My interpersonal relationships are in shambles all over the damn place.

ReturnOfKuus · October 2013

So earlier this week I posted about being somewhat at odds with BIL and his new wife, and the week before it was people from high school (though I did have dinner with the one old friend that I was actually disappointed not to see, and it was wonderful). I realize that I'm the common denominator here, so no need to belabor that point. Moving on...

I have this friend I've known about as long as I've known Mr. Kuus (we'll call him K). The three of us have been friends almost that whole 14 years, actually. Not friendly acquaintances, or even the kind of friends who hang out and do activities but don't confide or anything, but truly close friends. Well, K and I have been; he and Mr. Kuus were just in the past couple of years starting to be this kind of friends. Anyway, in the past year his wife has befriended Mr. Kuus (and me to some extent, but she probably more befriendly-beacquaintanced me) after having no interest in us for the past decade, and now they're getting divorced. Of course it sucks for us, because his stbx is a really cool person and I've been angling for the whole decade for her to be our new bff, but that's minor compared to how much it sucks for them.

Being friends and all, K has confided in me about the end of the marriage, and I've heard a little from his stbx, too (though Mr. Kuus knows a lot more about that end). And even hearing his side of it... he's in the wrong a lot, about many things, and if he's this obviously (to me) wrong in the story skewed to his perceptions, I can only imagine how dead wrong he is from her side. This would all be moot if he didn't want her back desperately, but since he does, shifting his perspective could mean the difference between this being a wake-up call they barely remember thirty happily married years from now, and him doing the same crap with woman after woman and whining about how terrible women are when they all leave him. And in an amazing stroke of luck, which it is is entirely under his control.

Of course I've said this to him, gently (Kuus gently, probably not regular people gently), and so has Mr. Kuus. And now he's not talking to us, and has blocked us on FB while keeping us as FB friends. It's really pissing me off.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here. Since he's not speaking to me, there isn't really a course of action to take. I guess I could leave a message saying I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry; I still want him to get out of his own way and be happy whether that's with his stbx or not. I did leave a "hey, how are you?" message that has gone unreturned. I'm just mad that being a friend has lost me a friend.

Grabows14 · October 2013

Well. I can say I know how you feel and now because of my experiences, I don't get involved with people's relationships between each other. People will never listen, and they will never change, unless they want to. Your advice was probably unsolicited, and there really is nothing you can do at this point to get him talking with you until he wants to talk to you.

It's tough, sorry that you got caught in the middle.

mrsconn23 · October 2013

Man. That's tough, Kuus. It totally sucks that you were honest and tried to help him out and this is his reaction.

From what you've described, I think this is a situation where he's either going to come around to you (and maybe his wife) or he's not. He's acting like a giant assface right now (especially with the FB shenanigans).

YAY for your dinner with your HS friend. Meh at your BIL and SIL.

Oface4eva · October 2013

Dang, Kuus. That is what a friend does. They call their friends on when they fck up and then hopefully figure out a way to fix things together.

Yes, that is the Sesame Street version, but really----that is what friends SHOULD be for. Quality Control. All the way.

*sigh* It's a tough spot for sure, but know that you only want what is best for him and his current and future relationships. Delivery is important too, but asking Kuus to be less Kuus-like is a crime.

VarunaTT · October 2013

Some people appreciate what one of my friends calls my, "brutal truth telling honesty". Other's don't. There's not much you can do about it. He's in a bad spot right now, but hopefully he'll be able to get through it and at least forgive you, even if he doesn't listen, and you can get back on track.

FWIW, remember me telling BFF that I couldn't be happy for her engagement? We've talked once since then. I bit my tongue and lied telling her that I was happy for her (which I could be happy she was happy and just avoid talking about douchelord) and avoided wedding talk. To my knowledge, they aren't married, but we still haven't spoken in...4 years? *shrug* Not much I can do.

After that, another friend I kept my mouth shut. I've never been so unhappy at a wedding and so relieved at a divorce party. I said something about never having liked the guy, she pounced on me and asked why I never said anything. I asked her if she would've listened, she laughed and said no and we went on.

Oface4eva · October 2013

I just never pretend to be someone I'm not, if you don't want to be friends with that/me, go find someone to blow smoke up your ass, because it's certainly not me.