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Recent MOG

icoproicopro member
Sixth Anniversary First Comment
in Moms and Maids
My son (only child) and gf recently engaged. I have tried to reach out to son and fdil about dates, if they want me to do anything, help, money, etc. No response. I have a good rel with son, but don't know fdil well - they live about 5 hour drive away,but do visit during summer as we live in a resort city. From reading boards, some brides want family involved in planning, while others don't want any family members, or only select family members or friends involved. Future fdil is close to her grandmother, but has a strained rel with her parents due to their divorce. So, what to do? Just show up at the wedding?
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Re: Recent MOG

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    When all is said and done, showing up at the wedding is really all you need to do.

    You might give them some time.  A lot of times when couples get engaged, they're not automatically ready to start making plans, and they could be feeling overwhelmed.  If you really want to be helpful to them, then just so indicate and be ready to follow through should they ask for help.


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  • icoproicopro member
    Sixth Anniversary First Comment
    Good idea. However, as some brides have written, when they know the MOG has no daughters, they try to include them as they will never have an opportunity.
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  • doeydodoeydo member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    icopro said:
    Good idea. However, as some brides have written, when they know the MOG has no daughters, they try to include them as they will never have an opportunity.
    Well, that would a nice thing to do but not a necessity or expected.  Also, you get to be the mother of the groom, and you might have already been a bride.  
    As you've said, you live a 5 hour drive away and don't know her very well.  If you were close, maybe she would want to involve you more.  However, I agree with Jen4948 that they have only just gotten engaged and may not even be thinking about the wedding yet.  It's nice that you want to help, but I think maybe you should just relax about it more and just let them know that you are there to help without talking about it all the time.  That way, if they want to involve you, they will bring it up.
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  • Lauderdale PinkLauderdale Pink member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    The other thing that helps is finance.  Sit down with your husband and decide how much you can contribute to the wedding, but be aware that the only part you might contribute is the money.  
    Brides who do not know their FILs very well are hesitant to take the money towards the wedding because they are not ready to give up the reins.  
    Once my husband and I made the offer of our contribution, I have stayed out of everything else.  I love my FDIL, but don't know her as well as her mother does, so I am letting them make the decisions.  It is actually a lovely, stress free way to approach my son's wedding. 
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  • Majelin86Majelin86 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    I have a great relationship with my parents & I didn't ask them for help (they did help us out financially though, upon their offer). My mom & dad offered to help with everything, and my mom did come to some things, like the florist, the dress, the decorator appt, etc, but I didn't really have anything for her to 'do' other than that. The centerpieces I DIY'd but I liked to do them myself as I'm kind of a control freak and wanted them a certain way :s There was really not much else that she could've helped with. So maybe she just doesn't have much for you to actually 'do'? Unless you mean helping out financially, which they may not realize you're willing to do? Even with my parents helping financially I still felt weird asking them for money, so they'd just offer to pay for something when they heard me talk about it (like the one day I was talking about flowers and my mom was like 'well when your dad picks them up he can just pay the florist').
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited October 2013
    My daughter was married almost a year ago. So from a recent MOB perspective:  My husband and I decided from the beginning that we didn't want to 'take over' like my own mother did when we planned our wedding over 35 years ago. We decided how much $$ we wanted to contribute and handed a very generous check to my daughter and SIL as our gift to them, no strings attached.Since we weren't inserting our opinions, right and left, they felt comfortable sharing details and bouncing ideas off us. They planned a lovely wedding and reception that reflected their own tastes. 

    Since you've already offered to help, I would suggest you wait a few months before you bring it up again. When they start talking dates, you can let them know that you'd like to contribute. You can offer them X dollars, like we did,  or offer to pay for a specific item (s), such as the flowers or music. From what I've read on these boards, most couples are thrilled to have either set of parents pay for and plan a rehearsal dinner, not that you're obligated to do that, just a suggestion.



                       
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  • melbelleupmelbelleup member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    My son (only child) and gf recently engaged. I have tried to reach out to son and fdil about dates, if they want me to do anything, help, money, etc. No response. I have a good rel with son, but don't know fdil well - they live about 5 hour drive away,but do visit during summer as we live in a resort city. From reading boards, some brides want family involved in planning, while others don't want any family members, or only select family members or friends involved. Future fdil is close to her grandmother, but has a strained rel with her parents due to their divorce. So, what to do? Just show up at the wedding?

