Spinoff and Discussion - Your kids' last name

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

I caught up on the Changing your last name thread and I noticed that a lot of posters' reasoning for taking their hubands' name was "I don't want to have a different name from my children." I assume this is because you plan to give your child(ren) your husband's last name and not your own, a hyphenated last name, etc.

Questions for discussion:

1) Do you feel like the only option to have the same last name as your child(ren) is to take your husband's last name? Why?

2) Would your husband be open to changing HIS name to YOUR name? Why/why not? Did you ever ask? If so, what did he say?

3) Would you keep your last name and pass it on to your children (assuming your husband decided to keep his name)? Why/why not?

Go!

ETA - added a follow up question to #1 "why"

KeptInStitches · August 2013

1.) Short of hyphenating or him taking my name, yes.

2.) I wouldn't unleash my name on him. I have an unspellable, unpronounceable Scandinavian name. He has a slightly shorter, unspellable, unpronounceable German name. Given my choices, I'll at least go with fewer characters.

3.) I'm planning to keep my name, but not pass it on to my kids. Aside from the issues with spelling and pronunciation, I don't have strong ties to my father's family. If I had my mom's maiden name, it might be a different story as I have strong ties to her family.

WonderRed · August 2013

1) Do you feel like the only option to have the same last name as your child(ren) is to take your husband's last name? - I will either have DS's last name or FI's last name. I can't have it both ways. I'm taking FI's name and DS's will just be different. I can't justify continuing to use my XH's name once FI and I are married.

2) Would your husband be open to changing HIS name to YOUR name? Why/why not? Did you ever ask? If so, what did he say? - It doesn't matter for us. His middle name is my maiden name so we are both going to be Mr. Bob Jones Smith and Mrs. Jane Jones Smith anyway.

3) Would you keep your last name and pass it on to your children (assuming your husband decided to keep his name)? Why/why not? - We won't have kids together so it's a moot question.

ElcaB · August 2013

I don't have any mini ElcaBs yet, but when I do...

I don't feel like taking FIs last name is my only option, but to me it makes the most sense.
Fi wouldn't be open to taking my last name. I haven't asked, but I know he'd be against it. I think he'd just feel it's a stupid idea.
I'm not keeping my last name. I want our entire family to have the same name, and I'm perfectly fine with it being FIs.

Grabows14 · August 2013

1. This one is personal. My parents have been happily married for over 30 years, but my mom kept her maiden name and when I was born, I was given her maiden name as my last name. This was always incredibly weird for me since my brother, who also has the same parents, has my dad's last name. I always felt that people didn't think we were related because we didn't have the same last name. I think that our culture makes it really difficult for women to take a different last name that her husband and still have her children recognized as her own children. That being said I am going to take my husband's last name. I don't recommend the above for any couple because coming from my point of view it was just very strange.

2. Not an option

3. No, read #1.

on a side note, to show how weird it was for women to not take last names of their husbands in the 70's, her work got incredibly upset at her when she was pregnant with my sister. Since her maiden name was the same as her real name at that time they assumed that she wasn't married so they hired her. Then 3 months later she was pregnant and going to have a baby. They actually asked her if she was having a baby out of wedlock if you could believe it. Yay for progress!

sarabopp · August 2013

Questions for discussion:

1) Do you feel like the only option to have the same last name as your child(ren) is to take your husband's last name? Why?
I want my kids to have my last name, whatever it may be when I give birth to them. It was always (a very strange, I know) goal to have my children to have the same last name as me and their father.
Where I grew up most people have kids when they are young and not married. I dreamed of getting married and then having kids. I want my family to all have the same last name.

2) Would your husband be open to changing HIS name to YOUR name? Why/why not? Did you ever ask? If so, what did he say?
No, he's not open to the idea. He loves his last name which is an uncommon name. He likes the family history behind it. I do not really like his last name. I LOVE my maiden name which is short, sweet and easy. I asked him to change to my last name or for us to create a new last name together. My best friend and her husband combined their last names to make a new name.
I am taking his last name and he couldn't be more thrilled and appreciative. I let him know that by taking his last name and giving up my current name, it really shows that I love him, haha!

