Wedding Etiquette Forum

Wasted guest...

There's a girl in my core group of closest friends from college who has a history of not eating enough and then drinking too much at social events, getting pretty drunk from this combination, then doing things that would embarrass both myself and the rest of is around her. I know many of us have has nights we drank too much, were perhaps embarrassing, etc. but in our group it is almost always her and someone else usually ends up feeling like they have to 'babysit.' Recently, she was a bm in a good friend's wedding...she didn't eat all day and them drank like a fish that night (she is also very tiny and possibly not over 100 pounds at 5'3.). By the end of the night, she couldn't walk straight and kept falling on the dance floor, so another friends husband was helping her, she then sat on his lap for about an hour while my friend got her water and food. After a few bites of food, she puked all over the linens on her table and then just sat there, too drunk to help with the cleanup as other guests stared. Those of us cleaning were frantically trying to make sure the bride and groom didn't see anything but there was such a mess they saw anyway. The next day, she acted like nothing had happened, when a friend brought it up she laughed and said she didn't really remember and weren't we all pretty drunk after all? She is a good friend and I want her at my wedding, but I don't want our families and other friends to think of our wedding and remember a wasted guest rather than the importance and fun of the day. I am planning to discuss it with her next weekend over lunch, but I have no idea what to say (or do I just invite her and take the risk or not invite her to avoid the risk and know ill be hurting her and possibly lose the friendship?). There was another wedding last year where she drank a little but not too much, acted fine and i was proud of her. Our group has tried multiple times over the years both individually and as a group to talk to get about this issue, but she's very proper and preppy and all about etiquette when not drinking and either tries to laugh it off or gets defensive and denies it happening or says she doesn't remember. But then this wedding where she acted like this was only last month, so I'm not sure what to do.

Re: Wasted guest...

  • There's a girl in my core group of closest friends from college who has a history of not eating enough and then drinking too much at social events, getting pretty drunk from this combination, then doing things that would embarrass both myself and the rest of is around her. I know many of us have has nights we drank too much, were perhaps embarrassing, etc. but in our group it is almost always her and someone else usually ends up feeling like they have to 'babysit.' Recently, she was a bm in a good friend's wedding...she didn't eat all day and them drank like a fish that night (she is also very tiny and possibly not over 100 pounds at 5'3.). By the end of the night, she couldn't walk straight and kept falling on the dance floor, so another friends husband was helping her, she then sat on his lap for about an hour while my friend got her water and food. After a few bites of food, she puked all over the linens on her table and then just sat there, too drunk to help with the cleanup as other guests stared. Those of us cleaning were frantically trying to make sure the bride and groom didn't see anything but there was such a mess they saw anyway. The next day, she acted like nothing had happened, when a friend brought it up she laughed and said she didn't really remember and weren't we all pretty drunk after all? She is a good friend and I want her at my wedding, but I don't want our families and other friends to think of our wedding and remember a wasted guest rather than the importance and fun of the day. I am planning to discuss it with her next weekend over lunch, but I have no idea what to say (or do I just invite her and take the risk or not invite her to avoid the risk and know ill be hurting her and possibly lose the friendship?). There was another wedding last year where she drank a little but not too much, acted fine and i was proud of her. Our group has tried multiple times over the years both individually and as a group to talk to get about this issue, but she's very proper and preppy and all about etiquette when not drinking and either tries to laugh it off or gets defensive and denies it happening or says she doesn't remember. But then this wedding where she acted like this was only last month, so I'm not sure what to do.
    First, please break that up into paragraphs next time.  It will make it much easier to read.

