setting boundaries with FIL's

cruffino · October 2013

FI and i have been struggling with setting boundaries with FI's parents, my soon to be in-laws. they come over sometimes 2-3 times per week and its really starting to grate on my nerves.

a bit of backstory: 1) they are retired and have absolutely nothing going on.

2) they own the house that FI and i live in. the house has 2 apartments, one which we rent from them. the 2nd apt has been under renovation since july. this has given them ample reason to "have" to come over including meet the the contractor, meet with the floor guys, the electrician, the boiler repair and on and on and on.

they will set up appointments without asking if the time is good for FI and i. the apartments have separate entrances, but they will insist on hanging out with us when they are around. they will then proceed to hang around for hours. for example, if they meet with the floor guy when FI and i are at work, they will stick around and expect to have dinner with us.

i have always liked FI's parents and they have been very good to me. what's happening is that i don't feel that they respect my space and time, and therefore i'm starting to develop negative feelings toward them. i don't want it to get worse.

add to this that they regularly complain to FI and i about their finances and everything else. FI's mom calls him at least 1x/day. FI will listen and provide them with advice and feedback. in the end, they will decide to do whatever they want regardless of his advice and then he feels annoyed.

i feel that since they are his parents, its his responsibility to lay out the boundaries to them. we have talked and argued over this and it has gotten better to a certain degree. he is more open to telling them no....that is when they ask and don't just show up.

i have a very different relationship with my parents who both work and have active social lives as well. we don't just show up. we always check in and make plans in advance. that's how i function. in fact, i would like to see my parents more than i do, but we're all so busy so it isn't always possible.

so i recognize that alot of people deal with this and in-law issues are nothing new! i just needed to get it off my chest. any advice or feedback is appreciated!

melbelleup · October 2013

cruffino said:

FI and i have been struggling with setting boundaries with FI's parents, my soon to be in-laws. they come over sometimes 2-3 times per week and its really starting to grate on my nerves.
a bit of backstory: 1) they are retired and have absolutely nothing going on.
2) they own the house that FI and i live in. the house has 2 apartments, one which we rent from them. the 2nd apt has been under renovation since july. this has given them ample reason to "have" to come over including meet the the contractor, meet with the floor guys, the electrician, the boiler repair and on and on and on.
they will set up appointments without asking if the time is good for FI and i. the apartments have separate entrances, but they will insist on hanging out with us when they are around. they will then proceed to hang around for hours. for example, if they meet with the floor guy when FI and i are at work, they will stick around and expect to have dinner with us.
i have always liked FI's parents and they have been very good to me. what's happening is that i don't feel that they respect my space and time, and therefore i'm starting to develop negative feelings toward them. i don't want it to get worse.
add to this that they regularly complain to FI and i about their finances and everything else. FI's mom calls him at least 1x/day. FI will listen and provide them with advice and feedback. in the end, they will decide to do whatever they want regardless of his advice and then he feels annoyed.
i feel that since they are his parents, its his responsibility to lay out the boundaries to them. we have talked and argued over this and it has gotten better to a certain degree. he is more open to telling them no....that is when they ask and don't just show up.
i have a very different relationship with my parents who both work and have active social lives as well. we don't just show up. we always check in and make plans in advance. that's how i function. in fact, i would like to see my parents more than i do, but we're all so busy so it isn't always possible.
so i recognize that alot of people deal with this and in-law issues are nothing new! i just needed to get it off my chest. any advice or feedback is appreciated!

Sigh. I wish my in-laws visited us twice a week. Honestly, it's for your fiance to deal with. His parents, his issue. However, I don't see why his parents need to check with you and your FI before visiting the other apartment or showing it. I think if you guys really want more alone time, you need to find a new place to live where they don't have access to it. I'm sure they're giving you a killer deal, but since you're not happy, move on and find some place else to live.