    It depends on your FDIL and your sons opinions. My FMIL only has boys and she's always wanted a girl so I try to include her in as much as possible. That being said, she doesn't really give an opinion other than saying it's beautiful and she loves it.. IDK if that's her real opinion or she's just saying that haha. Just wait and see. They just got engaged so I wouldn't pressure too much.
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  • allispainallispain member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited October 2013
    OP, I have a story for you. Before I got engaged, I had spent plenty of time with DH's mother and stepfather. However, I had never met his father and stepmother even though DH and I had been together for 3 years, they only lived 1.5 hours from us, and we had invited them to dinner, holidays, etc. multiple times over those years. They usually didn't even bother to respond to our invitations.

    As soon as we told them we were engaged, they wanted to meet up with us for a meal. My SMIL cried, kept hugging me, and telling me how excited she was about the wedding and how she would love to help me plan it. Let me repeat - this is the first time I had met this woman. In fact, given their attitude prior to the engagement, I really felt like they couldn't care less about me - she just wanted to plan a wedding. My reaction? I was polite to her, I thanked her for her offers of help, but gently indicated that I would be planning the wedding with my mother's help (I didn't mention that my MIL would also help with some ideas, since they don't get along and I didn't want to cause strife).

    All throughout our engagement, SMIL contacted me constantly with ideas of things for the wedding, asking if she could come to help me find a dress, etc. I was always polite but put her off. Maybe I could have been more open to her, maybe some posters will say that I should have been, but I would have felt super awkward having this woman who I didn't know with me when I was trying on dresses, at my fittings, etc. For the record, DH also thought it was really awkward and weird and he 100% supported me in not involving her in the planning process.

    Basically, what I am trying to express through my own story is this: don't try to insinuate yourself into just the wedding planning. Reach out to your FDIL as a person and not just as a bride. You two don't know each other all that well yet, so try to get to know her without even bringing the wedding up. You can give her a call sometime or even see if she would like to Skype with you. Show her how excited you are that she is marrying your son and becoming a member of your family. Had my SMIL done any of this, I probably would have been much more inclined to include her in the planning process. Instead, I felt like she only cared about the wedding and didn't care at all about getting to know me as a person, which is why I felt so put off by all her attempts to involve herself.

    ETA - edited for grammar
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  • SJM7538SJM7538 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Jen4948 said:
    When all is said and done, showing up at the wedding is really all you need to do.

    You might give them some time.  A lot of times when couples get engaged, they're not automatically ready to start making plans, and they could be feeling overwhelmed.  If you really want to be helpful to them, then just so indicate and be ready to follow through should they ask for help.
     
     
     
    This exactly. When my fiance and I first got engaged I immediatly booked our venue and bought my dress and then after that I did nothing for about 7 months. It was great. I got some big ticket things out of the way and then was able to enjoy being engaged for awhile.
     
     
    I think it's wonderful that you want to help and be a part of it. It sounds like you have offered your assistance and if they decide to take you up on it, thats great. If not then I would just enjoy your son's wedding.
     
    You said they come to visit you during the summer... is it possible for you and your husband to plan a trip to go see them instead? Maybe a long weekend to spend some time with them and get to know your FDIL better?
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  • saric83saric83 member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    SJM7538 said:
    Jen4948 said:
     
    You said they come to visit you during the summer... is it possible for you and your husband to plan a trip to go see them instead? Maybe a long weekend to spend some time with them and get to know your FDIL better?
    This was my thought too as I first read the post.  The wedding stuff can be exciting and fun, but I think figuring out how to get to know your FDIL should be a higher priority.  So if traveling to them isn't an option, even emails with her could be a good place to start.  I would keep it away from wedding stuff and just try to get to know her better without too much pressure.  

    FWIW - I adore my MIL, and I did ask her to come dress shopping since she only has boys and seemed interested in going, but this is where any planning or conversations about the wedding ended with her.  While I love and care for her quite a bit, I didn't want or need her help with planning.  So if you end up not being as involved as you would prefer, try not to take it too personally or be upset with your FDIL.  Planning by committee is stressful and just not helpful for some people.  

    Good luck! 
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