. Let him know that no matter what ends up happening, you understand.

JaneAustensGhost · September 2013

"And that's if she doesn't miscarry (~20-25% risk this early along)"

Yay, she might miscarry so she can go to someone's wedding! Seriously? That's a shitty thing to say, no matter the context, no matter what you "meant".

Best Man may not be able to attend?

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