Whose family should have to travel?

maybebabytx · October 2013

I would love some input if anyone has had experience with my problem. My entire family lives in the Midwest. His entire family lives in the South. We met and got engaged in Texas and this is where we plan to continue our lives together, at least for now. We cant even get the ball rolling on planning a wedding bc we don't know WHERE to have it. In the brides home state where all my family and friends are or in the groom's home state where his are? We have also tossed around the idea of a destination wedding so that everyone has to travel to attend and it's fair to both sides. A destination wedding is not what we would originally or ideally have wanted, but should we sacrifice that to be fair to our families? Neither of our families are particularly wealthy and can "easily" afford to travel, so any sort of travel would impose some level of inconvenience.

Ahhhh!!! We have talked about this situation since we ever first started talking about wanting to get married "some day" and always said that we'll cross that bridge when we get there... and here we are... stuck on the bridge.

PS, I'm new!

WinstonsGirl · October 2013

Plan your wedding where you and your FI want it. If your immediate family/VIP ot being able to travel is a possibility, that may sway you closer to one side or another. If there's no issue, have the wedding where you two want to get married.

Some examples - we would have got married where we live (my family is here) and DH's would have had to travel, but our weather here is iffy, so we went to Hawaii instead. Everyone had to travel.

My MOH got married where her DH's grandparents lived, since they couldn't travel. His parents live there too. Her parents flew in.

My cousin grew up visiting Idaho and her DH proposed there. Her family drove down (they have a house there) (full day drive), his parents flew in from the other side of the country. Her grandparents couldn't make it last minute. If they had known before hand they weren't going to be able to make it, they would have gotten married in their hometown.

Do whatever works best for you, your FI and your VIP's together. Happy planning

kelceya · October 2013

Ditto to the above! I'm a bit of an extreme case (I'm American, fiance is Polish) but we're also going the "meet in the middle" destination route with a wedding in Ireland. We initially got a LOT of pressure from both sides to have the wedding in their home country, or to have "two weddings" in two different places, but we didn't want to shell out for two transatlantic parties and we hated the idea of making one side fly across the ocean while the other stayed put. Now that everyone's had time to get used to the idea and seen some of the things we have planned, they're actually excited to make the trip! So in the end it comes down to what you feel most comfortable doing. You also have to accept the fact that families and friends are more spread out these days than ever before, and inevitably some of the people you love won't be able to make it. It doesn't change the fact that they love you, or make your wedding day any less special.

That said, if it's convenience you're worried about why not have the wedding where you live now in Texas? It'd be less of a headache for you to plan, and I assume since you said your fiance's family lives in the South without specifying the state, they'd have to travel as well.

Whatever you decide, best of luck, and congratulations on your engagement

MissMWood · October 2013

Congrats and welcome! We were in the exact situation! My FI is Canadian and I am Australian... His entire family is in Canada and mine in Australia. We chose Hawaii because we couldn't choose where to have it and both families were happy to travel!

Its tough, really tough! Good luck deciding!

melbelleup · October 2013

maybebabytx said:

I would love some input if anyone has had experience with my problem. My entire family lives in the Midwest. His entire family lives in the South. We met and got engaged in Texas and this is where we plan to continue our lives together, at least for now. We cant even get the ball rolling on planning a wedding bc we don't know WHERE to have it. In the brides home state where all my family and friends are or in the groom's home state where his are? We have also tossed around the idea of a destination wedding so that everyone has to travel to attend and it's fair to both sides. A destination wedding is not what we would originally or ideally have wanted, but should we sacrifice that to be fair to our families? Neither of our families are particularly wealthy and can "easily" afford to travel, so any sort of travel would impose some level of inconvenience.

Ahhhh!!! We have talked about this situation since we ever first started talking about wanting to get married "some day" and always said that we'll cross that bridge when we get there... and here we are... stuck on the bridge.

PS, I'm new!

Congrats! First, breathe, it will work out

I would weigh your pros and cons. Can both families afford to travel? If not, can one side? If that's the case then go with the side that can't to have it at. If they both can, go with a place you really want to get married. Close your eyes and think about how you imagine your wedding to look.

annathy03 · October 2013

Take your VIPs into consideration, but as long as your most important guests can make it I'd have it where you want.

