I just declined an invitation

Jen4948 · October 2013

This was an invitation to attend the wedding of the son of my parents' best friends. I babysat him along with my own brother, and he was like a younger brother to me. He and his fiancee decided due to space that no one who was not married or "officially engaged" (my BF and I are "unofficially engaged," we do talk about getting married but haven't announced an engagement) can bring a plus-one.

WinstonsGirl · October 2013

Good for you. I hope your reason makes it back to them.

doeydo · October 2013

Well that was rude on their part. Anyone in a relationship should be invited along with their significant other.

Jen4948 · October 2013

WinstonsGirl said:

Good for you. I hope your reason makes it back to them.

I don't know about that, but these people have been struck from my own future guest list.

melbelleup · October 2013

Jen4948 said:

WinstonsGirl said:

Good for you. I hope your reason makes it back to them.

I don't know about that, but these people have been struck from my own future guest list.

Just invite the groom and not the bride to yours

banana468 · October 2013

The question is, what will your parents do? I don't know how I'll react in 20+ years when the children of my peers will be getting married but if this person is my BEST friend, I would probably have a conversation stating that out of respect for my own child, I'm unable to attend.

Jen4948 · October 2013

banana468 said:

The question is, what will your parents do? I don't know how I'll react in 20+ years when the children of my peers will be getting married but if this person is my BEST friend, I would probably have a conversation stating that out of respect for my own child, I'm unable to attend.

Actually, my parents were very understanding about my decision. I don't know if my parents will be attending-my father has a health issue that may prevent it. But I doubt that my parents will have any conversations about this with their friends-they wrote back that they respect my decision but I think that's as far as they will take things. It was ultimately up to the groom and his wife, not his parents, so while I will not be inviting the bride and groom to any future wedding of my own, I'm still iffy about his parents. They haven't met my BF (although they friended him on Facebook, go figure) after he and I declared our relationship on there.

banana468 · October 2013

Jen4948 said:

banana468 said:

The question is, what will your parents do? I don't know how I'll react in 20+ years when the children of my peers will be getting married but if this person is my BEST friend, I would probably have a conversation stating that out of respect for my own child, I'm unable to attend.

Actually, my parents were very understanding about my decision. I don't know if my parents will be attending-my father has a health issue that may prevent it. But I doubt that my parents will have any conversations about this with their friends-they wrote back that they respect my decision but I think that's as far as they will take things.

Got it. I'd probably still say something to the friend even if she had no part in the decision. I wouldn't hold it against the parents but I would let them know that I can't support the marginalizing of relationships.

Jen4948 · October 2013

banana468 said:

banana468 said:

The question is, what will your parents do? I don't know how I'll react in 20+ years when the children of my peers will be getting married but if this person is my BEST friend, I would probably have a conversation stating that out of respect for my own child, I'm unable to attend.

Actually, my parents were very understanding about my decision. I don't know if my parents will be attending-my father has a health issue that may prevent it. But I doubt that my parents will have any conversations about this with their friends-they wrote back that they respect my decision but I think that's as far as they will take things.
Got it. I'd probably still say something to the friend even if she had no part in the decision. I wouldn't hold it against the parents but I would let them know that I can't support the marginalizing of relationships.

Well, the friends aren't paying-the couple are, so it's not their decision and they may even have been on my side. I will give them the benefit of the doubt on that. I just won't attend or invite the bride and groom to my own wedding.

banana468 · October 2013

I hear you. My point in mentioning something to the friend is the hope that her son would get the earful of, "I just want to let you know that your rudeness has caused people to decline your wedding invitation. I'm disappointed in how you choose to invite couples and frankly I raised you better. "

I wouldn't hold it against the friend but I'd want her to know that her son and future bride lost of respect from the family as a whole and not just my child.

TerriHugg · October 2013

Well I can understand why you would feel offended for the lack of consideration of your relationship on their part. However, I probably would have still attended only because things like that don't usually bother me and don't believe couples are intentionally trying to insult people by doing so. I think sometimes they just don't know any better. (And yes, I do think what they did was inconsiderate.) Due to the close relationship with them, I would probably still go if I knew I would know other people there and maybe make a gentle passing comment about what etiquette dictates later on for future events. I would also continue to invite them events.

But again, I totally understand your point of view, why it rubbed you the wrong way, and why you won't be attending.

Jen4948 · October 2013

TerriHugg said:

Well I can understand why you would feel offended for the lack of consideration of your relationship on their part. However, I probably would have still attended only because things like that don't usually bother me and don't believe couples are intentionally trying to insult people by doing so. I think sometimes they just don't know any better. (And yes, I do think what they did was inconsiderate.) Due to the close relationship with them, I would probably still go if I knew I would know other people there and maybe make a gentle passing comment about what etiquette dictates later on for future events. I would also continue to invite them events.

But again, I totally understand your point of view, why it rubbed you the wrong way, and why you won't be attending.

