Ideas for two weddings

josixp · September 2013

Hi, I've seen a couple of discussions on having two weddings due to families living at different places, but I would love to hear from the people that did it how they felt, specially on the second wedding. I'm Brazilian, my fiancé is german, and we live in Ireland. We first thought of doing only one ceremony in Germany but my mom can't make it, so we are first doing a small ceremony/reception in Brazil. Since most of our friends are in Europe this would be mainly for the families. However we want to celebrate with our friends as well so we will still have the german wedding. However, I'm concerned about how this "second wedding" will feel. The two weddings will be 4 months apart and I'm worried that by the time the second wedding takes place it won't really feel like a wedding. For those who had been in this situation how did it feel? Was it weird to wear the wedding dress again? How about doing the rings exchange a second time after months? Any ideas on how to make the second wedding more special? Doing the church in one and the civil in the other won't work for us. Thanks!

doeydo · September 2013

You can have a wedding in Brazil (or wherever you choose) and invite whoever you want, some of your friends from Europe may want to travel to it if you invite them. However, I advise against having a second, fake wedding. You can, however, have a party in Europe (or wherever) to celebrate your marriage and incorporate everyone. This means no wedding dress, groomsmen, bridesmaids, first dances, etc.

Liatris2010 · September 2013

josixp said:

Hi, I've seen a couple of discussions on having two weddings due to families living at different places, but I would love to hear from the people that did it how they felt, specially on the second wedding. I'm Brazilian, my fiancé is german, and we live in Ireland. We first thought of doing only one ceremony in Germany but my mom can't make it, so we are first doing a small ceremony/reception in Brazil. Since most of our friends are in Europe this would be mainly for the families. However we want to celebrate with our friends as well so we will still have the german wedding. However, I'm concerned about how this "second wedding" will feel. The two weddings will be 4 months apart and I'm worried that by the time the second wedding takes place it won't really feel like a wedding. For those who had been in this situation how did it feel? Was it weird to wear the wedding dress again? How about doing the rings exchange a second time after months? Any ideas on how to make the second wedding more special? Doing the church in one and the civil in the other won't work for us. Thanks!

Of course it won't feel like a wedding, it won't be one. You'll already be married, you won't be getting married again, you'll just be pretending. I think the best thing to do is one ceremony, and then as many kick ass parties to celebrate as you want.

LondonLisa · September 2013

I agree with @Liatris2010. You can't have two weddings unless you get divorced in between. Have one wedding/reception in Brazil and then a fun party to celebrate in Europe. Although, with the post-wedding celebration, please note this is not a wedding reception part 2, this means no wedding dress, first dance, cake cutting or other wedding celebrations or ceremonies. At that point you will be a wife, not a bride. Have fun!

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

Just throw a really big party. Re-doing the ceremony won't feel like a wedding because it's not a wedding. No one is being "wed". It'll probably feel really silly to dress up like a bride and groom pretending to recreate the wedding. Don't do it. Throw a huge party and invite whoever you want.

MyNameIsNot · September 2013

Obviously the second event won't feel like a wedding. It won't be a wedding.

My husband's family is mostly in Peru, and couldn't travel to the US for our wedding. We went to Peru and had a party shortly after our wedding to celebrate with his family that couldn't travel. It obviously wasn't a wedding, but it was a great party.

FiancB · September 2013

I think I'd pick a location and maybe find a way to stream it for people that can't make it. Then have a big party at the other location later. I agree it would be weird to go through the wedding stuff twice.

Davindane89 · September 2013

I advise against having a second, fake wedding. you'll just be pretending. I think the best thing to do is one ceremony, and then as many kick ass parties to celebrate as you want.

JessicaJupiter · September 2013

I would say have the ceremony recorded in full and then at the "second reception" you can replay the ceremony for all to see. It wouldn't be appropriate to have a second fake ceremony, the emotion just wouldn't be there.

In my opinion I wouldn't think it'd be stupid to wear your dress for the second reception/party, you paid enough for the dress so you should get to wear it as many times as you can! Have a second wedding cake! This is a party to celebrate your wedding with your friends, none of them will complain that you are feeding them a wedding cake and throwing a great party!

I had this idea before as my wedding date is set for a weekday. Our intention was to just have a reception days later but I got so many angry people acting like I was trying to get the best of both worlds so I am stuck trying to squeeze a reception into the evening without blowing my budget.

jenn77b · September 2013

My friend is from Brazil and she lives in the U.S. and had a small ceremony (not at a church) here in the U.S. Then she had a "real wedding" with the dress, church, etc. when they went to Brazil later. I think it was an issue of timing/citizenship that they did the small one first here in the U.S. I think she loved this because she wanted to make sure she had the real wedding experience with her family, which she got to do, and it also had the more religious element that the first one didn't have, as it was just a simple ceremony done by an officiant. Many people do the small elopement first, then a real wedding later, and I think that still allows it to feel like they didn't have two "weddings".

