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Future Mother in Law Hell

mmcgee2mmcgee2 member
10 Comments First Anniversary
in Wedding Woes
I posted about this basic situation a while back, but things are much worse.  My FMIL is going crazy with the guest list.  Here's our numbers:

Maximum the venue will hold: 350
My guest list: 145
Fiance's guest list: 130
FMIL's guest list:  135
Total 410!

I understand she's paying for the majority of the wedding but this is ridiculous.  My parents are paying as much as they can (not their fault they arent rich like my FILs!), yet they get no say in the wedding.  I never wanted a huge wedding.  Big, but not huge.  She won't budge, but we can't afford it!  All this and she says we have to have prime rib!  And she requested an extra wedding favor in addition to what we are already doing.  That would be great and all, but we can't do those things for this many people with the budget she gave us.  My fiance has talked to her time and time again.  She starts out being nice and saying we can cut, then cuts like two or three people.  I'm so stressed I can't even think about the wedding.  Help!  What do I do?!
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Re: Future Mother in Law Hell

  • DG1DG1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    Take none of her money. 

    Then invite the people you want to invite (including a polite enough number of people who are really only your and his parents' friends). Serve the food you want to and can afford to serve. Provide the favors you want to and can afford to provide. 

    Voila.

    image
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    There's no crossover between your FI's list and hers? 
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  • mmcgee2mmcgee2 member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    We can't afford the venue that we have.  It's pretty expensive.  I know changing is an option, I'm just not sure what to do because that would offend so many people that I don't know how to handle it.
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  • mmcgee2mmcgee2 member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    Her original list was 200.  What I listed here is everyoone that he didn't invite that she did.
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    does your guest list include your parents' guest list?
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  • pegasuskatpegasuskat member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    Some people have to see things in writing to understand.  Make a list of everything, venue, food, favors etc.  Then show her what it will cost per person, and how much over budget this will be.
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  • NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    What does she say about where all of the extra money is going to come from? Is she playing the lotto?

    You can't order extra favors if you don't have any money to pay for them. That problem is solved. As far as the extra guests are concerned. Let her know the number you can afford to feed, and ask if she wants you to do the cutting or does she?

    If she has a fit, then you do it? I assume you are mailing the invites, right? Now she can go behind your back and mail a copy of the invite( that story never gets old) but a seating chart will take care of that problem too.

     

    YWIA

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  • PMeg819PMeg819 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    So she's paying but she has to cut her guest list? Seriously, you and your FI need to look at your guest lists and start cutting folks if you want her money. If you can't/won't do that- then you need to say "thanks, no thanks" and pay for it yourself.
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  • NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    My answer is based on me doubting that this lady is going to turn down the money. Do most of these ladies turn down the money when we tell them to have the wedding they can afford?

     

    I wish we had the stats on how many do.

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  • mmcgee2mmcgee2 member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    NOLA:  We have done all this and more.  Nothing is working.

    PMeg:  I know all of this.  My fiance and I cut over 200 people from our lists to make room.  I'm down to closest friends and family (I have a large, but close, family)

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  • mmcgee2mmcgee2 member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    edited September 2013

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  • dharmabunnydharmabunny member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    I'm kinda in the Pegasus camp. One can BS people, but not numbers.

    I would totally attack this with an excel spreadsheet! Complete with added columns, everything.
    imageAlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    column a: name
    column b: relation
    column c: POWER RANKING
    image
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  • dharmabunnydharmabunny member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    hmonkey said:

    column a: name
    column b: relation
    column c: POWER RANKING
    With Pivot Tables!

    imageAlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers
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  • AuntFloAuntFlo member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    dharmabunny said:
    column a: name
    column b: relation
    column c: POWER RANKING
    With Pivot Tables!
    Pivot!
    �
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  • mmcgee2mmcgee2 member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    My fiance and I have already cut A LOT she hasn't cut any
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 2013
    mmcgee2 said:
    My fiance and I have already cut A LOT she hasn't cut any
    You asked "What do I do?", not "please validate me".

