African American Weddings

Parents not attending...

Anybody else have parents who are living and not attending their wedding?  This was not totally unexpected but I received my parents RSVP decline on Thursday.  Long story really short, my parents are jerks and religious fanatics so they won't be attending my wedding.  Even though I'm not suprised by this I still feel some kinda way about...
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Re: Parents not attending...

  • wow ...love i am sorry about that i would feel some kind of way as well

    Daisypath - (PNE7)
  • marsm4 so sorry this is happening... What does your future hubby think about this? and not being nosy (but yes being nosey) Y wouldnt they want to share in this joyouse experience with you?

    Lilypie - H1jI


    Daisypath - MFL5



  •  

    misstira said:
    marsm4 so sorry this is happening... What does your future hubby think about this? and not being nosy (but yes being nosey) Y wouldnt they want to share in this joyouse experience with you?
    My wonderful FI feels bad about it and wishes there was something he could do.  He told me he thought about not letting me see the RSVP from them. They refuse to share this joyous experience because i'm not in the religion (cult) anymore and he isn't either, therefore they don't accept it.  I'm not naming the religion because I believe in freedom of religion and I don't want to offend anyone who might me in that religion also.  But they are fanatics to the point that they didn't even attend the funeral for my oldest sister when she died, stating religious reasons...
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  • oh wow so sorry to hear this.... *hugs* 

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  • marsm4 WOW i again am saddened to hear this and i can only pray that they will come around and still join you in YOUR special day! But if not all you really need is your hubby and a witness and the preacher man!!!! sending virtual hugs and kisses

    Lilypie - H1jI


    Daisypath - MFL5



  • edited September 2013
    moni honey I'm sorry.  I know this must be painful.  believe it or not my experience is/was similar, except that my parents aren't religious fanatical jerks, they're just garden variety sociopathic jerks and weren't invited.  The fact that you'd even taken the step to invite them knowing in all likelihood that your feelings could be hurt is the definition of grace.   It's hard not to think about and internalize but remember that   fhat set of parents produced this set of daughters.  They did at least 2 things right. 

    TD Jakes was hosting one of Oprah's lifeclass shows, that repeated this weekend.  The show was about family reconciliation.  Naturally I started boo hooing as soon as he opened his mouth because his basic premise was this:  for anyone who is or has gone through a family rift and is good and grown, it has to occurred to you that you're dealing with a finite window of time which is not promised. So he was encouraging everybody to drop the nonsense and fix it.  Then a young lady stood up and asked him about her circumstance, mother doesn't want a relationship, won't acknowledge anything she has ever done to the daughter, makes her uncomfortable to talk about it.  She said Bishop how do I get past what she won't acknowledge.    He said don't ignore what I just said but do keep in mind that if maintaining the relationship is causing you harm - I don't mean difficult like it's annoying and hard - I mean if this is toxic to your spirit, know that it's okay to sacrifice it for your own well being.  Know when to save yourself.  (by the time he was done talking to her I was celie-cryin).

    Girl allow yourself this moment of grief, it's perfectly okay.  Know that you carry them with you whether they're physically present or not (and even if they don't show it, know that they carry you with them) and finally please understand that your parents chose the decisions they've made, they did moni.  You are not responsible for what they've decided to do.   One more Oprahism? (this may be Iyanla, i'm not sure lol) give yourself permission to feel every bit of what you're feeling, you can't go around pain, beside it or slide up under it, you gotta go through it, says she.   dammit I hate when hokey stuff sounds about right. 

    If it's in your heart.  IF (this is soooo not required) write them back a note and tell them you may not be (insert religion) but you'll always be their daughter and you wish they would come and greet  their future son in law, he's a great guy.   ooh girl you are carrying it around this week.  {{tacklehug}}
  • Thank you ladies for the HUGS they are received and appreciated.

    sultryzulu Thank you for those wise words.  I definitely let myself feel it this weekend when I cried in Mark's arms.

    I sent them an invite because I didn't want to give them the out of being able to say they weren't invited when they are asked why they were not at the wedding.  I wanted them to make the decision. It's not in my heart to write them. It's basically been a wrap for me when they decided not to help with or attend my sister's funeral. 

    I've been blessed with a wonderful self-appointed Godmother.  She will be the mother of the bride on my wedding day and is showing all of the enthusiam that a mother would for her daughter getting married.  She's even paying toward the rehearsal dinner! It was heavy on her hear to write my parents so she did.  They responded to her with religious materials...

