Frustrated with BM

Re: Frustrated with BM

• KeptInStitches member

  

  October 2013

  I can understand being upset, but you're overreacting. If you cut back your expectations to getting the dress, showing up on time, and smiling for the pictures, you'll be happier. While it sucks that she's going to be late to your bridal shower, she is coming, and she doesn't have to come to your bridal shower or (potentially) bachelorette party. Also, I would stay out of any disagreements between your MOH and BM.

  

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• katieg520 member

  

  October 2013

  I know how you feel, but really there's nothing you can do. Sometimes people just don't have the priorities that you'd like for them to have. My MOH has hurt my feelings repeatedly, but I just have to move on. Just because it's my wedding doesn't mean it is important to her.
  

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  October 2013

  lauralee1723 said:

  So, my wedding is very small (34 people total, including FI and me, the bridal party, and the officiant who is a friend of ours) and I'm only having 2 attendants, my MOH and one BM. My MOH's mother is throwing me a shower tomorrow, and today I found out that my BM waited too long to get her shift covered at work, so she's going to be late. I admit that late is better than her not being there at all, but the fact that she's known what day and time the shower is going to be since September 18 and she waited until 2 days ago to see if someone can work for her really kind of hurts my feelings. I just feel like my wedding isn't that important to her.

  On top of this, some other friends of hers got married on 9/29, and she was not in that wedding but took an entire week off work to participate in all of their wedding events and to spend time with some other friends that were in from out of town for the wedding, and the week after our wedding, she's going to San Diego for a week to see these same friends. So she says she's having to work 12 days in a row to be able to make our wedding work, but our wedding is on a Sunday at 4:30 pm, and the rehearsal is that Saturday at 4:30 pm, and where she works is only open until 3 on Saturdays and 1 on Sundays, so it's not like she's having to take time off for those events, and I haven't asked her to. I'm pretty sure the real reason she's having to work 12 days in a row is because of the week that she took off in September and the week that she's taking off at the beginning of November. The shower tomorrow, at noon, is the only day I've asked her to make sure she's off, and it feels like she just couldn't be bothered. Also, for her friend's wedding 2 weeks ago, she asked one of her coworkers, a sweet little old lady who normally only works Monday-Friday because she's on oxygen, to work for her on Saturday so she could go to that bride's shower, so the fact that she wasn't even in that wedding and she was willing to do that for them just really hurts my feelings.

  Plus, my MOH does NOT like my BM, so I'm already dealing with tensions between them, and my MOH and I got in a huge fight the other day over the BM still being in the wedding after some drama we had a couple months ago (I used to work with her, got a better job and left, and she was mad at me for leaving), and I defended my BM as much as I possibly could, and now I feel like I shouldn't have done that because she's not even trying to be there for me. I really feel like I'm going to cry, and I don't even know if I really have a right to be upset, or if I'm just overly emotional/being a bridezilla. I'm not even mad though, honestly I'm just hurt, and I've talked to my BM a little bit about it but she's the kind of person who avoids confrontation at all costs, so she just keeps telling me she doesn't understand why I'm upset and that we'll talk about it later.

  Am I overreacting? Would you be upset?

  I think you need to stop comparing what your friend has done for your wedding and what she did for the other couples wedding.  You also need to realize that a shower is not a mandatory event that she has to attend.  All a BM has to do is buy the dress and show up sober, put together, and ready to smile for pictures the day of your wedding.

  
  

  Would it be nice if she was being more attentive to your wedding?  Sure, but just because she isn't does not make her a bad friend.

  
  

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• lauralee1723 member

  

  October 2013

  Maggie0829 said:

  lauralee1723 said:

  So, my wedding is very small (34 people total, including FI and me, the bridal party, and the officiant who is a friend of ours) and I'm only having 2 attendants, my MOH and one BM. My MOH's mother is throwing me a shower tomorrow, and today I found out that my BM waited too long to get her shift covered at work, so she's going to be late. I admit that late is better than her not being there at all, but the fact that she's known what day and time the shower is going to be since September 18 and she waited until 2 days ago to see if someone can work for her really kind of hurts my feelings. I just feel like my wedding isn't that important to her.

  On top of this, some other friends of hers got married on 9/29, and she was not in that wedding but took an entire week off work to participate in all of their wedding events and to spend time with some other friends that were in from out of town for the wedding, and the week after our wedding, she's going to San Diego for a week to see these same friends. So she says she's having to work 12 days in a row to be able to make our wedding work, but our wedding is on a Sunday at 4:30 pm, and the rehearsal is that Saturday at 4:30 pm, and where she works is only open until 3 on Saturdays and 1 on Sundays, so it's not like she's having to take time off for those events, and I haven't asked her to. I'm pretty sure the real reason she's having to work 12 days in a row is because of the week that she took off in September and the week that she's taking off at the beginning of November. The shower tomorrow, at noon, is the only day I've asked her to make sure she's off, and it feels like she just couldn't be bothered. Also, for her friend's wedding 2 weeks ago, she asked one of her coworkers, a sweet little old lady who normally only works Monday-Friday because she's on oxygen, to work for her on Saturday so she could go to that bride's shower, so the fact that she wasn't even in that wedding and she was willing to do that for them just really hurts my feelings.