    Plus, you can't make her change...So you either change your reaction to her or you end up doing what she wants in the end.  You've received great suggestions.  Stop being petulant and figure out what you're going to do because what you're doing now isn't resolving this problem.
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  • mmcgee2mmcgee2 member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    According to his parents, my parents arent paying enough to have a guest list of their own
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I'm stuck on the fact that YOU'VE cut 200 people, your MIL has cut 70 people and you still HAVE 410 to invite. I come from a huge family and didn't have this issue.
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  • mmcgee2mmcgee2 member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    I know.  My family consists of my mom (and her 6 siblings) my stepdad (and his 7 siblings) my dad (and his 7 siblings) my stepmom (and her 4 siblings), my adoptive parents (and their combined 7 siblings) plus kids, grandkids, etc.
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    mmcgee2 said:
    According to his parents, my parents arent paying enough to have a guest list of their own
    that's nice. did they write this in a card and send it with some flowers?
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Nothing has changed since you FIRST posted this, on another board, in July.

    Either nut up, put on your big-girl panties, and tell her, "FMIL, this isn't the wedding FI and I want, so we've decided we're going to elope," or deal with the fact that this woman is going to boss you around for your whole life.

    You claim to be in graduate school -- if you're old enough to be in grad school, you're old enough to grow a spine and make some decisions. 
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    ^ omg, you guys -- is that what i sound like when i remember really weird and obscure things? ^

    ... because that is crazy.
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  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Combo Breaker
    mmcgee2 said:
    I know.  My family consists of my mom (and her 6 siblings) my stepdad (and his 7 siblings) my dad (and his 7 siblings) my stepmom (and her 4 siblings), my adoptive parents (and their combined 7 siblings) plus kids, grandkids, etc.
    All of the bold, CUT! I cannot believe you are that closte to THAT MANY people!
    Anniversary
    image
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    hmonkey said:
    ^ omg, you guys -- is that what i sound like when i remember really weird and obscure things? ^

    ... because that is crazy.
    She re-opened the thread on that board today, that's how I remembered it. I commented on both her original post, in July, and her justification of why she STILL can't say no to her FMIL today. Otherwise, I would not have remembered this. :)
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • mmcgee2mmcgee2 member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    I have cut most of these.  I was listing the original group.
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  • mmcgee2mmcgee2 member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    WE have said no to her, but it doesn't work.
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    mmcgee2 said:
    WE have said no to her, but it doesn't work.
    Then call it off and elope. If you're saying no as a couple and she's STILL bossing you around then (a) you have a FI problem, too, and (b) nothing short of drastic action is going to get through to her.

    Go to the MDJ, get a marriage license, and get married. Then call her and be like, "Hey guess what we're married isn't this fabulous?" She only has the power that you let her have.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • delujm0delujm0 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    some people just need to see things.  prepare the following:

     

    A. take the total amount you are able to spend.  add up all of the "set costs" (things that aren't per person).  Remove that from the total budget.  The amount you wind up with is what you can afford to spend on per person costs.

     

    B. Add up the per person cost and come up with a total.  For example "per person costs are $150." 

     

    C. Divide the total you got in A by the total you got in B.  The higher of that number and 350 (maximum venue capacity) is what you can afford to invite.

     

    D. You and your FI have lists that are about the same size.  They total 275.  Take the number you got in C and subtract 275 from it.  That is how many people your FMIL can invite.  Period.

     

    I would show as much math as possible so that she can see the calculation.  That should prove to her that she can't invite as many people as she wants to.  And FWIW, i think it's ridiculous that she needs to invite 130 people ABOVE your FI's list (which it sounds like already included the essential family members).  I don't understand why the parents' friends would need to be invited to (or want to attend) this wedding.  I get that some parents want to show off for their friends, but this is neither the time nor the place to do so.  They can show them pictures afterwards.

     

    If this doesn't sink in, refuse the money and elope.  To be honest, i almost can't believe that you and your FI have an already-cut-down list of 275 - that is SO MANY PEOPLE.  Do you really know THAT many people well enough to have them at your wedding?  Remember that you need to greet every person that shows up - greeting 350 people would take so long you'd never have time to eat or enjoy yourself.

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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    ^ look! some math! ^

    all she needs now is a shirtless meat buffet.
    image
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