How do I get people to stop inviting others who aren't on my guest list?

kitty8403 · October 2013

My fiancé's family is wonderful and I wouldn't hurt them for the world. I'm a bit stumped on this one though--they keep inviting people or telling them about our wedding and acting like a verbal invite is all that is necessary, without consulting us first. We are paying for it, and I don't mind the extra company necessarily, but I do want a firm headcount. I need it for rentals, and my caterer will need it too. I don't know how to control my guest list when I don't even have all the names or addresses of everyone they've asked. How do I get this to stop snowballing?

kitty8403 · October 2013

Example: Yesterday I overheard them discussing having a girlfriend's parents come because she is a bridesmaid. I had to intervene and say no, do not ask them, because I know she does not want them there. But now I'm concerned they might also have invited her grandparents, who are not on the guest list either. This is driving me nuts, but I don't feel like I can say anything without hurting their feelings. They are just really nice. Help?

smalfrie19 · October 2013

I think what you are going to have to do is have security and a VIP list and ONLY host the people you invite.

vt&dt · October 2013

Wow. That puts you in a really tough spot. Do you know who specifically is verbally inviting these people? I'd have a conversation with them - or, if you don't want to - have your FI talk to them. I would mention that you need firm headcounts for your vendors as well as seating arrangements, etc.

I would definitely also mention that a couple of extra guests won't make a big difference, but buying 10 more dinners/drinks/etc can really add up. If they want to continue to add to your list, maybe they should at least help with the additional costs.

There's a difference between realizing that someone was forgotten and should be on the list and just inviting people. Good luck with this - you're definitely not wrong to want to keep your guest list under control.

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

kitty8403 said:

My fiancé's family is wonderful and I wouldn't hurt them for the world. I'm a bit stumped on this one though--they keep inviting people or telling them about our wedding and acting like a verbal invite is all that is necessary, without consulting us first. We are paying for it, and I don't mind the extra company necessarily, but I do want a firm headcount. I need it for rentals, and my caterer will need it too. I don't know how to control my guest list when I don't even have all the names or addresses of everyone they've asked. How do I get this to stop snowballing?

You tell them, "I'm sorry, but due to budget restrictions, we are only inviting people whom we have actually sent an invite to. The invitation was to you and Bob, not you, Bob, Sally and Joe."

If they argue you stand firm and say, "I'm sorry, but this is our event and we insist on maintaining control over our guest list. I'm sure you understand that this is our event and our guest list."

Because if you keep letting them invite other people, you're going to end up with a wedding that is over-budget and you might be over your venue capacity.

I swear, though, I will NEVER understand how or why people think it's OK to just randomly invite other people to someone's wedding. (The issue of SOs being added by the guest when the bride/groom were rude and didn't include them aside, because that, in my book, is totally acceptable).

StephJean83 · October 2013

I had the same issue with my FMIL inviting family, whom wouldn't have made the list because they aren't very close, just happened to run into at the grocery store. My FH explained to her that we need to keep the guest list in checkotherwise we wwouldn't be able to invite our own friends or have the wedding we want.

I would find out for sure if they verbally invited anyone and let them know unless they are paying, they get no say in the guest list. If they have invited people, would you be able to accommodate them and are you able to their address?

harper0813 · October 2013

Your fiancé should be the one to talk to them. He can give them a set number of people to invite and let them know that you cannot honor verbal invitations.

doeydo · October 2013

kitty8403 said:

My fiancé's family is wonderful and I wouldn't hurt them for the world. I'm a bit stumped on this one though--they keep inviting people or telling them about our wedding and acting like a verbal invite is all that is necessary, without consulting us first. We are paying for it, and I don't mind the extra company necessarily, but I do want a firm headcount. I need it for rentals, and my caterer will need it too. I don't know how to control my guest list when I don't even have all the names or addresses of everyone they've asked. How do I get this to stop snowballing?

