Etiquette

Frustrated with BM

I posted this in Wedding Party too, but I know there tends to be more activity in here so I'm posting here too.

So, my wedding is very small (34 people total, including FI and me, the bridal party, and the officiant who is a friend of ours) and I'm only having 2 attendants, my MOH and one BM. My MOH's mother is throwing me a shower tomorrow, and today I found out that my BM waited too long to get her shift covered at work, so she's going to be late. I admit that late is better than her not being there at all, but the fact that she's known what day and time the shower is going to be since September 18 and she waited until 2 days ago to see if someone can work for her really kind of hurts my feelings. I just feel like my wedding isn't that important to her.

On top of this, some other friends of hers got married on 9/29, and she was not in that wedding but took an entire week off work to participate in all of their wedding events and to spend time with some other friends that were in from out of town for the wedding, and the week after our wedding, she's going to San Diego for a week to see these same friends. So she says she's having to work 12 days in a row to be able to make our wedding work, but our wedding is on a Sunday at 4:30 pm, and the rehearsal is that Saturday at 4:30 pm, and where she works is only open until 3 on Saturdays and 1 on Sundays, so it's not like she's having to take time off for those events, and I haven't asked her to. I'm pretty sure the real reason she's having to work 12 days in a row is because of the week that she took off in September and the week that she's taking off at the beginning of November. The shower tomorrow, at noon, is the only day I've asked her to make sure she's off, and it feels like she just couldn't be bothered. Also, for her friend's wedding 2 weeks ago, she asked one of her coworkers, a sweet little old lady who normally only works Monday-Friday because she's on oxygen, to work for her on Saturday so she could go to that bride's shower, so the fact that she wasn't even in that wedding and she was willing to do that for them just really hurts my feelings.

Plus, my MOH does NOT like my BM, so I'm already dealing with tensions between them, and my MOH and I got in a huge fight the other day over the BM still being in the wedding after some drama we had a couple months ago (I used to work with her, got a better job and left, and she was mad at me for leaving), and I defended my BM as much as I possibly could, and now I feel like I shouldn't have done that because she's not even trying to be there for me. I really feel like I'm going to cry, and I don't even know if I really have a right to be upset, or if I'm just overly emotional/being a bridezilla. I'm not even mad though, honestly I'm just hurt, and I've talked to my BM a little bit about it but she's the kind of person who avoids confrontation at all costs, so she just keeps telling me she doesn't understand why I'm upset and that we'll talk about it later.

Am I overreacting? Would you be upset?

Anniversary

Re: Frustrated with BM

  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You're overreacting.  I'd be bummed, but it's no big deal in the grand scheme of things.  They shouldn't be required to attend any events.  Your MOH needs to get a grip. 
    BostonLilly12CLoGreenEyesVivandiere8Blue_Bird
  • I have to say, I'd be hurt if someone who agreed to be in my wedding and was a good friend of mine didn't care enough to come to a wedding shower of mine. I am of a different opinion than the rest of the people on this board though. Where I'm from, if you're in someone's wedding, then it's expected that you attend the events related to the wedding. So if someone in my wedding party didn't, it would be obvious and people would ask "where is she?" etc....

    lauralee1723ei34loca4pookAroundTheBlock
  • You are overreacting. As is repeated on this forum again and again, the only duties of a member of a wedding party are to show up on time, in the right attire, and sober. As long as she has her dress and knows when she must be there on the wedding day, that's all she NEEDS to do.

    That being said, I would certainly share your frustration over her behavior. Obviously she is struggling to juggle priorities. However, while you can judge all you want in your head, you cannot say anything. Believe it or not, this wedding is not nearly as important to her (or anyone else for that matter) as it is to you and your fiance. While it might currently be the center of your universe, it isn't the center of hers. Try to be understanding and appreciative for the committment she has made even though that may be hard.

    MNVegas
  • I posted this in Wedding Party too, but I know there tends to be more activity in here so I'm posting here too.

