Future SILs in wedding party? Please HELP!

Re: Future SILs in wedding party? Please HELP!

• manateehugger member

  

  October 2013

  If they aren't your nearest and dearest, they should not be your bridesmaids. There is no requirement that his sisters be bridesmaids. You don't have to apologize for wanting your friends standing next to you on your wedding day. 

  
  

  You are the only person who gets to ask people to be bridesmaids. If I were you, I wouldn't be asking them.
  

  
  

  Perhaps you could get FSIL's corsages or ask them to be readers. 

  

  Report6 Reply
• doeydo member

  

  October 2013

  If nobody really knows who you wanted/planned to be in your bridal party, you can change it and remove your FI's sisters.  If he wants them to be in the wedding party, then he can have them on his side as groomsladies .

  
  

  Report2 Reply
• misslobita member

  

  October 2013

  Don't invite the future sister in laws-they clearly don't support you as a couple. If they did I would say go for it. If you ask them now, I think you will regret it and wish you hadn't asked. BTW if you are worried about sides being even, don't. Its overrated, pick those who you will have a great time with and who stand behind you and your man! Best of luck!

  Report1 Reply
• Jen4948 member

  

  October 2013

  Since your FSILs are being disrespectful to you, it doesn't make sense to me to ask them to be bridesmaids.  Do you really think they would stop just because you asked them, if they don't already support you?
  
  If your FI or his family put pressure on you to include them, have him include them on his side and not yours.
  

  Report0 Reply
• manda080808 member

  

  October 2013

  Thanks for the advice. I'm just worried that his family is going to be very upset with me for not having them standing up there, and that it will drive a wedge between us from the get-go. I don't think that they will be understanding enough to consider the reasons why the sisters aren't in the wedding party.
  

  Report0 Reply
• manda080808 member

  

  October 2013

  It's just difficult because sister #1 is expecting that she will be a bridesmaid in the wedding after I talked to her about sister #2.
  

  Report0 Reply
• artbyallie mod

  

  October 2013

  It's just difficult because sister #1 is expecting that she will be a bridesmaid in the wedding after I talked to her about sister #2.
  

  
  

  
  

  Is she expecting to be a bridesmaid because you told her she will be? If not, then you are not obligated to ask her.

  

  Report2 Reply
• manateehugger member

  

  October 2013

  MirandaAnich08 said:

  Thanks for the advice. I'm just worried that his family is going to be very upset with me for not having them standing up there, and that it will drive a wedge between us from the get-go. I don't think that they will be understanding enough to consider the reasons why the sisters aren't in the wedding party.
  

  Then THEY are being the rude ones, not you. That would be a very petty thing for them to become angry over - especially if you aren't very close with them. 

  
  

  If they have the rudeness and the gall to say something to you, you could say that they should stand on FI's side. 

  
  

  I have to ask though - have you talked to either one about being a bridesmaid? Because that changes the whole thing. 

  
  

  Also - stop talking to one sister about the other. That will get you no where, I promise. My FSIL did this, and she's no longer a favorite with anyone. 

  

  Report2 Reply
• manda080808 member

  

  October 2013

  The thing is, my fiance wanted to bring this up to sister #1, so without my consent (because he was so frustrated), he told her that sister #2 may not be a bridesmaid any longer after saying that.
  
  I feel like this story line is getting really complicated!!
  
  But basically, the sisters know that they were GOING to be bridesmaids, so I don't know how to backtrack and tell them that they will no longer be in the wedding party.
  

  Report0 Reply
• Jen4948 member

  

  October 2013

  If you never asked them, then your FI can tell them he was mistaken and that it wasn't and still isn't going to happen.
  

  Report2 Reply
• OliveOilsMom member

  

  October 2013

  MirandaAnich08 said:

  Okay,
  
  So when my then-boyfriend proposed to me, I was really excited about planning a wedding. He picked his groomsmen right away, so I felt pressured to pick my bridesmaids right away as well. This was back in May. It is now October, and I haven't revealed any of my choices for my bridesmaids because the wedding is still so far off (Nov. 1 2014). So here is my initial line-up:
  
  Best Friend/Maid of Honor
  Cousin 1
  Cousin 2
  My brother's wife
  Fiance's Sister #1
  Fiance's Sister #2
  
  So here's where my trouble is. Both of the sisters have been disrespectful about our wedding. When my fiance was having dinner with his family (I was not there), sister #2 said in anger that she didn't think he should get married to me. She of course apologized a month later, so all is well between them. However, during that month, I spoke with sister #1, who I was really close with, and she completely supported my fiance and me in our wedding. Now, just a week ago, I came across something on sister #1's social media site (neither my fiance or I use social media) stating that she was going to "crash the wedding" with a girl I do not care for in the least. She also told this friend to "mark her calendar for the date." When I confronted her about it, she said this girl was "a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding" and they were talking about this friend's wedding. My fiance and I investigated into it, and come to find out, that "friend's wedding" happened 6 years ago. This leads me to believe that she was most definitely talking about my wedding if she blatantly lied to me.
  
