S/O: what would be a friendship-ending wedding move?

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

The thread below about the NYT article on people who hold grudges over not receiving a wedding present got me thinking.

What would be behaviour from a guest of yours that would be a friendship-ending move?

I have already told FI, people who RSVP that they're coming and who don't show up better have a darn good reason; death, car accident, went into labor, etc. 'I forgot' or 'I decided I didn't want to' are not good enough answers, and I will be hurt and it will absolutely impact our relationship negatively going forward.

What are ones for you all?

mstallae · October 2013

I agree if someone RSVP's yes and doesn't show I'll definitely be upset. If I find out they had a good reason (like you said car accident, sitter cancelled last minute, severe illness etc) I'd be upset they weren't there but let it go - if I found out they just decided not to come I'd be livid and it would take me a LONG time to get over that.

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

- making a sexual pass at DH

- violence or threats of violence to me or friends/family

- physical/emotional/sexual abuse of my friends/family

- people who suck in general

For me to cut off a friendship, it has to be pretty bad. I put the "people who suck in general" category because sometimes people do ridiculous shit that you can't predict and would be reprehensible. I just can't think of what else that would be right now.

climbingsingle · October 2013

I don't think I'd end a friendship over someone RSVPing and not showing up. Things happen. My wedding is not the most important thing in my guests' lives.

Personally, someone would have to do something insanely bad at the wedding for me to end the friendship over. Maybe trying to sleep with my FI? Starting a fight? I don't know. I can't imagine any of my friends doing anything so horrible.

itzMS · October 2013

My cousin sent me an absolutely nasty FB message after my wedding, calling me rude and selfish (and other choice words) for not talking to him enough at the reception. We had 260 guests, we tried our best. Most reasonable people realize that the bride and groom are, you know, kind of BUSY and pulled in a million different directions on their wedding day?

This message was just uncalled for. Especially when I'd just seen this cousin a month prior at a family reunion and spent tons of time talking with him and catching up.

He's not worth my time anymore.

banana468 · October 2013

Are you planning to call every no show for a lack of attendance form?

Xstatic3333 · October 2013

banana468 said:
Are you planning to call every no show for a lack of attendance form?

I agree; we had a bunch of no-shows, most of whom claimed stomach flu. I just let it roll off my back, no reason to doubt them.

My friendship-ended would be drunken violence, yelling, etc. Anything harmful or destructive. It would have to be BAD.

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

banana468 said:

Are you planning to call every no show for a lack of attendance form?

No; but FI's friends RSVP'd to another friend's wedding, then didn't come and then VOLUNTEERED the information, "We were going to, but the football game looked more interesting." So yeah, if someone VOLUNTARILY tells me that, I reserve the right to be judgey-pants.

banana468 · October 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

banana468 said:

Are you planning to call every no show for a lack of attendance form?

No; but FI's friends RSVP'd to another friend's wedding, then didn't come and then VOLUNTEERED the information, "We were going to, but the football game looked more interesting." So yeah, if someone VOLUNTARILY tells me that, I reserve the right to be judgey-pants.

OK. Fair enough. It's shitty to commit and then say something about how a better thing came up.

grumbledore · October 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

banana468 said:

Are you planning to call every no show for a lack of attendance form?

No; but FI's friends RSVP'd to another friend's wedding, then didn't come and then VOLUNTEERED the information, "We were going to, but the football game looked more interesting." So yeah, if someone VOLUNTARILY tells me that, I reserve the right to be judgey-pants.

I agree. I don't expect my wedding to be the most important thing in anyone else's life, but I do think it's extremely rude to RSVP yes and then no-show without a good reason (illness, emergency, etc). "I felt like staying home and watching tv" is a pretty shitty thing to say and do and it would change my view of that person. It might not be a friendship-ender, but it would make me seriously question if they were worth my time since I clearly wasn't worth theirs.

courtski2004 · October 2013

We had quite a few guests RSVP 'yes' and then no-show. If any of them had said that they found something 'better to do', that for sure would have gotten under my skin. Some people just don't have a filter--why on earth would you say that to somebody?!