    So, my wedding is very small (34 people total, including FI and me, the bridal party, and the officiant who is a friend of ours) and I'm only having 2 attendants, my MOH and one BM. My MOH's mother is throwing me a shower tomorrow, and today I found out that my BM waited too long to get her shift covered at work, so she's going to be late. I admit that late is better than her not being there at all, but the fact that she's known what day and time the shower is going to be since September 18 and she waited until 2 days ago to see if someone can work for her really kind of hurts my feelings. I just feel like my wedding isn't that important to her.

    On top of this, some other friends of hers got married on 9/29, and she was not in that wedding but took an entire week off work to participate in all of their wedding events and to spend time with some other friends that were in from out of town for the wedding, and the week after our wedding, she's going to San Diego for a week to see these same friends. So she says she's having to work 12 days in a row to be able to make our wedding work, but our wedding is on a Sunday at 4:30 pm, and the rehearsal is that Saturday at 4:30 pm, and where she works is only open until 3 on Saturdays and 1 on Sundays, so it's not like she's having to take time off for those events, and I haven't asked her to. I'm pretty sure the real reason she's having to work 12 days in a row is because of the week that she took off in September and the week that she's taking off at the beginning of November. The shower tomorrow, at noon, is the only day I've asked her to make sure she's off, and it feels like she just couldn't be bothered. Also, for her friend's wedding 2 weeks ago, she asked one of her coworkers, a sweet little old lady who normally only works Monday-Friday because she's on oxygen, to work for her on Saturday so she could go to that bride's shower, so the fact that she wasn't even in that wedding and she was willing to do that for them just really hurts my feelings.

    Plus, my MOH does NOT like my BM, so I'm already dealing with tensions between them, and my MOH and I got in a huge fight the other day over the BM still being in the wedding after some drama we had a couple months ago (I used to work with her, got a better job and left, and she was mad at me for leaving), and I defended my BM as much as I possibly could, and now I feel like I shouldn't have done that because she's not even trying to be there for me. I really feel like I'm going to cry, and I don't even know if I really have a right to be upset, or if I'm just overly emotional/being a bridezilla. I'm not even mad though, honestly I'm just hurt, and I've talked to my BM a little bit about it but she's the kind of person who avoids confrontation at all costs, so she just keeps telling me she doesn't understand why I'm upset and that we'll talk about it later.

    Am I overreacting? Would you be upset?

    And?  It's not her responsibility to be 100% focused on your wedding.  She can do whatever she wants with her time, and her job is more important than your bridal shower.

    Chill out.

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  • katieg520 said:
    I have to say, I'd be hurt if someone who agreed to be in my wedding and was a good friend of mine didn't care enough to come to a wedding shower of mine. I am of a different opinion than the rest of the people on this board though. Where I'm from, if you're in someone's wedding, then it's expected that you attend the events related to the wedding. So if someone in my wedding party didn't, it would be obvious and people would ask "where is she?" etc....
    This is bad advice OP.  Just take a deep breath and let your BM live her life.  She doesn't have to be focused on your wedding until the day of the wedding.

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  • lauralee1723lauralee1723 member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2013
    katieg520 said:
    I have to say, I'd be hurt if someone who agreed to be in my wedding and was a good friend of mine didn't care enough to come to a wedding shower of mine. I am of a different opinion than the rest of the people on this board though. Where I'm from, if you're in someone's wedding, then it's expected that you attend the events related to the wedding. So if someone in my wedding party didn't, it would be obvious and people would ask "where is she?" etc....

    That's how I thought it was too... every time I've been in a wedding, I've been at everything wedding related. But the thing that really hurts me the most is that she was willing to put so much effort into the other wedding, that she wasn't in, but she doesn't seem willing to do it for me. And we were really close friends, I asked her to be my bridesmaid 2 years before I was even engaged, I just knew I'd want her there whenever the time came. But we haven't been as close the past couple of months, because of that argument I referenced in my original post. I would just hate to think something as stupid as me changing jobs would be the reason that my wedding is less important to her now.
    Anniversary
  • katieg520 said:
    I have to say, I'd be hurt if someone who agreed to be in my wedding and was a good friend of mine didn't care enough to come to a wedding shower of mine. I am of a different opinion than the rest of the people on this board though. Where I'm from, if you're in someone's wedding, then it's expected that you attend the events related to the wedding. So if someone in my wedding party didn't, it would be obvious and people would ask "where is she?" etc....