OliveOilsMom · October 2013

cruffino said:

FI and i have been struggling with setting boundaries with FI's parents, my soon to be in-laws. they come over sometimes 2-3 times per week and its really starting to grate on my nerves.

a bit of backstory: 1) they are retired and have absolutely nothing going on.

2) they own the house that FI and i live in. the house has 2 apartments, one which we rent from them. the 2nd apt has been under renovation since july. this has given them ample reason to "have" to come over including meet the the contractor, meet with the floor guys, the electrician, the boiler repair and on and on and on.

they will set up appointments without asking if the time is good for FI and i. the apartments have separate entrances, but they will insist on hanging out with us when they are around. they will then proceed to hang around for hours. for example, if they meet with the floor guy when FI and i are at work, they will stick around and expect to have dinner with us.

i have always liked FI's parents and they have been very good to me. what's happening is that i don't feel that they respect my space and time, and therefore i'm starting to develop negative feelings toward them. i don't want it to get worse.

add to this that they regularly complain to FI and i about their finances and everything else. FI's mom calls him at least 1x/day. FI will listen and provide them with advice and feedback. in the end, they will decide to do whatever they want regardless of his advice and then he feels annoyed.

i feel that since they are his parents, its his responsibility to lay out the boundaries to them. we have talked and argued over this and it has gotten better to a certain degree. he is more open to telling them no....that is when they ask and don't just show up.

i have a very different relationship with my parents who both work and have active social lives as well. we don't just show up. we always check in and make plans in advance. that's how i function. in fact, i would like to see my parents more than i do, but we're all so busy so it isn't always possible.

so i recognize that alot of people deal with this and in-law issues are nothing new! i just needed to get it off my chest. any advice or feedback is appreciated!

Move.

zitiqueen · October 2013

cruffino said:

FI and i have been struggling with setting boundaries with FI's parents, my soon to be in-laws. they come over sometimes 2-3 times per week and its really starting to grate on my nerves.

a bit of backstory: 1) they are retired and have absolutely nothing going on.

2) they own the house that FI and i live in. the house has 2 apartments, one which we rent from them. the 2nd apt has been under renovation since july. this has given them ample reason to "have" to come over including meet the the contractor, meet with the floor guys, the electrician, the boiler repair and on and on and on.

they will set up appointments without asking if the time is good for FI and i. the apartments have separate entrances, but they will insist on hanging out with us when they are around. they will then proceed to hang around for hours. for example, if they meet with the floor guy when FI and i are at work, they will stick around and expect to have dinner with us.

i have always liked FI's parents and they have been very good to me. what's happening is that i don't feel that they respect my space and time, and therefore i'm starting to develop negative feelings toward them. i don't want it to get worse.

add to this that they regularly complain to FI and i about their finances and everything else. FI's mom calls him at least 1x/day. FI will listen and provide them with advice and feedback. in the end, they will decide to do whatever they want regardless of his advice and then he feels annoyed.

i feel that since they are his parents, its his responsibility to lay out the boundaries to them. we have talked and argued over this and it has gotten better to a certain degree. he is more open to telling them no....that is when they ask and don't just show up.

i have a very different relationship with my parents who both work and have active social lives as well. we don't just show up. we always check in and make plans in advance. that's how i function. in fact, i would like to see my parents more than i do, but we're all so busy so it isn't always possible.

so i recognize that alot of people deal with this and in-law issues are nothing new! i just needed to get it off my chest. any advice or feedback is appreciated!

Rent an apartment that they aren't the landlords of. Don't give them a key. Problem number one solved.

As for your FMIL calling your FI every day, he doesn't have to answer the phone. When they come over without calling first, you don't have to let them in. Tel them you're busy, now isn't a good time, and close the door. Problem number two solved.

