WWYD? Church ceremony question

CallaLily25 · October 2013

I have two options and want to host my guests in the best way possible.

Option 1:

Get married in a church with a full Catholic mass. Mass will conclude at about 4pm, with the whole event ending around 4:30 (with exit and receiving line). 3pm is the only time they do services on Saturdays.

The earliest my reception hall will let me start cocktail hour is 6pm. However, guests are allowed to enter at 5:30 for champagne, light refreshments, and light food. The reception hall is about 15 min away from the church. So, guests would have the option of using the time after the reception and before cocktail hour to go to the hotel (most, but not all guests are coming from out of town and staying over), check in, and take the shuttle to the reception. For those that don't want to do this, they'd probably get to the reception hall anywhere between 4:45-5:00, but the light refreshments before cocktail hour don't start until 5:30.

Option 2: Get married at 6:30 at the reception hall instead of the church. 7pm cocktail hour would start with dinner at 8pm. No awkward gaps, but possibly a little rushed IMO.

If not for the potential 30 min window of time where a small amount of non-hotel guests won't be provided with a specific thing to do or refreshments, I would be completely wanting to do the church. I'm just so torn!

Any thoughts? I don't want to inconvenience or annoy anyone.

monkeysip · October 2013

As much as I hate gaps, I'm alarmed by the fact that you're willing to forgo your Catholic wedding over this. I mean, getting married outside the Church will mean that your marriage is invalid and you're no longer able to receive communion.

If you care about practicing your faith, then I certainly would not give that up, no matter what.

With that being said, no one likes gaps. But, my question is, will your venue allow guests in when they arrive, just without food and drink? It's not as bad if they can at least come in and hang out during that time. Or will your venue not even let them in, and they'd have to wait outside?

I would probably find a new venue or find a way to entertain people during that gap. Lemonade and cookies outside the Church, perhaps? Or somewhere else close by that can briefly entertain guests until the reception hall opens?

It was extremely important for us to get married in the Church, but also without a gap. I made sure to choose a reception venue that would allow an early enough cocktail hour, even though it wasn't our first choice (although we don't regret it--it was a great venue).

My point is, you need to find some way to entertain guests during that time, BUT if your faith is important to you or your FI, then nixing the ceremony at the Church is not the way to fix it!

banana468 · October 2013

Do you want to be considered a practicing Catholic or a lapsed Catholic in poor standing? That should be your motivating factor.

Unfortunately I think you went about this the wrong way. Figure out what you want - a Catholic ceremony or one at the venue. THEN, book your ceremony. If you opt for the Catholic ceremony then if you're faced with a gap, figure out what you can host in the interim.

manateehugger · October 2013

Is there an outdoor area to the venue or a nearby park that you can do cocktails in?We couldn't get into the main area of our reception venue when I wanted, but we could use the front garden as a cocktail hour space.

Honestly, if I were you, I'd be tempted to start looking for a new reception venue that would start admitting people at 5:00ish.

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

CallaLily25 said:

I have two options and want to host my guests in the best way possible. Option 1: Get married in a church with a full Catholic mass. Mass will conclude at about 4pm, with the whole event ending around 4:30 (with exit and receiving line). 3pm is the only time they do services on Saturdays. The earliest my reception hall will let me start cocktail hour is 6pm. However, guests are allowed to enter at 5:30 for champagne, light refreshments, and light food. The reception hall is about 15 min away from the church. So, guests would have the option of using the time after the reception and before cocktail hour to go to the hotel (most, but not all guests are coming from out of town and staying over), check in, and take the shuttle to the reception. For those that don't want to do this, they'd probably get to the reception hall anywhere between 4:45-5:00, but the light refreshments before cocktail hour don't start until 5:30. Option 2: Get married at 6:30 at the reception hall instead of the church. 7pm cocktail hour would start with dinner at 8pm. No awkward gaps, but possibly a little rushed IMO. If not for the potential 30 min window of time where a small amount of non-hotel guests won't be provided with a specific thing to do or refreshments, I would be completely wanting to do the church. I'm just so torn! Any thoughts? I don't want to inconvenience or annoy anyone.

I second @monekysip. Nothing was more important to me and FI than having a Catholic wedding. We arranged all of that FIRST, then built the reception afterwards. BUT, we're also lucky -- since we're getting married on a Sunday, there was more flexibility in the time when we could have our ceremony (anytime after 10.30 Mass, which ends at 11.30).

I also dislike gaps, I really do, and generally I think they're super-rude.

So I think your options are:

1. Find another venue that will allow you to have your cocktail hour start at the appropriate time.

2. Threaten your current venue that you're going to find another venue unless they work with you on the half-hour time you need (which, btw, is not even remotely unreasonable).

