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Have any of you been through this....

hlvonbhlvonb member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
in Chit Chat
I am getting very sick of this so called "we just care about you" bullsh** from people since that's obviously not what it is. Don't ask me if I'm sure I want to marry "this person" or "him" and "am I sure its the right thing and I'm not just settling" and "I know that marriage isn't like a high school dance where at the end of the night its over right" etc ..... YES I KNOW THAT!!! If I didn't want to marry my fiance I would have said no or called off the engagement. Yes I believe and think and know and feel, etc etc  that this is the right thing and yes I know marriage is for eternity and a promise made to each other before God, family and friends. UGH. Very hard to control my temper when this happens...... I just want to scream at them and say if they have something against me and my fiance getting married just say it. Don't try and make me second guess myself out of it. 

Have any of you ladies gone through this?
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Re: Have any of you been through this....

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    AjulianaAjuliana member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Why don't they like him? That's weird so many people are so against the marriage.

    My brother threw a fit that we got engaged before we had professional jobs, and threatened to boycott the wedding. Then FI got a job less than a month later. I never told FI bc I want them to be able to get along for the next 50 years.
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    Previously Alaynajuliana


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    cruffinocruffino member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    No, no one has asked me that. If people were asking, and enough people to make me sick of it, I would definitely ask them what their reservations were. I would be concerned if so many of my nearest and dearest thought I was making a mistake.
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    misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    Who is it tell you these things? If the people closest to be weren't supporting my impeding marriage, I would think long and hard about why and not just throw a tantrum about it. 
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    CLoGreenEyesCLoGreenEyes member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    I will say that my mom, who gets along with BF beautifully, asks me this from time to time. I have asked about her reservations, and she has never been able to give me a straight answer. All of my friends think he's terrific - quirky, haha, but overall a wonderful guy and certainly good enough for their friend. I have always felt he has treated me right, and knowing that my friends see this makes me feel better even when my mom seems to question it.

    I think, like PPs said, it is worth prodding a little more to find out why they are saying these things. Don't shut them down right away; hear what they have to say. Either you gain some valuable insight from them, or you can confidently say that they're being ridiculous. But there is nothing to be gained by totally shutting out their perspective.
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    nswearensweare member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    May I ask how old you are? I'm almost 33 and I've never had anyone make statements like that. My sister's friend just got married at 20 and people would make those kinda of comments to her. Also, a good friend got married at 21 and had a few comments as well. Her and her husband have been married over 10 yrs now.

    I only ask because I wonder if the comments are a product of your age, rather than your relationship. Regardless, I would try to let them roll off your back and then feel smug for the next 50-60 yrs when you remain happily married. :)
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    itzMSitzMS member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    hlvonb said:
    I am getting very sick of this so called "we just care about you" bullsh** from people since that's obviously not what it is. Don't ask me if I'm sure I want to marry "this person" or "him" and "am I sure its the right thing and I'm not just settling" and "I know that marriage isn't like a high school dance where at the end of the night its over right" etc ..... YES I KNOW THAT!!! If I didn't want to marry my fiance I would have said no or called off the engagement. Yes I believe and think and know and feel, etc etc  that this is the right thing and yes I know marriage is for eternity and a promise made to each other before God, family and friends. UGH. Very hard to control my temper when this happens...... I just want to scream at them and say if they have something against me and my fiance getting married just say it. Don't try and make me second guess myself out of it. 

    Have any of you ladies gone through this?

    I went through it with my ex, yes.

    Everyone knew he wasn't right for me. I didn't listen. I loved him and we could make it work, blah blah. Well, he really was a jackass and wasn't right for me, so we didn't end up getting married despite 10 years of dating.

    Not a single person questioned me about my now DH. It was obviously right from the get-go.

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    emmyg65emmyg65 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I have not been through that. If more than one or two people said something like that to me, or if they repeated it, I'd ask them what they were getting at. Not defensively, just to understand their concerns. And I'd take a good hard look at my relationship and see if there wasn't anything I might be ignoring. I have a history of not listening to my gut and staying in relationships that weren't good because it seemed too hard to leave. It's always easier to cancel a wedding than to get a divorce.
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    StephJean83StephJean83 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I had one person ask me, but he asked prior to us getting engaged. He was a good friend of mine from college, that has said his biggest regret is not asking me out. Since announcing our engagement, I haven't had anyone question me. I highly expected to have some of his college and high school friends ask him, but they are people who questioned him when we started dating.

