Should I say no? How do I say no?

jlazgrl · October 2013

So a couple of my friends from a few years back (we still touch base from time to time, but I don't see them very often) heard about my wedding from a post on FB. The post wasn't from me. My grandma posted photos of the bridal shower and tagged me in them. Now they are asking (or begging) to come. What should I do in this situation? Should I let them come because they want to so bad and I have room (even though I know B listing is bad form)? Or possibly hurt their feelings even more by saying no? If I should say no, what would be the least hurtful way of telling them?

doeydo · October 2013

"Sorry, but we are trying to keep our numbers down." or something and then change the subject. Try to keep this stuff off facebook for the future.

Dreamergirl8812 · October 2013

jlazgrl said:

So a couple of my friends from a few years back (we still touch base from time to time, but I don't see them very often) heard about my wedding from a post on FB. The post wasn't from me. My grandma posted photos of the bridal shower and tagged me in them. Now they are asking (or begging) to come. What should I do in this situation? Should I let them come because they want to so bad and I have room (even though I know B listing is bad form)? Or possibly hurt their feelings even more by saying no? If I should say no, what would be the least hurtful way of telling them?

"I'm sorry, we are unable to invite everyone we would like to. But good luck on _____ (reference something you saw on facebook)."

ETA: It's basically the internet version of bean dipping.

PrettyGirlLost · October 2013

doeydo said:

"Sorry, but we are trying to keep our numbers down." or something and then change the subject. Try to keep this stuff off facebook for the future.

Her grandmother posted the photos. . . it's difficult to control what other ppl post online.

Dreamergirl8812 · October 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:

doeydo said:

"Sorry, but we are trying to keep our numbers down." or something and then change the subject. Try to keep this stuff off facebook for the future.

Her grandmother posted the photos. . . it's difficult to control what other ppl post online.

You can change your privacy setting so that no one can tag you without your approval. Definitely won't eliminate the problem, but it may help a little.

Sembree1 · October 2013

I would tell them you are trying to keep numbers down. There is no reason you shouldn't be able to post or be tagged in photos on facebook. They have to know they weren't originally invited, I'm surprised they would even bring it up like that.

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

Ditto PPs; I'd just say something like, "We're unable to add extra guests this close to the event, I'm sure you understand. I saw your photos of ________ on FB, how fun!"

mommapizano · October 2013

I would just express to them that you are unable to accommodate additional guests. If they don't get that, that's their problem. People have to understand you can't invite every person you have ever known.

Jen4948 · October 2013

mrspizanotobe said:

I would just express to them that you are unable to accommodate additional guests. If they don't get that, that's their problem. People have to understand you can't invite every person you have ever known.

This. Also ask Grandma to either take down the photos or detag you so that people who shouldn't see the photos on Facebook won't.

phira · October 2013

I agree with previous posters. I also want to point out that begging someone to let you attend their wedding is pretty rude, even if it's coming from a good place. They're the ones putting everyone in an awkward situation; if their feelings are hurt when you very politely reply that you aren't able to accommodate more guests, then that's their problem.

SewInLoveWithDMB · October 2013

I agree it's rude. I agree they shouldn't ask - but will it affect your relationship going forward?

Obviously they know they were "B-listed" (cause they are the ones that asked to come) but if you have the room and like them....I dunno. Do you care if you tell them no...and then what (obviously small) relationship you have with them is squashed?

It's awkward - it's rude - but there are so many worse things in life (especially since you say you have the room in budget & venue.) I'd say do what you want. There are so many rules broken in this situation anyway, inviting them isn't the "worst" option. Just think about it and do what you feel is best.

MandyMost · October 2013

Personally, I wouldn't use phrases like "keeping the numbers now" or "can't accommodate additional guests" or "unable to extend an invitation". To me, that all sounds like it's about logistics, which can always be worked around if you REALLY wanted to. I'd tell them that you and your fiance are trying to keep it as small and intimate as possible, with only your closest friends and family, but you'd love to catch up with them before/after the wedding some time in the future.

Unless you're inviting like 300 guests. Then I think you should just go ahead and invite them.

Jen4948 · October 2013

MandyMost said:

Personally, I wouldn't use phrases like "keeping the numbers now" or "can't accommodate additional guests" or "unable to extend an invitation". To me, that all sounds like it's about logistics, which can always be worked around if you REALLY wanted to. I'd tell them that you and your fiance are trying to keep it as small and intimate as possible, with only your closest friends and family, but you'd love to catch up with them before/after the wedding some time in the future.

Unless you're inviting like 300 guests. Then I think you should just go ahead and invite them.

Even with 300 guests additional uninvited guests cannot always and should not always be accommodated.

And "small and intimate" tends not to work for these people either-they need to have it bluntly explained to them, "No. You are invited but do not bring these additional people." It often is about logistics. If the couple wanted to accommodate these people, they would have been invited in the first place. The invited guests need to honor their invitations on the terms they were issued, not choose the guest list for themselves. That's rude and inconsiderate of the hosts.

phira · October 2013

@MandyMost Honestly, even if there are 300 guests, I assume there are reasons that these folks were not invited, and it wasn't just an oversight (because then the OP wouldn't be asking how to handle the situation). For whatever reason, these folks were not invited, and if the OP wants to decline without saying something like, "I just don't like you all that much," citing logistics/budget is a very polite way of handling the situation.

erinlin25 · October 2013

that's a tough one. On one side I'm like the more the merrier if they can be accommodated and you actually want them there, but at the same time I feel like if these are people you do not see on a regular basis and were not even considered on your guest list then why would you invite them to your wedding? It would be different if you lost touch but then came back to being good friends and were in each others lives regularly. since they heard from a second party about the wedding it seems weird they would seriously ask to be invited.

Should I say no? How do I say no?

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