Judgmental friend

climbingsingle · October 2013

FI have been together a little over 6 months. We got engaged right around what would have been 5 months together. FI is 40, I am 33. So yes, we moved a little fast. But we're both older, both established people that have been on our own for quite a while. I was talking to a male friend over the weekend (who is also friends with my FI) and mentioned that I was busy moving my things into FI's house. His response was, "Wow. Really?" This was similar to his response when he found out we got engaged. I think his exact words were. "You've known each other 5 minutes." Ok, fine. You're entitled to your opinion. We've been friends for a very long time. But what kills me is he started dating a girl and they moved in together after 3 weeks!! Then she got pregnant a week later. They have a 3 year old together. I never said a word to him about it - I was always supportive. It's irritating, you know? I'm an adult. I don't need the commentary on my life decisions.

melbelleup · October 2013

Maybe he didn't want you to make the same mistakes? None the less, people will talk regardless. People talk about my engagement and wedding since FI and I were dating 11 months before he propose and we'll be 2 yrs and 5 months when we get married. We moved in at 7 months because of him having to move for work. It happens, as long as your happy and FI is happy, shrug it off and just let it go, especially if you want to keep your friendship.

climbingsingle · October 2013

You're right - he's been a good friend and I don't want to lose the friendship. I just needed to vent about how annoying it was, you know?

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

melbelleup said:

Maybe he didn't want you to make the same mistakes? None the less, people will talk regardless. People talk about my engagement and wedding since FI and I were dating 11 months before he propose and we'll be 2 yrs and 5 months when we get married. We moved in at 7 months because of him having to move for work. It happens, as long as your happy and FI is happy, shrug it off and just let it go, especially if you want to keep your friendship.

The bolded is exactly what I thought when I read this and then learned of his circumstances.

Perhaps explore this with him if he's a close friend. Let him know you're hurt by these one-liners and you don't feel supported. See what he says. Better to have an open dialogue than be internally pissed.

PandPMeant2B · October 2013

Don't let it get to you. I am/was in a similar situation. H is 42 and I am 33. We were dating 4 months when we got engaged and were engaged for a year. I got a lot of "Wow, that was fast!"s and "Don't you think you're rushing things?" Yes, it happened fast and no, I don't think we rushed anything. Most of the comments people made were knee-jerk and I brushed them off. Like you said, you're adults. You know what makes you happy and if FI is the one, you do't want to waste another second without him in your life. Most people get that and you should forget about the ones who are jealous/don't understand.

climbingsingle · October 2013

What's funny is that he was the ONLY person to make a comment. Not one other person did - not my parents, his parents, our extended family, our siblings, our best friends. In fact, most people were like, "Yeah, we knew you guys were going to get engaged soon/married. We could tell."

grumbledore · October 2013

ClimbingBrideNY said:

FI have been together a little over 6 months. We got engaged right around what would have been 5 months together. FI is 40, I am 33. So yes, we moved a little fast. But we're both older, both established people that have been on our own for quite a while. I was talking to a male friend over the weekend (who is also friends with my FI) and mentioned that I was busy moving my things into FI's house. His response was, "Wow. Really?" This was similar to his response when he found out we got engaged. I think his exact words were. "You've known each other 5 minutes." Ok, fine. You're entitled to your opinion. We've been friends for a very long time. But what kills me is he started dating a girl and they moved in together after 3 weeks!! Then she got pregnant a week later. They have a 3 year old together. I never said a word to him about it - I was always supportive. It's irritating, you know? I'm an adult. I don't need the commentary on my life decisions.

Take a deep breath. Yes, he's being judgey, but the good news is it's probably just because he cares about you and wants to see you make good decisions (and may be haunted by his own decisions).