    That's how I thought it was too... every time I've been in a wedding, I've been at everything wedding related. But the thing that really hurts me the most is that she was willing to put so much effort into the other wedding, that she wasn't in, but she doesn't seem willing to do it for me. And we were really close friends, I asked her to be my bridesmaid 2 years before I was even engaged, I just knew I'd want her there whenever the time came. But we haven't been as close the past couple of months, because of that argument I referenced in my original post. I would just hate to think something as stupid as me changing jobs would be the reason that my wedding is less important to her now.
    I totally understand. I have come to realize that maybe in different parts of the country different things are expected of the wedding party. I have received a lot of hate and ugly comments because I vented about my MOH not participating etc. It's whatever. I know how things are and who I am. I am not a bridezilla and I'm not expecting my MOH or BP to do anything they shouldn't do or haven't offered to do. But whatever... I think it's more hurtful when your FRIEND cant be or won't be excited for you.

    lauralee1723AroundTheBlock
  • katieg520 said:
    katieg520 said:
    I have to say, I'd be hurt if someone who agreed to be in my wedding and was a good friend of mine didn't care enough to come to a wedding shower of mine. I am of a different opinion than the rest of the people on this board though. Where I'm from, if you're in someone's wedding, then it's expected that you attend the events related to the wedding. So if someone in my wedding party didn't, it would be obvious and people would ask "where is she?" etc....

    That's how I thought it was too... every time I've been in a wedding, I've been at everything wedding related. But the thing that really hurts me the most is that she was willing to put so much effort into the other wedding, that she wasn't in, but she doesn't seem willing to do it for me. And we were really close friends, I asked her to be my bridesmaid 2 years before I was even engaged, I just knew I'd want her there whenever the time came. But we haven't been as close the past couple of months, because of that argument I referenced in my original post. I would just hate to think something as stupid as me changing jobs would be the reason that my wedding is less important to her now.
    I totally understand. I have come to realize that maybe in different parts of the country different things are expected of the wedding party. I have received a lot of hate and ugly comments because I vented about my MOH not participating etc. It's whatever. I know how things are and who I am. I am not a bridezilla and I'm not expecting my MOH or BP to do anything they shouldn't do or haven't offered to do. But whatever... I think it's more hurtful when your FRIEND cant be or won't be excited for you.
    You're wrong.  Rude brides everywhere have demands and expectations for their wedding party.  Gracious brides do not.  It has absolutely zip to do with location.

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  • WAY over reacting. I'm a BM in my FSIL's wedding. She knew up front when she asked me to be a BM there was NO way I'd attend the shower because 1. I live 8 hours away so to go I'd have to request Friday off as well and 2. My wedding and shower is the same time frame as hers and 3. I have a shower planned the weekend before which is also my bday weekend and when we're getting our marriage license. She still wanted me as a BM... She still knows I will be there sober on her wedding day in a dress she wants (and that being said, I plan to attempt to make it to BM dress shopping as well)
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  • katieg520 said:
    I have to say, I'd be hurt if someone who agreed to be in my wedding and was a good friend of mine didn't care enough to come to a wedding shower of mine. I am of a different opinion than the rest of the people on this board though. Where I'm from, if you're in someone's wedding, then it's expected that you attend the events related to the wedding. So if someone in my wedding party didn't, it would be obvious and people would ask "where is she?" etc....
    This is bad advice OP.  Just take a deep breath and let your BM live her life.  She doesn't have to be focused on your wedding until the day of the wedding.
    So, I know it's not a requirement that BMs attend showers, but she did RSVP yes 2 weeks ago, and she still waited until the last minute to get her shift covered. At the very least, she should stick to her word, bridesmaid or not. The fact that she is a BM is just what makes it a little more hurtful to me.
    Anniversary
    ei34ashleyep
  • lauralee1723lauralee1723 member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2013
    katieg520 said:
    I have to say, I'd be hurt if someone who agreed to be in my wedding and was a good friend of mine didn't care enough to come to a wedding shower of mine. I am of a different opinion than the rest of the people on this board though. Where I'm from, if you're in someone's wedding, then it's expected that you attend the events related to the wedding. So if someone in my wedding party didn't, it would be obvious and people would ask "where is she?" etc....

