I'm completely distraught, and I'm hoping by posting my story to get guidance on how to go forward. I'm going to summarize the best I can here so you're not reading a book....
I'm engaged and planning my wedding for early next year. My mother is adopted and recently came into contact with her full-blooded immediate siblings. Of course I am very excited that they have finally connected, and my mother has planned a trip in late fall to visit them (they live across the country). Originally, I was going to join her. But since we first began talking about the trip I've became engaged and started a new job. My new job has limited paid time off, so I only have 2 weeks paid vacation from now until this time next year, which I need to save most of for my wedding & honeymoon. I told her that I can only can take two days off work (not including travel days) for this trip.
My mother has graciously offered to pay for a large portion of the wedding. She mentioned inviting her new siblings to my wedding, which I said I was uncomfortable with, since essentially they are strangers. She offered to pay for their airfare and reception dinners, but I still thought it wasn't a good idea. For one, I don't know them whatsoever, although so far they do seem like very lovely people. Second, to me a wedding is a very personal affair and my fiancé and I are only planning to have our closest friends and family there.
Well two weeks ago she sent an email to one of her siblings that I was copied on. In this email she explained how disappointed she was that we couldn't visit for longer then two days, but I didn't want to "rock the boat" with my new employer by taking too much time off work. Then she proceeded to invite them to the wedding! Needless to say, I was shocked.
Later on the phone, when I asked why she had invited them after I asked her not to, she became very irate and insisted that because she was paying for a large chuck of the wedding that she is entitled to do so. Then she hung up on me. Two days later I received a confirmation email that she had booked our tickets to visit this new family. I replied to confirmation email explaining that I felt she had over stepped her boundaries by sending the invite after I asked her not to. I won't get too much into the details, but her reply was very nasty and I was accused of not being supportive of her meeting this new family.
Long story short, I have canceled my trip to meet them and my mother and I are not on speaking terms at the moment. My fiancé and I have decided to not accept anymore of her money and to pay for everything ourselves.
I should also explain that I come a divorced household and lived with an abusive step-father for 15 years. I had step-siblings that I liked very much though. I also have a half-sister whom I love dearly. My mom and step-father have since divorced, and I no longer see or speak to him or his children. Ten years ago I found out I had an older half-brother that my mother gave up for adoption. I met him and we have had a great relationship since. I am staying this because I am exhausted with having family members come in and out my life and I need to form my own relationship with these new aunts and uncles on my terms, at my own speed.
I believe I have made the right decision by canceling my trip, but I am also feeling tremendous guilt. I want to be there for mother in this major life event, but I cannot have her treat me with such disrespect, which I feel is what is happening and had happened at moments throughout my life. This silent treatment is killing me and I feel so sad and depressed about the whole thing. At this point, I would just elope with my fiancé so we could get married without the stress, but there is a nonrefundable deposit down on the reception hall, so we need to proceed with the original plans.
Any responses would be appreciated....thanks for listening.