My siblings are in the party and they have children. How to tell them children are not invited.

kneff4423 · October 2013

I have five young nieces and nephews, their parents are in the wedding party. We are having a night wedding at a train station next to active tracks. All but two are in agreeance no children. How do I approach the two hold outs?

P.S. It is getting ugly...

NYCMercedes · October 2013

kneff4423 said:

I have five young nieces and nephews, their parents are in the wedding party. We are having a night wedding at a train station next to active tracks. All but two are in agreence no children. How do I approach the two hold outs?

P.S. It is getting ugly...

I know my kids. They would ask me to spread the word to their sibs. . "Oh, btw, kneff is having a kid-free wedding." As usual, they would expect me to handle the repercussions, which I would gladly do. PS. That's a hint for you.

manateehugger · October 2013

kneff4423 said:

I have five young nieces and nephews, their parents are in the wedding party. We are having a night wedding at a train station next to active tracks. All but two are in agreence no children. How do I approach the two hold outs?

P.S. It is getting ugly...

I know per etiquette you don't have to invite children, but honestly if my sister was telling me "Don't bring my nieces and nephews!" I'd be a little pissed too. My cousins or extended family, whatever. But my own sibling? Yeah, I'd be mad. But that's me personally.
This sounds like a family dynamic thing, so we might not be much help. Honestly, just keep restating your decision and changing the subject: "I'm sorry that this upsets you, but we have made the decision to have a child-free wedding. It's final. But anyway how is work going for you? Do you have weekend plans?"
And stop feeding them BS excuses about train tracks and nighttime - that sounds like a dis to their parenting skills.

palrmt · October 2013

Unfortunately for them, this is not a negotiation. Children are not allowed. Be polite but firm. If they choose not to come because of the no kids rule, that is their choice. Don't put it on your invitations, just address the invitation to the adults that are invited. If they RSVP with their kids, then call them to inform them that the kids were not invited.

Blue_Bird · October 2013

kneff4423 said:
I have five young nieces and nephews, their parents are in the wedding party. We are having a night wedding at a train station next to active tracks. All but two are in agreence no children. How do I approach the two hold outs?

P.S. It is getting ugly...

"I'm sorry you will miss the wedding. We'll have to get together when we very back from our honeymoon"

Liatris2010 · October 2013

They don't have to agree. It isn't a debate. Their kids aren't invited. The end.

If they bring it up:

"FI and are aren't inviting kids, so we'll have to see niece and nephew some other time." Then change the subject and refuse to talk about it.

photokitty · October 2013

NYCMercedes said:
I know my kids. They would ask me to spread the word to their sibs. . "Oh, btw, kneff is having a kid-free wedding." As usual, they would expect me to handle the repercussions, which I would gladly do. PS. That's a hint for you.

Listen to NYC, she's a wise mom. See if your mom can deliver the news and soften the blow. The safety issue alone is a good reason to not have the beloved little people at the event. GL!

delujm0 · October 2013

is the venue specifically not allowing kids? If things get really ugly, can you tell them that the venue doesn't allow guests under, say, 14 years of age because of the active tracks? That their insurance policy forbids it? If they won't listen to reason like a rational person, a little white lie might go a long way.

Also, how old are the two "hold out" children? If they are immobile babies, for example, the above won't work, because they would never find themselves on train tracks. If there's a nursing mother in the mix, that might be why she's so cranky about it. it's almost as much work for a nursing mother to leave her baby at home (find an adequate sitter for an infant, need to pump at the reception, etc) than it would be to just bring them along. That's not to say you have to ALLOW it however. i'm just trying to see it from their point of view.

WonderRed · October 2013

You reiterate to them that this is how it is. If they threaten to not come you tell them that you are sorry they won't be able to make it.

I have a 6 year old and, for the life of me, I don't at all understand other parents who think their precious pumpkin is entitled to go wherever they go just because junior passed through their loins. Family wedding or not, I completely get and accept that sometimes he's not going to be included. If my DS isn't included I get a sitter. If I'm unable to get a sitter, bummer for me because then I can't go. Such is the real world.

MandyMost · October 2013

I say you stress how much you love the kids, and how much you love spending time with the kids, and how you're planning on going out of your way to do all kinds of things with the kids, but that you're having an adult event. You explain that your vision for your wedding involves very sophisticated, classy, adult fun with adults dancing and drinking and talking, and that a kid--no matter how well behaved--is not welcome to you evening adult reception.

This is what I've been saying to my brother and sister-in-law, who have 3 kids (by the time of the wedding next year they'll be 13, 7, and 4). My sis-in-law was "hurt" that I wasn't involving her kids, particularly the only girl who's currently age 6, because she's going to "be missing out on all the wedding stuff". Ummm, the only way she'll know she's missing out on anything is if the parents tell her! (My brother agrees with me on this one).

I've compromised by allowing the kid to come to one dress shopping outing, and perhaps some kind of girly event like getting our nails done, so she "feels included". The older boy will be invited to some type of guys event (like a "bachelor party" golf outing or something like that).

Personally, my biggest issue with this is that i'm inviting my sis-in-law's parents and sister, who we often spend holidays with, and who I feel like I should invite as a good faith measure of "we're all a family now", because that's honestly how I feel. That means all of my brother and sis-in-laws typical babysitters are invited to the wedding. I say, not my problem. They have OVER A YEAR to find another babysitter for ONE NIGHT. Or, if one of her relatives themselves chooses to babysit instead of coming to the wedding, that's up to them. But I'm still inviting them.

itzMS · October 2013

We included the nieces and nephew in our rehearsal dinner. That was our "family" event.

Our reception was no kids. No negotiation. Brothers and sisters got over it.