  Plus, my MOH does NOT like my BM, so I'm already dealing with tensions between them, and my MOH and I got in a huge fight the other day over the BM still being in the wedding after some drama we had a couple months ago (I used to work with her, got a better job and left, and she was mad at me for leaving), and I defended my BM as much as I possibly could, and now I feel like I shouldn't have done that because she's not even trying to be there for me. I really feel like I'm going to cry, and I don't even know if I really have a right to be upset, or if I'm just overly emotional/being a bridezilla. I'm not even mad though, honestly I'm just hurt, and I've talked to my BM a little bit about it but she's the kind of person who avoids confrontation at all costs, so she just keeps telling me she doesn't understand why I'm upset and that we'll talk about it later.

  Am I overreacting? Would you be upset?

  I think you need to stop comparing what your friend has done for your wedding and what she did for the other couples wedding.  You also need to realize that a shower is not a mandatory event that she has to attend.  All a BM has to do is buy the dress and show up sober, put together, and ready to smile for pictures the day of your wedding.

  
  

  Would it be nice if she was being more attentive to your wedding?  Sure, but just because she isn't does not make her a bad friend.

  
  I know it's not a requirement, but she did RSVP that she would be there, and I'm just feeling a little bit let down. And I just feel like, since she is a bridesmaid, and she said she would be there, she should have tried a little harder to make it work. I know it doesn't make her a bad friend. Like I said, I just feel disappointed.

  

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  October 2013

  lauralee1723 said:

  
  

  I know it's not a requirement, but she did RSVP that she would be there, and I'm just feeling a little bit let down. And I just feel like, since she is a bridesmaid, and she said she would be there, she should have tried a little harder to make it work. I know it doesn't make her a bad friend. Like I said, I just feel disappointed.

  But she is going to be there.  She is just going to be a little late.  Not a big deal.
  

  
  

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• JCbride2015 member

  

  October 2013

  I know it's not a requirement, but she did RSVP that she would be there, and I'm just feeling a little bit let down. And I just feel like, since she is a bridesmaid, and she said she would be there, she should have tried a little harder to make it work. I know it doesn't make her a bad friend. Like I said, I just feel disappointed.

  I felt the same way about friends who declined my engagement party for reasons that (in my mind) were sort of lame, or friends who came extremely late for no reason at all other than they were running late. Yeah, it's true that those people have prioritized other stuff over you.  In the end I had a super fantastic time and was so grateful to those who threw/attended the party, the ones who weren't there were sort of non-issues at the time.  

  
  

  But I have to say, one close friend who did not come and just said, "prior commitment" with no explanation, I'm now questioning whether to ask her to be a BM.  Just posted in the Wedding Party board about that.  I understand it feels like it reflects on your friendship because... well, it does.  Just like if there were no wedding involved and it was your bday party or something.  That person isn't obligated to come to your bday party either, but it hurts when something else gets priority over you.  Just try to enjoy the shower and focus on those who can come, and be glad she can come at all even if she's late.
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  
  

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• lauralee1723 member

  

  October 2013

  I know it's not a requirement, but she did RSVP that she would be there, and I'm just feeling a little bit let down. And I just feel like, since she is a bridesmaid, and she said she would be there, she should have tried a little harder to make it work. I know it doesn't make her a bad friend. Like I said, I just feel disappointed.

  I felt the same way about friends who declined my engagement party for reasons that (in my mind) were sort of lame, or friends who came extremely late for no reason at all other than they were running late. Yeah, it's true that those people have prioritized other stuff over you.  In the end I had a super fantastic time and was so grateful to those who threw/attended the party, the ones who weren't there were sort of non-issues at the time.  

  
  

  But I have to say, one close friend who did not come and just said, "prior commitment" with no explanation, I'm now questioning whether to ask her to be a BM.  Just posted in the Wedding Party board about that.  I understand it feels like it reflects on your friendship because... well, it does.  Just like if there were no wedding involved and it was your bday party or something.  That person isn't obligated to come to your bday party either, but it hurts when something else gets priority over you.  Just try to enjoy the shower and focus on those who can come, and be glad she can come at all even if she's late.
  

  Exactly! Just a crappy feeling. But I do need to remind myself that she IS coming, even if she is going to be late. Thanks

  

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