those who pay have the say?

Re: those who pay have the say?

• doeydo member

  

  September 2013

  1.  Yes, if your parents are paying for your wedding then they do get a say in a lot of things.  If you don't want it that way, you shouldn't accept their money.

  2.  It's usually not okay to invite someone without their spouse.  Do you think that your family and your sister's husband will be able to be civil for the wedding and not make another scene?
  3.  Your grandparents would actually leave their granddaughter's wedding because some people in a same sex relationship, their son and his husband, are in the building?  Seriously?   That is ridiculous.  In my mind, it really says that they don't care that much about you or your wedding and that their homophobia and hatred overrides their love for you.  If I were you, I would invite the uncle and his husband and invite the grandparents.  

  
  

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• LoveBirds5314 member

  

  September 2013

  If I had known my parents were going to insists on this rudeness...we would not have accepted the offer. We are to far in to turn back and my FI and I can't afford the wedding with out my parents money. I really don't think that my family and my sisters husband could be civil. There is just to much bad blood between him and my parents.
  I think I am just going to not invite my uncle. I haven't talked to him in years. My mom insists I invite him because he is her brother, but I don't want to casue any kind of scene with my grandparents. I just don't want it to look like I am condoning my grandparents. I couldn't care less who my uncle is married too, but I don't think my wedding is the time or place to try to patch that issue.
  

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• allispain member

  

  September 2013

  LoveBirds5314 said:

  My parents are paying for a large chunk of the wedding and are putting their 2 cents in guest list wise... My older sister is drama filled and my family doesn't get alone with her husband at all. Last time he came by my parents house, death threats were made and cops were called. Can I invite her and not her husband? I just was going to exclude her from the guest list because I don't want to separate a social unit, but my parents insist she be invited. The other issue is my mothers brother. My parents expect me to invite him, but not his husband. My maternal grandparents (his parents) are not very accepting of his relationship and would leave if him and his husband come. I would rather my grandparents there then my uncle, but again...my parents insist I invite him. How should I proceed?
  

  Regarding the first bolded - the one exception to the rule in which you must invite both members of a social unit is when doing so could threatened someone's safety. You say that death threats were made. Who made them? Your sister? Her husband? Your parents? If it was your sister's husband, then you would be within your rights to invite her and not him. You should expect that she will likely not attend. You should expect that if she does come, he might try to attend regardless of not being invited. You should expect that you might to have him and/or her escorted off the premises if this is the case. It's a messy situation all around.

  
  

  In terms of the second bolded situation - no, you cannot decide to invite only one member of a social unit because some of your other guests do not approve of their relationship. Even if it is your own grandparents and they will leave if your uncle and his husband attend. That is showing you where their priorities are - they are with their own judgements about others' relationships and not with the fact that it's your wedding and they are there to celebrate your happiness.

  
  

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• cruffino member

  

  September 2013

  Invite each of them with their spouses, or don't invite them at all. I don't think there's another option. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

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• LoveBirds5314 member

  

  September 2013

  It really sucks. I wish my family would just be adults and respect each other. My sisters husband came to my parents house eons ago and threatened to kill my dad. He came with a baseball bat.  My sister had his children then married this jerk. Its a great situation (sarcasm). I don't really even want to invite her because her children are terrors. May tell my parents I am inviting them and just not.
  

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• laylasaurus member

  

  September 2013

  If you really think that the brother-in-law's presence puts any of your guests in physical danger, I would say it is okay to invite her and not him.  But only if you truly think that is a real and probable risk.  I would probably give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they know how to behave like civil adults at an event like a wedding, but be prepared to have either security or someone on call to escort him off the premises if he does cause trouble.  

  
  

  As far as the uncle and his husband, if you would like your uncle there, then invite him.  It sounds like your parents also would like him there, so since they have a say, you should invite him.  However, you must also invite his husband, and you should tell your parents that as well.  Either both are invited or neither are.  And frankly, this nonsense about your grandparents leaving if they both come, is not a reason to not invite someone. Frankly, I think not inviting one or both of them IS condoning the grandparents behavior, whether you agree with their feelings or not. If your grandparents are going to put their prejudice before you at your wedding, then why would you want them there anyway?  And I bet this is all talk; they may be upset the day of, they may glare at them across the room, but I seriously doubt they would leave.  That is so unbelievably childish.  They don't have to sit with the couple, they don't have to socialize with them, they don't even have to acknowledge that they are there at all.  

  
  

  Sorry you have to deal with all this, it sounds like some of your family members have some maturity issues.  

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• SP29 member

  

  September 2013

  Sorry you have to deal with all this.

  
  

  I would invite everyone (sister+husband, uncle+ husband) but seat them apart from other family members. Then they do not have to interact if they wish not to. If BIL causes an issue, have him escorted out. 

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• WonderRed member

  

  September 2013

  SP29 said:

  Sorry you have to deal with all this.

  
  

  I would invite everyone (sister+husband, uncle+ husband) but seat them apart from other family members. Then they do not have to interact if they wish not to. If BIL causes an issue, have him escorted out. 

  Exactly this.

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• aurorajanette member

  

  September 2013

  scribe95 said:

  I would call your grandparents' bluff on the uncle and husband. Invite them both.
  
  I would not invite the sister and husband. From what it sounds the situation is volatile
  

  This exactly. As far as your uncle is concerned, invite him. If your grandparents are pissed that's their problem. If they seriously can't get past their hatred long enough to enjoy a wedding then they will leave early and everyone will be happier and better off.
  
  You state that your parents are funding your wedding, and that you BIL threatened to kill your father. Your sister is still with him, and I'm sorry but that speaks volumes of her. Choosing to be with someone who is threatening to kill your parent is just as bad as doing the threatening. Inviting one or both of them will cause nothing but drama and hurt.
  

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• fallbride99

  

  September 2013

  I say just extend an invite to your sister. Explain to her before hand why her husband isn't being in cluded.
  You should invite your uncle, just sit him elsewhere not near anyone that has a problem. It's your wedding. Life is short.
  

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  September 2013

  Outside of etiquette, would your sister even come if you invited her without her husband?  Obviously there's a lot of bad blood, but it seems clear that she's chosen him over your family.  Do you really think she would choose family over husband now?

  
  

  Your uncle is probably not going to come without his husband just because his parents disapprove.  If you don't talk to him, just don't invite him.  He probably wouldn't come with our without his husband if it is going to subject him to that kind of treatment.  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  September 2013

  I think it would be acceptable etiquette-wise to invite your sister by herself due to the death threats.  Safety does trump etiquette.
  
  But invite your uncle with his husband, whether your grandparents like it or not.  Since they're married, they're a social unit.  If your grandparents are so unaccepting that they would walk out of their grandchild's wedding because a married same-sex couple is there, it rightly reflects badly on them.
  

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• Pepper6 member

  

  September 2013

  Ditto PPs.

  
  

  Also, I have to say that I have a big issue with homophobes, even if they were in my immediate family.  So I'd invite the uncle & his husband and if anyone has an issue with that, then screw them.  Grandparents or not, I don't think I'd want to have a relationship with anyone that would actually leave someone else's wedding because there was a gay couple in attendance. 

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