Just hold firm.

delujm0 · October 2013

MandyMost said:

This is what I've been saying to my brother and sister-in-law, who have 3 kids (by the time of the wedding next year they'll be 13, 7, and 4). My sis-in-law was "hurt" that I wasn't involving her kids, particularly the only girl who's currently age 6, because she's going to "be missing out on all the wedding stuff". Ummm, the only way she'll know she's missing out on anything is if the parents tell her! (My brother agrees with me on this one).

I've compromised by allowing the kid to come to one dress shopping outing, and perhaps some kind of girly event like getting our nails done, so she "feels included". The older boy will be invited to some type of guys event (like a "bachelor party" golf outing or something like that).

Personally, my biggest issue with this is that i'm inviting my sis-in-law's parents and sister, who we often spend holidays with, and who I feel like I should invite as a good faith measure of "we're all a family now", because that's honestly how I feel. That means all of my brother and sis-in-laws typical babysitters are invited to the wedding. I say, not my problem. They have OVER A YEAR to find another babysitter for ONE NIGHT. Or, if one of her relatives themselves chooses to babysit instead of coming to the wedding, that's up to them. But I'm still inviting them.

That is intense. I will never understand parents that are insulted that their precious children aren't invited EVERYWHERE. Can't the 13 year old babysit the other two for one night? I definitely babysat when i was that age. Also I was in my aunt's wedding when i was 4...i barely remember it, and i doubt that a 6 year old is going to feel slighted unless someone tells her to. Some people are crazy.

MGP · October 2013

kneff4423 said:

their parents are in the wedding party

First of all, if you choose a no kids wedding that's entirely up to you. Stand firm on your decision.

But - I just have to ask did you make it known that this was a child free event when you asked these people to be in the wedding party and they accepted? Or did they just assume that since they were family and part of the wedding party that their entire family was invited?

Just because that can make a huge difference in accepting a role in the wedding party. Especially if there is travel and/or arranging for child care. Not a deal breaker for some, but maybe for others.

LisaA2014 · October 2013

I would let my siblings bring their kids. The train track reason is ridiculous, parents are in charge of their children's safety. Our wedding is kid free but you better believe our nephews are invited.

lovesclimbing · October 2013

You are within your rights to have a child-free wedding. However, as a few people have mentioned, don't use excuses like it's night time and it's near train tracks. I'm sure you don't mean to, but you are treating the parents like children. They do not need you to keep their children safe, that's their job as parents

Liatris2010 · October 2013

LisaA2014 said:

I would let my siblings bring their kids. The train track reason is ridiculous, parents are in charge of their children's safety. Our wedding is kid free but you better believe our nephews are invited.

Then your wedding isn't kid-free.

Liatris2010 · October 2013

LisaA2014 said:

I would let my siblings bring their kids. The train track reason is ridiculous, parents are in charge of their children's safety. Our wedding is kid free but you better believe our nephews are invited.

Then your wedding isn't kid-free.

arrippa · October 2013

LisaA2014 said:

I would let my siblings bring their kids. The train track reason is ridiculous, parents are in charge of their children's safety. Our wedding is kid free but you better believe our nephews are invited.

That's nice for you and your nephews but OP wants a truly kid free wedding. I think she needs to hold firm and keep saying "no".

Jen4948 · October 2013

LisaA2014 said:

I would let my siblings bring their kids. The train track reason is ridiculous, parents are in charge of their children's safety. Our wedding is kid free but you better believe our nephews are invited.

There is no automatic entitlement that siblings are allowed to bring their kids. If parents can't be counted on to control their kids (and some can't) the "train track" reason is not only not "ridiculous" but a good predictor of what will happen if the parents do bring their kids. And couples who do not invite kids, even nieces and nephews, are not doing anything wrong.

zitiqueen · October 2013

AGREEMENT.

lovesclimbing · October 2013

Jen4948 said: LisaA2014 said: I would let my siblings bring their kids. The train track reason is ridiculous, parents are in charge of their children's safety. Our wedding is kid free but you better believe our nephews are invited. There is no automatic entitlement that siblings are allowed to bring their kids. If parents can't be counted on to control their kids (and some can't) the "train track" reason is not only not "ridiculous" but a good predictor of what will happen if the parents do bring their kids. And couples who do not invite kids, -even nieces and nephews, are not doing anything wrong.
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Again, it is fine for her to want a child-free wedding. But she should not be using train tracks and night time as an excuse. It is not the bride's responsibility to parent other people and their kids. It is the parents' responsibility to care for their kids. I can't believe that these people are such bad parents that they will let their kids kill themselves on the train tracks.

Jen4948 · October 2013

lovesclimbing said:

Jen4948 said:

LisaA2014 said:

I would let my siblings bring their kids. The train track reason is ridiculous, parents are in charge of their children's safety. Our wedding is kid free but you better believe our nephews are invited.

There is no automatic entitlement that siblings are allowed to bring their kids. If parents can't be counted on to control their kids (and some can't) the "train track" reason is not only not "ridiculous" but a good predictor of what will happen if the parents do bring their kids. And couples who do not invite kids, -even nieces and nephews, are not doing anything wrong.

------------------------------------------

Again, it is fine for her to want a child-free wedding. But she should not be using train tracks and night time as an excuse. It is not the bride's responsibility to parent other people and their kids. It is the parents' responsibility to care for their kids. I can't believe that these people are such bad parents that they will let their kids kill themselves on the train tracks. The parents may not, but they may still be very negligent and expect the bride and groom and others present to watch their kids rather than do it themselves; they may also fail to rein in overtired kids who are up past their bedtime. Those are valid reasons for the OP not to want the kids there.

I have to admit that I was using "train tracks" differently from the OP.

My siblings are in the party and they have children. How to tell them children are not invited.

Re: My siblings are in the party and they have children. How to tell them children are not invited.

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