Friends getting married same day...

RedJacks25 · October 2013

So, let's say your wedding date is set for 14 months from now. Obviously you haven't sent invites or even STDs yet because it's too early. Then you discover that a friend of yours has chosen your same wedding date as you and has actually already sent out STDs. You'd be pissed, right?

I mean, I know they wouldn't have chosen that date if they knew that was the date we'd picked, but I didn't want to jump off the etiquette train by sending out stuff too early. But they have.

I know no one owns a date, it just sucks because we have a lot of the same friend circles. I feel like etiquette has shot me in the foot on this one because we've had that date secured for months. Ugh.

I guess this was more of a rant than anything.

Xstatic3333 · October 2013

I know you must be frustrated, but you did the right thing. Unless this is a DW someplace very expensive, it's quite early for STDs (and I like them on the early side!) I can't tell from the OP who you're mad at, but I hope it's the situation, not your friend. Punch a pillow, feel your frustrations, and then try to move forward.

If there's enough overlap, I'd start calling any vendors you've had booked and try to change your date. I'm sure they'd be understanding given the circumstance. I'm guessing you just have venue and maybe photography booked at this point? They'd probably let you switch to other open dates with no penalty so far out. Good luck.

crunchymamaof2 · October 2013

Even without sending STDs yet, I'm surprised family and close friends weren't told of the date. Of course this friend may not be a very close one which would explain that.

I agree with @xstatic3333 about possibly changing dates. Even a week earlier or later could alleviate some of the overlap. Regardless I would be very upset at the situation but not at the friend since she had no way of knowing. Doesn't make the situation any better though :-(

doeydo · October 2013

Is it possible for you to change your date? It would really suck to have the same date as a friend, you'd feel like you were competing and guests have to choose which one to go to.

mlg78 · October 2013

You didn't need to be so hush-hush about the date. As soon as I knew my date I started letting people know as I had conversations with them. Yes, this must suck but look into bumping it a week up or behind.

OliveOilsMom · October 2013

I'm with mlg, were you trying to keep your date a secret? Even before we booked, I was letting friends know we were trying for a Friday in March. I know this sucks, but the only thing you can possibly do now is change your date. If you don't want to change your date, then keep on with your planning. Send your STDs at the appropriate time. Maybe some of your friends cannot attend because they committed to the other wedding already. But at the end of the day, you will still be married to your best friend.

MobKaz · October 2013

OliveOilsMom said:

I'm with mlg, were you trying to keep your date a secret? Even before we booked, I was letting friends know we were trying for a Friday in March. I know this sucks, but the only thing you can possibly do now is change your date. If you don't want to change your date, then keep on with your planning. Send your STDs at the appropriate time. Maybe some of your friends cannot attend because they committed to the other wedding already. But at the end of the day, you will still be married to your best friend.

Sleepy Sunday mornings may not be the best time for me to respond to posts. Am I missing something here? I have never regarded a STD as a commitment in any way. A STD to me is nothing more than a notification. Returning the RSVP is the only time I feel I have made a commitment to an event. Do people perceive receiving STD's as equal to committing to attending the wedding? STD's do not ask for or require responses.

OliveOilsMom · October 2013

mobkaz said:

OliveOilsMom said:

I'm with mlg, were you trying to keep your date a secret? Even before we booked, I was letting friends know we were trying for a Friday in March. I know this sucks, but the only thing you can possibly do now is change your date. If you don't want to change your date, then keep on with your planning. Send your STDs at the appropriate time. Maybe some of your friends cannot attend because they committed to the other wedding already. But at the end of the day, you will still be married to your best friend.

Sleepy Sunday mornings may not be the best time for me to respond to posts. Am I missing something here? I have never regarded a STD as a commitment in any way. A STD to me is nothing more than a notification. Returning the RSVP is the only time I feel I have made a commitment to an event. Do people perceive receiving STD's as equal to committing to attending the wedding? STD's do not ask for or require responses.