If it makes you feel better, a girl at work was complaining the other day about a couple having a nice wedding with a lot of guests because "they've already been together like 5 years, hasn't that ship sailed, I mean they've lived together for years!" My FH and I have been together over 4 years and lived together for 3 years. We'll be together 5 years when we get married. I got really, really defensive but I held it in.

climbingsingle · October 2013

grumbledore said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

FI have been together a little over 6 months. We got engaged right around what would have been 5 months together. FI is 40, I am 33. So yes, we moved a little fast. But we're both older, both established people that have been on our own for quite a while. I was talking to a male friend over the weekend (who is also friends with my FI) and mentioned that I was busy moving my things into FI's house. His response was, "Wow. Really?" This was similar to his response when he found out we got engaged. I think his exact words were. "You've known each other 5 minutes." Ok, fine. You're entitled to your opinion. We've been friends for a very long time. But what kills me is he started dating a girl and they moved in together after 3 weeks!! Then she got pregnant a week later. They have a 3 year old together. I never said a word to him about it - I was always supportive. It's irritating, you know? I'm an adult. I don't need the commentary on my life decisions.

Take a deep breath. Yes, he's being judgey, but the good news is it's probably just because he cares about you and wants to see you make good decisions (and may be haunted by his own decisions).

If it makes you feel better, a girl at work was complaining the other day about a couple having a nice wedding with a lot of guests because "they've already been together like 5 years, hasn't that ship sailed, I mean they've lived together for years!" My FH and I have been together over 4 years and lived together for 3 years. We'll be together 5 years when we get married. I got really, really defensive but I held it in.

That is totally ridiculous. Talk about being a Judgy McJudgerson.

Jells2dot0 · October 2013

I do think there are people who will "judge" because, as most pps stated, they care about you. Maybe they went through something similar or maybe they are just protective of loved ones. Then there are those who judge to be gossipy or are just stuck in their own closed mindedness. I do NOT think that is the case here. I'm sure if you said something, he'd apologize. But, i'd brush it off unless it happens again. I went through all kinds of Judgy McJudgerson crap with my relationship. Some people couldn't grasp that the relationship was real and not a mid life crisis, as we're 17 years apart. Others freaked when we moved in together because that is "sinful!" gee, aren't our divorces sinful? And then there are those who commented that it took 6 years for us to get married. I pulled those aside who were super offensive, but the others just got the cold shoulder and I moved on from it.

grumbledore · October 2013

ClimbingBrideNY said:

grumbledore said:

If it makes you feel better, a girl at work was complaining the other day about a couple having a nice wedding with a lot of guests because "they've already been together like 5 years, hasn't that ship sailed, I mean they've lived together for years!" My FH and I have been together over 4 years and lived together for 3 years. We'll be together 5 years when we get married. I got really, really defensive but I held it in.

That is totally ridiculous. Talk about being a Judgy McJudgerson.

Right? Like, wtf? I'm so sorry that we waited until we were super duper sure before thinking about getting married. Jerk.

(She isn't really a jerk, she's a very nice girl, it was very weird.)

APDSS22 · October 2013

grumbledore said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

grumbledore said:

If it makes you feel better, a girl at work was complaining the other day about a couple having a nice wedding with a lot of guests because "they've already been together like 5 years, hasn't that ship sailed, I mean they've lived together for years!" My FH and I have been together over 4 years and lived together for 3 years. We'll be together 5 years when we get married. I got really, really defensive but I held it in.

That is totally ridiculous. Talk about being a Judgy McJudgerson.

Right? Like, wtf? I'm so sorry that we waited until we were super duper sure before thinking about getting married. Jerk.

(She isn't really a jerk, she's a very nice girl, it was very weird.)

Yeah hubster and I got married 2 days before our 6 year dating anniversary and we got all sorts of crap about waiting so long. Especially since we had a 2.5 year engagement. Sorry we wanted to be able to afford a nice wedding...?

NYCBruin · October 2013

I think a lot of people who judge things like this are really just pushing their own issues on the people they're judging. Sounds like that's the case here.

Judgmental friend

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