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Drama is a Mother

peaches827peaches827 member
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in Moms and Maids
Okay brides (& grooms), I need advice: My parents have both been trying to help me plan my wedding this upcoming July. My mother and I have always have a strained relationship. She grew up with a lot less emotional and financial support from her parents and has always been sort of jealous of the opportunities I have graciously been given by my father and his side of the family. Without boring you with details, she has (I think subconsciencely) sabotaged every single wedding planning task that we have tried to work on together. My dad wants me to plan the wedding with him & a wedding planner & to leave my mother out of it. This would be the easiest option but it would be very hurtful to the already strained relationship i have with my mother. Although my parents are still married, they live very separate lives & told me today that they are waiting to separate and get divorced until after the wedding.

I am so confused on how to proceed planning from here. We already have deposits down on the band and photographer & my friends' mothers are already planning me a bridal shower. Still, I have this urge to just elope. I don't want my parents to stay unhappily together just because of the wedding. Maybe if we get married sooner, they can both move on sooner? I feel like if I plan the wedding with my dad, I will severely hurt my mom. If I plan it with my mom, I will fight tooth and nail to get anything accomplished & my dad will be disappointed. If we elope, we will hurt everyone who has tried to make this a positive experience. I know this is detailed, but has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you handle it? Thanks!
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Re: Drama is a Mother

  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    peaches827 said:
    Okay brides (& grooms), I need advice: My parents have both been trying to help me plan my wedding this upcoming July. My mother and I have always have a strained relationship. She grew up with a lot less emotional and financial support from her parents and has always been sort of jealous of the opportunities I have graciously been given by my father and his side of the family. Without boring you with details, she has (I think subconsciencely) sabotaged every single wedding planning task that we have tried to work on together. My dad wants me to plan the wedding with him & a wedding planner & to leave my mother out of it. This would be the easiest option but it would be very hurtful to the already strained relationship i have with my mother. Although my parents are still married, they live very separate lives & told me today that they are waiting to separate and get divorced until after the wedding. I am so confused on how to proceed planning from here. We already have deposits down on the band and photographer & my friends' mothers are already planning me a bridal shower. Still, I have this urge to just elope. I don't want my parents to stay unhappily together just because of the wedding. Maybe if we get married sooner, they can both move on sooner? I feel like if I plan the wedding with my dad, I will severely hurt my mom. If I plan it with my mom, I will fight tooth and nail to get anything accomplished & my dad will be disappointed. If we elope, we will hurt everyone who has tried to make this a positive experience. I know this is detailed, but has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you handle it? Thanks!
    You have my sympathies, you really do.

    I have an awesome relationship with my mother, so I'm not sure I'm going to be super-helpful, but I'll try.

    Can you do the "big" stuff (DJ, photog, venue, reception, caterer, alcohol, etc.) with your dad and wedding co-ordinator and then leave "little" stuff to your mom (flowers, centrepieces, favours, programmes, etc.)? Essentially -- divide the list into stuff you really want to have control over and do that with your dad, and then let the other stuff go to your mom. If it doesn't get done, well, that's OK.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
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    Can you work with your mom and the wedding planner as "padding" between you two?
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  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 member
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    What a horrible position your parents have put you in. Did they both tell you that they are waiting for your wedding to divorce? That seems cruel and manipulative to me.



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  • CLoGreenEyesCLoGreenEyes member
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    I am so sorry you've basically been put in the middle of your parents like this. That sucks and is a prime example of why "staying together for the kids" doesn't help anything.

    Are your parents the kind of people who would actually gain some insight if you sat down and explained what you just said to us? You don't have to go into the whole, "Mom, our relationship is kind of bad" part, but just to say, "The fact that you guys are essentially staying together for my wedding is very sad and stressful to me." Or would it pretty much fall on deaf ears?

    From what you've posted, it sounds like they are contributing financially as well as in helping to actually plan and make things for the wedding. Is there any way you can accept less help from either side and, as a PP said, save the less crucial tasks to work on with them?

    Finally, I certainly wouldn't blame you if you did decide to have a private ceremony with your FI and forgo the traditional wedding. The question is whether that would really make you happier or if it's a consolation prize for not dealing with your parents' drama.

    Again, so sorry you are dealing with this, that really isn't fair to you. *Hugs*
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  • allispainallispain member
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    kmmssg said:
    From a MOB POV - if I were unhappy in my marriage and had a child who was engaged, I also would wait until after the wedding to divorce.  Not to put them in the middle, but to make sure financial resources were available to help pay for their wedding (which we choose to do in our family).  I have also been divorced (25 yrs ago) and when you separate/divorce your financial picture does a big fat 180 because the money that used to support one household now has to support two and it would be almost impossible to pay for a wedding (at least for us) right after that has occured.
    I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe that is their thought process.

    My 4th DD gets married next Summer and I am Mama Bear/Lioness fierce about their weddings being what they want and that it follows their vision.  I would be devastated if I couldn't help them pay for it.  I'm guessing that your parents (at least Dad?) feel the same way too.

    My advice is this:  their divorce has nothing to do with you.  They are miserable, no longer in love, and feel it is time to call it quits.  WHEN they choose to follow through with that just might be based on their mutual love for you.  They want you to have the wedding you want and are doing what is necessary to make it happen.  That is what parents do when they love their kids.

    Do not put yourself in the middle.  Talk to Dad and tell him you are not going to cut mom out of the planning picture because it will hurt your relationship with her from now til eternity.  I do think HisGirlFriday's suggestion of doing the big stuff with Dad and the more girly froo-froo stuff with mom could be a great idea.  Be up front with both of them and let them know you realize they are divorcing, you love them both, but you expect them to do nothing that puts you in the middle of their issues.  Have that chat in the immediate future so you can put this to rest and plan the wedding you have been wanting.  

    My ex-h and I had one of the most civil divorces in history, we attended all programs, conferences, concerts, graduations, grandchildren's births together, with our respective spouses.  If our girls had been adults when we decided to divorce and one of them was engaged, we would have surely put the divorce on the back burner and stuck it out so it wouldn't affect her wedding.
    I think this is fantastic advice. 

    I really feel for you in having to deal with such an emotional situation right now (my parents got divorced two and a half years ago, not long before DH proposed). It was hard enough coping with some of the emotional overflow while planning my wedding - I can only imagine how much worse it must be knowing that a divorce is pending but that your wedding is the reason it isn't happening quite yet.

    You need to have a talk with them both about what the boundaries will be here - in your position, for example, I would say that while I understand they have come to the decision to divorce, I don't want to have to talk about it with them specifically because they put the onus on me to get married before it happens. Essentially, I would want them to know that I feel very uncomfortable being the reason that they are waiting, but it is their decision to make and if that is what they want to do then it is fine as long as I'm not being constantly reminded of it.

    Whatever else happens, please don't let your parents' decision take away from the excitement and happiness of your wedding day and the planning that goes into it!
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  • peaches827peaches827 member
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    I really appreciate everyone's advice! It is very comforting to know that other people have been through this. I will definitely keep my parents separate and delegate responsibilities to each of them. The bottom line is that I appreciate everything they both have done and are doing for me and I want them both to feel comfortable during this bittersweet time. Thanks again everyone!
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