No you are correct. But sometimes a person who receives the STD may commit themselves to that event first just for fairness. If they are equally friends with both brides, they may go to the other bride's wedding because they got that STD first. It's one of the reasons we tell brides who know that a wedding is the same day as theirs that they get their own STDs out ASAP. Or when a sibling or cousin is getting married a few weeks before or after, we also say they should get STDs out ASAP.

allispain · October 2013

Situations like this suck, and you have every right to be frustrated at the situation (though not at your friend, since you hadn't told her what your wedding date would be).

I agree with PPs that there really was no reason to keep the date of your wedding hush hush. Yes, you don't want to send STDs and invitations earlier than etiquette allows, but that doesn't mean that you can't tell people personally (when you see them, if you're talking on the phone with them, etc.) what date you have picked. I made sure to tell everyone who I really really wanted at my wedding as soon as we set a date, even though STD wouldn't be going out for another 4 months, since some of my friends have challenging work schedules and the sooner they could ask for leave, the better.

OP, I'm not saying any of this to be mean or to tell you that you did something wrong, this is more for the lurkers, so that others don't end up in a similar situation.

As far as what you're trying to handle now, PPs are right in that it may be possible for you to still switch dates so far out. However, you may not want to for personal or logistical reasons, or it may not be possible at all due to your vendors and what they already have booked. If it ends up that you and your friend have the same wedding day, then yes, it will suck that some of your friends have to choose between the two. However, you will still get to marry your FI, you will still have family and friends to celebrate with, and at the end of the day you will still be just as married as you would have been if the other wedding were not taking place the same day.

APDSS22 · October 2013

This kind of happened to me so I feel your pain. From the very beginning I told all my friends I was planning on early September this year. (Hubby and I had an over 2 year engagement.) Lo and behold, a few friends of mine get engaged during that time.

No biggie, most of them want to get married the year before or in the spring. We're all happy brides together. One friend says she's looking at August. Well, I don't panic, every bride gets her day, right? So I send out STDs at the appropriate time. Everyone's excited...

I sent out my wedding invitations and start getting them back. My friend's comes back and she is getting married the day after me in the morning. Totally blind sides me because as of my last conversation with her, she's getting married weeks ahead of me. We live in different states and most of our mutual friends live up near her.

Even with sending STDs this affected my turnout and I was angry because it seemed like she was keeping this from me and at a month out, there is no way to fix it. I hit some pillows and ate some ice cream and got over it. In your case, I'd look into the feasibility of moving your date. I'd also let everyone know your date immediately so they can plan accordingly.

RedJacks25 · October 2013

We weren't keeping our date quiet, but no, we hadn't told all 150 potential guests about it yet. She's not family and she's not someone we're super close to. It just hadn't come up between us yet.

Teddy917 · October 2013

RedJacks25 said:
We weren't keeping our date quiet, but no, we hadn't told all 150 potential guests about it yet. She's not family and she's not someone we're super close to. It just hadn't come up between us yet.

If she isn't close enough to know the date, then this is probably not important to worry about.

RedJacks25 · October 2013

Teddy917 said:

RedJacks25 said:
We weren't keeping our date quiet, but no, we hadn't told all 150 potential guests about it yet. She's not family and she's not someone we're super close to. It just hadn't come up between us yet.
If she isn't close enough to know the date, then this is probably not important to worry about.

Really? It's 14 fricking months before my wedding. Everyone doesn't need to know the date the moment we pick it.

phira · October 2013

@RedJacks25 Um, look, while I understand the need to rant, you're posting on an etiquette board, not a personal blog. People are going to comment.

If you're here to complain that your friend booked the same date that you did, and already sent out save-the-dates, then your reaction ("It's 14 fricking months before my wedding. Everyone doesn't need to know the date the moment we pick it") is going to be met with criticism. Why? Because you didn't publicize your date, and so there's no way for anyone to have known that you picked it.

There's no, "But we picked it first!" argument to be made--if you booked your date and didn't tell anyone, then to everyone else, you haven't booked a date.

We're not sending out official save-the-dates right away, but we have already let people know that we're getting married on the day we booked. I have two other cousins planning weddings--I had to let people know.

So either this friend isn't a close friend so it doesn't MATTER that she picked the same day, or it DOES matter that she picked the same day and you should have TOLD people.

We picked our day 14 months ahead of time. We still told people. Get over it.