Well, I did previously feel the same way and even posted here on TheKnot that I can see that side of things-that sometimes due to budget and space restrictions it isn't possible for couples to invite everyone they'd like. Should my BF and I ever become "officially engaged" to the point that wedding plans are no longer hypothetical, we would probably find ourselves in a similar situation. But now that I'm actually in this situation, I can see the side that says it's painful to be invited to attend a wedding only on one's own when one is in a relationship, so I wouldn't make that kind of "rule" that hurts other people like that. I'd try to budget so that I have the space and money to properly entertain everyone I want to invite. I still might decide that truly single persons wouldn't get a plus-one, but I'm not in that category any more.

I don't know if the couple "truly didn't know better" but either way, I'm just not going to go or invite them in the future.

ei34 · October 2013

I would have done the same thing you did...it's nice to go to a wedding with your SO. Unfortunately, I have to warn you that even once you're officially engaged and married, you might still be invited to weddings solo. To this day I still get occasional invites to weddings without my husband.

Jen4948 · October 2013

eileenrob said:

I would have done the same thing you did...it's nice to go to a wedding with your SO. Unfortunately, I have to warn you that even once you're officially engaged and married, you might still be invited to weddings solo. To this day I still get occasional invites to weddings without my husband.

I would decline them just as I'm declining this one.

ei34 · October 2013

Jen4948 said:

eileenrob said:

I would have done the same thing you did...it's nice to go to a wedding with your SO. Unfortunately, I have to warn you that even once you're officially engaged and married, you might still be invited to weddings solo. To this day I still get occasional invites to weddings without my husband.

I would decline them just as I'm declining this one.

That's what I do too!

MrsLillyG · October 2013

I'll never understand people that think it is ok to invite people without their other half to events where there will be many couples. Especially a party with dinner and dancing! I would have declined for sure.

CommitmentCat · October 2013

This really frustrates me! I only got engaged last month but I have been with my FI since 2007. Just because I did not have a ring on my finger did not mean we loved each other any less or were any less committed to each other than couples who were engaged or married. We weren't engaged due to circumstance. We spoke about it all the time, and it's all we wanted to do was get married. I applaud you for declining the invitation. I understand people not adding a plus one for truly single guests. But if you know someone is in a long term relationship, it's just rude.

ETA: sorry for the vent - I have been in your situation before and it's just very frustrating!

crunchymamaof2 · October 2013

CommitmentCat said:

This really frustrates me! I only got engaged last month but I have been with my FI since 2007. Just because I did not have a ring on my finger did not mean we loved each other any less or were any less committed to each other than couples who were engaged or married. We weren't engaged due to circumstance. We spoke about it all the time, and it's all we wanted to do was get married. I applaud you for declining the invitation. I understand people not adding a plus one for truly single guests. But if you know someone is in a long term relationship, it's just rude.

ETA: sorry for the vent - I have been in your situation before and it's just very frustrating!

ditch the "long term" and your post was awesome :-)

PS: FI and I have been together since 2007 as well and only got engaged this past February. I understand completely!

delujm0 · October 2013

CommitmentCat said:

This really frustrates me! I only got engaged last month but I have been with my FI since 2007. Just because I did not have a ring on my finger did not mean we loved each other any less or were any less committed to each other than couples who were engaged or married. We weren't engaged due to circumstance. We spoke about it all the time, and it's all we wanted to do was get married. I applaud you for declining the invitation. I understand people not adding a plus one for truly single guests. But if you know someone is in a long term relationship, it's just rude.

ETA: sorry for the vent - I have been in your situation before and it's just very frustrating!

FI and i have been together since October 2004 and just got engaged over Christmas 2012 - so i hear you on this one! Fortunately, during that entire 8 year non-engaged period, i only got invited to one wedding without him. We'd only been together 6 months at the time. It was a very small wedding for a close friend, and FI actually had a prior commitment on that day anyway, so i decided to go alone. I still had a good time. but several guests who had been with their SO's a lot longer than me (and especially those where the bride knew the SO's pretty well), were angry about it. And vocal. At least one person i knew declined to go because of it (he had known the bride since they were 5 years old, they grew up down the street from each other, and she didn't invite his GF who he had been with for 6 years, since we were all in high school together. That was the most offensive etiquette breach i think).

annathy03 · October 2013

acove2006 said:

CommitmentCat said:

This really frustrates me! I only got engaged last month but I have been with my FI since 2007. Just because I did not have a ring on my finger did not mean we loved each other any less or were any less committed to each other than couples who were engaged or married. We weren't engaged due to circumstance. We spoke about it all the time, and it's all we wanted to do was get married. I applaud you for declining the invitation. I understand people not adding a plus one for truly single guests. But if you know someone is in a long term relationship, it's just rude.

ETA: sorry for the vent - I have been in your situation before and it's just very frustrating!

ditch the "long term" and your post was awesome :-)
PS: FI and I have been together since 2007 as well and only got engaged this past February. I understand completely!

This is so true! Fortunately our friends haven't committed this, the only wedding FI was invited to without me we weren't dating yet when invites went out, so they had no obligation whatsoever. The couple did extend an invite for me to him verbally when they found out he'd started seeing someone, which to this day I appreciate and think of when we see them.

