Pushy FMIL and dress shopping

runnergal31 · September 2013

Hi everyone,

Just wanted some feedback! My FMIL has 2 sons, one of which is already married. I do like her but she can be very opinionated without much of a filter, so while she tried to fish for an invite dress shopping I politely said I was looking forward to a mother-daughter weekend but would be happy to invite her to fittings. Well, I did not find my dress that first time so now am going again with just my mom, as soon as I told her this she immediately said she would love to come and let her know when and where. I said I would check with my mom and was taken aback she invited herself when I thought it was clear I wasnt inviting her. I feel guilty that she doesnt have daughters and didnt go dress shopping with her other DIL but would prefer it to be just me and mom, and I know my mom prefers this too. Well, the way it works out now, the time I could go is actually when FMIL will not be in town - is it rude to just go then and tell her afterwards that I got my dress and invite her to a fitting? I dont want to look like I am just avoiding her but my mom lives in another state and finding times when she can come/Im free isnt easy, my wedding is 10 months away so Id like to find a dress soon! Oh, FMIL lives near me, my mom doesnt. So I was also thinking if I find one I can invite FMIL to see it one night and go to dinner with her after, as well as to a fitting. Does this sound ok?

Lored · September 2013

I wouldn't feel bad at all. I think it's actually helpful to have less people when dress shopping especially if its someone who you didn't even want there. I would simply use your mother's out of town location as an excuse and tell FMIL that you ended up going when your mom could make it. No apologies. Honestly, she doesn't even need to "go see it". Just wait until your fitting and invite her then. She'll be happiest to see the dress on you.

loves2shop4shoes · September 2013

Your first mistake was telling your FMIL that you'd "check to your mom" instead of standing firm and saying, "I appreciate your support, but I'd really like it to be a special time with just my mother."

So now you feel like you're scrambling for an excuse. I'd just tell her you and your mother found a dress when she was gone and let that be that.

Ajuliana · September 2013

I think it would be lovely to invite her at least once. My MIL has two sons, and I was happy to invite her. Did I buy the dress she liked? No. Was she ecstatic to see a "daughter" try on dresses? Absolutely.

How many times are you going to go, and why not include her at least once?

artbyallie · September 2013

I try to make it a general rule of thumb to not talk about activities I'm doing around people who are not going to be invited. Now, there are obvious exceptions, like discussing weekend plans with coworkers or whatever. But you knew FMIL would like to be invited and you brought up that you were going with no intention of asking her along. That's kind of insensitive.

cidefi · September 2013

I wouldn't make excuses and I wouldn't be rude, but I'd tell her she wasn't invited.

misssunshine17 · September 2013

I went home to show pictures to my dad before officially picking a dress and ordering. I offered for my FMIL to come with me to get measured and order my dress. Didn't end up working out, but at least I offered.

melbelleup · September 2013

/shrug. I really wanted my FMIL at mine, but she couldn't get the time off of work since we went on a weekday and she just got back from medical leave. I did send her pictures of the dress we ended up buying though. I think it would be nice to bond with your FMIL especially because she will be in your life for a long time.

That being said, I understand wanting mommy and me time since your mom lives out of state. If I were you, I would try and include her in some other wedding plans and don't talk wedding stuff if you're not going to invite her to it.

BeebeeT55 · September 2013

I have very different advice. I think you should make a special date with your FMIL to go dress shopping. It should be completely separate from when your Mom is up and you will actually buy the dress. You said you like her and this is a good way to show that.

Since your FMIL lives close to you it makes it easy, make an appointment at a bridal salon one evening after work and have her join you to try on dresses. Commit to yourself in your head that you will not put money down on a dress that day, you are just there to try on styles and bond with your MIL. If she is opinionated let her pick some dresses for you to try on, you have nothing to loose, you don't have to buy any of them. Look at this as a investment in a happy start to your MIL/DIL relationship, and all it will cost you is an hour or so of your time. If you do see dresses you like you can note the styles.

Then when your Mom comes up you can spend a relaxed day one on one with her at the same salon (or a different one if you hated all of the dresses) and actually pick out and buy your wedding dress.

climbingsingle · September 2013

I have a very similar situation to you. My mom lives out of state (I'm in NY, she's in PA) and we don't get to spend as much time together as we both like. My FMIL also has two boys and no daughters. However, I wouldn't dream of not inviting FMIL to dress shopping. In fact, I'm scheduling my first appointment for when I know she's in town (she lives in FL). Granted, I really love my FMIL and her and my mother get along really well. I'm looking forward to all three of us being there together.