  There are two other people that I would much rather have in my wedding (past college roommate and sister, who I'm reconnecting with) but I don't know how to go about handling this situation.
  
  Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I know there are going to be some hurt feelings, but I only want people standing up on my side who are going to support me, not those who have been so negative so far out from the wedding.
  
  Input please!!

  Don't ask them to BMs.  They will only cause you problems later on.  If FI wants them in the wedding, then they can stand on his side. 
  
  Also, might I advise that you not give your one FSIL a plus one.  If she is truly single when the invitations go out, don't let her bring anyone as she will probably bring this girl that you don't like.  If you give anyone an "& Guest", they can bring anyone they way.  If FSIL has a boyfriend when the invites go out, invite him by name on FSIL's invite.  That way she will not be able to transfer the bf's spot to this girl.
  

  

  Report2 Reply
• STARMOON44 member

  

  October 2013

  If they knew they were going to be bridesmaids, then I think you're stuck. Someone invited them, whether it was you or fiancé doesn't really matter to
  me.
  
  If you want less drama in your life, don't seek it out. Who cares what she posts online? Why is your FI calling one Sis to trash talk the other? Back away slowly from this mess.

  Report0 Reply
• Maggie0829 member

  

  October 2013

  STARMOON44 said:

  If they knew they were going to be bridesmaids, then I think you're stuck. Someone invited them, whether it was you or fiancé doesn't really matter to me. If you want less drama in your life, don't seek it out. Who cares what she posts online? Why is your FI calling one Sis to trash talk the other? Back away slowly from this mess.

  I disagree with this.  Her FI had no right to tell them that they were going to be BM.  It is the brides place to ask her bridal party.  And even if she had planned on asking them, the fact that she hasn't asked them or anyone gives her the opportunity to change her mind until she does start asking people.  Now it is her FI place to fix his mistake.  He needs to tell his sisters that he is sorry but that he was mistaken about them being BMs and that he should not have opened his mouth about it without consulting his FI before hand.

  
  

  Report5 Reply
• STARMOON44 member

  

  October 2013

  @Maggie0829- you've sold me! And now I'm mad at the OP's fiancé on her behalf. How rude!

  Report2 Reply
• ei34 member

  

  October 2013

  I definitely wouldn't ask your fiancé's sisters. The first rule of thumb is that your bridal party should be your nearest and dearest, but it should go without saying that anyone rude to you (like the two of them) shouldn't be involved.  I have a nice relationship with my hubby's three sisters, but I didn't ask any of them to be bridesmaids...sure, we get along, but we weren't super-close.

  If your fiancé needs his sisters in the wedding party they can stand on his side.  "Groomsladies" and "men of honor" are becoming more and more popular.

  Report0 Reply
• tammym1001 member

  

  October 2013

  MirandaAnich08 said:

  It's just difficult because sister #1 is expecting that she will be a bridesmaid in the wedding after I talked to her about sister #2.
  

  So did you tell sister #1 that she was a bridesmaid when you were talking about her sister? If you told her that, then you can't take it back. If it was just your FI that said it to her then he needs to tell them he was wrong. 

  
  

  Also, FWIW, I wouldn't talk about sister #2 to sister #1 anymore. Regardless of my relationship with anyone if they said something bad to me about my sister it would be on and I would absolutely tell my sister what they said too. You know the saying, blood is thicker than water.

  
  

  Report1 Reply
• manda080808 member

  

  October 2013

  Needless to say, this has become a very messy situation. FI brought it up to Sister #1, so I was kind of forced into a position where I had to tell her what was going on. Then when the tables were turned, FI brought it up to Sister #2 to find out whether or not this "friend" was getting married.
  
  Through this, it looks like I really need to talk to him and tell him that what we are planning needs to remain private, no matter what the circumstances, because now, I'm trying to backtrack through mud, and I'm going to look like the bad person. I just feel like I'm getting pulled at from all directions, and I'm trying to please everyone else rather than myself.
  