3. Find something for your guests to do for 30 minutes at either the church, the venue, or the hotel.

4. Could you arrange a light refreshments hour at the hotel? You said most of your guests are OOT and will be staying at a nearby hotel. Can you arrange to have them all leave the church at 4.30, arrive at the hotel around 4.45, have a light refreshments hour (it can even be alcohol-free if you want), for an hour, have them leave at 5.45 to get to the venue at 6 for the reception? If you take this option, I would skip the champagne and cocktail hour at the venue entirely.

5. Alternatively to No. 4, you could tell your venue you plan to do this -- the loss of the revenue from the cocktail hour might be enough to spur them to be more reasonable and accommodating about your time frame.

Dreamergirl8812 · October 2013

It seems to me that you should have chosen a reception venue that allows you to determine the start time. But, 30 minutes is really not that bad.

CallaLily25 · October 2013

Getting married so that we are recognized by the church is extremely important to me. I think I just really panicked about the 30 min gap.

I booked the church first, but finding a venue with a compatible start time has been extremely difficult. Unfortunately, nearly all the venues in my area (NJ) start their receptions at 5:30 or later. I think most of the issue is that while many of them do "one event at a time," they often do 2 in one day. If my venue doesn't have an afternoon wedding, then guests can come pretty much whenever, but I won't know this for sure until closer to the date.

The only options that I had for the church were Friday at 5pm (inconvenient for all of my out of town guests), Saturday at 3pm, and Sunday at 3pm (also inconvenient for all of my out of town guests).

I could definitely offer refreshments at the hotel, so that is an option.

Thank you for all of the opinions and ideas! I really appreciate the honesty!

CallaLily25 · October 2013

monkeysip said:

As much as I hate gaps, I'm alarmed by the fact that you're willing to forgo your Catholic wedding over this. I mean, getting married outside the Church will mean that your marriage is invalid and you're no longer able to receive communion.

If you care about practicing your faith, then I certainly would not give that up, no matter what.

With that being said, no one likes gaps. But, my question is, will your venue allow guests in when they arrive, just without food and drink? It's not as bad if they can at least come in and hang out during that time. Or will your venue not even let them in, and they'd have to wait outside?

I would probably find a new venue or find a way to entertain people during that gap. Lemonade and cookies outside the Church, perhaps? Or somewhere else close by that can briefly entertain guests until the reception hall opens?

It was extremely important for us to get married in the Church, but also without a gap. I made sure to choose a reception venue that would allow an early enough cocktail hour, even though it wasn't our first choice (although we don't regret it--it was a great venue).

My point is, you need to find some way to entertain guests during that time, BUT if your faith is important to you or your FI, then nixing the ceremony at the Church is not the way to fix it!

I think that they will be allowed in, but the food won't start until 5:30.

FutureMrsN3312 · October 2013

CallaLily25 said:

Getting married so that we are recognized by the church is extremely important to me. I think I just really panicked about the 30 min gap.

I booked the church first, but finding a venue with a compatible start time has been extremely difficult. Unfortunately, nearly all the venues in my area (NJ) start their receptions at 5:30 or later. I think most of the issue is that while many of them do "one event at a time," they often do 2 in one day. If my venue doesn't have an afternoon wedding, then guests can come pretty much whenever, but I won't know this for sure until closer to the date.

The only options that I had for the church were Friday at 5pm (inconvenient for all of my out of town guests), Saturday at 3pm, and Sunday at 3pm (also inconvenient for all of my out of town guests).

I could definitely offer refreshments at the hotel, so that is an option.

Thank you for all of the opinions and ideas! I really appreciate the honesty!

I'm having the exact same issue. Also getting married in nj. Most of our guests are going back to the hotel after church to check in, freshen up, and hop on the shuttle. I'm thinking of having refreshments set up for them some where in the hotel. For the other guests we are going to ask our venue to extend the "hospitality" from 30 mins to 60 mins.

erinlin25 · October 2013

Catholic Mass usually will incur the dreaded gap and 1hr really is not a huge deal IMO. Its when people do a morning ceremony with an afternoon gap and dinner reception when I get annoyed. every catholic full mass ceremony I have been to ends up being at least 1.5 hours; people do not immediately get up from there seat head straight to the car and rush to the reception, so I think your small 1 hr gap would not offend anyone in my opinion and actually will work out nicely. You may think it will only be an hour plus the receiving line, but I bet it goes longer than you expect.

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

erinlin25 said:

Catholic Mass usually will incur the dreaded gap and 1hr really is not a huge deal IMO. Its when people do a morning ceremony with an afternoon gap and dinner reception when I get annoyed. every catholic full mass ceremony I have been to ends up being at least 1.5 hours; people do not immediately get up from there seat head straight to the car and rush to the reception, so I think your small 1 hr gap would not offend anyone in my opinion and actually will work out nicely. You may think it will only be an hour plus the receiving line, but I bet it goes longer than you expect.