3) Would you keep your last name and pass it on to your children (assuming your husband decided to keep his name)? Why/why not?
I am going to use my maiden name as my future child's middle name. Like I noted in #1- the family unit name is important to me.

itzMS · August 2013

The answer to all of the questions for me is simply that I'm traditional.

Using DH's name as our family name makes sense to me on all levels.

photokitty · August 2013

1) Do you feel like the only option to have the same last name as your child(ren) is to take your husband's last name? Why? - Yes, because all the kids i knew growing up who had hyphenated last names hatted them. And I don't want to strap a kid with an 11 letter last name(s)

2) Would your husband be open to changing HIS name to YOUR name? Why/why not? Did you ever ask? If so, what did he say? He is not, we talked about it. He is proud of his last name and his family history - same reason I am reluctant to change mine. He is not pushing the subject as he knows it is a difficult decision and it is mine to make.

3) Would you keep your last name and pass it on to your children (assuming your husband decided to keep his name)? Why/why not? Maybe as a middle name, but not as a last name even if I hyphenate.

Bonus answer - I am waiting until we have kids to make my decision on my last name. There isn't a time limit on when you have to change your name, but once you change it you can't easily so do again without a court order. So I'm going to wait and see how I feel about it then.

Simply Fated · August 2013

My bf and I have talked about this. For us it's easy. I don't like my last name. I like his. He likes his name, too. So I would just take his name.

My friend had a terrible experience with this wjole name-change thing. She gave her firstborn her last name, because at the time the baby's father was denying paternity and all that. Several years later she married the guy and had more kids with him. Her eldest, about 8 years old now, realized he had a different name than his parents and siblings. As though he didn't feel like an outcast in his family before, this was salt and lemon on his wounds.

FiancB · August 2013

I'd want to have the same last name as my children. Of course it's not the only option, but it would be freakin' weird not to. Plus while at first glance it may seem unfair that the kids be named after the guy, this is kind of how I look at it- I get the experience of being pregnant with them and being the main caregiver the first couple years of life. In that way I can't help but claim them as being more mine than his. Having his last name sort of evens things out, if that makes any sense. I get the biological advantage of being so incredibly essential in the beginning. I look forward to it and some guys get a little jealous of that.

I always thought hyphenating was, I don't know, lame and perhaps a tad pretentious. I don't want to. I don't like it and if i did do it my new name would have five consonants. No thanks.

I did mention the possibility of him taking my name. It would be simpler. My name is short, sweet and easy to spell. His is Polish. It's not that hard but people are always like OMG LONG WORD and choke on it. But in the end, one of us is going to take the other's name so we might as well keep things simple and stick with tradition.

I do lament a little at the loss of my name. Mine will make a good middle name so I'm going to drop the one I have and use my maiden name as a middle name, and the kids will probably have it for a middle name too.

Dreamergirl8812 · August 2013

Thread Jack:

I get irritated when people forget that as women we are not choosing between our last name and our husband's last name. We are choosing between our father's last name and our husband's. Not changing your name isn't any more feminist than changing it.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

Dreamergirl8812 said:

Thread Jack:

I get irritated when people forget that as women we are not choosing between our last name and our husband's last name. We are choosing between our father's last name and our husband's. Not changing your name isn't any more feminist than changing it.

It's not necessarily true that everyone has their father's last name. There are a lot of people who may have the last name of:

- their mother

- a step-father or other non-biological father figure

- their mother AND their father (hyphenated)

- their mother AND their father (combined for a new name)

- something else

I think it's totally untrue to say "not changing your name isn't any more feminist than changing it." The point is that whatever name is assigned to you becomes yours no matter where it comes from. The choice is yours what to do with it - drop it, carry it on yourself, assign it to your kids, etc. And whatever you do with it may not have anything to do with being a "feminist".

People keep their names for a whole host of reasons - not just "feminism". Personally, I'm keeping mine because A) I like it and feel it's a big part of my identity; and

my family history is very important to me so I want to carry it on. So maybe I'm a "feminist"? I guess if that's what keeping my name means....

