Wedding Etiquette Forum

My Fiance's Cousin is Expecting Me to Make Travel Arrangements for Her?

Its literally SEVEN days before my wedding and my fiance's cousin e-mails me telling me that she doesn't have transportation for her mom, herself and her daughter (who is the flower girl) from their hotel to the Air Force Base my fiance and I are being married on. I gave her the name of two car services in the area that service the base and left it at that. I was blunt in how my fiance puts "a military way" but I wasn't rude. Apparently she's expecting me to make the arrangements for her! This is a woman who has a bachelor's degree in hotel/restaurant management and has actually worked as a wedding planner for a MAJOR hotel! She got nasty with me when I told her that she was on her own when it came to finding transportation.

As the bride, I don't think its my job to make arrangements for people this late in the game. My fiance is from rural Kentucky and all of his redneck friends have had no issue with travel arrangements. My fiance's cousin on the other hand had to have ME find her a hotel! She's given me this belly ache story about how she was "just diagnosed with MS" and that things are really hard for her. According to my fiance's mom, she's FAR from a severe case. She stays home and makes babies while her husband makes 6 figures. I have Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, PTSD, OCD, Asperger's Syndrome, Fibromyalgia and Endometriosis (which is causing me severe pain right now); I work as a school bus driver, am a volunteer firefighter, volunteer on base QUITE a bit, am preparing to get my EMT certification and studying for my nursing school entrance exam. Work has also been a MAJOR zoo for me lately. So, therefore I don't understand how hard it is to pick up a phone and call a car service.

My mom thought that it was really rude that she felt that it was my job to make her arrangements. My mom flat out said that if she can't make local travel arrangements then she can't come because its not my problem.

Re: My Fiance's Cousin is Expecting Me to Make Travel Arrangements for Her?

  • I think she should be able to find her way to the wedding.  Call a cab, go with one of the companies you recommended, etc.
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  • When my ex's brother got married in Pennsylvania while we were living in Alabama, I would have NEVER thought to ask his fiance to make our travel arrangements! Particularly at the last minute!
  • I agree with your mom. That just means no flower girl if his cousin doesn't get her shit together.
  • I think she's being rather ridiculous. If she contacts you about it again, have your FI handle it. It's his family, his headache to deal with.
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  • I think you did more than enough by making the hotel accommodations and suggesting car services. Now it's time for you to relax and have your FI deal with his cousin if she calls again! 
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  • Its literally SEVEN days before my wedding and my fiance's cousin e-mails me telling me that she doesn't have transportation for her mom, herself and her daughter (who is the flower girl) from their hotel to the Air Force Base my fiance and I are being married on. I gave her the name of two car services in the area that service the base and left it at that. I was blunt in how my fiance puts "a military way" but I wasn't rude. Apparently she's expecting me to make the arrangements for her! This is a woman who has a bachelor's degree in hotel/restaurant management and has actually worked as a wedding planner for a MAJOR hotel! She got nasty with me when I told her that she was on her own when it came to finding transportation.

    As the bride, I don't think its my job to make arrangements for people this late in the game. My fiance is from rural Kentucky and all of his redneck friends have had no issue with travel arrangements. My fiance's cousin on the other hand had to have ME find her a hotel! She's given me this belly ache story about how she was "just diagnosed with MS" and that things are really hard for her. According to my fiance's mom, she's FAR from a severe case. She stays home and makes babies while her husband makes 6 figures. I have Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, PTSD, OCD, Asperger's Syndrome, Fibromyalgia and Endometriosis (which is causing me severe pain right now); I work as a school bus driver, am a volunteer firefighter, volunteer on base QUITE a bit, am preparing to get my EMT certification and studying for my nursing school entrance exam. Work has also been a MAJOR zoo for me lately. So, therefore I don't understand how hard it is to pick up a phone and call a car service.

    My mom thought that it was really rude that she felt that it was my job to make her arrangements. My mom flat out said that if she can't make local travel arrangements then she can't come because its not my problem.

    Most of the information you relate in this post really has nothing to do with the issue at hand, but the bolded ^^ in particular makes it sound like you have a chip on your shoulder when it comes to FI's cousin.