    Second, if your friend does this at ALL social events she's invited to.  Then I think she needs to stop being invited to social events. Or you need to have an intervention of sorts.  When she says, "doesn't everyone get drunk like that?"  you all tell her NO, it's just you who gets too out of hand.  Tell her as a group if her behavior at parties like this does not improve she will no longer be invited.
  • If you're complaining about her, it sounds like you don't want her there, so don't invite her. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • The bartenders at our wedding started cutting off the super-drunk guests. Both of our families and all of our friends are huge drinkers, and there were multiple open bars set up from cocktails 6:30-8 and reception 8-12. Some people can handle it and others can't- it sounds like your friend really can't. I'd invite your friend but not have other friends baby-sit her, it's not fair to them.  If you think her poor behavior in front of your family would really embarrass you then I'd consider not inviting her, but I'd definitely let her know why (feel free to cite multiple, specific examples, I know she doesn't remember but she should hear it anyway).  It sounds like she's in denial.  It's a touchy subject though, and a tough one to deal with- good luck!
  • I'd be torn too. If you invite her give the bartender a photo and let them know they may need to cut her off, and if she orders mixed drinks to make them weak from the get-go. Best of luck in deciding, I don't envy your position in this.
  • If you invite her I would definitly warn the bartender that she needs to be cut off.  However, it sounds more like you don't want her there and if her being there will cause you stress and anxiety on your wedding day then why invite her?  Its not fair to the others to make them babysit her either.  It is definitly a tough situation, but I think you need to sit her down and tell her exactly how bad her behaviour is.
  • It sounds like your friend is a binge drinker.  You and your friends are enabling her behavior by inviting her to those events and then holding her up, getting her food and water, cleaning up the puke, etc.  She isn't having to face the negative consequences of her actions because everyone cleans up her mess and then after the fact she can claim she doesn't remember.  Everyone needs to stop inviting her to events where there is alcohol and when she asks why you all need to be honest with her.   She isn't going to change until she sees a need for her to change.

    If she is truly blacking out that is a huge concern and your friend needs help.  
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  •   I will break this into paragraphs I promise (I sometimes forget this when my posts are done via iphone so sorry for that difficulty in reading!)

      She doesn't do it at ALL social events (ex. she acted fine at the wedding a year ao, but got too drunk at the wedding last month-when she and I go out together just the two of us, she can have a beer or two or wine or drink and is always fine.)  She's actually an extremely fun person when sober-thoughtful, funny, has good advice from fashion to work stress-and we've had lots of good times over the years.  So I DO want to invite her to the wedding-but want it to be the her that I know can act responsibly and appropriately in social events, not the her who gets so wasted she can't remember the next day what she did (I know I don't get to choose or dictate her behavior) but it is a frusturating situation and, as her friend, it can be heartbreaking/frusturating.

    Althugh it hurts to hear, I'm sure many of you are right that we are enabling her...but when we ignore her acting this way, people around us (ex. my friend's husband at the wedding who has only known her for a small amount of time) think that we are being callous friends who don't care about her.  We have had the group interventions, but maybe we just aren't firm enough unless we stop inviting her altogether?  We have suggested she get professional help, but she's an adult and we can't force her...I don't want to dictate her actions (at the wedding or other), but if I don't sit her down then it seems like my options are to just not invite her (which I don't want to do), or invite her and take my chances on her behavior (stress and anxiety I won't need).  I really do appreciate your help/responses!

     

  • edited October 2013
    I have concerns about my fiance's friend who frankly made an ass out of himself at the last wedding we went to. Not inviting him is not an option because they've been friends forever. I plan on making the bartenders aware of who he is and if there is a need to cut him off, to do so. That's all you can really do.
  • Well, I was told in this forum I had to invite a known drug user to my wedding because he is the boyfriend of someone I invited. He has passed out in public, drooled on himself, etc in my presence before and there is no way in HELL I am inviting him to my wedding. But he isn't my friend so I don't want him there and I don't have to put up with him, lol.
  •   I will break this into paragraphs I promise (I sometimes forget this when my posts are done via iphone so sorry for that difficulty in reading!)