You are paying for it so they have no right to do this. You and your FI need to tell them that "We're sorry, but we will only invite people we, FI Name and kitty8043, choose to and will do so with a formal invitation. We ask that you please not invite anyone else." and then they need to contact the people the casually invited to your wedding to tell them that they made a mistake.

kitty8403 · October 2013

Lol girls he's in on it too. I swear, my boy is asking everyone he knows. :-)
We have a sizable venue, which helps. We started with about 250, assuming most out-of-state family likely could not come. But I am trying to stay under 200 to avoid more rentals, and at the rate they are going with asking locals, we could hit 350 pretty quick.

kitty8403 · October 2013

FMIL was already instructed to give us a list (with names and addresses) of priority invitees for their side. But I don't think she's writing down all the verbal invites she keeps giving out on top of the important family/friends.

StephJean83 · October 2013

kitty8403 said:
Lol girls he's in on it too. I swear, my boy is asking everyone he knows. :-)
We have a sizable venue, which helps. We started with about 250, assuming most out-of-state family likely could not come. But I am trying to stay under 200 to avoid more rentals, and at the rate they are going with asking locals, we could hit 350 pretty quick.

Part of the reason my FH and I opted to have our wedding closer to us vs his hometown, was his father would have told a bunch of locals to just stop by the reception. Since it was very important to me to have an open bar, I didn't want that happening. Since it would be a 3 1/2 hour drive from FH's hometown to the venue, we aren't worried about them inviting people to just the dancing part now.

kitty8403 · October 2013

Yeah. I'm getting socked with stuff from the groom like, oh, I want an open invite for this non-related family that you only sort of know, that altogether is like 30-40 people, with kids. And what do you mean you need their addresses, just tell their mom and she'll spread the word.
For the life of me I cannot figure out how to tell him/them I need tighter control over who's invited without sounding like a buzzkill.

mmm4763 · October 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

kitty8403 said:

My fiancé's family is wonderful and I wouldn't hurt them for the world. I'm a bit stumped on this one though--they keep inviting people or telling them about our wedding and acting like a verbal invite is all that is necessary, without consulting us first. We are paying for it, and I don't mind the extra company necessarily, but I do want a firm headcount. I need it for rentals, and my caterer will need it too. I don't know how to control my guest list when I don't even have all the names or addresses of everyone they've asked. How do I get this to stop snowballing?

You tell them, "I'm sorry, but due to budget restrictions, we are only inviting people whom we have actually sent an invite to. The invitation was to you and Bob, not you, Bob, Sally and Joe."

If they argue you stand firm and say, "I'm sorry, but this is our event and we insist on maintaining control over our guest list. I'm sure you understand that this is our event and our guest list."

Because if you keep letting them invite other people, you're going to end up with a wedding that is over-budget and you might be over your venue capacity.

I swear, though, I will NEVER understand how or why people think it's OK to just randomly invite other people to someone's wedding. (The issue of SOs being added by the guest when the bride/groom were rude and didn't include them aside, because that, in my book, is totally acceptable).

All of this. I know it sounds harsh but you and he (I would recommend the majority of the messaging come from him) need to stand firm.

This is happening to me/us and it's been incredibly stressful. Our venue holds 25 and we are expecting 24 (invited guests). His grandmother has verbally invited people, FH and his family have tried to manage the mess/message. Grandmother actually called FH again this weekend begging to add family member.

Also from experience, I would not use budget as a line of defense. We are having a small wedding b/c this is what we want. We are also paying for everything ourselves and a smaller wedding has helped with total cost. Grandmother said this weekend "well if it's because of cost, I'll give you some money" (Ummmmm....NO...for the reasons above and then some!)

Wishing you the best of luck b/c it's a very tricky thing to navigate family/cultural politics and some of the behavior I've encountered has been unlike anything I've experienced before or expected.

annathy03 · October 2013

kitty8403 said:

Yeah. I'm getting socked with stuff from the groom like, oh, I want an open invite for this non-related family that you only sort of know, that altogether is like 30-40 people, with kids. And what do you mean you need their addresses, just tell their mom and she'll spread the word. For the life of me I cannot figure out how to tell him/them I need tighter control over who's invited without sounding like a buzzkill.