FI and I live in Vegas and are getting married here, most of our family is from the midwest but plenty is scattered as well. A few of his family members in the midwest (not immediate family) definitely expressed disappointment that it isn't in our home state, but it would have been far more difficult for us to plan a wedding from 2000 miles away so we decided to have it where we live.

maybebabytx · October 2013

Thank you guys so much! It made me realize that I am probably over stressing about it and that I'm definitely not alone. I am naturally indecisive, so the entire wedding planning experience should be interesting! I believe that all the VIPs will make it to the wedding no matter what we decide and that is what is truly important to me in the end.

Eeek! Its barely been a week since engagement. I think I am going to take a few more weeks to just enjoy this ring on my finger and talk wedding planning when the excitement settles.

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

My family and DH's family live 5 states away from each other. We happen to live in my family's state, so we wanted to have it near where we live. My family is significantly larger and it was simply easier to plan a wedding within driving distance of our home.

His family pressured us to have our wedding in his home state. When we told them it wasn't going to happen, they said they wanted to host a separate reception (so they wouldn't have to travel for the actual wedding). We declined that offer and stood firm basically saying, "this is when and where we're getting married. Hope to see you there."

mimiphin · October 2013

My family, his family and we live between 6-13 hrs away from each other.

We (I) decided a while ago that I wanted either everyone to travel or no one to travel- which isn't possible so we are doing everyone must travel. I originally wanted to get married in the city we would be living in but currently we live in a small city (Under 10,000) and I don't want to get married here. So we are looking into a "destination" wedding. I would love to get married at a local ski resort (3 hrs away from us) and a short flight/longish drive for everyone else, but are also considering Cuba and Vegas. \

Its up to you, Traditionally (as far as I know) the wedding is held at the brides home church, but it is where ever you want to have it. Don't let anyone tell you that you "Have-To" have something (Unless its manners, everyone needs manners)

I also think its silly to have a separate reception in another location for those who weren't there, if they were invited and chose to not come that's their problem not mine.

Best of luck!!

courtski2004 · October 2013

Have your wedding where you feel most comfortable! J and I met and live in Dallas, but didn't grow up here. My entire family lives OOT ( spread from KY, MO, VT, ME, MA, CA) and some of J's family lives here but his extended family is in Michigan. For us, it was way easier to plan and host a wedding in Dallas rather than trying to plan something from out of state just to make it easier. If your VIPs are willing to travel regardless of the location, I would vote for having it where you and your FI live currently.

cowgirl8238 · October 2013

My FI and I moved out to Central PA before getting engaged. We are both from Long Island and the vast majority of our families still live there (moms and dads included). When he finally proposed I was so excited that we could start planning the weding we always talked about having. Which is where we live in PA. It may not be the same situation as yours (we are about 4 hours away from our "hometowns" and family) but it was far more important (and cheaper) for our FI and I to be married here! I say as long as the VIP's can make it then get married wherever you want!

Edit: Cause I can spell...

ElcaB · October 2013

It's not about fairness; it's about what you and FI want. Where do you want to get married? Wherever that is, that's where you should get married. In the event that the majority of one of your families cannot attend, schedule a "Yay, we're married!" party in that hometown after your wedding. (Yay, we're married! does not equal a PPD.)

arrippa · October 2013

It's about what works for you and your FI. My family is from So Cal and my FI's family from PA but we live in Boston. So, the wedding will be here in Boston. It's easier to plan it here and I think making everyone travel is the best way.

kmmssg · October 2013

I do have a question and maybe I missed it, but who is paying for the wedding? If it isn't solely you guys, they get a vote in this too.

I'm a MOB and am all about the logistics of everything. If you guys are paying for everything, I think it makes sense for you to get married where you live so that you can take care of things easily, meeting with vendors, etc.

If you decide it has to be where one of the families live you need to consider not only the "other sides" financial resources, but do they have jobs where they can easily get vacation time.

In the end, it is just important to realize that you won't make all of your VIP's happy because no matter where you choose, a reasonable number of people are gonna have to travel. Look at how you can most easily plan and meet with vendors, availability of hotels, car rentals, etc in your area, and decide which has the best pros and the worst cons - make your decision accordingly.

My last DD to get married in '09 lives in UT. She and her then FI moved there from MI 10 months prior to their wedding. We had everything chosen, signed, ready to go before she left. I took care of any last minute meetings, arrangements with the vendors, and they flew home for the wedding. By getting married in MI, it meant they were the ONLY ones who would have to travel for the wedding, so it made sense for them.

Good luck!

