Uneven wedding party etiquette/offending a friend

Re: Uneven wedding party etiquette/offending a friend

• KeptInStitches member

  

  September 2013

  Could you ask her to be a reader? Otherwise it is an honor to be a guest. If you aren't close to her, you shouldn't ask her to be in your wedding party. I would hope that she would understand that her wedding party has no bearing on your wedding party.

  

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• aniluisa member

  

  September 2013

  I thought of that, but we're asking family/close friends of the family to do all ceremony-related honors. 

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• KeptInStitches member

  

  September 2013

  Well, at any rate, I wouldn't mention it, and if she asks who's in the wedding party, I would bean dip her. It's better than telling her that she's not in it, which could be misinterpreted as rubbing it in her face.

  

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  September 2013

  aniluisa said:

  I was in a friend's wedding this summer. We grew up together, but I was somewhat surprised that she asked me to be in her wedding, since we're not super close anymore. I don't see us being particularly close in the future, since we've both changed quite a bit since high school and are heading down different paths in life, but I don't think that she feels the same way. 

  
  

  Meanwhile, my fiance was in a wedding this spring. While he and the groom are pretty good friends, due to numbers (my fiance has a lot of friends, while I have just a few close friends), we decided not to ask that friend to be in our wedding party. 

  
  

  Now that I'm realizing that having an uneven wedding party isn't a big deal, I think it would be great for this guy to be in our wedding. Your fiance's attendants are his choice. If he wants to ask this guy and you can afford to have another person in your WP, he can ask him! While it would be a huge wedding party, I wouldn't mind having 6 bridesmaids and 7 groomsmen. Sounds nice.

  
  

  My concern is about my friend whose wedding I was in this summer. I feel like I owe her an explanation for why she's not in the wedding, you don't and I was going to say it was because of size constraints. You don't need to say anything. If she asks, bean dip her. "I just ended up with fewer people. Have you tried this bean dip?" But if we have 7 groomsmen, that won't fly. It doesn't need to "fly". It will be obvious that she's not in the wedding because I don't think that we're close, and clearly she doesn't think the same, since she asked me to be in her wedding. Oh well. This is a non-issue. Participation in weddings isn't tit for tat. One of my BMs has been in about 15 weddings. There's no way she's going to have 15 BMs when she gets married. If I'm not in her wedding because she considers herself closer to other people, oh well. That's life.

  
  

  I know based on other discussions that most of you would advise that I just pick whoever is closest to me, not worry about seeing the bridesmaid slots as positions to be filled, and tell me that wedding party decisions aren't tit for tat. Nail, meet head. But I am also conscious of the fact that this isn't just "my day" and that friendships can be damaged because of things like this, and I don't want to hurt her feelings. 
  
  So what would you guys do?

  I'm sorry, but the advice that you think I would give, I must give. If you don't consider yourself close to this girl, don't ask her and stop worrying about it. No one should assume they should be part of your wedding. It's an honor to come as a guest.

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• daveANDkristen member

  

  September 2013

  If you don't feel close to her, don't ask her. Maybe she asked you to even out her wedding party, who knows.  One of DH's groomsmen was married the year before us, and DH was not in his wedding.  I was also in a wedding 3.5 years before my own and that bride was not in my wedding.  Friendships change over time and that's nothing that you need to explain.  I would certainly hope she would not ask you why she wasn't a BM, but if she does, just be honest.  Explain that you asked those you were closest to, and that you are excited to have her and all the other important people in your life attend as guests.

  
  

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• allispain member

  

  September 2013

  I wouldn't worry about it too much. One of my BMs got married a month after I did. I was not asked to be one of her BMs. It didn't make a difference at all in our friendship - I am well aware that she had friends from high school and college that she wanted to include in her BP. I chose to honor my closest friends from more recent years. We both chose who we wanted to have there. End of story.

  
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  September 2013

  If you don't feel close to her, don't ask her. 
  
  First of all, you don't need even sides; second, there is no quid pro quo in wedding parties (just because you are in theirs doesn't mean they need to be in yours and vice versa); third, the people that you do choose should be people you are close to, i.e., the people you would ask for help in an emergency.  If your friend doesn't fall in that category, don't ask her.
  

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• aniluisa member

  

  September 2013

  Thanks all. I like the idea of framing it as people you would turn to in an emergency - it does help you realize who is actually close to you. 

  
  

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