     When having OOT guests at a wedding, it is not uncommon for the B&G to offer information regarding local amenities such as hotels and/or transportation services on a wedding website or as an additional insert in invitations.  It simply makes sense to supply this information because of local familiarity.  However, that hospitality usually ends there; it is the responsibility of the guests to pursue arrangements from there.  

    Having said that, you may have inadvertently "opened" the door by finding a hotel for her. She may be expecting you to arrange the remainder of her travel needs.  It sounds as if someone needs to contact her, at the very least, to say they cannot arrange transportation for her. Although I would be more than irritated, if I had the information available, I would at least try to send her a few links to local transportation services.  It would be up to her to take it from there and arrange the actual service.  

  • Its literally SEVEN days before my wedding and my fiance's cousin e-mails me telling me that she doesn't have transportation for her mom, herself and her daughter (who is the flower girl) from their hotel to the Air Force Base my fiance and I are being married on. I gave her the name of two car services in the area that service the base and left it at that. I was blunt in how my fiance puts "a military way" but I wasn't rude. Apparently she's expecting me to make the arrangements for her! This is a woman who has a bachelor's degree in hotel/restaurant management and has actually worked as a wedding planner for a MAJOR hotel! She got nasty with me when I told her that she was on her own when it came to finding transportation.

    As the bride, I don't think its my job to make arrangements for people this late in the game. My fiance is from rural Kentucky and all of his redneck friends have had no issue with travel arrangements. My fiance's cousin on the other hand had to have ME find her a hotel! She's given me this belly ache story about how she was "just diagnosed with MS" and that things are really hard for her. According to my fiance's mom, she's FAR from a severe case. She stays home and makes babies while her husband makes 6 figures. I have Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, PTSD, OCD, Asperger's Syndrome, Fibromyalgia and Endometriosis (which is causing me severe pain right now); I work as a school bus driver, am a volunteer firefighter, volunteer on base QUITE a bit, am preparing to get my EMT certification and studying for my nursing school entrance exam. Work has also been a MAJOR zoo for me lately. So, therefore I don't understand how hard it is to pick up a phone and call a car service.

    My mom thought that it was really rude that she felt that it was my job to make her arrangements. My mom flat out said that if she can't make local travel arrangements then she can't come because its not my problem.
    Alright - deep breath. It sounds like you have a ton on your plate right now. A wedding guest with this attitude would be irritating even under normal circumstances, and I understand that with all you're juggling right now, and the fact that the wedding is so soon, it can feel like it's putting you over the edge. 

    Your FI's cousin just received a devastating diagnosis. Your fiancé's mother is not a doctor, I presume, and it's really not her place to decide what a "severe case" is. MS is a disease that can progress unpredictably ,and I'm sure she's terrified right now.  Maybe your fiancé's mother, in lieu of playing the armchair physician, could pick up the phone and make a shuttle arrangement for her. This is your FI's cousin, and his side of the family should be dealing with her, not you. From an etiquette standpoint, you've done what you should by giving her the travel info, and you should not engage her any more at this point. 

    I know you probably feel like you're going nuts right now. Take a step back, let your FI and his mother deal with their family, and try to have a little compassion. Parts of your post come of pretty judge-y. 

    Edited for clarity. 
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  • I have to say I completely agree with Bunni.

    I understand that you have a lot on your plate right now and can't make arrangements for every one but I think you are acting kind of bratty. You sad she has MS and stays home to take care of her kids. Those things may not seem like a big deal to you but you have no idea how she is feeling physically/emotionally. Guess what? She is your family now. So if she calls and says "hey, can you help me out and call this company to come get us" then you shouldn't throw a fit about it. Tell your FI to handle it. There is no reason to go rant and rave about it.