Jen4948 · September 2013

jenn77b said:

My friend is from Brazil and she lives in the U.S. and had a small ceremony (not at a church) here in the U.S. Then she had a "real wedding" with the dress, church, etc. when they went to Brazil later. I think it was an issue of timing/citizenship that they did the small one first here in the U.S. I think she loved this because she wanted to make sure she had the real wedding experience with her family, which she got to do, and it also had the more religious element that the first one didn't have, as it was just a simple ceremony done by an officiant. Many people do the small elopement first, then a real wedding later, and I think that still allows it to feel like they didn't have two "weddings".

Sorry, but immigration status isn't an excuse for pretending the first wedding didn't happen or that it doesn't constitute a "wedding." It does. The small elopement means that the second occasion is NOT a "real wedding." The first one was the "real" as well as the "only" wedding.

NYCMercedes · September 2013

Davindane89 said:

I advise against having a second, fake wedding. you'll just be pretending. I think the best thing to do is one ceremony, and then as many kick ass parties to celebrate as you want.

Perfect idea!

jenn77b · September 2013

Wow, I'm amazed at what other people on here have decided a wedding is. Some couples who are from two different cultures even have two different weddings to celebrate both cultures. And that one is "fake" and one is "real"? Doesn't really matter what it means to the people considering doing something like this? They're not actors, they're real people who are just trying to share various elements as best they can with the people they care about. And second of all, I was NOT advising anyone, I have just given an example of what someone did and what others have done and how ...get this...they didn't think it was some fake affair...they made it work, it was genuine both times. What exactly are people pretending..that the second time around saying similar vows makes it any less real? Come on.

Ultimately, they can call both of these ceremonies whatever they choose to. Yeah, there is the legality of it all, so there can only be one legal ceremoney. But a wedding is whatever you decide it to be...whether you have more than one "event" to celebrate your matrimony due to geographical issues/limitations is a personal decision or not. Call the second one a vow renewal ceremony if you want. It's not like they're trying to pull the wool over their guests eyes and trick them into thinking it's the first time.

jenn77b · September 2013

And my suggestion if you do have two "events" is to make them different, and not do the ring exchange again and all of that type of stuff. Make it more of a confirmation of the vows you already took. Do you have to wear the same dress?

jenn77b · September 2013

Jen4948 said:

jenn77b said:

My friend is from Brazil and she lives in the U.S. and had a small ceremony (not at a church) here in the U.S. Then she had a "real wedding" with the dress, church, etc. when they went to Brazil later. I think it was an issue of timing/citizenship that they did the small one first here in the U.S. I think she loved this because she wanted to make sure she had the real wedding experience with her family, which she got to do, and it also had the more religious element that the first one didn't have, as it was just a simple ceremony done by an officiant. Many people do the small elopement first, then a real wedding later, and I think that still allows it to feel like they didn't have two "weddings".
Sorry, but immigration status isn't an excuse for pretending the first wedding didn't happen or that it doesn't constitute a "wedding." It does. The small elopement means that the second occasion is NOT a "real wedding." The first one was the "real" as well as the "only" wedding.

No one marched around the second wedding/event demanding their gifts back because they thought they were at a REAL wedding and they weren't. Everyone knew that they were getting a chance to witness a confirmation of the vows the couple already took at the first ceremony. Doesn't make the second one any less "real", unless by real you mean legal. Other than that, they had real food, danced to real music, and celebrated with real people who couldn't possibly witness the first and ONLY wedding.

Jen4948 · September 2013

jenn77b said:

Jen4948 said:

jenn77b said:

My friend is from Brazil and she lives in the U.S. and had a small ceremony (not at a church) here in the U.S. Then she had a "real wedding" with the dress, church, etc. when they went to Brazil later. I think it was an issue of timing/citizenship that they did the small one first here in the U.S. I think she loved this because she wanted to make sure she had the real wedding experience with her family, which she got to do, and it also had the more religious element that the first one didn't have, as it was just a simple ceremony done by an officiant. Many people do the small elopement first, then a real wedding later, and I think that still allows it to feel like they didn't have two "weddings".
Sorry, but immigration status isn't an excuse for pretending the first wedding didn't happen or that it doesn't constitute a "wedding." It does. The small elopement means that the second occasion is NOT a "real wedding." The first one was the "real" as well as the "only" wedding.
No one marched around the second wedding/event demanding their gifts back because they thought they were at a REAL wedding and they weren't. Everyone knew that they were getting a chance to witness a confirmation of the vows the couple already took at the first ceremony. Doesn't make the second one any less "real", unless by real you mean legal. Other than that, they had real food, danced to real music, and celebrated with real people who couldn't possibly witness the first and ONLY wedding.