A few of our friends didn't bring a gift and it must have guilted them so much that they told J and I that they had it and would get it to us or were making something homemade and it wasn't finished yet--then gave nothing. It isn't the fact that they didn't give us a gift, that doesn't upset me at all. But to go out of your way to say that you had something wonderful to give us, then do nothing was really weird to me. Why even address it if you didn't have the intention of giving anything? Had they given nothing and not said anything, I wouldn't even remember.

Worst wedding experience: my cousin and his wife enlisted all of their friends and family to help out with decorating the reception space and cooking the brunch reception food the day before the wedding. Most of their friends were very happy to help, and had a great time. My other cousins, my sister and mom were in charge of making the quiche from scratch. There were no rolling pins for the dough, so we used empty wine bottles (emptying them was the fun part!), used copious amounts of flour and tried our best. We chopped veggies, the whole deal--quiche for 100 people. The next day at the wedding, the folks in charge of cooking them didn't pay close enough attention and they weren't cooked long enough at a high enough temp, then let them sit out for 20 minutes before they were served. All that work, and they were inedible. I drank lots of mimosas and ate 4 blueberry muffins.

StephJean83 · October 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

banana468 said:

Are you planning to call every no show for a lack of attendance form?

No; but FI's friends RSVP'd to another friend's wedding, then didn't come and then VOLUNTEERED the information, "We were going to, but the football game looked more interesting." So yeah, if someone VOLUNTARILY tells me that, I reserve the right to be judgey-pants.

My BIL threw out his back and ended up in the ER as he was dressing to go to a wedding. My sister had called the groom and explained the situation and mailed them the gift they bought. This wedding was a couple months before my sister & BIL's wedding, so the couple RSVP yes, no-showed, on purpose and told mutual friends, than regifted my sister the gift my sister had given them, with the card still attached from my sister and BIL.

Jen4948 · October 2013

I would think the following would be friendship-ending movies:

1) Making passes at one of the couple
2) RSVPing yes and then no-showing without its being an emergency and being nonchalant about not attending
3) Any kind of physical violence and or threats
4) Stealing/ other illegal behavior/behavior that puts attendees/property at risk
5) Bigoted remarks or behavior
6) Spreading falsehoods about one or both of the couple, family members, etc.

harper0813 · October 2013

I also think that no-shows, in certain circumstances, can be friendship-ending. We had 5. 1 told us the day before that she has never booked a plane ticket, oops. No apology or reason why. One couple did not come and told their friends one reason (the guy had a backache), posted a different reason on Facebook (the guy had a bad cold), and gave us yet another reason (the girl had to work last-minute). These relationships are definitely damaged.

Another couple no-showed without any explanation. We haven't heard from them since, and the guy either deleted us on Facebook or blocked us. So something could have happened to him. So no judgement at this point.

banana468 · October 2013

StephJean83 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

banana468 said:

Are you planning to call every no show for a lack of attendance form?

No; but FI's friends RSVP'd to another friend's wedding, then didn't come and then VOLUNTEERED the information, "We were going to, but the football game looked more interesting." So yeah, if someone VOLUNTARILY tells me that, I reserve the right to be judgey-pants.

My BIL threw out his back and ended up in the ER as he was dressing to go to a wedding. My sister had called the groom and explained the situation and mailed them the gift they bought. This wedding was a couple months before my sister & BIL's wedding, so the couple RSVP yes, no-showed, on purpose and told mutual friends, than regifted my sister the gift my sister had given them, with the card still attached from my sister and BIL.

I think that would be friendship ending in a public way. Like a take to FB and publicly out the two douche canoes.

GypsyWife_ · October 2013

None. Its a wedding its not going to be perfect. there might be fights. People might not show up. my aunt will be extremely late and have a shitty attitude the whole time. Me and cousins will be drunk and all the guys will be outside smoking the whole time. And my kid will probably put her hands in the wedding cake. Who cares it will be a good time anyways and I'll be married.

grumbledore · October 2013

StephJean83 said:

banana468 said:

Are you planning to call every no show for a lack of attendance form?