    Also, making the statement "FI's redneck friends didn't have an issue" was rude on YOUR part. Or I guess you think they are the dumbest people to walk the Earth so surely someone you don't consider a redneck could figure out transportation.
  • scribe95 said:
    It certainly isn't your job to make her arrangements but all your guests should have been given hotel and transportation information without having to ask. Also, she is bringing your flower girl so I definitely would have checked in to see if they had everything they needed. Your attitude towards her is pretty appalling frankly. 
    Disagree, it's nice to make a hotel block, but it's not necessary. Transportation is also not the bride and grooms responsibility. Other than a shuttle from the hotel to the reception, I have never had the bride and groom provide transportation.  Also, the bride is not psychic; it's nice to give some info if someone asks, which the OP did.
    I do agree that the OP's attitude is not the best.
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  • Its literally SEVEN days before my wedding and my fiance's cousin e-mails me telling me that she doesn't have transportation for her mom, herself and her daughter (who is the flower girl) from their hotel to the Air Force Base my fiance and I are being married on. I gave her the name of two car services in the area that service the base and left it at that. I was blunt in how my fiance puts "a military way" but I wasn't rude. Apparently she's expecting me to make the arrangements for her! This is a woman who has a bachelor's degree in hotel/restaurant management and has actually worked as a wedding planner for a MAJOR hotel! She got nasty with me when I told her that she was on her own when it came to finding transportation.

    As the bride, I don't think its my job to make arrangements for people this late in the game. My fiance is from rural Kentucky and all of his redneck friends have had no issue with travel arrangements. My fiance's cousin on the other hand had to have ME find her a hotel! She's given me this belly ache story about how she was "just diagnosed with MS" and that things are really hard for her. According to my fiance's mom, she's FAR from a severe case. She stays home and makes babies while her husband makes 6 figures. I have Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, PTSD, OCD, Asperger's Syndrome, Fibromyalgia and Endometriosis (which is causing me severe pain right now); I work as a school bus driver, am a volunteer firefighter, volunteer on base QUITE a bit, am preparing to get my EMT certification and studying for my nursing school entrance exam. Work has also been a MAJOR zoo for me lately. So, therefore I don't understand how hard it is to pick up a phone and call a car service.

    My mom thought that it was really rude that she felt that it was my job to make her arrangements. My mom flat out said that if she can't make local travel arrangements then she can't come because its not my problem.

    FTFY.

    And her transportation is not your problem.



    Anniversary
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  • laurynm84 said:
    scribe95 said:
    It certainly isn't your job to make her arrangements but all your guests should have been given hotel and transportation information without having to ask. Also, she is bringing your flower girl so I definitely would have checked in to see if they had everything they needed. Your attitude towards her is pretty appalling frankly. 
    Disagree, it's nice to make a hotel block, but it's not necessary. Transportation is also not the bride and grooms responsibility. Other than a shuttle from the hotel to the reception, I have never had the bride and groom provide transportation.  Also, the bride is not psychic; it's nice to give some info if someone asks, which the OP did.
    I do agree that the OP's attitude is not the best.

    The B&G do not have to actually arrange transportation and hotel stays, but info on nearby hotels and car rental options should be given to those coming from OOT. It's not that difficult to post that info on your website or include a small insert.

    "Directions & Accommodations

    directions to wedding site(s)

    Nearby Hotels include: Marriot, Sheraton, Lucy's B&B.

    (option) Hotel blocks have been made at the Marriot

    Please check www.orbitz.com or www.enterprise.com for transportation"

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • The couple is not obligated to make anyone's travel arrangements but their own.  It's rude for guests to expect it.  It's nice of hosts to provide travel information, but they are not required by etiquette to do so-travel and lodging are the responsibility of guests who accept out-of-town invitations, which they are not required to do.

    Your FI needs to convey this to his cousin.
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2013
    acove2006 said:
    laurynm84 said:
    scribe95 said:
    It certainly isn't your job to make her arrangements but all your guests should have been given hotel and transportation information without having to ask. Also, she is bringing your flower girl so I definitely would have checked in to see if they had everything they needed. Your attitude towards her is pretty appalling frankly. 
    Disagree, it's nice to make a hotel block, but it's not necessary. Transportation is also not the bride and grooms responsibility. Other than a shuttle from the hotel to the reception, I have never had the bride and groom provide transportation.  Also, the bride is not psychic; it's nice to give some info if someone asks, which the OP did.
    I do agree that the OP's attitude is not the best.

    The B&G do not have to actually arrange transportation and hotel stays, but info on nearby hotels and car rental options should be given to those coming from OOT. It's not that difficult to post that info on your website or include a small insert.

