wet vs Dry

GrrArgh · October 2013

I'm fully expecting some animosity from one side or another on this but I am coming to you all for advance. My FI and I do not drink, it's a religious practice we prefer to observe. My parents are hosting the reception in the honor of our wedding, a feat I am greatly greatly appreciative of. My Mother however is wanting to have an open bar, I don't really want a wet reception, but she's hosting the party so is insisting there be drinking. My FI and I have been to other receptions for other family members and it has always ended in tears and too much booze. We are trying to press for a dry reception, but my mom is determined to have the open bar. I assume there really isn't anything that can be done at this point other than to just let her have her party, and me and my (then husband) could just leave before everyone gets too sloshed to cause an issue.

vk2204 · October 2013

If your mother is paying, she gets the final decision. Like Lobster said, people are adults and they will do what they want. You will be having too much fun to notice!

MobKaz · October 2013

johnson.kmarie said:

I'm fully expecting some animosity from one side or another on this but I am coming to you all for advance. My FI and I do not drink, it's a religious practice we prefer to observe. My parents are hosting the reception in the honor of our wedding, a feat I am greatly greatly appreciative of. My Mother however is wanting to have an open bar, I don't really want a wet reception, but she's hosting the party so is insisting there be drinking. My FI and I have been to other receptions for other family members and it has always ended in tears and too much booze. We are trying to press for a dry reception, but my mom is determined to have the open bar. I assume there really isn't anything that can be done at this point other than to just let her have her party, and me and my (then husband) could just leave before everyone gets too sloshed to cause an issue.

You probably should have anticipated your mom's preference and declined her money. Since you did not, you really do not have much to say about the beverages served at the reception. Focus on enjoying your day rather than spend it judging and awaiting issues that may or may not happen. Don't waste your time and memories looking for trouble.

climbingsingle · October 2013

If you want a dry wedding, pay for it yourself. So what is some people get drunk? Why does that mean you have to leave early? I think the above poster said it best - why are you wasting your time worrying about something that might not even happen? Just enjoy the day.

Grabows14 · October 2013

agree with PPs. He who pays gets the say.

If you feel that it is crossing religious boundaries, then I would definitely object to having her pay for the wedding, and host it yourselves.

OliveOilsMom · October 2013

I agree with PP. Your mom is paying, so she gets a big say in how her money is spent. Could you ask her for a compromise and see if she can agree to only beer & wine? Then your fear of "people getting sloshed" could be reduced. Although I agree with Lobster that people are adults and if they get drunk, its on them and not a reflection of the B&G.

grumbledore · October 2013

I think mom gets a huge say because she is paying, however if this is a religious point of contention I am going to go against the crowd here and say she should be a little more respectful of your beliefs. If it is extremely important to you, then consider turning down the money and hosting a dry wedding on your own.

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

grumbledore said:

I think mom gets a huge say because she is paying, however if this is a religious point of contention I am going to go against the crowd here and say she should be a little more respectful of your beliefs. If it is extremely important to you, then consider turning down the money and hosting a dry wedding on your own.

I have to disagree. If this religious observation is a big enough sticking point for the OP, she needs to refuse mom's money and host so that they can observe it. Period. Mom can be understanding by saying "ok, don't drink if you don't want to.. there, you observed it. now, I'll have a glass of wine."

OP - if you don't want to drink, don't drink. Your mom probably wants a bar because other people like to have a drink at weddings. It doesn't mean they'll get "sloshed" and end up crying. That experience is not typical. Hire a bartender who will cut people off when they've had too much to drink. And if it makes you feel better, hire security in case things get out of hand. You don't need to leave your own wedding reception because people get drunk...

STARMOON44 · October 2013

It's rude for the bride and groom to leave conspicuously early. If you want a dry wedding, pay for it yourself. If not, you need to suck it up and deal.

cowgirl8238 · October 2013

grumbledore said:

I think mom gets a huge say because she is paying, however if this is a religious point of contention I am going to go against the crowd here and say she should be a little more respectful of your beliefs. If it is extremely important to you, then consider turning down the money and hosting a dry wedding on your own.

I understand where grumbledore is coming from... If you haven't already, I would sit down and talk to your mom about your feelings. If she still insists then you can either take her money and have the bar or you can decline all help and throw your wedding your way. In my experience I have seen once or twice people who have a little too much to drink at weddings, I guess some people don't know when to stop, and you can't help some people. If you are concerned Southernbelle offered two godds suggestions. GL!

kitty8403 · October 2013

Respecting beliefs goes both ways. While you do not drink for religious reasons, it would appear that not all of your guests share that belief, and that your mother disagrees. Her beliefs need to be respected, too, as does her position.

ETA: If you are taking money from others, then you are no longer the sole hostess of this party.

If this is a religious issue and you want a dry event, why not simply marry in your church? Venue choice sounds like a huge factor here.

Maggie0829 · October 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

grumbledore said:

I think mom gets a huge say because she is paying, however if this is a religious point of contention I am going to go against the crowd here and say she should be a little more respectful of your beliefs. If it is extremely important to you, then consider turning down the money and hosting a dry wedding on your own.