    I would look at who is questioning me and ask them why. If it was a close friend or family member, I would wonder if they saw something that I couldn't because my "love blinders" are on. If it is someone who has or had a crush on either of us, I would assume it is because they are hoping to put doubt in our minds.
    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
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    bakeriebakerie member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    My dad asked me about a month ago if I was sure I was doing the right thing. I found it kind of irritating but he told me "It's just something a father has to ask." Okay... 
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    ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    My FI's mom used to say that crap to him all the time. She hates me (for no reason other than she's seriously jealous that I live with him and "take care of him"). He asked her what her problem was and the only thing she could come up with was that she "pictured him with someone else". Yeah, her. Anyway, he told her to shut her stupid mouth and if she can't be happy for us, that we'll miss her at the wedding. Bam. Mouth - shut. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    hlvonb said:
    I am getting very sick of this so called "we just care about you" bullsh** from people since that's obviously not what it is. Don't ask me if I'm sure I want to marry "this person" or "him" and "am I sure its the right thing and I'm not just settling" and "I know that marriage isn't like a high school dance where at the end of the night its over right" etc ..... YES I KNOW THAT!!! If I didn't want to marry my fiance I would have said no or called off the engagement. Yes I believe and think and know and feel, etc etc  that this is the right thing and yes I know marriage is for eternity and a promise made to each other before God, family and friends. UGH. Very hard to control my temper when this happens...... I just want to scream at them and say if they have something against me and my fiance getting married just say it. Don't try and make me second guess myself out of it. 

    Have any of you ladies gone through this?
    Why does this make you so angry? If you're confident in your relationship and you know you're doing the right thing, why is this so upsetting to you? I would reflect on why this affects your temper so much and you feel the need to get so defensive. 

    Do you think you'd be able to keep your cool and have an honest conversation with these people about their reservations? Not that their opinion matters if you're happy, I'm just wondering if there may be something to it. 

    I dated a guy for several years who I was absolutely and completely in love with. My family (who is super accepting and tried to make the best of it) asked me if I really wanted to be with this person all the time. I always got really defensive and angry that people didn't just support our relationship. Fast forward to now, we broke up and I always look back on it as my mistake relationship. I just know from my experience that my defensiveness and anger toward nay-sayers was a huge red flag. Of course I didn't see it then, but hindsight is 20/20.
    *********************************************************************************

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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited September 2013
    cruffino said:
    No, no one has asked me that. If people were asking, and enough people to make me sick of it, I would definitely ask them what their reservations were. I would be concerned if so many of my nearest and dearest thought I was making a mistake.

    misssunshine17 said:
    Who is it tell you these things? If the people closest to be weren't supporting my impeding marriage, I would think long and hard about why and not just throw a tantrum about it. 
    Yep, all of this ^

    I feel like there is a lot more to this story than what we are getting. . . how old are you both?  How long have you known each other/been together?  Do you both have jobs, are one or both of you finishing school, etc?

    Why do you think people are having these conversations with you, and who are they and how many?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    karlipreglerkarlipregler member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    I had a bunch of people at my job tell me that I shouldn't be getting married, but they are all part of marriages that didn't work out, or they are cheating on their spouses so I just brushed it off. It was irritating because they barely know who I am. If you are both are happy then go with it. No one can "make" you second guess yourself out of it either...

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    radleybooradleyboo member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Take it from an old, divorced, and now re-married lady, give these folks a minute of your time and listen to them.  I agree with all the PP's that you owe it to yourself to find out why your nearest and dearest are so concerned, they likely have valid reasons.

    This happened to me with my exH.  We got married, had 3 kids, and got divorced.  I'm so happy and grateful that I found H and we have a wonderful life together, but wish I would have listened the first time around.  

    Good luck.
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    laylasauruslaylasaurus member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I had one friend that didn't approve of FI, but part of it was she and I simply were no longer getting along anymore.  Otherwise she and FI just had conflicting personalities that rubbed each other the wrong way. I let her opinions slide and now it doesn't matter because we grew apart anyway. Everyone else close to me loves him and supports our relationship. 

    However,  I agree with the others. If this is one or two people who simply have personalities that don't gel with your FI or issues that really have nothing to do with him (the parent that simply doesn't want to let their little girl go sort of thing) than I would just ignore the comments and not stress about it.  However, if this is coming from several  of your nearest and dearest who have nothing but your best interest in mind, I think you should at least hear their reasons.  Just getting really upset and not listening seems like denial behavior rather than confidence and happiness in the relationship.  I do think that we need more to the story to offer you any further advice though.
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    grumbledoregrumbledore member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    People asked me this with my first husband - they knew it wasn't right.  So did I, but I did it anyway.  It might not hurt to consider why they are saying it, just to be sure.  Sometimes other people see things that you don't.