      She doesn't do it at ALL social events (ex. she acted fine at the wedding a year ao, but got too drunk at the wedding last month-when she and I go out together just the two of us, she can have a beer or two or wine or drink and is always fine.)  She's actually an extremely fun person when sober-thoughtful, funny, has good advice from fashion to work stress-and we've had lots of good times over the years.  So I DO want to invite her to the wedding-but want it to be the her that I know can act responsibly and appropriately in social events, not the her who gets so wasted she can't remember the next day what she did (I know I don't get to choose or dictate her behavior) but it is a frusturating situation and, as her friend, it can be heartbreaking/frusturating.

    Althugh it hurts to hear, I'm sure many of you are right that we are enabling her...but when we ignore her acting this way, people around us (ex. my friend's husband at the wedding who has only known her for a small amount of time) think that we are being callous friends who don't care about her.  We have had the group interventions, but maybe we just aren't firm enough unless we stop inviting her altogether?  We have suggested she get professional help, but she's an adult and we can't force her...I don't want to dictate her actions (at the wedding or other), but if I don't sit her down then it seems like my options are to just not invite her (which I don't want to do), or invite her and take my chances on her behavior (stress and anxiety I won't need).  I really do appreciate your help/responses!

     

    I'm sorry, but if you guys have gotten to the level where you have had interventions/ asked her to get help, she has an alcohol problem. I also would not invite her. I'm not trying to sound harsh (I love my wine!) but vomiting at a wedding on a table and not being mortified is a serious cry for help.

    If she asks you why she wasn't invited, I would be blunt and say "I care about you and I think you are great when you are sober, but I cannot trust you to behave when you drink. I do not want a situation like x's at my wedding. I'm here for you when you decide to get help and for seeing you for sober events, but it is just too painful for me to watch you harm yourself so much by binge drinking". She may never talk to you again, but at least you will know that you actually tried to help her instead of ignoring, and in some cases enabling, the problem. It is so hard- I always try to rescue people, too- but sometimes you need to give tough love.  Maybe not being invited will be a wake up call for her.
  • katieg520 said:
    Well, I was told in this forum I had to invite a known drug user to my wedding because he is the boyfriend of someone I invited. He has passed out in public, drooled on himself, etc in my presence before and there is no way in HELL I am inviting him to my wedding. But he isn't my friend so I don't want him there and I don't have to put up with him, lol.
    It's okay not to invite someone but it's NOT okay to not invite the SO of an invited guest.
  • katieg520 said:
    Well, I was told in this forum I had to invite a known drug user to my wedding because he is the boyfriend of someone I invited. He has passed out in public, drooled on himself, etc in my presence before and there is no way in HELL I am inviting him to my wedding. But he isn't my friend so I don't want him there and I don't have to put up with him, lol.
    Inviting him is the right thing to do.  It doesn't mean you have to do it.  It sounds like you asked on here expecting everyone to agree with your choice and that didn't happen?
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  • katieg520 said:
    Well, I was told in this forum I had to invite a known drug user to my wedding because he is the boyfriend of my Maid of Honour. He has passed out in public, drooled on himself, etc in my presence before and there is no way in HELL I am inviting him to my wedding. But he isn't my friend so I don't want him there and I don't have to put up with him, lol.
    FTFY
    You should give people all the information instead of spinning it so we look like bad people.
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  • aefowler said:
    I have concerns about my fiance's friend who frankly made an ass out of himself at the last wedding we went to. Not inviting him is not an option because they've been friends forever. I plan on making the bartenders aware of who he is and if there is a need to cut him off, to do so. That's all you can really do.
    I am in the exact same situation. This guy was drinking out of flower vases at a wedding last summer and then threw up all over another guest's hotel bathroom. Not cool. We went to a wedding with him this summer though, and the groom came up to him before the reception and told him, politely but firmly, that the security guards would ask him to leave if he was causing problems. He behaved himself that night. I fully intend to give his photo to our bartender and tell them to feel free to cut him off if needed.
  • If you're not planning on inviting your MOH's boyfriend, I'm surprised you even still HAVE a MOH. I know I'd be dropping out of that wedding and out of that friendship if you did that to me.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • annathy03 said:
    I'd be torn too. If you invite her give the bartender a photo and let them know they may need to cut her off, and if she orders mixed drinks to make them weak from the get-go. Best of luck in deciding, I don't envy your position in this.
    This is what I was going to suggest.
  • Alcoholism and Addiction have taken the lives of more than one of my immediate family members.