    That's how I thought it was too... every time I've been in a wedding, I've been at everything wedding related. But the thing that really hurts me the most is that she was willing to put so much effort into the other wedding, that she wasn't in, but she doesn't seem willing to do it for me. And we were really close friends, I asked her to be my bridesmaid 2 years before I was even engaged, I just knew I'd want her there whenever the time came. But we haven't been as close the past couple of months, because of that argument I referenced in my original post. I would just hate to think something as stupid as me changing jobs would be the reason that my wedding is less important to her now.
    This is the problem. You shouldn't ask someone that far in advance EVER! Even if you were engaged already. Obviously relationship change, and no one can commit to something that far in advance, because they don't know what their financial situation, living situation, etc. will be that far ahead of time. You should never ask someone more than 9 or 10 months in advance IMO.

    You need to let her do her own thing. Whether or not it is a "standard" of attendants in your area to attend all bridal events, does not mean it should ever be a requirement. Maybe she really needs the money and didn't want to take off of work and was too embarrassed to tell you. Regardless, it's not a requirement, and you shouldn't be upset. And I know you mentioned issues between your BM and MOH. Whatever you do, don't talk about one friend to another. It's never good.
    Well I mean it wasn't like I gave her a little card with a cute little poem that said, "Will you be my bridesmaid?", but we were at my birthday party and I told her, "when I get married, I want you to be a bridesmaid!" so ever since then it's just kind of been understood. When I got engaged I asked her if she still wanted to do that, and she said of course. So I definitely see your point but I just wanted to clarify a little.
    Anniversary
  • I posted this in Wedding Party too, but I know there tends to be more activity in here so I'm posting here too.

    So, my wedding is very small (34 people total, including FI and me, the bridal party, and the officiant who is a friend of ours) and I'm only having 2 attendants, my MOH and one BM. My MOH's mother is throwing me a shower tomorrow, and today I found out that my BM waited too long to get her shift covered at work, so she's going to be late. I admit that late is better than her not being there at all, but the fact that she's known what day and time the shower is going to be since September 18 and she waited until 2 days ago to see if someone can work for her really kind of hurts my feelings. I just feel like my wedding isn't that important to her.

    On top of this, some other friends of hers got married on 9/29, and she was not in that wedding but took an entire week off work to participate in all of their wedding events and to spend time with some other friends that were in from out of town for the wedding, and the week after our wedding, she's going to San Diego for a week to see these same friends. So she says she's having to work 12 days in a row to be able to make our wedding work, but our wedding is on a Sunday at 4:30 pm, and the rehearsal is that Saturday at 4:30 pm, and where she works is only open until 3 on Saturdays and 1 on Sundays, so it's not like she's having to take time off for those events, and I haven't asked her to. I'm pretty sure the real reason she's having to work 12 days in a row is because of the week that she took off in September and the week that she's taking off at the beginning of November. The shower tomorrow, at noon, is the only day I've asked her to make sure she's off, and it feels like she just couldn't be bothered. Also, for her friend's wedding 2 weeks ago, she asked one of her coworkers, a sweet little old lady who normally only works Monday-Friday because she's on oxygen, to work for her on Saturday so she could go to that bride's shower, so the fact that she wasn't even in that wedding and she was willing to do that for them just really hurts my feelings.