MandyMost · October 2013

I'd also think about the cost and time to travel to the destination. How expensive are hotel rooms? Flights? How many people would have to travel? Of those people, how many do you REALLY care are there?

If it's really the VIPs you're concerned about, you can offer to pay for hotels or flights for a few people, and take it out of your overall wedding costs. You can also host quite a bit for the people who are traveling--invite them to a nice rehearsal dinner with open bar, have a brunch the day after, have transportation all arranged (not just to the wedding, but to and from the airport as well), etc. Or any combination of the above.

Essentially, if traveling is a "problem", even a surmountable one, for any of your VIPs then I think you should do everything in your power to make it less of a problem, at the extent of some other things you might want. Maybe your open bar will have to be more limited, maybe you can't have the most expensive entree, maybe you can't have as many flowers, maybe you need a DJ instead of a band, maybe your dress budget is cut in half, etc.

XrebeccaX · October 2013

Friends of mine had the same dilemma and they ended up getting married where they (the couple) live currently. They set up their website with lots of information about hotels, things to do, car rental etc to make it as easy as possible for people to plan.

mrsbizzz · October 2013

kmmssg said:

I do have a question and maybe I missed it, but who is paying for the wedding? If it isn't solely you guys, they get a vote in this too.

I'm a MOB and am all about the logistics of everything. If you guys are paying for everything, I think it makes sense for you to get married where you live so that you can take care of things easily, meeting with vendors, etc.

If you decide it has to be where one of the families live you need to consider not only the "other sides" financial resources, but do they have jobs where they can easily get vacation time.

In the end, it is just important to realize that you won't make all of your VIP's happy because no matter where you choose, a reasonable number of people are gonna have to travel. Look at how you can most easily plan and meet with vendors, availability of hotels, car rentals, etc in your area, and decide which has the best pros and the worst cons - make your decision accordingly.

My last DD to get married in '09 lives in UT. She and her then FI moved there from MI 10 months prior to their wedding. We had everything chosen, signed, ready to go before she left. I took care of any last minute meetings, arrangements with the vendors, and they flew home for the wedding. By getting married in MI, it meant they were the ONLY ones who would have to travel for the wedding, so it made sense for them.

Good luck!

Yes to the above! My parents were generous enough to offer me enough money to have a great wedding. Putting aside that I always dreamed of getting married in my hometown (in the midwest; FI and I live on east coast along with all of his family), I knew 1. the budget my parents gave me would go a lot further in a medium-sized midwestern city like me hometown; 2. my mom had strong feelings about the wedding being in my hometown (but did not make their contribution subejct ot it being there)) and 3. his family has more financial resources than mine to travel halfway across the country. It helped that my fiance didn't particularly care and his parents were A-OK with it.

Ultimately we did get some flack for having the wedding in my homestate. It blew over quickly because it became clear that it meant a lot to me and my fiance (wanting me to be happy) by extension.

AddieCake · October 2013

My family lives mostly in Illinois. My husband's family lives in Florida. We lived in Texas, so we got married in Texas.

APDSS22 · October 2013

I would definitely look into who would be meeting with vendors as a determining factor when you come down from the just engaged high (feel free to enjoy that, it's lovely). Even though your parents have offered the money, do they just want to give it to you and see what you and your FI come up with, do they want to have a say in specifics like venue, food or flowers? My husband and I met and were living together in Tulsa, OK when we got engaged so we planned the wedding there. We ended up moving south of OKC so we had to drive 2 hours to meet with vendors and for the wedding day but we had most everything taken care of by the move. My family lives in CO and my husband's family lives in TX. For my ILs, it was an 8 hour drive and for my parents it was a 12 hour drive. They all had to make an effort to come, but it definitely meant so much to both of us to know that they were willing to do that for us.

amakayeb · October 2013

I can understand how you are feeling. The day after we got engaged I had a mini-meltdown over this very same issue. I am also very indecisive, and I naturally try to please other people, so the fact that I couldn't see a 'right' answer really bothered me. (Plus, all the emotions of the day before caught up with me.) I live in one state (where we met/got engaged), my family is from another, his is from a third, and, for the majority of our engagement, he is finishing up grad school in another. To top it off, we will be moving after the wedding for his job, but we won't find out until April where that will be! We ended up deciding to have it in his hometown. His family is smaller, but they all live right in that area, where the majority of mine lives a couple hours away from my parents. He also has a much stronger attachment to his home church than I do (plus, my home church is really not very pretty and it doesn't have an organ--a pretty big minus since I'm an organist myself and I can't imagine not walking down the aisle without that!). So, my family and friends will all have to travel, and so will I, but I'm totally okay with that part. I did check with my mother (both sets of parents are helping to pay for it) to make sure she was okay with planning it somewhere else, since she wouldn't be able to take as 'active' a role.