Sounds like this is an issue you have with your groom, not just his family. You need to have a sit down and explain that you need tighter control over who is invited because you need to make sure there is enough food and beverage, enough seats for ceremony and reception, and to do seating charts. It shouldn't be that hard for him to understand that knowing how many people to plan for and who they are is important. Once he is on board, the two of you should have the same sit down with his family (normally I'd say he needs to talk to them, but if he's only recently understanding this too it may be good for you to be there to back him up).

doeydo · October 2013

Yeah. I'm getting socked with stuff from the groom like, oh, I want an open invite for this non-related family that you only sort of know, that altogether is like 30-40 people, with kids. And what do you mean you need their addresses, just tell their mom and she'll spread the word. For the life of me I cannot figure out how to tell him/them I need tighter control over who's invited without sounding like a buzzkill.

Stuck in box* That would annoy me so much! It's a wedding, not a casual BYOB barbecue. Even then, I'd want to know who was coming, etc. because I want to be a good host.

OliveOilsMom · October 2013

Draw up the budget. Show FI how much it costs per person. Tell him everytime he tells someone else, it adds x amount of dollars. He may start keeping his mouth shut and encouraging his family to do that same when he realizes how much money is coming out of this wallet over this.

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

kitty8403 said:
Lol girls he's in on it too. I swear, my boy is asking everyone he knows. :-)
We have a sizable venue, which helps. We started with about 250, assuming most out-of-state family likely could not come. But I am trying to stay under 200 to avoid more rentals, and at the rate they are going with asking locals, we could hit 350 pretty quick.

Then no, you don't have a FIL problem, you have a FI problem.

ANYONE that you or he invite, verbally or otherwise, MUST be given an actual invite. People who get verbal invites from extended family members do not need to be accommodated.

Also, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, plan on 100 percent acceptance. Search the boards and read the horror stories of brides who over-invited, assuming a certain percentage of declines, and now have a guest list that's over their budget and, in some cases, over venue capacity.

You need to assume that everyone you invite will attend and you need to be prepared to host them properly. That means not downgrading to a cash bar because you can't afford an open or hosted bar now.

Also, remember that for every person you add, it's not just another meal; you're adding more tables, centrepieces, favours (if you're doing them), alcohol, linens, place settings, etc. I know that some venues don't charge more; some do. My venue charges us a per-person fee, but not a per-table fee. Everything is included in that $4 fee -- linens, silver wear, tables, chairs, etc.

Your 250 v. 350 is a HUGE difference -- 100 people is EASILY another 12.5 (so 13) tables, which is another 13 centrepieces, plus whatever else is incidental. Also, at my venue's prices ($50ish pp), that's another $5K. Can you afford an increase of $5K? That's huge.

kitty8403 · October 2013

@hisgirlfriday13 -- bang on the nose with that one. I like your suggestion of giving him a real budget outline--he doesn't seem too disturbed about adding more costs, and that concerns me. He's been pretty matter of fact in assuming that weddings cost a lot. I don't think he really gets just how big a difference it is with a huge headcount jump. I'm more cautious about money stuff anyway.

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

kitty8403 said:

Lol girls he's in on it too. I swear, my boy is asking everyone he knows. :-) We have a sizable venue, which helps. We started with about 250, assuming most out-of-state family likely could not come. But I am trying to stay under 200 to avoid more rentals, and at the rate they are going with asking locals, we could hit 350 pretty quick.

Sounds to me like he's BEGGING to get a part time job to pay for all these extra people.... You need to get on the same page with him stat. A verbal invitation is as good as a written invitation so tell him to stop talking to people about it - period - until you figure out what you can afford.

OliveOilsMom · October 2013

kitty8403 said:

@hisgirlfriday13 -- bang on the nose with that one. I like your suggestion of giving him a real budget outline--he doesn't seem too disturbed about adding more costs, and that concerns me. He's been pretty matter of fact in assuming that weddings cost a lot. I don't think he really gets just how big a difference it is with a huge headcount jump. I'm more cautious about money stuff anyway.