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  • moni honey I'm sorry.  I know this must be painful.  believe it or not my experience is/was similar, except that my parents aren't religious fanatical jerks, they're just garden variety sociopathic jerks and weren't invited.  The fact that you'd even taken the step to invite them knowing in all likelihood that your feelings could be hurt is the definition of grace.   It's hard not to think about and internalize but remember that   fhat set of parents produced this set of daughters.  They did at least 2 things right. 

    TD Jakes was hosting one of Oprah's lifeclass shows, that repeated this weekend.  The show was about family reconciliation.  Naturally I started boo hooing as soon as he opened his mouth because his basic premise was this:  for anyone who is or has gone through a family rift and is good and grown, it has to occurred to you that you're dealing with a finite window of time which is not promised. So he was encouraging everybody to drop the nonsense and fix it.  Then a young lady stood up and asked him about her circumstance, mother doesn't want a relationship, won't acknowledge anything she has ever done to the daughter, makes her uncomfortable to talk about it.  She said Bishop how do I get past what she won't acknowledge.    He said don't ignore what I just said but do keep in mind that if maintaining the relationship is causing you harm - I don't mean difficult like it's annoying and hard - I mean if this is toxic to your spirit, know that it's okay to sacrifice it for your own well being.  Know when to save yourself.  (by the time he was done talking to her I was celie-cryin).

    Girl allow yourself this moment of grief, it's perfectly okay.  Know that you carry them with you whether they're physically present or not (and even if they don't show it, know that they carry you with them) and finally please understand that your parents chose the decisions they've made, they did moni.  You are not responsible for what they've decided to do.   One more Oprahism? (this may be Iyanla, i'm not sure lol) give yourself permission to feel every bit of what you're feeling, you can't go around pain, beside it or slide up under it, you gotta go through it, says she.   dammit I hate when hokey stuff sounds about right. 

    If it's in your heart.  IF (this is soooo not required) write them back a note and tell them you may not be (insert religion) but you'll always be their daughter and you wish they would come and greet  their future son in law, he's a great guy.   ooh girl you are carrying it around this week.  {{tacklehug}}
    ALL THIS!!!! LORD THIS SULTRY KNOWS HOW TO USE HER WORDS!!!!!.... 

    Lilypie - H1jI


    Daisypath - MFL5



  • marsm4 Im definitely keeping you in my prayers.... religious or not my sister you are such a strong and beautiful spirit and i hope and pray it all works out for you and your future hubby!

    Lilypie - H1jI


    Daisypath - MFL5



  • Aww! I didn't get a chance to read sultry's novel, but i'm glad it wasn't completely unexpected, and it's more of a letdown than a complete shock. I'll come back later. sorry honey!
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  • @ moni - awwww, good, I'm glad you got it out.  even happier at Godmommy.  love!

    @ tira - {{nicca nod}} thankya luvs

    @ tash - shaddup.  i'm giving up words for lent.  lol!
  • thedivavthedivav member
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    edited October 2013
    aww *sniffs* you gonna make me cry @sultryzulu
    i am Amening all that she said lol
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  • You all are preaching in here today ! Lots of lessons for us all.

    Great advice all around. I wish you peace and happiness on your wedding day.  I am sorry that you have to face this.

     

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  • Family is so important to me, and hurts when their not supportive. I'm so sorry about ur parents. I know its gotta be painful, but I'm glad to read that u have loving, supportive people in ur life. Blessing to u.
  • Hey marsm4!!! Let me first start off by saying I am so sorry to hear this. It really upsets me because I have been battling with this also for a few weeks now. So trust and believe I know EXACTLY how you feel. My mom isnt religious, she just a miserable woman. My feelings are beyond hurt and im sure yours are to. Stay strong hun and remember that you and you husband are there for one reason...to become a union. And please pleas please never feel like you did something wrong or that you are the reason for their silliness. And I say this because I found myself blaming myself. My fiance had to set me straight. He has been so positive and has been helping me get through it all. Even my future in laws has been so supportive. Hun just stay strong and focus on whats really important, and thats you and your hubby's special day. If they are going to act like that, they don't deserve to share that moment with you two. I had to keep telling myself that. I pray that your heart will heal with time. Its a blessing to have a wonderful fiance/ husband to be by your side.
    Mrs. Mosley 2 be
  • Thank you so much ladies for the support. It's very much appreciated. @raven&mark, that's exactly what I've been battling. When the two people who are supposed to love and support you without a doubt it makes you wonder what's wrong with you? I've asked that question even though I know deep down it's not me. I'm so thankful for Mark and his family who have embraced me with love. Just the other day his aunt texted me that she just wanted to tell me she loved me. Again, thank you all :-)
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