  Regardless of whether or not the sisters knew (which now, they both do, thanks to FI) that they were going to be bridesmaids, I've been worried that by NOT including them, there is going to be some sort of expectation that they are going to be standing up in my wedding. But now that they have both done disrespectful things regarding our wedding, that's even more reason NOT to have them as bridesmaids, and instead, have my sister and college roommate, who I wanted from the very beginning.
  
  Decisions, decisions...Ugh.
  

  Report0 Reply
• manda080808 member

  

  October 2013

  No, no, no, there hasn't been any talking behind one sister's back to the other, or vice versa. I'm just kind of standing idly by while my fiance does the discussion, because, like you said, I know that blood is thicker than water. They are sisters, and I don't want to stir the pot with anything. The most that has happened is that each sister has apologized to me for the other sister's actions, and I've left it at that.
  

  Report0 Reply
• jessielynn1987 member

  

  October 2013

  I would ask your fiance if he is ok with them not being in the wedding. If he is, then proceed accordingly. If it is important for him to have them up there, then do it for him.
  

  Report0 Reply
• Dreamergirl8812 member

  

  October 2013

  You are under no obligation to your FI or his sisters to have them in your bridal party. You don't owe anyone reasons or explanations. This is exactly why you wait to ask your bridal party (like you did, OP), because relationships change. Once you ask, you're stuck. But your FI does not speak for you. You have not asked, so don't.
  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  

  Report0 Reply
• manda080808 member

  

  October 2013

  Thanks for the input everyone. I think I know what I'm going to do. I have to make the decision that's right for me, and I don't think it's having them stand up on my side (or any side, for that matter). It is most important to me to have people who are going to be supportive of us no matter what.
  

  Report0 Reply
• ShanaKatherine member

  

  October 2013

  Good choice!!

  Report0 Reply
• Maggie0829 member

  

  October 2013

  jessielynn1987 said:

  I would ask your fiance if he is ok with them not being in the wedding. If he is, then proceed accordingly. If it is important for him to have them up there, then do it for him.
  

  She should not have to include her FI sisters in her bridal party just because he wants them included. If he wants them included in the wedding so badly then he can ask his own sisters to stand on his side.

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• lovetulips04 member

  

  November 2013

   

  MirandaAnich08 said:

  Thanks for the input everyone. I think I know what I'm going to do. I have to make the decision that's right for me, and I don't think it's having them stand up on my side (or any side, for that matter). It is most important to me to have people who are going to be supportive of us no matter what.
  

  ROCK ON!!!

  Do your thing!!

  I was in the same boat! I was BM for one of his older sisters & we were close & then the ship hit the fan when I was MOH in a wedding when she was BM in. She attacked me & our relationship so they are not standing up on either side! I dont want to look back on pictures & feel awful because its all a lie in a church. So the motto for our day is "Our Day Our Way" LOL
  

  Report0 Reply
• kuglenn member

  

  November 2013

  That is very disheartening to hear about your future SILs. The best advice is to stick with what your gut tells you - as you said, make the best decision for you. My advice would be to imagine what you want in the future. If you'd like to get to know your fiance's sisters better and work on your relationship with them or kill them with kindness until they start acting differently, I say include them. And, set the example that you want to be a close family. Hope that helps.

  Report0 Reply
• jenniferurs member

  

  November 2013

  MirandaAnich08 said:

  Thanks for the input everyone. I think I know what I'm going to do. I have to make the decision that's right for me, and I don't think it's having them stand up on my side (or any side, for that matter). It is most important to me to have people who are going to be supportive of us no matter what.
  

  If you aren't comfortable with them standing on your side, by all means exclude them. But I don't think it's right for you to mandate that your fiancé exclude them from his side as well, unless that's what he also wants.

  Report0 Reply
• clarke10 member

  

  November 2013

  jenniferurs said:

  Thanks for the input everyone. I think I know what I'm going to do. I have to make the decision that's right for me, and I don't think it's having them stand up on my side (or any side, for that matter). It is most important to me to have people who are going to be supportive of us no matter what.
  

  If you aren't comfortable with them standing on your side, by all means exclude them. But I don't think it's right for you to mandate that your fiancé exclude them from his side as well, unless that's what he also wants.

  True. If your FI wants them on his side, he gets to make that decision. 

  

  Report0 Reply