    Plus, my MOH does NOT like my BM, so I'm already dealing with tensions between them, and my MOH and I got in a huge fight the other day over the BM still being in the wedding after some drama we had a couple months ago (I used to work with her, got a better job and left, and she was mad at me for leaving), and I defended my BM as much as I possibly could, and now I feel like I shouldn't have done that because she's not even trying to be there for me. I really feel like I'm going to cry, and I don't even know if I really have a right to be upset, or if I'm just overly emotional/being a bridezilla. I'm not even mad though, honestly I'm just hurt, and I've talked to my BM a little bit about it but she's the kind of person who avoids confrontation at all costs, so she just keeps telling me she doesn't understand why I'm upset and that we'll talk about it later.

    Am I overreacting? Would you be upset?

    I just want to know what the correlation is regarding the bolded...

    Anyway apparently katieg did not notice where OP said her BM is going to be late to the shower, not missing it entirely.  Not to mention that BM duties have nothing to do with what part of the country you're in.  It's quite common for bridesmaids to help with wedding details and throw pre-wedding parties - the thing is though, these are nice gestures and should be acknowledged as such.  They are not requirements of being a bridesmaid.  I wanted those closest to me to be my bridesmaids, regardless how much money or time I thought they would want to spend on me.

    OP Unfortunately we can't tell you why your BM seems less interested in your wedding than she did the wedding last month.  Maybe you quitting your old job has put more stress on her somehow or has put her in an awkward position.  Or maybe you have just been growing apart?  These are things we can't answer.

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  • I posted this in Wedding Party too, but I know there tends to be more activity in here so I'm posting here too.

    So, my wedding is very small (34 people total, including FI and me, the bridal party, and the officiant who is a friend of ours) and I'm only having 2 attendants, my MOH and one BM. My MOH's mother is throwing me a shower tomorrow, and today I found out that my BM waited too long to get her shift covered at work, so she's going to be late. I admit that late is better than her not being there at all, but the fact that she's known what day and time the shower is going to be since September 18 and she waited until 2 days ago to see if someone can work for her really kind of hurts my feelings. I just feel like my wedding isn't that important to her. Nobody cares as much about a wedding as the bride does. Not what you want to hear, I know, but it's true.

    On top of this, some other friends of hers got married on 9/29, and she was not in that wedding but took an entire week off work to participate in all of their wedding events and to spend time with some other friends that were in from out of town for the wedding, and the week after our wedding, she's going to San Diego for a week to see these same friends. So she says she's having to work 12 days in a row to be able to make our wedding work, but our wedding is on a Sunday at 4:30 pm, and the rehearsal is that Saturday at 4:30 pm, and where she works is only open until 3 on Saturdays and 1 on Sundays, so it's not like she's having to take time off for those events, and I haven't asked her to. I'm pretty sure the real reason she's having to work 12 days in a row is because of the week that she took off in September and the week that she's taking off at the beginning of November.  You should be focusing on the commitment that you're about to make to your FI and the excitement of starting a life together, not your BM's work schedule. The shower tomorrow, at noon, is the only day I've asked her to make sure she's off, and it feels like she just couldn't be bothered. Also, for her friend's wedding 2 weeks ago, she asked one of her coworkers, a sweet little old lady who normally only works Monday-Friday because she's on oxygen, to work for her on Saturday so she could go to that bride's shower, so the fact that she wasn't even in that wedding and she was willing to do that for them just really hurts my feelings.

    Plus, my MOH does NOT like my BM, so I'm already dealing with tensions between them, and my MOH and I got in a huge fight the other day over the BM still being in the wedding after some drama we had a couple months ago (I used to work with her, got a better job and left, and she was mad at me for leaving), and I defended my BM as much as I possibly could, and now I feel like I shouldn't have done that because she's not even trying to be there for me. I really feel like I'm going to cry, and I don't even know if I really have a right to be upset, or if I'm just overly emotional/being a bridezilla. I'm not even mad though, honestly I'm just hurt, and I've talked to my BM a little bit about it but she's the kind of person who avoids confrontation at all costs, so she just keeps telling me she doesn't understand why I'm upset and that we'll talk about it later.