    "Directions & Accommodations

    directions to wedding site(s)

    Nearby Hotels include: Marriot, Sheraton, Lucy's B&B.

    (option) Hotel blocks have been made at the Marriot

    Please check www.orbitz.com or www.enterprise.com for transportation"

    Most people know these companies exist for car rentals; it's not necessary to include this information.   The hotel block is nice so you don't have people staying in random hotels and everyone is together. Presumably, most people have planned their own vacations before and know how to book a flight and rent a car.  And the OP did give the cousin the car service information; should she book her flight too?

    ETA: Rereading the OP, it seems like the cousin may want the bride and groom to pay for her transportation, which is definitely not her job.
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  • ETA: Rereading the OP, it seems like the cousin may want the bride and groom to pay for her transportation, which is definitely not her job.
    This is where I am. Not only do I think the cousin wants bride to arrange the transportation, but pay for it as well.  I think she's using her illness and the fact that her daughter is in the wedding party as leverage to get the bride to do this stuff for her.  If the cousin is capable of making a phone call to make a doctor's appointment for her MS, then she's capable of calling the car service and making that arrangement. If not, then she apparently has a husband and mother who could handle it. If she is too ill to make a phone call, then it stands to reason that she'd probably be too ill to travel to the wedding. I'd have FI call her bluff on this.
  • laurynm84 said:
    acove2006 said:
    laurynm84 said:
    scribe95 said:
    It certainly isn't your job to make her arrangements but all your guests should have been given hotel and transportation information without having to ask. Also, she is bringing your flower girl so I definitely would have checked in to see if they had everything they needed. Your attitude towards her is pretty appalling frankly. 
    Disagree, it's nice to make a hotel block, but it's not necessary. Transportation is also not the bride and grooms responsibility. Other than a shuttle from the hotel to the reception, I have never had the bride and groom provide transportation.  Also, the bride is not psychic; it's nice to give some info if someone asks, which the OP did.
    I do agree that the OP's attitude is not the best.

    The B&G do not have to actually arrange transportation and hotel stays, but info on nearby hotels and car rental options should be given to those coming from OOT. It's not that difficult to post that info on your website or include a small insert.

    "Directions & Accommodations

    directions to wedding site(s)

    Nearby Hotels include: Marriot, Sheraton, Lucy's B&B.

    (option) Hotel blocks have been made at the Marriot

    Please check www.orbitz.com or www.enterprise.com for transportation"

    Most people know these companies exist for car rentals; it's not necessary to include this information.   The hotel block is nice so you don't have people staying in random hotels and everyone is together. Presumably, most people have planned their own vacations before and know how to book a flight and rent a car.  And the OP did give the cousin the car service information; should she book her flight too?

    ETA: Rereading the OP, it seems like the cousin may want the bride and groom to pay for her transportation, which is definitely not her job.

    I just listed those because it was quick and easy as an example. The couple is NOT required to book or plan anything but if there are OOT guests, especially if there are those not familiar with the area, I think it's right to at least point them in the right direction for hotels and travel, etc. At least give them names or websites and they can go from there. It's not a hard thing to do and it's nice IMO.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • scribe95 said:
    I didn't see anything about the bride paying for the transportation. And again I didn't say the bride and groom should arrange it. But every wedding I've ever been to out of town included basic info on available hotels, taxis or rental cars.
    That's a courtesy, not a requirement.
  • Its literally SEVEN days before my wedding and my fiance's cousin e-mails me telling me that she doesn't have transportation for her mom, herself and her daughter (who is the flower girl) from their hotel to the Air Force Base my fiance and I are being married on. I gave her the name of two car services in the area that service the base and left it at that. I was blunt in how my fiance puts "a military way" but I wasn't rude. Apparently she's expecting me to make the arrangements for her! This is a woman who has a bachelor's degree in hotel/restaurant management and has actually worked as a wedding planner for a MAJOR hotel! She got nasty with me when I told her that she was on her own when it came to finding transportation.