KeptInStitches · August 2013

Feminism is about choices. I'm choosing to keep my name because it's a big part of my professional identity.

rsfan23 · September 2013

Grabows14 said:

1. This one is personal. My parents have been happily married for over 30 years, but my mom kept her maiden name and when I was born, I was given her maiden name as my last name. This was always incredibly weird for me since my brother, who also has the same parents, has my dad's last name. I always felt that people didn't think we were related because we didn't have the same last name. I think that our culture makes it really difficult for women to take a different last name that her husband and still have her children recognized as her own children. That being said I am going to take my husband's last name. I don't recommend the above for any couple because coming from my point of view it was just very strange. 2. Not an option 3. No, read #1. on a side note, to show how weird it was for women to not take last names of their husbands in the 70's, her work got incredibly upset at her when she was pregnant with my sister. Since her maiden name was the same as her real name at that time they assumed that she wasn't married so they hired her. Then 3 months later she was pregnant and going to have a baby. They actually asked her if she was having a baby out of wedlock if you could believe it. Yay for progress!

To your side note. I was born in 1980. My mom kept her maiden name and she and my dad decided to hyphenate my last name. When it came time to fill out the birth certificate, the nurse refused to fill in my dad's name. My dad filled it in himself.

rsfan23 · September 2013

To answer the questions: 1. It isn't the only option, but in my case I didn't want to keep my last name or add an additional name to my already hyphenated name, so I changed it. DS has our last name. Also, I know a family where the mom kept her name and the daughter has her dad's name, she isn't any less her daughter. 2. Never. It never came up, but I know he wouldn't have changed it. 3. Not applicable, I didn't keep it. You can use other names to keep it in the family, it doesn't have to be the last name. My maiden name would be too complicated to pass on, plus I'd have to split it and choose which side of the family gets represented, (mom or dad) and I don't want to do that.

MoonlightSilver · September 2013

We're not having kids. That said, hypothetically-

We hyphened, and each took each others last name. So if we had kids, they would get both last names. As they got older, they could easily switch to using just one or the other socially (which I do sometimes myself).

MoonlightSilver · September 2013

Dreamergirl8812 said:

Thread Jack:

I get irritated when people forget that as women we are not choosing between our last name and our husband's last name. We are choosing between our father's last name and our husband's. Not changing your name isn't any more feminist than changing it.

While I agree that both changing and not changing are feminist choices, I disagree that this is my father's name. Yes, my father has the same last name as me, but my maiden name is my name. It was a choice between keep my name and take my husband's (not my husband's father's) name or hyphenating the two.

ETA: If we're talking feminism, it's pretty unfeminist to say my name belongs to my father, but my husband's name was his and his alone, not also his fathers.

mimiphin · September 2013

1) Do you feel like the only option to have the same last name as your child(ren) is to take your husband's last name? I think that my only option period in my situation and with my beliefs is to take my husbands name- see #2

2) Would your husband be open to changing HIS name to YOUR name? I didn't ask, we are thinking (i use the term loosely) of coming up with a new name, he says that his name isn't pretty enough for me. I don’t mind, I feel very strongly about changing my last name, my mum is dead and my father is an a$$hole, he is attending the wedding-as long as all things are still kosher between us then, I am walking down the aisle by myself and to try and keep things calm we are doing a father-daughter dance- I am from Alberta and we are dancing to an Ian Tyson song Navajo Rug or The Coyote and The Cowboy. The mushy songs make me gag when I think of dancing with him to them -ei, Stealing Cinderella, Unforgettable, Ick! <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

3) Would you keep your last name and pass it on to your children (assuming your husband decided to keep his name)? Why/why not? I personally don't like the idea of my children having different names from my DH and I. We are a family unit and with diffrent names I feel that we arn't a unit anymore/if ever. I work with kids and I know it’s not that big of an issue but it is much more of a concern if the child 'belongs' to the parent if the names don't match up. Same with going international, some people I know have had issues with taking their children into non-English speaking countries, even with both parents present.

GetThePointe77 · September 2013

So I know a lot of people say they need to change their last name so both parents have the same last name as their kids, which others find to be pretty stupid.