The first wedding was the REAL wedding regardless of who couldn't be there. The second was a celebration, but it was not your "wedding" no matter how much you want to think of it that way.

artbyallie · September 2013

I swear, I will never understand people who think the dress and the party are more important and more 'real' than the legal commitment together. And you are a liar if you (general you that have PPDs) try to claim that you don't think that way. Because you would never try and have the second party if you didn't think the damn dress and bells and whistles were more important than the actual wedding.

emskeet18 · September 2013

I was just visiting The Knot discussion boards for the first time tonight and I stumbled upon this thread. I'm really surprised by some of the strong feelings on here and I'd just like to throw in my own commentary on the topic.

My husband and I were married at the courthouse this summer. He is from Ecuador and came to the U.S. on a fiance visa so, according to the terms of the visa, we had to be married within 90 days. With such a short time frame, we weren't able to plan a large wedding and celebration so we decided ahead of time that we would just be married by the judge. Both of us wanted a large celebratory wedding with family and friends, but the strict visa terms really don't allow for that type of planning.

Most of my husband's family cannot travel to the United States because it is extremely difficult to obtain a visa. Many members of my family would not be able to travel to Ecuador because of the cost. How do we choose where, and with whom, to celebrate our marriage? Well, we're having two weddings. And I'm not going to call one a real wedding and one a fake wedding. We are celebrating our love for each other and we want to do it with both of our families, even if it means doing it twice. This has nothing to do with dresses, rings, or gifts. It is about expressing our commitment to each other in front of those who matter most. Everyone's situation is different and if you want to have more than one wedding, fine. Untraditional? Certainly, but it can be done.

NYCMercedes · September 2013

emskeet18 said:

I was just visiting The Knot discussion boards for the first time tonight and I stumbled upon this thread. I'm really surprised by some of the strong feelings on here and I'd just like to throw in my own commentary on the topic.

My husband and I were married at the courthouse this summer. He is from Ecuador and came to the U.S. on a fiance visa so, according to the terms of the visa, we had to be married within 90 days. With such a short time frame, we weren't able to plan a large wedding and celebration so we decided ahead of time that we would just be married by the judge. Both of us wanted a large celebratory wedding with family and friends, but the strict visa terms really don't allow for that type of planning.

Most of my husband's family cannot travel to the United States because it is extremely difficult to obtain a visa. Many members of my family would not be able to travel to Ecuador because of the cost. How do we choose where, and with whom, to celebrate our marriage? Well, we're having two weddings. And I'm not going to call one a real wedding and one a fake wedding. We are celebrating our love for each other and we want to do it with both of our families, even if it means doing it twice. This has nothing to do with dresses, rings, or gifts. It is about expressing our commitment to each other in front of those who matter most. Everyone's situation is different and if you want to have more than one wedding, fine. Untraditional? Certainly, but it can be done.

Still, not my cup of tea.

manateehugger · September 2013

I'm sorry, I just don't think a rushed marriage for legal purposes (aka benefits, a visa, a deployment, etc.) is an acceptable reason to pretend as if that wedding wasn't enough of a wedding. FI and I regularly celebrate our love for each other - it doesn't involve a white dress and vows.

You make your choices in life and you must own them.

WildMagelet · September 2013

emskeet18 said:

I was just visiting The Knot discussion boards for the first time tonight and I stumbled upon this thread. I'm really surprised by some of the strong feelings on here and I'd just like to throw in my own commentary on the topic.

My husband and I were married at the courthouse this summer. He is from Ecuador and came to the U.S. on a fiance visa so, according to the terms of the visa, we had to be married within 90 days. With such a short time frame, we weren't able to plan a large wedding and celebration so we decided ahead of time that we would just be married by the judge. Both of us wanted a large celebratory wedding with family and friends, but the strict visa terms really don't allow for that type of planning.

Most of my husband's family cannot travel to the United States because it is extremely difficult to obtain a visa. Many members of my family would not be able to travel to Ecuador because of the cost. How do we choose where, and with whom, to celebrate our marriage? Well, we're having two weddings. And I'm not going to call one a real wedding and one a fake wedding. We are celebrating our love for each other and we want to do it with both of our families, even if it means doing it twice. This has nothing to do with dresses, rings, or gifts. It is about expressing our commitment to each other in front of those who matter most. Everyone's situation is different and if you want to have more than one wedding, fine. Untraditional? Certainly, but it can be done.

