Dear Prudence,
As a first-grader I was given an IQ test, scored more than 160 and was
declared a “genius.” This led to years of heightened expectations,
profound failures, disappointed teachers and family, and ostracism (I
was skipped two grades and did not fit in socially.) I eventually
dropped out of high school during my freshman year. I later managed to
successfully continue my education and got a graduate degree. I’m
basically happy, but not a highly successful person. My family was
abusive, and I have a weird personality, but the “genius” treatment
didn’t help. I’m now married and have a 4-year old daughter. Because she
was somewhat shy and anti-social, we were advised to have her evaluated
for autism spectrum disorder. They said she doesn’t have that, but she
was given an IQ test. The psychologist literally came out to the waiting
area shouting that she was “a genius!” I had a PTSD reaction to this,
bundled her up and fled. I have not mentioned any of this to my husband.
He was also labeled a genius at a young age, failed miserably in
school, and has had a largely unsuccessful career. But he’s proud of his
genius label and does not see it as part of his later problems. I fear
that he would be boastful to his large and very competitive family and
impose some of the heightened expectations on her that we both suffered
from. Next year my daughter will begin kindergarten and I just learned
that our district has a nearby magnet for students with exceptionally
high IQs. My instinct is to keep my daughter far away from the school
psychologist and the tiger mommies and daddies around that pressure
cooker. I am not in the habit of keeping secrets from my husband or
denying my child opportunities, so I’m feeling guilty. I also feel that
once the cat is out of the bag, there’s little hope of normalcy for my
daughter’s childhood. She's a happy little kid right now. Advice?