False. A Catholic Mass is no more likely to incur a gap than any other wedding. A Catholic Mass only requires better planning on the part of the bride and groom than a regular wedding so that the gap can be avoided.

Our ceremony starts at 3 p.m., our cocktail hour starts at 4.30 p.m. at a venue 10 minutes away from the church. There will be no gap. Our guests will be appropriately hosted from the moment the set foot in the venue until the moment they leave.

lizandmark2014 · October 2013

My vote is option one.

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

missax said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:
5. Alternatively to No. 4, you could tell your venue you plan to do this -- the loss of the revenue from the cocktail hour might be enough to spur them to be more reasonable and accommodating about your time frame.

I would try this first, the worst that could happen is they tell you no. My husband is all about the threat to take his business elsewhere and it usually works. If not, 30-45 minutes isn't that terrible of a gap. I also agree with erinlin25 that it may go longer than expected and the gap may not be as long as you think.

Your husband and I are on the same page! FI is not such a fan of it (he's a non-confrontational person by nature), but I'm a HUGE believer in it. I figure, the worst that happens is they say no, right? And as long as you're polite about it -- "I'm sorry, I'm afraid that's not going to work for us. Can you be flexible on times or should we look for another venue/vendor?" -- rather than rude about it -- "If you don't give me what I want, I'm taking my business elsewhere!" -- people are generally accommodating. Especially with wedding stuff, the closer to your date, the more likely they are to be flexible and keep your overall business than risk losing your business and not being able to re-book their venue for that day and losing all that revenue.

Tomandlesley · October 2013

30 minutes is not all bad people mingle and talk to each other after anyways. In most cases people have not seen each other in a while and want to talk. I doubt very many people would be waiting the full 30 minutes.

mschristie123 · October 2013

I've struggled with a similar kind of thing, wanting to have a full Catholic mass because its important to FI and I, but at the same time, not inconveniencing people. However, I've fallen on the side of doing what is special/important to us and refusing to compromise. Although I want my guests to enjoy my wedding weekend 100%, I need to do what I feel is the best decision for us. People are there for YOU and your fiancee and they should be able to occupy themselves for a while in between events. If they love you and your family (which i'm sure they do :-)) they shouldn't mind having a little bit of downtime.

For what it's worth, our full Catholic ceremony starts at 1:30 and cocktail hour isn't until 5. I'm assuming our guests can find their way to the hotel or bar to kill time.

OliveOilsMom · October 2013

christiealmostmikell said:

I've struggled with a similar kind of thing, wanting to have a full Catholic mass because its important to FI and I, but at the same time, not inconveniencing people. However, I've fallen on the side of doing what is special/important to us and refusing to compromise. Although I want my guests to enjoy my wedding weekend 100%, I need to do what I feel is the best decision for us. People are there for YOU and your fiancee and they should be able to occupy themselves for a while in between events. If they love you and your family (which i'm sure they do :-)) they shouldn't mind having a little bit of downtime.

For what it's worth, our full Catholic ceremony starts at 1:30 and cocktail hour isn't until 5. I'm assuming our guests can find their way to the hotel or bar to kill time.

You really need to find a way to entertain and host your guests during your gap. I have been to many Catholic weddings and they all avoided the dreaded gap. My sister's wedding is coming up in a week and a half, there is going to be about an hour gap between the ceremoy & reception. My parents are opening their home up for anyone who wants to have drink and a snack before moving onto the reception. Most of your guests won't even be able to check into their hotel right after your ceremony. Most check in times are at 4 and most hotels won't accept early check ins.

NYCMercedes · October 2013

I've struggled with a similar kind of thing, wanting to have a full Catholic mass because its important to FI and I, but at the same time, not inconveniencing people. However, I've fallen on the side of doing what is special/important to us and refusing to compromise. Although I want my guests to enjoy my wedding weekend 100%, I need to do what I feel is the best decision for us. People are there for YOU and your fiancee and they should be able to occupy themselves for a while in between events. If they love you and your family (which i'm sure they do :-)) they shouldn't mind having a little bit of downtime.

For what it's worth, our full Catholic ceremony starts at 1:30 and cocktail hour isn't until 5. I'm assuming our guests can find their way to the hotel or bar to kill time.

Why would they need to freshen up when, presumably they have freshened up for your wedding? They probably are not dirty from going to church. Why should they have to kill time and wait for you? Why should they have to sit and drink? Why should your wedding take up their entire day? Makes no sense.

MyNameIsNot · October 2013

The difference between the two options is really up to you and your faith. No one can make that call for you.

If you go with option one, you'll need to either host cocktail hour at another location, at the church, or find a different reception venue. An hour gap is not as bad as 3 hours, but no amount of gap (except travel time) is acceptable.