I understand. I have friends & family who have married their husbands/wives on fiance visas. But none of them got married and had a "redo" ceremony later. Getting married by a JOP is still a wedding - it's still when you were legally wed. You can certainly have a kick-butt celebration party or two, but dressing up and pretending to be a bride & groom after you're already husband and wife is AWish and silly.

clg1213 · September 2013

You have one wedding. You can have as many "celebrations" as you wish, but you should be upfront that it is "an event to celebrate the recent marriage/wedding of Mickey and Minnie."

LondonLisa · September 2013

emskeet18 said:

I was just visiting The Knot discussion boards for the first time tonight and I stumbled upon this thread. I'm really surprised by some of the strong feelings on here and I'd just like to throw in my own commentary on the topic.

My husband and I were married at the courthouse this summer. He is from Ecuador and came to the U.S. on a fiance visa so, according to the terms of the visa, we had to be married within 90 days. With such a short time frame, we weren't able to plan a large wedding and celebration so we decided ahead of time that we would just be married by the judge. Both of us wanted a large celebratory wedding with family and friends, but the strict visa terms really don't allow for that type of planning.

Most of my husband's family cannot travel to the United States because it is extremely difficult to obtain a visa. Many members of my family would not be able to travel to Ecuador because of the cost. How do we choose where, and with whom, to celebrate our marriage? Well, we're having two weddings. And I'm not going to call one a real wedding and one a fake wedding. We are celebrating our love for each other and we want to do it with both of our families, even if it means doing it twice. This has nothing to do with dresses, rings, or gifts. It is about expressing our commitment to each other in front of those who matter most. Everyone's situation is different and if you want to have more than one wedding, fine. Untraditional? Certainly, but it can be done.

Sorry, but having more than one wedding is like having more than one graduation. If your family didn't see your school graduation, would you hire a cap and gown, walk across a stage, give a speech? No, because it would be ridiculous and everyone would know that you already did your ceremony. What they would do is take you out for a nice meal or have a party to celebrate. Maybe look at your photos/ videos and have a great time. This goes with a wedding as well- you shouldn't just redo the ceremony because you want to. Of course, go ahead and celebrate your love with each other in both places with parties but don't to a pretend ceremony in the second place. One you will be a bride and the other you will be a wife.

Everyone will have a million excuses as to why their situation is different, but sorry, no it is not (and yes, I have been through immigration/ military deployment issues as well). You get one wedding in which you are married. full stop. end of story. Every thing else is play acting.

artbyallie · September 2013

You know, you could've planned a wedding in 3 months, @emskeet18. Plenty of people do. My SIL got married one month after announcing her engagement. She wore a wedding dress and had an outdoor ceremony and reception with a casual dinner and cake and dancing. Her H is in the Air Force and had something like two weeks leave between finishing training and being assigned a thousand miles from their hometown.

JaneAustensGhost · September 2013

I had to get a fiancé visa for the UK. I have six months to get married, but the point of the visa is to have the ceremony you've already planned. I didn't start planning once I got here. In fact, you can't do that - you have to prove you've already planned the ceremony in order for the visa to be issued. It is the same in the US. So your immigration excuse fails on the basis of logic and law.

Fran1985 · September 2013

emskeet18 said:

I was just visiting The Knot discussion boards for the first time tonight and I stumbled upon this thread. I'm really surprised by some of the strong feelings on here and I'd just like to throw in my own commentary on the topic.

My husband and I were married at the courthouse this summer. He is from Ecuador and came to the U.S. on a fiance visa so, according to the terms of the visa, we had to be married within 90 days. With such a short time frame, we weren't able to plan a large wedding and celebration so we decided ahead of time that we would just be married by the judge. Both of us wanted a large celebratory wedding with family and friends, but the strict visa terms really don't allow for that type of planning.

Most of my husband's family cannot travel to the United States because it is extremely difficult to obtain a visa. Many members of my family would not be able to travel to Ecuador because of the cost. How do we choose where, and with whom, to celebrate our marriage? Well, we're having two weddings. And I'm not going to call one a real wedding and one a fake wedding. We are celebrating our love for each other and we want to do it with both of our families, even if it means doing it twice. This has nothing to do with dresses, rings, or gifts. It is about expressing our commitment to each other in front of those who matter most. Everyone's situation is different and if you want to have more than one wedding, fine. Untraditional? Certainly, but it can be done.

If it has nothing to do with that, than surely you aren't wearing a wedding dress, doing the ceremony, "its my day" and all that hoopla? Invite people to a party to celebrate your love, by all means. But when people "redo" the wedding, its a DEAD GIVEAWAY that all they care about is the dress, gifts, being recognized as a "bride" (even though by then you are a wife). And I say that as someone who cares about that stuff- which is why I invited my family and friends to witness my actually wedding.

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