How to politely turn down money?

Re: How to politely turn down money?

• JustNicki member

  

  October 2013

  First, you should probably have a talk with FI to get his opinion.  You guys are a team and if you calmly present how you feel about the FILs taking control, he will listen to you.  He may also know how to best decline his parents' offer.  In fact, it might be better if he is the one that lets them know; it won't be coming from you and so FILs won't hold you in contempt.  He could say something like "Mom and Dad, Inkdancer and I really appreciate your generous offer to gift us for the wedding, but we would like to host and pay for it ourselves.  We just want you to be our honored guests and celebrate with us."  If they keep insisting that they want to give a monetary gift, FI (NOT you) could direct it towards something besides the wedding-- like a honeymoon or down payment on a house.

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• annathy03 member

  

  October 2013 edited October 2013

  I'm not sure I have the wording right for you, but it should be your FI turning down his parent's offer.  Something like "Mom, Dad, Inkdancer and I appreciate you offering to help, but we aren't willing to treat my side of the family differently than hers, which means not inviting my side to the rehearsal or having an after party only for them.  I understand those are things you wanted but we aren't comfortable with that situation and have to decline your offer."

  
  

  ETA: I like PPs responses better, I must have been drafting when they posted.  But definately have FI talk to them, this shouldn't be your situation to deal with.

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  October 2013

  Inkdancer said:

  I know the saying... "He who pays has a say."
  
  My darling FI's parents offered to give us a $10,000 "gift" for our wedding. Now, however, they are trying to impose lots of things on us, such as inviting his entire side of the family to the rehearsal dinner (which would add an additional 45+ people, when our entire guest list is less than 90) and providing them with entertainment after the wedding, since our wedding will be over by 4 pm.
  
  I am not pleased with these demands. I also haven't accepted their money yet. How can I politely inform them that I am not interested in their money without really hurting them and FI?
  

  What type of ceremony does your FI want?  You say that it would hurt him to decline the money.  Why?  Does he want to have the same type of function as his parents are describing?  First, you and FI need to get on the same page.  If you decide to decline the money, FI should say, with you by his side: "Mom & Dad, we really appreciate your generous offer.  We have a different idea of the wedding festivities than you do unfortunetly, so we cannot accept your offer."
  

  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  October 2013

  If you ultimately decide to turn down their money, I think your FI should say to his parents, "Mom, Dad, thanks so much for offering to help pay for the wedding.  It was kind of you to offer, but in the interest of avoiding power struggles and arguments about who wants what, Inkdancer and I have decided to pay for the wedding ourselves."
  

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• AroundTheBlock member

  

  October 2013

  What are you willing to back down on, and let your future Mother-in-Law take control of? Greed for control looks just as unpleasant as greed for money. Traditionally the Mother-of-the-Groom has the right to host the rehearsal dinner -- and do it her way, setting her guest-list according to her preferences -- not just pay for it. It sounds like you don't want to yield her that privilege, and perhaps for good reason. The Mother of the Groom is supposed to restrain herself to make sure that her rehearsal dinner doesn't upstage the reception, and you suggest that she is not restraining herself that way.
  
  Still, you cannot stop her from offering after-wedding hospitality to guests once your wedding is over. You don't control the whole day, but only your part of it. This could be a future bone of contention between you, with her defying your wishes and snubbing your half of the family to hold an after-party for just her half of the family. Or, if you and your fiance find a way to engage her energies that you can tolerate, it could build your extended relationships with your fiance's extended family. Do some brainstorming with your fiance to decide what you can settle on.
  
  Maybe you can suggest that she host an elegant evening party for the two families after the wedding, which will be her premium opportunity for visiting with her family and that, since she will have that chance, that she also host the rehearsal dinner but limit it to just the wedding party and their partners. Might she go for that? -- and of course use all or some of the $10k for those two events. You wouldn't get (all) of the money, but you would not have to worry about hosting the rehearsal dinner yourselves, and you would have a happy Mother-in-Law.
  

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• doeydo member

  

  October 2013

  "Thank you so much for the generous offer, but FI and I have chosen to pay for the wedding ourselves."  and this should be your FI and yourself saying this.

  
  

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• Inkdancer member

  

  October 2013

  Thanks for all the suggestions! FI and I have been talking about it. We think we might have even come up with a good compromise: rehearsal in the morning, since it's a morning wedding, with only the WP in attendance. Then MIL can host her family the night before and give them whatever kind of nice dinner she wants.
  

  

  

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