    Bottom line - interventions don't work when you all start enabling afterward.  Interventions work when a.  the person  has hit rock bottom.  and b. The people around them stop enabling them and cut them out of their lives until they go to rehab, work on getting clean and sober.  As long as you guys keep going out with her, inviting her to functions where there will be alcohol, your interventions are  a waste of time.

    She has a serious problem.  Want to help her?  Stage an intervention and you ALL need to let her know she is only welcome in your lives if she is stone cold sober and then stick to it.  If you don't, you might as well hand her a beer because you are enabling her.

    It is hard to cut these people out, it feels like you are abandoning them.  Trust me, it is the only way.  She stays sober with you guys or she is out.
  • Have a dry wedding to accommodate your friend. 

    Just kidding. This doesn't sound like a conversation you should have with your friend --- I don't see it turning out well. You can either not invite her or invite her and hope for the best. 

    If all your guests only remember a drunk chick at your wedding, you're not doing something right in your planning. Lots of weddings have one or a few people who over-indulge in the party punch, so just smile and ignore if it ends up happening to you. 
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  • kristbot said:
    katieg520 said:
    Well, I was told in this forum I had to invite a known drug user to my wedding because he is the boyfriend of my Maid of Honour. He has passed out in public, drooled on himself, etc in my presence before and there is no way in HELL I am inviting him to my wedding. But he isn't my friend so I don't want him there and I don't have to put up with him, lol.
    FTFY
    You should give people all the information instead of spinning it so we look like bad people.
    Based on other threads, I am guessing she was the miller's daughter (Rumpelstiltskin) in a previous life.
  • mobkaz said:
    kristbot said:
    katieg520 said:
    Well, I was told in this forum I had to invite a known drug user to my wedding because he is the boyfriend of my Maid of Honour. He has passed out in public, drooled on himself, etc in my presence before and there is no way in HELL I am inviting him to my wedding. But he isn't my friend so I don't want him there and I don't have to put up with him, lol.
    FTFY
    You should give people all the information instead of spinning it so we look like bad people.
    Based on other threads, I am guessing she was the miller's daughter (Rumpelstiltskin) in a previous life.
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  • mobkaz said:
    kristbot said:
    katieg520 said:
    Well, I was told in this forum I had to invite a known drug user to my wedding because he is the boyfriend of my Maid of Honour. He has passed out in public, drooled on himself, etc in my presence before and there is no way in HELL I am inviting him to my wedding. But he isn't my friend so I don't want him there and I don't have to put up with him, lol.
    FTFY
    You should give people all the information instead of spinning it so we look like bad people.
    Based on other threads, I am guessing she was the miller's daughter (Rumpelstiltskin) in a previous life.
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    The miller told the king his daughter could spin straw into threads of gold in the fairy tale Rumpelstiltskin.  Katieg has had a tendency to "spin" many of her stories trying to justify her poor etiquette and bridezilla-like mentality.  Sorry for the random and obscure reference.  It hit my brain as soon as I saw "spinning" and I ran with it.  It's probably best I count to 10 before doing that again!

  • If you do decide to invite her, definitely talk to the bartenders and have them cut her off when necessary.  If they do have to cut her off, they should also call a cab and put her in it.  

    It sucks for the bartender, but sometimes part of the job is babysitting people.  None of your friends should have to take on that responsibility.  
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