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    hlvonbhlvonb member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    Ajuliana said:
    Why don't they like him? That's weird so many people are so against the marriage. My brother threw a fit that we got engaged before we had professional jobs, and threatened to boycott the wedding. Then FI got a job less than a month later. I never told FI bc I want them to be able to get along for the next 50 years.
    I'm not sure. It's not family that's saying it so I guess that's a good thing. I know a couple of the people saying it are single and may just be jealous?? I really don't know. It is just very aggravating after a while. Especially when one person just appeared out of nowhere and neither me nor my FI have talked to her in ages.
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    hlvonbhlvonb member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    cruffino said:
    No, no one has asked me that. If people were asking, and enough people to make me sick of it, I would definitely ask them what their reservations were. I would be concerned if so many of my nearest and dearest thought I was making a mistake.
    They're aren't our nearest and dearest. They approve and love him and I. These are just random other people.
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    hlvonbhlvonb member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    misssunshine17 said:
    Who is it tell you these things? If the people closest to be weren't supporting my impeding marriage, I would think long and hard about why and not just throw a tantrum about it. 
    Like I replied to the others. Its not the people closest to us. 
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    hlvonbhlvonb member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    nsweare said:
    May I ask how old you are? I'm almost 33 and I've never had anyone make statements like that. My sister's friend just got married at 20 and people would make those kinda of comments to her. Also, a good friend got married at 21 and had a few comments as well. Her and her husband have been married over 10 yrs now. I only ask because I wonder if the comments are a product of your age, rather than your relationship. Regardless, I would try to let them roll off your back and then feel smug for the next 50-60 yrs when you remain happily married. :)
    I am 25 and will turn 26 just a couple weeks after the wedding. He is the same age. We have known each other for 10 years. Dated briefly in high school.
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    hlvonbhlvonb member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    southernbelle0915 said:
    hlvonb said:
    I am getting very sick of this so called "we just care about you" bullsh** from people since that's obviously not what it is. Don't ask me if I'm sure I want to marry "this person" or "him" and "am I sure its the right thing and I'm not just settling" and "I know that marriage isn't like a high school dance where at the end of the night its over right" etc ..... YES I KNOW THAT!!! If I didn't want to marry my fiance I would have said no or called off the engagement. Yes I believe and think and know and feel, etc etc  that this is the right thing and yes I know marriage is for eternity and a promise made to each other before God, family and friends. UGH. Very hard to control my temper when this happens...... I just want to scream at them and say if they have something against me and my fiance getting married just say it. Don't try and make me second guess myself out of it. 

    Have any of you ladies gone through this?
    Why does this make you so angry? If you're confident in your relationship and you know you're doing the right thing, why is this so upsetting to you? I would reflect on why this affects your temper so much and you feel the need to get so defensive. 

    Do you think you'd be able to keep your cool and have an honest conversation with these people about their reservations? Not that their opinion matters if you're happy, I'm just wondering if there may be something to it. 

    I dated a guy for several years who I was absolutely and completely in love with. My family (who is super accepting and tried to make the best of it) asked me if I really wanted to be with this person all the time. I always got really defensive and angry that people didn't just support our relationship. Fast forward to now, we broke up and I always look back on it as my mistake relationship. I just know from my experience that my defensiveness and anger toward nay-sayers was a huge red flag. Of course I didn't see it then, but hindsight is 20/20.
    I will admit I have anger issues and I think a lot if it had to do with me having a shi**t day to begin with so I wasn't dealing with it well. It also bugs me that they asked over Facebook and text messages. Also, these people are not our nearest and dearest. One person my FI and I have not talked to in ages so I have no idea where she's coming from....
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    hlvonbhlvonb member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    cruffino said:
    No, no one has asked me that. If people were asking, and enough people to make me sick of it, I would definitely ask them what their reservations were. I would be concerned if so many of my nearest and dearest thought I was making a mistake.

    misssunshine17 said:
    Who is it tell you these things? If the people closest to be weren't supporting my impeding marriage, I would think long and hard about why and not just throw a tantrum about it. 
    Yep, all of this ^

    I feel like there is a lot more to this story than what we are getting. . . how old are you both?  How long have you known each other/been together?  Do you both have jobs, are one or both of you finishing school, etc?

    Why do you think people are having these conversations with you, and who are they and how many?
    We have known each other 10 years and been together for 2 years now. (not including our brief dating period in high school freshman year). We both have jobs. We both are done with school. I am 25 and will be 26 shortly after the wedding. I think these people have some issues of their own or something (jealousy maybe?) because like I have said to others on here, they are not people close to us. I think its up to 3 people now.
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    hlvonbhlvonb member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    Ok. Instead of replying to everyone individually because it seems like I am just repeating myself I will post here. Lol

    These people are NOT our closest family and friends. They are NOT even people we thought of inviting. Our families approve and love him and I. We're both 25 and will be 26 shortly after the wedding. We both have jobs and are done with school. We have known each other for 10 years and dated briefly (2 months) in high school and have been together 2 years now and best friends for the entire 10 years. 

    I did ask those who messaged me with their concerns and only 1 replied and she said its because she doesn't want to see us get divorced. I guess she is starting the divorce process with her husband. The other 2 did not reply back.
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    manateehuggermanateehugger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Stop talking to these no-close friends about your wedding and/or relationship.
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    hlvonbhlvonb member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    @PDKH  That's the interesting part. I haven't really talked to them about it. If they ask when it is I will tell them the day but that's it. None have asked how the relationship is. Oh well. Maybe I will stop talking to them all together
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    CLoGreenEyesCLoGreenEyes member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    @bakerie, I'm a fan of your ticker. Pretty sure that when BF and I tie the knot, we will be counting down to fried chicken. It's important to have our priorities straight :)
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    laylasauruslaylasaurus member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    If these aren't people that are important in your life, and I'm assuming don't really know anything about your relationship, then why bother caring? 

    Be a duck and let it slide.. 
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