No; but FI's friends RSVP'd to another friend's wedding, then didn't come and then VOLUNTEERED the information, "We were going to, but the football game looked more interesting." So yeah, if someone VOLUNTARILY tells me that, I reserve the right to be judgey-pants.
My BIL threw out his back and ended up in the ER as he was dressing to go to a wedding. My sister had called the groom and explained the situation and mailed them the gift they bought. This wedding was a couple months before my sister & BIL's wedding, so the couple RSVP yes, no-showed, on purpose and told mutual friends, than regifted my sister the gift my sister had given them, with the card still attached from my sister and BIL.

Well that's just gross. The man was in the ER for pete's sake.

manateehugger · October 2013

grumbledore said:

StephJean83 said:

banana468 said:

Are you planning to call every no show for a lack of attendance form?

No; but FI's friends RSVP'd to another friend's wedding, then didn't come and then VOLUNTEERED the information, "We were going to, but the football game looked more interesting." So yeah, if someone VOLUNTARILY tells me that, I reserve the right to be judgey-pants.
My BIL threw out his back and ended up in the ER as he was dressing to go to a wedding. My sister had called the groom and explained the situation and mailed them the gift they bought. This wedding was a couple months before my sister & BIL's wedding, so the couple RSVP yes, no-showed, on purpose and told mutual friends, than regifted my sister the gift my sister had given them, with the card still attached from my sister and BIL.

Well that's just gross. The man was in the ER for pete's sake.

No kidding! What petty people - it sounds like they are better off without their friendship.

Jen4948 · October 2013

grumbledore said:

StephJean83 said:

banana468 said:

Are you planning to call every no show for a lack of attendance form?

No; but FI's friends RSVP'd to another friend's wedding, then didn't come and then VOLUNTEERED the information, "We were going to, but the football game looked more interesting." So yeah, if someone VOLUNTARILY tells me that, I reserve the right to be judgey-pants.
My BIL threw out his back and ended up in the ER as he was dressing to go to a wedding. My sister had called the groom and explained the situation and mailed them the gift they bought. This wedding was a couple months before my sister & BIL's wedding, so the couple RSVP yes, no-showed, on purpose and told mutual friends, than regifted my sister the gift my sister had given them, with the card still attached from my sister and BIL.

Well that's just gross. The man was in the ER for pete's sake.

Yeah, that would end any friendship from me.

Pepper6 · October 2013

banana468 said:

banana468 said:

Are you planning to call every no show for a lack of attendance form?

No; but FI's friends RSVP'd to another friend's wedding, then didn't come and then VOLUNTEERED the information, "We were going to, but the football game looked more interesting." So yeah, if someone VOLUNTARILY tells me that, I reserve the right to be judgey-pants.
My BIL threw out his back and ended up in the ER as he was dressing to go to a wedding. My sister had called the groom and explained the situation and mailed them the gift they bought. This wedding was a couple months before my sister & BIL's wedding, so the couple RSVP yes, no-showed, on purpose and told mutual friends, than regifted my sister the gift my sister had given them, with the card still attached from my sister and BIL.
I think that would be friendship ending in a public way. Like a take to FB and publicly out the two douche canoes.

Holy shit...what assholes! They are definitely better off not having such petty, childish people in their lives anymore. But hey, bright side is at least they got the gift back that they gave them, that way they technically weren't out the money for it.

loca4pook · October 2013

banana468 said:

banana468 said:

Are you planning to call every no show for a lack of attendance form?
No; but FI's friends RSVP'd to another friend's wedding, then didn't come and then VOLUNTEERED the information, "We were going to, but the football game looked more interesting." So yeah, if someone VOLUNTARILY tells me that, I reserve the right to be judgey-pants.
OK. Fair enough. It's shitty to commit and then say something about how a better thing came up.