If you aren't willing to do either of these things, the problem isn't with the FILs.

cruffino · October 2013

our plan is to move in about a year. we've definitely agreed on that!

smalfrie19 · October 2013

I say move. I know you are probably saving a lot, but is it worth your privacy? Also, the amount of times his mother calls him daily/weekly/whatever. If he takes issue with it, he needs to bring it up or not answer the phone.

cruffino · October 2013

you ladies are spot on as usual. renting from them is allowing us to save money for a house. we made the choice to live here and these are the consequences. its something we'll have ot deal with until we get a place that is fully our own.

truly, i'm so grateful that his parents have been so generous to us. i do love them. that's why i needed to vent. i don't want this to bring negativity into our relationship, which has been good so far.

KeptInStitches · October 2013

Vent away! Better to do it here than blow up at them. But I can't blame you for wanting your privacy and I'm glad to hear you have plans to move.

cruffino · October 2013

KeptInStitches said:

Vent away! Better to do it here than blow up at them. But I can't blame you for wanting your privacy and I'm glad to hear you have plans to move.

last time they came over i felt myself being pissy, and i don't want to feel that way in my own house with my family. we have plans for the future...just have to hang until then!

i also have started making my own plans. for example, they were just over on saturday and now plan to be over again today. i made plans to visit my mom tonight (who's recovering from foot surgery). and told FI to feel free to have dinner with them....without me.

OliveOilsMom · October 2013

You could also guarantee they will stop showing up unannounced by having them walk in on you & FI during some naughty times! It worked for Charloette and Tre on Sex & the City!

cruffino · October 2013

OliveOilsMom said:

You could also guarantee they will stop showing up unannounced by having them walk in on you & FI during some naughty times! It worked for Charloette and Tre on Sex & the City!

maybe i'll just start walking around in my underwear and sitting on FI's lap.

MyNameIsNot · October 2013

You're on the right page that since they are FI's parents, it's up to him to draw the line. If he's coming around, the next step is for him to explain to them that they need to call and find out whether it is a good time for you before they expect to come and stay. If they come by unannounced, have him give them a polite 5 minutes in the hallway before he excuses himself back into your apartment.

Leaving when they come is a good idea also. If he won't put them out, you can go handle other things (even if it's running errands or getting a pedicure) while they're there. Simply excuse yourself and say that you've got plans for the night.

Dreamergirl8812 · October 2013

I can't believe they have and use a key to your apartment (I understand that they own it). That would make me crazy. My FI would never bring someone into our livingroom without checking with me first, because I don't wear pants.

lovesclimbing · October 2013

I think it's good that you have a definite plan for when to move out. Until then, how much food do you make? If you don't make more than two servings, you can tell them you don't have enough food for four people so they can't stay. Also, I just wouldn't open the door for them. Sleep or have a movie on or have some sort of excuse for not hearing the doorbell or something. And if the phone calls are too much, well, most people have caller IDs these days. Your FI doesn't have to pick up.

natemxsgirl · October 2013

Dreamergirl8812 said:
My FI would never bring someone into our livingroom without checking with me first, because I don't wear pants.

Best comment ever. I'm glad to see I'm not alone in the pants department.

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

If you're planning on moving in a year, just stick it out. In the meantime, try not to let it get to you, breathe and keep the countdown in your head when you feel yourself getting pissy.

It's your FI's choice if he wants to talk to his mom every day. I wouldn't worry about it. When he's on the phone with her, use it as your alone time opportunity.

Sounds like they need a hobby.

MoonlightSilver · October 2013

Change the locks if they have a key, and then refuse them entry. If you come home and FIL is standing outside the door, apologize profusely but point out that you are very busy (for whatever reason, dishes, homework, work work, need to run errands, etc) and he cannot come in. If they show up for dinner, tell them you have plans with friends and they cannot stay. If you're "always busy" then there wont be time for them to stay over.

Maggie0829 · October 2013

I understand that the own the apartment but for them to actually use the key to enter into your space without your permission is completely ridiculous.

I agree with everyone else. Start making yourself scarce or always be "busy".

As for your FMIL calling your FI every day. Well that is something for him to work out on his own.

setting boundaries with FIL's

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