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Private vs not RD

msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum

I'm not sure if this is an ettiquette question, but here it goes.

I'm having a destination wedding in May 2014. There are 110 people on the guest list, but I have no clue who will actually be in attendance. Most ceremony/reception details are already taken care of by our planner, but the rehersal dinner is on us to figure out. FI and I had our hearts set on something fun and different so we were going to book a pirate themed dinner cruise for the wedding party, their dates, and our immediate families, about 28 people in total. The boat fits 60 and will only take private reservations at a minimum of 40. Paying for an extra 12 people puts it out of our budget. My mom asked if the boat had been booked and I told her that we haven't decided what we are going to do. Either just pay for our 28 guests, and not have it be a private event, or hold it somewhere else. FI and I were leaning towards non-private event. My mother hates the idea of sharing our RD with strangers. She'd rather I rent out the entire boat and then open up the extra spots and have guests who aren't in the wedding party pay me to go. I told her under no uncertain circumstances was I going to ask wedding guests for money or to pay me for anything.

If my mom offers to pay for the rehersal dinner so she can book the entire boat as a private party, and we accept, would it be inappropriate for me to tell her she can't fill the extra spots? Could I let her deal with the extra spots as she wishes? I'm concerned about going to later way as I don't want it to seem like I was playing favorites among guests with the extra invites to the RD. Plus, what if only 60 people come to the wedding? That could be leaving out only a few couples.

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
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Re: Private vs not RD

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    cruffinocruffino member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Normally, a rehearsal doesn't need to include anyone but the wedding party and immediate family, but in the case of a destination wedding, I think it's polite to include all of the guests since they've traveled so far to be there. I'm sure someone will chime in with the correct etiquette answer, but this is my opinion.
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If she's offers to pay for the extra spots, I'd let her fill them if that's what she wanted to do. 
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Only people involved in the rehearsal and immediate family need to be invited to the RD. Others are optional.

    Relative to your question about the pirate boat:

    1) If your mom offers to pay, then she gets a say in the remaining 12+ slots. If she doesn't care or want to fill them, they're yours to do with as your please. 
    2) If your mom is not paying, her opinion about whether or not the RD should be private does not have to be taken into consideration.
    3) You are correct - if you invite people to your RD, you host them. Your mom is not correct in suggesting that people pay for themselves. 

    Your concern about the decline rate for your DW and leaving out just a handful of couples is certainly something to take into consideration.

    Personally, I would forgo the pirate boat and host something more affordable/very simple so I could include everyone. At a DW, an RD where everyone is invited always makes for a more fun wedding.
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    msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
    5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper First Comment

    We are already hosting a welcome party for everyone on the first night.  The second night my FI really wants a fun and more intimate event for those who are such a huge part of our life as a couple. So, hosting the rehersal for everyone isn't an option for us. Though, I suppose it is a bit of a conflict if there are up to other 30 strangers on the boat. Guess, we will think about it more.

    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
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    harper0813harper0813 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    I'm going to be different and say that I don't find it impolite for you to keep the rehearsal to WP, immediate family and all SOs if it's a destination wedding.

    That being said, if your mom pays for the boat, she gets to decide who fills those extra spots.
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    doeydodoeydo member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Just invite the wedding party and parents of the bride and groom for the rehearsal dinner.  You don't have to invite the whole guest list...
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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    It sounds like this just doesn't work for you. You're right, you can't charge other guests to come. It wouldn't be very nice to have a situation where 75% of the guests are invited to the rehersal dinner, and the rest aren't. And if you want something intimate, you can't share that with strangers. Strangers who may not be overjoyed to be sharing their special night out with a bug rehersal dinner. I'd keep looking for options.
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    allispainallispain member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    STARMOON44 said:
    It sounds like this just doesn't work for you. You're right, you can't charge other guests to come. It wouldn't be very nice to have a situation where 75% of the guests are invited to the rehersal dinner, and the rest aren't. And if you want something intimate, you can't share that with strangers. Strangers who may not be overjoyed to be sharing their special night out with a bug rehersal dinner. I'd keep looking for options.
    I agree.
    image
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    Xstatic3333Xstatic3333 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    Are you concerned that if Mom pays for the boat she will charge people, or just that she will play favorites? You can't charge people, but if you extended it to a defined circle (aunts and uncles? college friends?) it might be ok.
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    msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
    5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper First Comment
    I'm guessing she'd charge people for the extra spots. And, if not, I don't know who she'd give them to.  
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
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    tammym1001tammym1001 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    I think that sounds like a fun RD. Every RD I've ever gone to has been at a restaurant so they are definitely not private. It never made a difference to anyone. If you only want to pay for the 28 people I would do that and just not have it private. 
    image
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    This could be a fun RD, but guests are not to be charged; nor are they to include anyone not invited to the wedding.  If your mother doesn't understand that, then she'd better not be the one who pays for the RD.  I hope you can work this out, because your plans otherwise sound really neat!
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    msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
    5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper First Comment
    She knows you don't charge people in the wedding party, but I'm not sure she wouldn't charge guest who aren't in the wedding party but want to take up the extra spots. She's really set on having a private party. But with the wedding on such a small island, boat tours are limited. We are really set on a boat tour because we don't think a lot of people would pay for it on their own, and the carribean water is something not to be missed! :) Of course, we have to be budget concious too.
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
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    PixeKat86PixeKat86 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    Plenty of people have a rehearsal dinner at a restaurant and there are other diners present, so I don't think it is a problem if you don't rent out the entire boat.  It is not like the randoms will be sitting at the table with you.
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