I am not sure I would have guts to end over the following, but I admit it REALLY hurt my feelings.

A family friend whom I have known my entire LIFE was openly telling people she was finding way to get out of attending my wedding..then conveniently FB'ed me telling me she had tickets to a play that clashed with my date despite having known the date for a year ..I admit that stung a little.

loca4pook · October 2013

We had quite a few guests RSVP 'yes' and then no-show. If any of them had said that they found something 'better to do', that for sure would have gotten under my skin. Some people just don't have a filter--why on earth would you say that to somebody?!

A few of our friends didn't bring a gift and it must have guilted them so much that they told J and I that they had it and would get it to us or were making something homemade and it wasn't finished yet--then gave nothing. It isn't the fact that they didn't give us a gift, that doesn't upset me at all. But to go out of your way to say that you had something wonderful to give us, then do nothing was really weird to me. Why even address it if you didn't have the intention of giving anything? Had they given nothing and not said anything, I wouldn't even remember.

Worst wedding experience: my cousin and his wife enlisted all of their friends and family to help out with decorating the reception space and cooking the brunch reception food the day before the wedding. Most of their friends were very happy to help, and had a great time. My other cousins, my sister and mom were in charge of making the quiche from scratch. There were no rolling pins for the dough, so we used empty wine bottles (emptying them was the fun part!), used copious amounts of flour and tried our best. We chopped veggies, the whole deal--quiche for 100 people. The next day at the wedding, the folks in charge of cooking them didn't pay close enough attention and they weren't cooked long enough at a high enough temp, then let them sit out for 20 minutes before they were served. All that work, and they were inedible. I drank lots of mimosas and ate 4 blueberry muffins.

MY PART_--dont knwo how I screwed this up

I have one of those....I admit, it is starting to get to me. I would have been fine if she hadn't given a gift, but she keeps telling me like once a week, she has a gift sitting at home for me..It currently needs to be "assembled", whereas a few weeks ago it was "something tiny"...Clearly, it doesn't exist. At this point, I'd be a liar if I didn't say I feel slightly uncomfortable about the entire issue

smalfrie19 · October 2013

loca4pook said:

banana468 said:

banana468 said:

Are you planning to call every no show for a lack of attendance form?
No; but FI's friends RSVP'd to another friend's wedding, then didn't come and then VOLUNTEERED the information, "We were going to, but the football game looked more interesting." So yeah, if someone VOLUNTARILY tells me that, I reserve the right to be judgey-pants.
OK. Fair enough. It's shitty to commit and then say something about how a better thing came up.

I am not sure I would have guts to end over the following, but I admit it REALLY hurt my feelings.

A family friend whom I have known my entire LIFE was openly telling people she was finding way to get out of attending my wedding..then conveniently FB'ed me telling me she had tickets to a play that clashed with my date despite having known the date for a year ..I admit that stung a little.

Shit, I would

Jen4948 · October 2013

smalfrie19 said:

loca4pook said:

banana468 said:

banana468 said:

Are you planning to call every no show for a lack of attendance form?
No; but FI's friends RSVP'd to another friend's wedding, then didn't come and then VOLUNTEERED the information, "We were going to, but the football game looked more interesting." So yeah, if someone VOLUNTARILY tells me that, I reserve the right to be judgey-pants.
OK. Fair enough. It's shitty to commit and then say something about how a better thing came up.

I am not sure I would have guts to end over the following, but I admit it REALLY hurt my feelings.

A family friend whom I have known my entire LIFE was openly telling people she was finding way to get out of attending my wedding..then conveniently FB'ed me telling me she had tickets to a play that clashed with my date despite having known the date for a year ..I admit that stung a little.

Shit, I would

Yeah, me too. Someone who would do that deserves to forfeit a friendship because she's being a jerk.

StephJean83 · October 2013

Jen4948 said:

grumbledore said:

StephJean83 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

banana468 said:

Are you planning to call every no show for a lack of attendance form?