My parent, happily married 30+ years, do not have the same last name (my mom kept her maiden name). They were always completely fine with this but I have to say me and my siblings got a ton of s*** about it. I'm not going into details because its irrelevant, and I know everyone gets teased for something in elementary/middle school, but it wasn't pleasant, so i'd like to avoid that for my children. I personally think I am a feminist, and I will be in no way dependent on my fiance after we get married as I have my own career, but I think part of feminism is having the ability to have the CHOICE to choose which way you want to go, not to automatically go againts all male-dominanted traditions. Also our last names sound HORRIBLE hyphenated.

Jells2dot0 · September 2013

I'm not having children, but I have given the cats my husband's name. He had one previous to meeting me and he adopted mine so we're now one big, happy family.

EDIT- I'm not really delusional. I wanted to add something lighthearted.

mimiphin · September 2013

One of my chinchilla's (if he's been bad!) full name is Steven (steve) 'Jones' (while my name is still "Smith" for the time being)

KeptInStitches · September 2013

My cat's full name is Eleanor Cat MyLastName. I don't think she'll be "adopted" by BF - she won't take his name.

tjhartle · September 2013

I've been having this very debate with myself and have yet to come up with an answer. My 7 year old son has my last name (his birth father never supported him) and my FI is adopting him after we get married. I was originally thinking of hyphenating both of my son and mine's names so #1 we would have the same name and no one would feel left out #2 I've been with my company for a long time and have made a name for myself and hate to lose that association. It's a very large company and often when I met executives for the first time they recognize my name and accomplishments. The other part of me thinks "oh who cares just change it".

ashley82488 · September 2013

1) Do you feel like the only option to have the same last name as your child(ren) is to take your husband's last name? Why? Yes. I've always imagined that I would have my husbands name therefore my children would also. My mother was remarried twice and took her husbands name both times. This is just something I'm used to and wouldn't have it any other way.

2) Would your husband be open to changing HIS name to YOUR name? Why/why not? Did you ever ask? If so, what did he say? No. I wouldn't ask him to even consider it.

3) Would you keep your last name and pass it on to your children (assuming your husband decided to keep his name)? Why/why not? No. I like my FI's last name. I am actually looking forward to making it my name. I accept that once I am married I my name is going to change.

Nicmorrison14 · September 2013

1) I don't feel that is an ONLY option. I don't feel like I will me losing myself either. It's more symbolic. Out of everyone in the world, he chose me to be a part of his family and take his name. It's an honor.

2) I would never ask my fiance to take my last name.

3) Our children will definitely have his last name. It is very confusing when the children have different last names than the parents or mom. Especially for teachers. Also, it is up to us to carry on his last name (assuming we have a boy)

WinstonsGirl · September 2013

I'm not planning to have kids and I didn't take DH's name. He is from Chile and there, this is extremely common (what 99% of people do, so I'm told). Women keep their maiden name and both are passed to the kids legally - Kid DearHusband WinstonsGirl. For social purposes, they drop the Mom's maiden name - Kid DearHusband. Eventually the female portion of the name disappears. DH is legally Mr. DadsLastName MomsLastName, but he goes by Mr. DadsLastName on pretty much everything, including passport.

He grew up with this, so was fine with me keeping my name. I assume any random accident kids would be named in this same way too, and would use his last name with the exception of their birth certificates.

AcrophobicPixie · September 2013

1) It's not the only option, but it is definitely what I want.
2) He wouldn't. He's the last guy in his family, so his last name would "die" with him. Also, my dad's side of the family is not something that we really want much to do with. If the situation were different (like he had a brother or something, and my last name didn't have the stigma it has), and I really wanted him to consider it, I think he would be open to the idea, though.
3) Any possible children will have his last name.

Now, my mom remarried after her divorce from my dad, and initially kept my dad's last name, so she'd have the same name as my sisters & myself, but when she had my younger brother with my stepdad, she hyphenated my dad's & stepdad's last names to match her kids. My best friend and his brother both have their mother's maiden name as their second middle name (They're named after living family members, so go by the first middle name to stave confusion), but I don't think that would be a good option for us.

Spinoff and Discussion - Your kids' last name

Re: Spinoff and Discussion - Your kids' last name

Choose Another Board

Search Boards