j+j14sept · October 2013

I'm from New Zealand, and my husband is Argentinian. We chose to get married in NYC where we live because that is where our home is and where we wanted the wedding. We paid for it ourselves and also helped his parents with the cost of air fares. The guest list was very small so this was within our budget. Good luck!!

maybebabytx · October 2013

We are paying for our own wedding! I would guess that our parents might chip in if they are able to with some things, but we aren't expecting or planning on that. Are destination weddings significantly more expensive or does it equal out? Also, for those who have planned weddings from far away, how difficult is it to do that?

maybebabytx · October 2013

Also, thank you guys so much for all the advice! It has helped!

@AddieL73 where in Texas did you get married? Did most of your family and friends from home states make it to the wedding?

annathy03 · October 2013

maybebabytx said:

We are paying for our own wedding! I would guess that our parents might chip in if they are able to with some things, but we aren't expecting or planning on that. Are destination weddings significantly more expensive or does it equal out? Also, for those who have planned weddings from far away, how difficult is it to do that?

It depends on where. If you're open to a few different locations I'd inquire about pricing on a few venues in each town you're considering- one of your hometowns may be much more cost effective than the other or where you live now may be best price wise. I've not planned a wedding from afar, so I'll let other posters speak to that but I would guess you'd want to go on at least one "scouting" trip before finalizing things so I'd keep that cost in mind.

APDSS22 · October 2013

One of our friends got married just outside Houston while living in Tulsa, OK and her mom handled most of the appointments. She said it was probably a little more stressful than planning where she was living, but her parents paid for the whole thing and they wanted it where they live. If someone else will be handling the vendor appointments for you I'd make sure they are totally on board with your vision so you don't run into problems with them booking something you don't like because it's more to their taste.

melbelleup · October 2013

maybebabytx said:

We are paying for our own wedding! I would guess that our parents might chip in if they are able to with some things, but we aren't expecting or planning on that. Are destination weddings significantly more expensive or does it equal out? Also, for those who have planned weddings from far away, how difficult is it to do that?

It honestly isn't that hard as long as you research. I live 8 hrs (4 states) away from my home town, which is where my wedding will be. I planned a week to go last june and meet with people. I got my dress then, my bm's dresses, talked to a florist, talked to a cake person in july when I went up for my cousin's wedding, the photographer is someone I already knew that took photos, e-mailed with dj and photobooth and photographer company (all same company- and all my friends have used before so I havent actually met with any of them), talked with priest over the phone numerous times, talked with priest down here (and doing wedding workshop down here).

After the florist appointment she mailed me the quote for the flowers we discussed, I then asked other florists in the area to give me a quote based off the flowers... this allowed me to see if she was charging me a fair amount. From there I called the florist, decided I didn't want to spend that much on flowers (over 1,200) and that we need a new plan, she and I then brainstormed and came up with one (all over the phone).

I already have been to my reception venue numerous times because of church events and other weddings that I didn't need to tour it nor did my parents. BUT the one place I was looking at I never was to nor my parents so they were going to go check it out for me, but that fell through. I met with my reception venue also in June and we picked out the meals and linens and all that is left for that is picking out the actual time (trying to not have gap, but need to find out from priest how long it would take) and the seating chart (done after I give her the head count) All can be done on the phone

.

Wow, that's really long, to sum it up: it's not hard at all as long as you're willing to work on it

AddieCake · October 2013

maybebabytx said:

Also, thank you guys so much for all the advice! It has helped!

@AddieL73 where in Texas did you get married? Did most of your family and friends from home states make it to the wedding?

We got married in San Antonio. We invited 6 of my husband's family members; 3 of them came: his mom, brother, and sister. We invited 9 of my out-of-state family, and 3 of them came: my dad and my stepmom and my aunt.

ETA: We also invited his best friend and his fiance from his home state, but they were getting married on the same day. From states other than our home states, we invited a few friends as well. His groomswoman and her partner came, and then we paid for 2 of our friends to fly to be there as well.

Whose family should have to travel?

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