No; but FI's friends RSVP'd to another friend's wedding, then didn't come and then VOLUNTEERED the information, "We were going to, but the football game looked more interesting." So yeah, if someone VOLUNTARILY tells me that, I reserve the right to be judgey-pants.
My BIL threw out his back and ended up in the ER as he was dressing to go to a wedding. My sister had called the groom and explained the situation and mailed them the gift they bought. This wedding was a couple months before my sister & BIL's wedding, so the couple RSVP yes, no-showed, on purpose and told mutual friends, than regifted my sister the gift my sister had given them, with the card still attached from my sister and BIL.

Well that's just gross. The man was in the ER for pete's sake.

Yeah, that would end any friendship from me.

They have ended the friendship. My sister does have the wife on her FB but doesn't actively engage with her.

doeydo · October 2013

-Making moves on the groom
-Stealing, violence, or other stupid illegal stuff
-Homophobic behaviour towards one of my family members.
-A no-show that didn't have a reasonable excuse
-Getting super drunk and doing stupid things (flashing, dancing on top of a table, etc.)
-Proposing to someone on our wedding day without consulting myself or my FI
Edit- wording

WonderRed · October 2013

Jen4948 said:

grumbledore said:

StephJean83 said:

banana468 said:

Are you planning to call every no show for a lack of attendance form?

No; but FI's friends RSVP'd to another friend's wedding, then didn't come and then VOLUNTEERED the information, "We were going to, but the football game looked more interesting." So yeah, if someone VOLUNTARILY tells me that, I reserve the right to be judgey-pants.
My BIL threw out his back and ended up in the ER as he was dressing to go to a wedding. My sister had called the groom and explained the situation and mailed them the gift they bought. This wedding was a couple months before my sister & BIL's wedding, so the couple RSVP yes, no-showed, on purpose and told mutual friends, than regifted my sister the gift my sister had given them, with the card still attached from my sister and BIL.

Well that's just gross. The man was in the ER for pete's sake.

Yeah, that would end any friendship from me.

Holy assholes! I have nothing, other than that.

loca4pook · October 2013

courtski2004 said:

We had quite a few guests RSVP 'yes' and then no-show. If any of them had said that they found something 'better to do', that for sure would have gotten under my skin. Some people just don't have a filter--why on earth would you say that to somebody?!

A few of our friends didn't bring a gift and it must have guilted them so much that they told J and I that they had it and would get it to us or were making something homemade and it wasn't finished yet--then gave nothing. It isn't the fact that they didn't give us a gift, that doesn't upset me at all. But to go out of your way to say that you had something wonderful to give us, then do nothing was really weird to me. Why even address it if you didn't have the intention of giving anything? Had they given nothing and not said anything, I wouldn't even remember.

Worst wedding experience: my cousin and his wife enlisted all of their friends and family to help out with decorating the reception space and cooking the brunch reception food the day before the wedding. Most of their friends were very happy to help, and had a great time. My other cousins, my sister and mom were in charge of making the quiche from scratch. There were no rolling pins for the dough, so we used empty wine bottles (emptying them was the fun part!), used copious amounts of flour and tried our best. We chopped veggies, the whole deal--quiche for 100 people. The next day at the wedding, the folks in charge of cooking them didn't pay close enough attention and they weren't cooked long enough at a high enough temp, then let them sit out for 20 minutes before they were served. All that work, and they were inedible. I drank lots of mimosas and ate 4 blueberry muffins.

why do people do this? . I have somene who is doing this too and it is just feels worse then if they just never gave a gift and moved on. If you feel so guilty about not giving a gift, why not just a give a fricking gift? I seriously don't understand people who do this.

APDSS22 · October 2013

We had some friends that backed out of coming to our wedding like a week beforehand. It was the last straw on a VERY tolerant camel's back for that friendship. We also had a bunch of no-shows. Some of them I haven't heard from...a couple actually got sick and I have no judgement for that, stuff happens. I'm not going out of my way to talk to the no shows, no answers right now, but I don't think it was really friendship-ending.

S/O: what would be a friendship-ending wedding move?

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