    Am I overreacting? Would you be upset? It all goes back to the first thing bolded: no one cares about your wedding (and related events) as much as you do.  She's doing the best she can with her circumstances to make it to your shower.  She's not blowing you off; she's just going to be a little late.  Not a big deal.  Relax and enjoy this time.

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  • @daveANDkristen I just wanted to show how much of an effort she put in to getting her shift covered for the other wedding. When everyone else said no, they can't work for her, she asked someone who had to bring an oxygen tank to work just so she could be a part of that shower. To me that means you must really want to be somewhere.
    Anniversary
  • @daveANDkristen I just wanted to show how much of an effort she put in to getting her shift covered for the other wedding. When everyone else said no, they can't work for her, she asked someone who had to bring an oxygen tank to work just so she could be a part of that shower. To me that means you must really want to be somewhere.

    Right, but you said the lady works M-F because she's on Oxygen.  Just didn't make sense to me what her schedule has to do with her being on Oxygen.  Anyway, maybe your BM tried to switch with that lady for your shower too but the lady couldn't? 
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  • lauralee1723lauralee1723 member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2013
    @daveANDkristen I just wanted to show how much of an effort she put in to getting her shift covered for the other wedding. When everyone else said no, they can't work for her, she asked someone who had to bring an oxygen tank to work just so she could be a part of that shower. To me that means you must really want to be somewhere.

    Right, but you said the lady works M-F because she's on Oxygen.  Just didn't make sense to me what her schedule has to do with her being on Oxygen.  Anyway, maybe your BM tried to switch with that lady for your shower too but the lady couldn't? 


    Oh, because she takes her oxygen off while she's at work, so her doctor wants her working as little as possible.

    ETA: Good point that she might have asked her. I hadn't thought of that. I am trying to calm myself down and just be glad she can come at all :)

    Anniversary

  • Oh, because she takes her oxygen off while she's at work, so her doctor wants her working as little as possible.

    ETA: Good point that she might have asked her. I hadn't thought of that. I am trying to calm myself down and just be glad she can come at all :)

    It can be disappointing, in any situation, if a friend does not seem to value you as much as you value them.  However, I will be the first to tell you that it is annoying as shit when you have a friend who is suddenly all "me me me" and says "my wedding" roughly 5 times per minute in any given conversation.  I'm not saying that you do this, I'm just saying that I have been at times less than thrilled to be a bridesmaid when faced with this type of bride.  Make sure you are being a good friend to her, with regard to the wedding or not.  If she is worth remaining friends with, she will be a good friend to you in return.  It really shouldn't impact your day even a little bit if your BM is late to your shower.  Really think about how silly that sounds. 
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  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    What I'm getting from this post is that your MOH needs to stop spewing vitriol about your BM to you because it's only adding to your stress load.  Next time it comes up, I suggest a subject change.  Perhaps your BM has something going on in her life or work that is distracting her and she merely forgot about getting time off or didn't realize it was coming up so quickly or something.  She is human and at least she'll only be late, not missing it entirely.  Just focus on marrying your FI (think happy thoughts...)

  • @daveANDkristen Yeah, you're right, I'm being pretty silly :)

    @TheFutureMrsRohlman22 That's what FI said too, he said I need to stop letting my MOH get to me. I need to just let her know that I understand she doesn't like BM, but she's my friend, so I would appreciate it if she would not talk about her that way.

    Anniversary
  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    @daveANDkristen Yeah, you're right, I'm being pretty silly :)

    @TheFutureMrsRohlman22 That's what FI said too, he said I need to stop letting my MOH get to me. I need to just let her know that I understand she doesn't like BM, but she's my friend, so I would appreciate it if she would not talk about her that way.

    Your FI sounds like a smart man... :)

    daveANDkristen
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited October 2013
    Is it possible that you and your BM don't have many other mutual friends whereas this other wedding had lots of her friends, maybe some she didn't get to see as often?
    If that's the case... it's just a pretty simple reality that in 90% of cases, events are going to be more fun when you have lots of friends at them vs ones where you know very few people. If that's the case, she might have put more effort into those events, not because she doesn't think you are important, but rather because it was a special opportunity to see several of her friends and she wanted to take it.