If your more cautious with money than FI, might I also suggest a financial course of somekind for the two of you. One of the biggest causes of fights in a marriage is finances. Get on the same page now about that. H & I had different money philosophies. When we moved in together, we made a plan for how we would work together to build up savings, pay our bills, how to decide on big purchases, etc.

kitty8403 · October 2013

He's actually super good with money. And successful, work-wise. He's paying his share, for sure. I just don't see the need to spend that much, and I think he thinks I'm cheap. Or that I'm being dramatic. Or that I hate fun/am a control freak.

His attitude so far has been, like, if we need more chairs, we'll rent some freaking chairs. Is not getting through so far.

Jen4948 · October 2013

Sounds to me like it's time to stop the wedding planning and insist on couples counseling. If necessary, cancel all the plans that have been made so far and have him reimburse you for any deposits made that you or your family have contributed to. Then have your counselor drive it home to him, since you're not getting through, that his attitude is unreasonable.

If you can't get on the same page on this before the wedding, you'll never get there afterwards.

doeydo · October 2013

OP, this obviously concerns you (as it would anyone) and your FI doesn't seem to care at all.

MGP · October 2013

kitty8403 said:

His attitude so far has been, like, if we need more chairs, we'll rent some freaking chairs. Is not getting through so far.

Honestly this sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Even with SOME additional invited guests are you financially prepared to properly host them? Previous commenters are absolutely right by saying that with each invited guest you need to add $XX to your budget. Maybe that will at least put some things into perspective for you. And remember whoever you add to the guest list must be properly hosted. No passing along financial responsibility to anyone in the form of cash bars or tiering your reception. Just please don't do it.

Then you have the issue of just a bunch of uninvited, non-RSVP'ing guests showing up. You said right now with all of the verbal invites you have the potential of being 100 over capacity. That's a lot of people. What if you get shut down? This will also affect your actually invited guests with the amenities you have paid for them (food, chairs, etc) being taken by uninvited people. As an invited guest I would perceive the whole thing as very poorly planned, and very pissed off someone uninvited infringed on my space and ability to have a good time.

The nonchalance on your fiance's part is concerning as well. As previous commenters have said you need to get on the same page with him about this or it will set the stage for much bigger issues in your marriage. Counseling may help, but since I don't know you or your entire situation I can't say for sure.

Good luck with all of this.

thelastdreamer · October 2013

You need to sit down with him and say:

"FI, I love you dearly. I am not trying to be a fun sucker. I'm very excited to marry you and I can't wait to celebrate with our family friends. However, I also want us to be in a good place financially after we're married. We agreed that we would spend X amount on our wedding. Our cost per person is X. This means that every time you add a person, it's a lot more complicated than simply renting more chairs. It means more food, more drink, more place settings, etc. I don't want to fight about this, but I'm scared that inviting all these people is going to be thousands more dollars. Also, it's stressing me out to have no idea how much I need. This is why I need our guests to have real invites with RSVPs. If you want to add someone to the guest list, please just tell me instead of asking."

If this doesn't work, you guys, like the PPs said, seriously need to get on the same page about life and money.

Once you guys get on the same page, tackle his family.

kitty8403 · October 2013

Thanks, ladies. I appreciate the reassurance that maybe I'm not a fun crusher. :-)

kitty8403 · October 2013

Just a followup note here: had a productive talk with FMIL this morning and emphasized the need to know who had already been informed and to discuss certain individuals before just adding them to the list (ESP divorced couples, parents of acquaintances, etc). Overall it went pretty well, it sounds like they've spoken to fewer people than I originally feared but do have a long "wish list." I'm still looking at a big group and suspect we'll wind up with minimal family and locals out our ears, but she's happy with a set deadline and a certain (limited) level of control over who they feel should be there too. Will tackle FI next but at the moment he has other things on his mind, so that may work itself out somewhat.

How do I get people to stop inviting others who aren't on my guest list?

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