After we got engaged, FMIL talked about how excited she was to finally have a daughter. And I would never want her to feel excluded, you know?

harper0813 · September 2013

I invited FMIL to my first appointment. But she's a peacekeeper and I didn't have to worry about her being pushy. She liked everything on me!

Honestly, I think dress shopping is one of those things that gets to be up to you (and the person paying for the dress, of course). I wouldn't do it behind her back, though. Just be honest, send her an email or give her a call and let her know that you'd like to keep dress shopping with just your mom, but you will send her some photos.

doeydo · September 2013

Just go with your mom. Bringing people you don't want to bring dress shopping usually turns into a disaster. Wedding dress shopping is something that you, as the bride, get to completely decide who to bring and who not to bring. It was incredibly rude of your FMIL to invite herself, but you need to tell her again that you want it to be just you and your mom. If you want, your FMIL can come to a dress fitting.

allispain · September 2013

I think it's a bit pushy of her to keep asking to me invited, but you should look at that as her showing her excitement about the upcoming wedding. If you want, you can do what PP suggested and go dress shopping with her one day, but know that you won't actually buy anything. You never know, maybe you'll end up falling in love with a dress (at which point you can take your mother there when she comes into to town and show it to her). Or maybe you won't find anything you love but it will help you get a better sense of your style, who knows.

However, I don't think that you have to invite her to join you at any point unless you want to. I think it would be good for you to do so, since you want to have a good relationship with her, but it isn't required.

When I went dress shopping, I sent my now MIL a picture of the dress after I had chosen it. I also asked if she wanted to come to any fittings (she declined due to her work schedule). I wanted her to feel included but it would have been awkward to have her at the appointment since I only went with one of the BMs the first time and then with my mom the second so that I could show her "the dress" and get her stamp of approval. I also had DH's stepmom constantly offering to help me go dress shopping, go to fittings, etc. I thanked her for being so interested in the wedding, but never invited her to come to any since I had only met her once before this (after DH and I got engaged - we had been together 3 years by that point) and didn't really know her. While that may have been a good chance to get to know her, I didn't think it was really the time or place.

delujm0 · September 2013

She's being pushy, but at least she's trying to be involved - maybe after you go with your mom, if you find a dress to buy you can brng your MIL back there with you one day to show it to her. Tell her that the only time your mom could come is when she is out of town, but that if you find your dress you'll bring her to see it the next week. May as well start off on the right foot with the MIL.

Both my mom and MIL are out of state, but my mom came down for dress shopping. When she left I had two contendors to decide between and i sent pictures of both to MIL to get her input. She's not pushy at all and basically just said she loved them both. But if she was able to be here i would have asked her to come. Her daughter got married a few years ago though, so it's not like she didn't have her own kid to go dress shopping with.

KatWAG · September 2013

If you dont want your FMIL to go dress shopping with you, then stop talking about it with her.

FWIW, I went dress shopping with my mom and MOH. when I found my dress I called my FMIL to see if she wanted to come see what I had picked out. She lived close to the dress shop so it was easy.

laylasaurus · September 2013

By no means do you have to invite her if you don't want her there. Also, I don't see the point of inviting her to fittings if you don't want her for the shopping. The fittings are the boring part, the dress is already picked out, not a whole lot of input needed there (it's good to have someone there just to make sure everything looks right). Unless she REALLY wants to be at the fitting, I wouldn't skip the invite for that. It seems a little "well I didn't want you there for the part that really mattered (picking THE dress) but why don't you come along to the tedious thing". If you don't want her involved with the dress, don't involve her. Find something else that you'd like to involve her in. Maybe she would enjoy the visit to the florist, etc. I didn't have FMIL help me find my dress, but I did involve her in coming up with a nice headpiece to go with the dress. I didn't want a veil, but she is crafty so this was a good way to involve her with my "look", without all the pressure that taking unwanted opinions dress shopping can involve.

HisGirlFriday13 · September 2013

You are not at all obligated to go shopping with your FMIL -- not even to appease her. You should, however, stop talking about it in front of her, because that gives her false hope.

I completely disagree with the poster who thought you should take her shopping "just for funsies." No. Wedding dress shopping isn't fun under the best of circumstances, and it doesn't sound like your FMIL is a good grace under pressure person.

I'd just make the appointment, NOT TELL HER ABOUT IT, and then go from there.

runnergal31 · September 2013

thanks for all the advice everyone! I think I am going to go with my mom and hopefully narrow it to 2 or 3 choices I know I love and then ask MIL to come and help make the final decision. Id rather not leave the door open to completely pick a dress, I fear her style and pushy/opinionated attitude wouldnt be helpful. To be clear, she constantly asks me about it and invited herself, I dont bring it up in front of her on purpose! But I agree with those of you who say to make her feel included. Thanks!

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