Wedding Woes

My dad didn't pay for my college, but is paying for my other siblings.

Dear Prudence,
My parents divorced when I was 5 years old. I have a strong and loving relationship with both my parents and each has remarried and started new families, which means I have much younger half siblings, whom I also love dearly. My father and stepmother never helped me financially through college, though their house and lifestyle would lead me to believe they could have. I worked to pay for college, lived at home, and made excellent grades. But I am saddled with over $100,000 in school debt. Now my younger sister has started college. My father and stepmother have been paying a significant amount of her tuition, are helping with day-to-day expenses, and encouraging her to study abroad. She's stated that she’s been told "school is her job" and she doesn’t have to work. I feel like I need to distance myself and cool off, but still want to share with my father how unfair this all seems to me. How do I deal with the anger and resentment I feel toward my sister and the "second family"?

—Frustrated First Daughter

Re: My dad didn't pay for my college, but is paying for my other siblings.

  • Wanna know part of the reason my sister was wenchy at the soccer game?  She thinks my parents paid more college for me because I was there for 5 yrs.  Never mind my 2 extra semesters were $14 each  (I did not leave off zeros).  Never mind the internship money paid a lot of the next semester.  Never mind I had scholarships and worked.

  • 6fsn said:

    Wanna know part of the reason my sister was wenchy at the soccer game?  She thinks my parents paid more college for me because I was there for 5 yrs.  Never mind my 2 extra semesters were $14 each  (I did not leave off zeros).  Never mind the internship money paid a lot of the next semester.  Never mind I had scholarships and worked.

    Uhm, your sister needs to build a bridge and GTF over it.
  • mrsC's advice is also applicable to the OP.
  • Basically she thinks I've led a charmed life.  I can't deny that, but we grew up in the same house.  She's bitter about the car I got ($1500 Chevy Citation I drove for 4 years and she drove 3).  She's bitter I went to Europe (on my babysitting money).  She's bitter my ILs are in my kids lives.

    Yes, she does need a bridge.  Her life doesn't exactly suck.

  • I'm curious about OP's job - and why she felt it was necessary to rack up $100K+ in school loans. (I mean, if she's a doctor or lawyer it's understandable.)

    it might seem shitty and unfair, but her parents can spend their money how they choose and she really does need to GTF over it.
  • I don't know; it does seem shitty and unjust.  I'd say something to them.
    image
  • She can always wait and pay them back with a crappy old folks home.
    image
  • WzzWzz member
    2500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    that's my plan, Nola.
  • 6-your sister should take that energy she's wasting on being upset about the differences and be thankful for her own life.

    Seriously.  What a waste.

    And I also love NOLA's response, because it's so anti-NOLA. 

    She's frisky today.
  • She can always wait and pay them back with a crappy old folks home.
    My parents had a similar sentiment on a frig magnet.  They also have some good long term care insurance.
  • Siblings don't get treated equally. When you're, like, 10, or even in your teens, it's okay to be a little miffed at this. It's age-appropriate. Not so much in your 20s. 

    My middle brother was coddled and given a lot of stuff; my youngest brother was babied. Did this feel unfair when I was 16? Sure. Did I really give a crap when I was 22 and my parents still let me do laundry at their house? No. My parents have done some great stuff for me, that I needed, that my brothers didn't need. It all evens out in the end. 
    image
  • 6fsn said:

    Basically she thinks I've led a charmed life.  I can't deny that, but we grew up in the same house.  She's bitter about the car I got ($1500 Chevy Citation I drove for 4 years and she drove 3).  She's bitter I went to Europe (on my babysitting money).  She's bitter my ILs are in my kids lives.

    Yes, she does need a bridge.  Her life doesn't exactly suck.

    So, she thought it was OK to LIE about you and insult you, within earshot because of this?  Has she always felt this way and it's finally coming out - or is your recent SAHM-ness bringing it out? If it's recent then I'm guessing there is something else major going on in her life that is bringing out the jealousy.  You may need to have a heart-to-heart with her (assuming you haven't already.)
  • I don't get why saying anything would do anything but make her feel better about venting.  And that's selfish, quite frankly.  Is she expecting her parents to cut her a check to make it "more fair"?  Or stop helping her sister to make it more fair?  I'm sure her sister might have some feels about that one.

    And she has no proof that they could've helped her through college, she just thinks so.  She's looking backwards at something that she lived through as a young adult.  She doesn't have all of the information.  

    She needs to grow the hell up.
  • Zilla, my mom says, "Just make sure I don't smell like pee."

     

    Ha. Got it, mom.

    image
  • AuntFlo said:
    So, she thought it was OK to LIE about you and insult you, within earshot because of this?  Has she always felt this way and it's finally coming out - or is your recent SAHM-ness bringing it out? If it's recent then I'm guessing there is something else major going on in her life that is bringing out the jealousy.  You may need to have a heart-to-heart with her (assuming you haven't already.)


    She's always been like this to a degree.  Apparently when she was planning my bridal shower she kept singing "Whatever 6 wants, 6 gets" to the tune of Lola.  My input was that we have real food.  She worked 1.5 days when her kids were little so I don't think it's anything about that.

    I do know she's had a lot of stress with schools and kids and her MIL so I'm cutting her a little slack.

  • If anyone should be pissed it should be my brother too.  He got a full ride for undergrad.  They even gave him laundry money.  Then he turned around and had to take out loans for med school.
  • VarunaTT said:
    I don't get why saying anything would do anything but make her feel better about venting.  And that's selfish, quite frankly.  Is she expecting her parents to cut her a check to make it "more fair"?  Or stop helping her sister to make it more fair?  I'm sure her sister might have some feels about that one.

    And she has no proof that they could've helped her through college, she just thinks so.  She's looking backwards at something that she lived through as a young adult.  She doesn't have all of the information.  

    She needs to grow the hell up.
    But would it have killed them to say "oh man, First Daughter, I wish we had been able to help you like this when you were in college"?  That's all it would take, just some show of understanding that you realize that you're doing something that makes it look like First Daughter was just your practice family in preparation for the real thing, and a reassurance that this isn't truly the case.
    image
  • VarunaTT said:
    I don't get why saying anything would do anything but make her feel better about venting.  And that's selfish, quite frankly.  Is she expecting her parents to cut her a check to make it "more fair"?  Or stop helping her sister to make it more fair?  I'm sure her sister might have some feels about that one.

    And she has no proof that they could've helped her through college, she just thinks so.  She's looking backwards at something that she lived through as a young adult.  She doesn't have all of the information.  

    She needs to grow the hell up.
    But would it have killed them to say "oh man, First Daughter, I wish we had been able to help you like this when you were in college"?  That's all it would take, just some show of understanding that you realize that you're doing something that makes it look like First Daughter was just your practice family in preparation for the real thing, and a reassurance that this isn't truly the case.

    I agree with Kuus. I think it bothers me more because it's like first daughter isn't as good as newer daughter.
  • I'm landing w/ Kuus on this one.

    I don't think fair is always the same as equal, blah blah blah.
    But acting like it never occurred to you to that this is an issue and that maybe you could have/shold have offered something sits wrong w/ me.
  • WzzWzz member
    2500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Pmegamom is right. sometimes all you need is acknowledgement. obviously the past is the past, and there is no changing it. but it would be nice to just let the daughter know that dad and step mom care this is an issue. maybe they can explain why. maybe he didn't have the means when she was in college and they didn't let on there was money trouble, who knows. there are a lot of things different about my childhood from my sister's because of my parent's situations changing over time, and it's not like they did things on purpose. but all things being equal? a little "i'm sorry, i didn't realize you felt this way" could go a long way.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards