Future step mother in law issues... How to handle her?

Re: Future step mother in law issues... How to handle her?

• kmmssg mod

  

  October 2013 edited October 2013

  Your FI is a much bigger problem than she is if he won't man up and rock the boat here.  Nothing will change until he steps up to the plate and has a boundaries and respect convo with them.

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• STARMOON44 member

  

  October 2013

  "". She never outright says anything to me, so I haven't had the opportunity to say something myself, she corners my FI when I'm not around and makes snide comments. "
  
  Well, then, why is he telling you about them? Is he 12? When someone says something rude about you to him, he needs to tell them "I wint be around you if you're going to talk about my fiancee like that" and then follow through. And there's no need to involve you in that process.

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• MobKaz member

  

  October 2013

  Devonshire22 said:

  I'd love some advice on this or perhaps just a future step-mother-in-law (FSMIL) pep talk to help me deal with this.

  My FSMIL really seems to dislike me. Like really dislike me. I'm honestly not sure why, FI can't figure it out either and we're both getting thoroughly fed up with her and her nasty attitude & remarks toward me. Unfortunately FI is a bit of a pushover and doesn't want to rock the boat so won't outright say anything to her.(not sure if it would help anyways)  FI needs to start standing up to his SM in a firm but civil way.

   He's talked to his dad about her and how the comments and bad attitude needs to stop but he just blows it off with the whole "oh y'know.. it's not that bad.". She never outright says anything to me, so I haven't had the opportunity to say something myself, she corners my FI when I'm not around and makes snide comments. Everything from saying that she thinks I'm keeping him away from them (he doesn't come & visit enough according to them) to me not liking his little brother, to thinking my job is a total joke. Seems that I can do no right with her. When we got engaged she made some really hurtful comments that took all of the excitement out of being newly engaged. (I was really, really upset) She's really uncomfortable to be around and luckily, we live a days drive away from them, so I don't have to deal with it often. 
  

  Except now that we are planning our wedding. Everything to do with her is like pulling teeth. Snide comments & criticism when it comes to trying to get addresses for invites,  (Give FSMIL a specific date for when the list is due.  If you do not receive the information, then you don't send out the invitations.  It becomes her problem, not yours.)  comments about how much we're spending, basically making us feel like we don't deserve a nice wedding or should just elope and save them the trouble of having to participate in the wedding. (Simply stop sharing wedding details with her.) I'm worried that as we get closer to the big day, it's just going to get worse and that her nasty comments will rear their ugly heads on our wedding day and really put a damper on things.

  Suggestions? Ideas? I'm just not sure how to deal with this without making things worse but I also don't want to have our day ruined by someone who's unsupportive and hurtful.

  
  

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• melbelleup member

  

  October 2013

  Devonshire22 said:

  I'd love some advice on this or perhaps just a future step-mother-in-law (FSMIL) pep talk to help me deal with this.

  My FSMIL really seems to dislike me. Like really dislike me. I'm honestly not sure why, FI can't figure it out either and we're both getting thoroughly fed up with her and her nasty attitude & remarks toward me. Unfortunately FI is a bit of a pushover and doesn't want to rock the boat so won't outright say anything to her.(not sure if it would help anyways) He's talked to his dad about her and how the comments and bad attitude needs to stop but he just blows it off with the whole "oh y'know.. it's not that bad.". She never outright says anything to me, so I haven't had the opportunity to say something myself, she corners my FI when I'm not around and makes snide comments. Everything from saying that she thinks I'm keeping him away from them (he doesn't come & visit enough according to them) to me not liking his little brother, to thinking my job is a total joke. Seems that I can do no right with her. When we got engaged she made some really hurtful comments that took all of the excitement out of being newly engaged. (I was really, really upset) She's really uncomfortable to be around and luckily, we live a days drive away from them, so I don't have to deal with it often. 

  Except now that we are planning our wedding. Everything to do with her is like pulling teeth. Snide comments & criticism when it comes to trying to get addresses for invites, comments about how much we're spending, basically making us feel like we don't deserve a nice wedding or should just elope and save them the trouble of having to participate in the wedding. I'm worried that as we get closer to the big day, it's just going to get worse and that her nasty comments will rear their ugly heads on our wedding day and really put a damper on things.

  Suggestions? Ideas? I'm just not sure how to deal with this without making things worse but I also don't want to have our day ruined by someone who's unsupportive and hurtful.

  Are they paying for the wedding? If so, I'd just go straight to talking to his dad since you seem to get along with him. If not, I wouldn't worry about including either one of them. FI really needs to talk to them; however, my FI's aunt HATES me always has... and for some reason she thinks her opinion matters (it's his only family left on that side of the family). My FI has talked to her numerous times, both before being engaged and after about how she treats me and comments she makes. It does nothing. I talk to my FMIL and FFIL about it as does FI and they just say yep.. that's how she is. She thoroughly upsets my FMIL a lot as well. My FI had to give her the ultimatum. Either be nice to me or he wasn't going to include her in his life anymore. Needless to say, she's a bit nicer to me, but still says rude comments about me that I of course get to over hear. I just let them roll off my back now. Honestly, I could be mean and not invite her to my wedding, but that would open a whole new can...soooo I'll just ignore her.
  
  
  

  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  October 2013

  I'm sorry she's treating you so poorly. I agree that your FI needs to speak up and shut that shit down. Next time she says something nasty about you to him, he needs to stop her and say, "Please don't speak like that about my future wife." That's it. He can't entertain it, you know? I also agree that you should speak with FI's dad. Maybe if you say something to him, you can get him to realize how her actions are affecting both of you. 

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  October 2013

  Your FI needs to stand up for you.  You are going to be his family now.  So you need to be his first priority.  Next time FSMIL corners him, he needs to stop her in his tracks and say "I don't care what you think of Devonshire22, but I love her.  I do not want to hear any more negative comments about her because we will stop coming over here and it will be your fault FSMIL, not Devonshire22."
  
  My H can be a bit of a pushover at times, but when it comes to me, he will firmly stand his ground against anyone.  When his mom showed up, uninvited, to my birthday celebration, he let her have it the next day.  There needs to be boundaries created and your FI needs to be the one who sets them.
  

  

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• AddieCake member

  

  October 2013

  Your fiance should tell her to shut the fuck up.

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• Grabows14 member

  

  October 2013

  Yea seriously. you really want to be with a guy who won't stick up for you?

  

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• Devonshire22 member

  

  October 2013

  Wow. wow. You guys kinda ran with the whole "boy you're fiancée is a gutless POS, why are you marrying him!". No that's not the case at all. Of course I can't add in all of the little details, there is a lot to the whole family dynamic but if I wrote it all out, I'd still be typing it. FI has talked to his dad a few times about her and like I said, he just totally blows it all off like it's no big deal.

  To answer a few questions - no they are not paying for anything. They haven't offered and I wouldn't accept it if they did anyways because I really don't want them to have any say in things.

  Trust me, I'm not sharing any details with them at all. I've told FI to please keep it on the quiet side with them as well because I don't want to be criticized by them. She just assumes because we are hosting a wedding, that we're spending too much. Or says multiple times how we should elope instead. The only thing I've asked of her is the addresses. She gave me all of the addresses of the people they liked and wanted to come but didn't give me the addresses of the people who they didn't like, including FI's grandparents... Of course when she sends the list back, we open it up and notice all of these comments about certain people and this or that.

  To sum it up, yes, I think FI is going to have to lay down the law.I am glad you guys kinda confirmed that it should be him and not me. I kinda think if I go tell her to stop being like that, it'll just make it worse.  He's one of those "nice guys" that never likes to say anything to anyone and kinda simmers at a low boil for a long time until he's finally bothered enough to say something. To clarify, he's not "acting like he's 12" by telling me, usually things happen kinda like this, we're at a family gathering, everybody visiting, I walk away to go do something, while I'm gone, she says something to FI, I come back and FI's whole mood has changed and I can tell he is PO'd and later on when we're alone, I ask him what's going on. And now, I can pretty much guess when it's something she's said. 

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• Jen4948 member

  

  October 2013

  
  

  Devonshire22 said:

  To sum it up, yes, I think FI is going to have to lay down the law.I am glad you guys kinda confirmed that it should be him and not me. I kinda think if I go tell her to stop being like that, it'll just make it worse.  He's one of those "nice guys" that never likes to say anything to anyone and kinda simmers at a low boil for a long time until he's finally bothered enough to say something. To clarify, he's not "acting like he's 12" by telling me, usually things happen kinda like this, we're at a family gathering, everybody visiting, I walk away to go do something, while I'm gone, she says something to FI, I come back and FI's whole mood has changed and I can tell he is PO'd and later on when we're alone, I ask him what's going on. And now, I can pretty much guess when it's something she's said. 

  Lots of guys are like that-for whatever reason, they are assertive, even aggressive, outside of family matters, but within their families they become unwilling to stand up and side with their wives or wives-to-be. 
  
  I think it would help if you two told FSMIL together (preferably with his father as a witness) that the snide remarks are to stop, period.  She doesn't have to like you, but she has to be respectful-even when you're not in the room.  If she's not willing to do that, she has to keep her mouth shut.  He has to make clear that there is to be no criticism of you behind your back, and that there will be consequences if she does.  In the meantime, you are correct to not discuss your wedding plans or any future plans with her.
  

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• MobKaz member

  

  October 2013

  @Devonshire22 said, " The only thing I've asked of her is the addresses. She gave me all of the addresses of the people they liked and wanted to come but didn't give me the addresses of the people who they didn't like, including FI's grandparents... Of course when she sends the list back, we open it up and notice all of these comments about certain people and this or that."

  
  

  
  

  I really empathize with you.  In a perfect world, since you are paying for the wedding, it would be great if you could say, "FSMIL, either give me ALL the addresses, or none will get sent out."  Unfortunately, we don't live in a perfect world.  As much as it is an additional hassle, is there any way you can get those addresses without her help?

  
  

  It sounds like it is time to sit down with you, FI, his dad and his wife and have a long chat. It will be awkward and miserable, but I always prefer to walk away with my principles intact and my peace said. 

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• Devonshire22 member

  

  October 2013

  She ended up giving us bits & pieces of addresses, I could tell she didn't put much of an effort into it but whatever. Yes we'll probably have to call up some other family members and ask them for addresses. It's not the end of the world, we just really didn't appreciate the little extra comments she left about certain people. So petty. ugh.

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• Dreamergirl8812 member

  

  October 2013

  I think the obvious solution here is to start popping out babies. Then withhold them from their grandparents until they show you some respect.
  
  
  Kidding. But that does make me wonder what she'll be like if you guys do have kids: "those diapers are too expensive," "you don't need an epidural," "your baby's name sucks" .......
  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  

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• Devonshire22 member

  

  October 2013

  LOL! Totally hilarious!

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