    As the bride, I don't think its my job to make arrangements for people this late in the game. My fiance is from rural Kentucky and all of his redneck friends have had no issue with travel arrangements. My fiance's cousin on the other hand had to have ME find her a hotel! She's given me this belly ache story about how she was "just diagnosed with MS" and that things are really hard for her. According to my fiance's mom, she's FAR from a severe case. She stays home and makes babies while her husband makes 6 figures. I have Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, PTSD, OCD, Asperger's Syndrome, Fibromyalgia and Endometriosis (which is causing me severe pain right now); I work as a school bus driver, am a volunteer firefighter, volunteer on base QUITE a bit, am preparing to get my EMT certification and studying for my nursing school entrance exam. Work has also been a MAJOR zoo for me lately. So, therefore I don't understand how hard it is to pick up a phone and call a car service.

    My mom thought that it was really rude that she felt that it was my job to make her arrangements. My mom flat out said that if she can't make local travel arrangements then she can't come because its not my problem.

    FTFY.

    And her transportation is not your problem.
    Exactly this. OP, it's clear you know that transportation is her ordeal to figure out. It sounds like you are judging her circumstances really hard and you're not being respectful. All you need to do here is email her the names/numbers of cab services (CC your fiance) and let her figure it out. 

    You don't need to belittle her diagnosis, comment on her role in her marriage or her husband's salary, call your fiance's friends rednecks, or cite your mental health issues and current undertakings as reasons that you shouldn't be assisting with this. From an etiquette perspective, you don't need to, but all that other noise has nothing to do with it. It would be wise for you to take off your judgy pants and stop talking poorly about other people. It makes you look bad even when you're in the right in this situation.
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  • You did a great job giving her the two car service phone numbers.  I'd forward any calls or requests she has going forward to your fiancé.  For some reason, everyone contacts the bride when they need something (at least I found this to be the case when I got married, even the day of!), but your fiancé's family should contact him.  Good luck with everything!
  • Jen4948 said:
    scribe95 said:
    I didn't see anything about the bride paying for the transportation. And again I didn't say the bride and groom should arrange it. But every wedding I've ever been to out of town included basic info on available hotels, taxis or rental cars.
    That's a courtesy, not a requirement.

    True, not a requirement, but including the information sure would have cut down on any frustration with guests contacting the B&G who want info on transportation. I can understand the guest having questions, especially when a military base is involved. 'Rural Kentucky Cab Co.' might be able to take you to the front gate, but not be allowed to gain access to the base and actually drop you off at the venue. While it is wrong for the cousin to assume that transportation would be taken care of on their behalf, some people just need a little more direction than 'show up at Ft. Knox (example, I don't really know if this is the base) at 12 PM', and that could have been provided if not in an invitation inser, then on a wedding website. Why not provide it beforehand and direct people to those outlets for the info? (especially for a VIP since the flower girl is included with this group)

    And yes, OP, I second the suggestion that your FI should be dealing with this.

  • Jen4948 said:
    scribe95 said:
    I didn't see anything about the bride paying for the transportation. And again I didn't say the bride and groom should arrange it. But every wedding I've ever been to out of town included basic info on available hotels, taxis or rental cars.
    That's a courtesy, not a requirement.

    True, not a requirement, but including the information sure would have cut down on any frustration with guests contacting the B&G who want info on transportation. I can understand the guest having questions, especially when a military base is involved. 'Rural Kentucky Cab Co.' might be able to take you to the front gate, but not be allowed to gain access to the base and actually drop you off at the venue. While it is wrong for the cousin to assume that transportation would be taken care of on their behalf, some people just need a little more direction than 'show up at Ft. Knox (example, I don't really know if this is the base) at 12 PM', and that could have been provided if not in an invitation inser, then on a wedding website. Why not provide it beforehand and direct people to those outlets for the info? (especially for a VIP since the flower girl is included with this group)

    And yes, OP, I second the suggestion that your FI should be dealing with this.

    When a venue is at an out-of-the-way or otherwise hard to access location, I agree with you that it is courteous of the couple to provide information on transportation, but that doesn't obligate the couple to do more than at least tell their guests where it is.  Unfortunately, etiquette doesn't obligate certain matters of courtesy, and transportation options are among them.

    And even when the information is provided, it doesn't guarantee that guests won't burden the couple with demands for transportation.
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