    But maybe I misread the situation.


    Either way, your disappointment is understandable, but odds are she has reasons and circumstances for the choices she made. Her coming to the shower at all is nice since it isn't required, especially if she's coming straight from work. Try to enjoy the time she does spend with you. And regardless of what happens with your BM, you're getting married soon! And she'll be by your side when you do.
    jendemeyer
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    katieg520 said:
    katieg520 said:
    I have to say, I'd be hurt if someone who agreed to be in my wedding and was a good friend of mine didn't care enough to come to a wedding shower of mine. I am of a different opinion than the rest of the people on this board though. Where I'm from, if you're in someone's wedding, then it's expected that you attend the events related to the wedding. So if someone in my wedding party didn't, it would be obvious and people would ask "where is she?" etc....

    That's how I thought it was too... every time I've been in a wedding, I've been at everything wedding related. But the thing that really hurts me the most is that she was willing to put so much effort into the other wedding, that she wasn't in, but she doesn't seem willing to do it for me. And we were really close friends, I asked her to be my bridesmaid 2 years before I was even engaged, I just knew I'd want her there whenever the time came. But we haven't been as close the past couple of months, because of that argument I referenced in my original post. I would just hate to think something as stupid as me changing jobs would be the reason that my wedding is less important to her now.
    I totally understand. I have come to realize that maybe in different parts of the country different things are expected of the wedding party. I have received a lot of hate and ugly comments because I vented about my MOH not participating etc. It's whatever. I know how things are and who I am. I am not a bridezilla and I'm not expecting my MOH or BP to do anything they shouldn't do or haven't offered to do. But whatever... I think it's more hurtful when your FRIEND cant be or won't be excited for you.

    BM's should NOT have to spend money cloning themselves to fit your image.  BM's are not obligated to host events or attend events.  

    bridezilla
    Bridezillas are a new breed of soon-to-wed women who abuse the idea that weddings are their "day." They terrorize their bridal party and family members, make greedy demands and break all rules of etiquette, to insure that they are the single most important person on the planet from the time they are engaged to the time they are married.

    If the shoe fits................
    Dreamergirl8812
  • I can understand feeling a bit hurt that your BM seemed to be more excited/spend more time with another friend's wedding versus your own, but it needs to end at that.

    As said, there could be many reasons why- more mutual friends at the other shower, that wedding came first, so BM had already schedule the time off for that wedding and her trips prior to yours, etc. 

    Reading your post, I wonder if MOH has said something to BM, and maybe BM doesn't feel comfortable around her??? If MOH really dislikes her, even without saying anything, BM is likely picking up on that. Do you think BM would feel comfortable helping host the shower if she knows MOH doesn't like her? I wouldn't. Is MOH going to spin the situation in her favour? Probably, we're human, we all spin things in our own favour. I agree that you should tell MOH to keep her opinions to herself and not share them with you anymore.

    Be happy that BM is coming to your shower at all. Try to reconnect with her on a friend basis, not on a wedding basis. Realize that maybe you and her have a different relationship than you and your MOH have- and that's ok! BM is still going to be there with you the day of standing up for you.

    My MOH and I have been friends since we were 14 (we are now 26)- there is a lot of history there. She threw me a shower because she wanted to. BM and I have only been friends for 2 years- she is a dear friend to me, but that relationship is new, and different. I also have only 2 attendants. BM has also been in another friends wedding this year where they had an engagement party, went dress shopping, did a big bachelorette party, had a shower, etc... I don't expect BM to do the same things for me, just because she did it with another friend- BM and her other friend have a different relationship than we do- they have been friends for years, and that friend had a much larger bridal party who all decided they wanted to host these parties. 

    Anyway- just wanted to say I can understand why you initially might feel that way, but realize there are many factors that go into these things (including a BM who may feel uncomfortable with a snarky MOH) and to be thankful for what's most important :)
    jendemeyer
  • Thank you all for your advice! My shower was wonderful and it all worked out :)
    Anniversary
    ei34
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