Jean0715 · October 2013

Telling your nearest and dearest is the only way to possibly prevent this situation.

It sucks that this happened to you. Follow PPs advice, if possible see if you can switch weekends. This way your mutual friends will not have to decide.

We picked our day out 18 months in advance. We told everyone who was important to us and our few key friends. About 5 couples have gotten engaged at work and a few more are possibly getting engaged in the near future (within 3 months). Being open about your date is the only way to allow other couples to (hopefully) plan without a conflict.

Xstatic3333 · October 2013

RedJacks25 said:

Teddy917 said:

RedJacks25 said:
We weren't keeping our date quiet, but no, we hadn't told all 150 potential guests about it yet. She's not family and she's not someone we're super close to. It just hadn't come up between us yet.
If she isn't close enough to know the date, then this is probably not important to worry about.
Really? It's 14 fricking months before my wedding. Everyone doesn't need to know the date the moment we pick it.

Will there be a lot of overlapping guests that you are close to? I agree that it was early to send STDs, but I usually consider that sort of thing a victimless crime. If anything, it just hurts the couple because people lose them or forget. As for sharing the date, when we booked (13 months out) we texted probably 30 of our nearest and dearest from the venue parking lot.

Jen4948 · October 2013

RedJacks25 said:

We weren't keeping our date quiet, but no, we hadn't told all 150 potential guests about it yet. She's not family and she's not someone we're super close to. It just hadn't come up between us yet.
If she isn't close enough to know the date, then this is probably not important to worry about.
Really? It's 14 fricking months before my wedding. Everyone doesn't need to know the date the moment we pick it.

Well, if that's the case, how the fricking heck is anyone supposed to know that you want them to leave that date open for you? Nobody has fricking ESP! I think you expect too much if you keep things secret but expect everyone to act as though you told them.

melbelleup · October 2013

Jen4948 said:

RedJacks25 said:

We weren't keeping our date quiet, but no, we hadn't told all 150 potential guests about it yet. She's not family and she's not someone we're super close to. It just hadn't come up between us yet.
If she isn't close enough to know the date, then this is probably not important to worry about.
Really? It's 14 fricking months before my wedding. Everyone doesn't need to know the date the moment we pick it.

Well, if that's the case, how the fricking heck is anyone supposed to know that you want them to leave that date open for you? Nobody has fricking ESP! I think you expect too much if you keep things secret but expect everyone to act as though you told them.

This. If you don't tell people when your wedding is, they have no idea that that is the date you planned. In my opinion, I would change your date since you haven't told anyone your date yet, it's not a big deal.

cowgirl8238 · October 2013

I wouldn't worry too much about the overlap. Since you are not super close with the overlapping couple I would think a majority of your guest list would be uninvolved with the other wedding anyway. If a few friends don't make it because they went to the other wedding oh well! You can take the money saved and upgrade something else.

If you are really worried you can look into changing the date but honestly how many of those people would be attending both weddingsback-to-back? If you think it will make a big difference then change it. Personally I wouldn't worry about it. You're still getting married and it will still be a beautiful and special day!

FutureMrsN3312 · October 2013

I had a "friend" pick the same date. Even though we made it public knowledge to everyone as soon as we signed our contract. I had a few friends engaged not married yet. FI had a few cousins engaged but no date set yet. Not to sound like a child, but I had my date set and vendors booked for 9 months before she picked the same date. Therefore, I felt like it was up to her to change her wedding to a different date. She had only booked the venue where I had everything set.

So far it's been a friendship ending move and I feel bad for the people on both guest lists that are now stuck in the middle. I haven't spoken to her since we had our falling out. All she says is she was engaged first she should get the date she wants. That was the final straw and I told her to go scratch.

She was a close friend. If I had booked my date on the same date as someone I wasn't close with idk if I would change it.

phira · October 2013

@FutureMrsN3312

I mean, it sounds like you and your fiance picked your date and booked your venue and vendors, and it was public knowledge (e.g. this friend knew about it), and then she went ahead and booked the same date mooooonths after you did and got upset AT YOU because of it. Different from the OP's situation. Very crappy, though.

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