I have to disagree. If this religious observation is a big enough sticking point for the OP, she needs to refuse mom's money and host so that they can observe it. Period. Mom can be understanding by saying "ok, don't drink if you don't want to.. there, you observed it. now, I'll have a glass of wine."

OP - if you don't want to drink, don't drink. Your mom probably wants a bar because other people like to have a drink at weddings. It doesn't mean they'll get "sloshed" and end up crying. That experience is not typical. Hire a bartender who will cut people off when they've had too much to drink. And if it makes you feel better, hire security in case things get out of hand. You don't need to leave your own wedding reception because people get drunk...

I agree with this. If you and your FI want a dry wedding, then you should host it yourself.

daveANDkristen · October 2013

PPs have covered this, I just wanted to add a few things.

People tend to not expect alcohol/drink less of it during the day. Maybe you should consider having a daytime wedding, if you're not already.

Hire reputable bartenders who will not over-serve.

Your guests are there to see the B&G - it would be quite rude to leave very early.

AroundTheBlock · October 2013

If your mother is hosting the reception, then you and your husband are the guests of honour. As guests of honour, standard etiquette gives you relatively few special privileges, but one is that the hosts should show consideration of your concerns. Alas, it does not give you the privilege of enforcing that consideration if the hosts fail to grant it voluntarily.

However, standard etiquette does place certain obligations on a guest of honour. Other guests are not supposed to leave a party until after the guests of honour depart. So a good guest of honour eats her dinner, opens the dance floor with a first dance if invited to do so (normally the hosts do that themselves, but the hosts can defer to their guests of honour and at a parent-hosted wedding, normally do so,) perform any ceremonial tasks such as cake-cutting and bouquet throwing, and then leave. Early -- before any other guests start wishing that you would go so that they can follow suit.

That fits in quite well with your back-up plan, of letting people who are determined to intoxicate themselves do so in your absence.

You are actually very lucky to have a mother who is willing to take on all the responsiblities of hosting a reception for you. Don't let one disagreement, or even a few disagreements, mar your appreciation of her efforts. And don't forget to write her a thank-you - for - your - hospitality note the day after. It would be something that she will likely treasure for years.

daveANDkristen · October 2013

AroundTheBlock said:

If your mother is hosting the reception, then you and your husband are the guests of honour. As guests of honour, standard etiquette gives you relatively few special privileges, but one is that the hosts should show consideration of your concerns. Alas, it does not give you the privilege of enforcing that consideration if the hosts fail to grant it voluntarily.

However, standard etiquette does place certain obligations on a guest of honour. Other guests are not supposed to leave a party until after the guests of honour depart. So a good guest of honour eats her dinner, opens the dance floor with a first dance if invited to do so (normally the hosts do that themselves, but the hosts can defer to their guests of honour and at a parent-hosted wedding, normally do so,) perform any ceremonial tasks such as cake-cutting and bouquet throwing, and then leave. Early -- before any other guests start wishing that you would go so that they can follow suit.

That fits in quite well with your back-up plan, of letting people who are determined to intoxicate themselves do so in your absence.

You are actually very lucky to have a mother who is willing to take on all the responsiblities of hosting a reception for you. Don't let one disagreement, or even a few disagreements, mar your appreciation of her efforts. And don't forget to write her a thank-you - for - your - hospitality note the day after. It would be something that she will likely treasure for years.

This may well be the etiquette for a more traditional, afternoon ceremony followed by cake and punch. However, if the couple is having an hours-long evening reception with dancing and music, I would be surprised as a guest to see them leave very early (an hour or more prior to the reception's end). If the bride and groom cut out halfway through the reception, I would take that as a hint that the reception was over.

AddieCake · October 2013

I really wanted this to be a sex thread.

AroundTheBlock · October 2013

daveANDkristen said:This may well be the etiquette for a more traditional, afternoon ceremony followed by cake and punch. However, if the couple is having an hours-long evening reception with dancing and music, I would be surprised as a guest to see them leave very early (an hour or more prior to the reception's end). If the bride and groom cut out halfway through the reception, I would take that as a hint that the reception was over.

This is standard etiquette for any type of party. In most modern weddings the bride and groom are the hostess and host, and of course they must stay until the end of the evening to say goodnight to their guests. It is the price which comes with taking control of your own party. You cannot treat yourself as your own guest of honour, even at a wedding -- that is the same kind of self-centered entitlement that posters object to when girls hold what knotties refer to as a "PPD". Gracious is gracious; entitled is entitled. If you are lucky enough as bride and groom to be the guests-of-honour, then there is still a hostess there even after you make your grand get-away. The hostess, who stays until the last guest departs, can use her experience with social events to keep the party from dying prematurely. But the guests with early bedtimes or low tolerance for modern dance music, still get to compete for bouquets and garters, throw rice and old shoes, and wave goodbye as the new couple heads off for their future together.

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