CommitmentCat · October 2013

@acove2006 lol, you're right. Long term relationship is again putting people into brackets of who is acceptable and who is not. What I really meant was opposed to a week long relationship. If i was only dating someone for a week I would not be offended at all if he wasn't invited to a wedding. Even if I knew it was serious by that point.

Iloveshanej · October 2013

That is ridiculous to ask people who aren't engaged or married to not bring someone. What if you are single and don't like to go to events by yourself? Good for you for declining!

kitty8403 · October 2013

delujm0 said:

CommitmentCat said:

This really frustrates me! I only got engaged last month but I have been with my FI since 2007. Just because I did not have a ring on my finger did not mean we loved each other any less or were any less committed to each other than couples who were engaged or married. We weren't engaged due to circumstance. We spoke about it all the time, and it's all we wanted to do was get married. I applaud you for declining the invitation. I understand people not adding a plus one for truly single guests. But if you know someone is in a long term relationship, it's just rude.

ETA: sorry for the vent - I have been in your situation before and it's just very frustrating!

FI and i have been together since October 2004 and just got engaged over Christmas 2012 - so i hear you on this one! Fortunately, during that entire 8 year non-engaged period, i only got invited to one wedding without him. We'd only been together 6 months at the time. It was a very small wedding for a close friend, and FI actually had a prior commitment on that day anyway, so i decided to go alone. I still had a good time. but several guests who had been with their SO's a lot longer than me (and especially those where the bride knew the SO's pretty well), were angry about it. And vocal. At least one person i knew declined to go because of it (he had known the bride since they were 5 years old, they grew up down the street from each other, and she didn't invite his GF who he had been with for 6 years, since we were all in high school together. That was the most offensive etiquette breach i think).

FI and I have been together since 2005. In 8 years, I think I went to one wedding alone. Can't remember if he went to one without me--possibly. We HAVE received numerous invites with the envelope addressed to only one of us. He thought I was crazy and stuffy when we got one addressed to him and I refused to go unless he confirmed whether or not I was actually invited. They were shocked to hear that I hadn't been planning to come; they'd assumed that of course I was part of it.

^That's becoming more common, seems like. Standard etiquette says if your name's not on the
envelope, you aren't going--but in my circle, at least, most people don't know this stuff. Le sigh.

palrmt · October 2013

UGH! This seriously rubs me the wrong way. I had a friend who started dating someone a week before my wedding. She texted me just to tell me about him and I made sure to tell her he was welcome at our wedding. My husband and I dated for almost 8 years before we were "officially" engaged. We lived together for 7 of those years and we still received numerous wedding invitations that excluded one of us. It definitely did change our relationships with those friends. I felt like they were judging our relationship and that it didn't measure up to their standards. The one invited always declined the invitation. I only had one friend ask me why I declined her invitation and I was angry enough to tell her the truth. She quoted budget and space reasons of course and I just shook my head and said well I'm sorry but I won't be there. She then tried to make me feel guilty for not attending her wedding. Uh huh. Whatever.

photokitty · October 2013

Iloveshanej said:

That is ridiculous to ask people who aren't engaged or married to not bring someone. What if you are single and don't like to go to events by yourself? Good for you for declining!

If you are truly single and not in a relationship it is perfectly acceptable to be invited solo. I actually preferred to go alone when I was single. I didn't have to entertain a date who didn't know people.

manateehugger · October 2013

Iloveshanej said:

That is ridiculous to ask people who aren't engaged or married to not bring someone. What if you are single and don't like to go to events by yourself? Good for you for declining!

Etiquette doesn't demand plus-ones for single guests. If you don't like going to events alone, you can decline.

Otherwise, yeah, I think it's a load of crap when people don't invite SO's. I HATE the married/engaged/live-in rule.

APDSS22 · October 2013

palrmt said:

UGH! This seriously rubs me the wrong way. I had a friend who started dating someone a week before my wedding. She texted me just to tell me about him and I made sure to tell her he was welcome at our wedding. My husband and I dated for almost 8 years before we were "officially" engaged. We lived together for 7 of those years and we still received numerous wedding invitations that excluded one of us. It definitely did change our relationships with those friends. I felt like they were judging our relationship and that it didn't measure up to their standards. The one invited always declined the invitation. I only had one friend ask me why I declined her invitation and I was angry enough to tell her the truth. She quoted budget and space reasons of course and I just shook my head and said well I'm sorry but I won't be there. She then tried to make me feel guilty for not attending her wedding. Uh huh. Whatever.

Yeah, she should've just been happy you had just given her more space and saved her money (paying for your plate)! *rolls eyes* If a couple doesn't have enough room or money to invite both parts of a couple, they should trim the guest list or their expectations on things in the budget like flowers that have no effect on the guests. It isn't rude to not invite a whole couple or have less flowers to be able to afford to invite both so this excuse is just balderdash.

Jen4948 · November 2013

Update: I just learned that my parents' friends did speak to their son, and he and the bride have decided to extend invitations to me and my BF even though I had declined. It does feel a bit like B-listing, since I think part of the reason they're doing this is that a number of long-distance guests have declined, but I will talk to my BF and see what he wants to do. We may still go!

I just declined an invitation

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