The idea that a Catholic wedding automatically requires a gap is absurd. I've been to dozens of Catholic weddings, and only one had a gap (because the couple didn't care.) Sometimes there was an hour in the church basement, sometimes the reception started at 3:30, and sometimes cocktail hour was at a hotel or a park.

If you go with option two, your timeline is fine, but I don't understand why you couldn't still start at 6:00.

ei34 · October 2013

The same thing happened to me. A full Catholic mass was really important to hubby and me, but I felt funny that it'd go from 4-5p and then our cocktail hour didn't start until 6:30. I begged and pleaded with my venue (about a 30 minute drive from the church) until they finally agreed to a "modified" cocktail hour from 5:30-6:30...just champagne, wine, beer, and soda to drink and fruit and veggie display table, cookies, and pastries to eat, since the full cocktail hour with open bar and lots of food was from 6:30-8. It cost an arm and a leg, and only 10-20% of our guests even went. (Almost all of our guests lived locally and preferred to go home and relax for a bit.) Try again to work something out with your venue, they might be able to do something a bit earlier than they'd originally said. Good luck!!

SlothGoals · October 2013

OliveOilsMom said:

You really need to find a way to entertain and host your guests during your gap. I have been to many Catholic weddings and they all avoided the dreaded gap. My sister's wedding is coming up in a week and a half, there is going to be about an hour gap between the ceremoy & reception. My parents are opening their home up for anyone who wants to have drink and a snack before moving onto the reception. Most of your guests won't even be able to check into their hotel right after your ceremony. Most check in times are at 4 and most hotels won't accept early check ins.

Ditto @OliveOilsMom. My parents and my FI's parents are both hosting light refreshments at their homes in between our ceremony and reception. There will be about an hour of time to kill so we needed to make sure our guests are made comfortable.

kitty8403 · October 2013

I assume your priest cannot come to your venue and marry you there? (Forgive me, I'm Protestant, so moving the minister is an option in most denominations.)

Where are you doing photo shoots? Is there a place you could go to take pictures after the ceremony? Is there room for guests who want pictures and mingling time to come along for half an hour if they don't want to go back to the hotel?

Is there an option to set up light refreshments and talk to your guests OUTSIDE your venue for 30 minutes if they are busy tearing down another party and won't open the door? (Not ideal, obviously).

Is there room in your budget to hire something fun for an hour, like a historic shuttle or train tour of your local area? (Wagons, sleighs, something interesting?)

CallaLily25 · October 2013

After discussing the plans further my fiance, mom, and FMIL, we came up with the idea of setting up either a spot in the hotel where we are blocking rooms where very light refreshments and snacks will be served until it's time for guests to leave for the reception OR setting up an "open tab" at the bar in the hotel.

We found out that the church does not have Saturday night mass until 5:30pm, and we plan to do a receiving line and church exit (with bell instead of rice, flower petals, etc). The hotel is about 20 minutes away from the church and the reception venue is about 15 minutes away.

Though not ideal, I'm figuring the day will go something like this:

Full Catholic mass will run until about 4 pm. The receiving line and church exit will take about 30 minutes because we have over 200 guests. After the receiving line, my parents and my FI's parents will likely stay back and chat with those family members we haven't seen in a while. Those who are staying at the hotel (most of the guest list), will need to check in (check in at the hotel is 4pm). They will get to the hotel at about 4:45-4:50pm and will be given a welcome bag which will have "vouchers" for a drink at the bar and a drink at the coffee shop in the hotel. Shuttles will pick up the guests at 5:15 to bring them to the reception. Guests will have the option of going to the room in the hotel for light refreshments for 20 minutes, freshening up in their rooms, or using their vouchers until 5:15. Guests who are not staying at the hotel will be invited to come to the hotel for refreshments until 5:15. For guests who are staying at the hotel, the gap will be a total of (including travel time) 25 minutes from arrival at the hotel until shuttle pickup. Guests who are not staying at the hotel will have a gap of about 25-30 minutes and will be given the option of going to the hotel for drinks.

I really appreciate all of the many suggestions and advice! Like I said, I really don't want to be rude or annoy anyone. I have exhausted as many possibilities as I could. My church won't budge on the start time of the ceremony, and the very earliest that they will let me guests into the reception venue is 5:15, with food and drink beginning at 5:30. Choosing another reception hall would've been a great option if not for most of the venues in the area hosting two events per day and only allowing us to start at certain times. The only option for a ceremony time was 3pm, so we weren't able to even do an afternoon wedding. We aren't able to host anything at the church, unfortunately, but we won't be rushed out of there so guests can hang around and chat. I'm hoping offering the option of the hotel will help alleviate any of the guests discomfort or annoyance.

WWYD? Church ceremony question

Re: WWYD? Church ceremony question

Choose Another Board

Search Boards