Should I let my mom come to the bachelorette party? and what to do with a momzilla?!?!

Re: Should I let my mom come to the bachelorette party? and what to do with a momzilla?!?!

• doeydo member

  

  October 2013

  angelcc20 said:

  my mother found out that my bridesmaids and MOH want to take me to Vegas for my bachelorette party. I was super excited that they wanted to do that but here is the problem...my mom seems to think she is invited and invited on of our friends as well (who is not in the wedding party) I am not too upset that she invited our mutual friend because I like her but the problem I do have is that I wanted it to just be me and my bridesmaids. and for some background information I love my mom but since I got engaged she has become a major pain in the rear!! she constantly argues with me if I don't want things her way and refuses to let my fiance's mother have anything that she doesn't have (if his mom has 84 guest then she wants 84 guest even when she made her list first and it wasn't that large) she thinks everything is a competition between his mother and her and thinks that I am always planning things behind her back and leaving her out! she judges everything I pick out and is SO DRAMATIC that she has said multiple times with flailing arms "well than I just wont show up at the wedding!" and storms out. she has complained saying that I push her away when I ask for an inch of room to just pick something out without being torn apart! she either wants to be 100% in every wedding decision or not at all! and to give some perspective I have given her tasks to do and have on multiple occasions sat down and try to talk it out and she says she knows and will be better but never changes. 

  
  

  so I have two questions:

  1. how do I tell her she is not invited? ( OR do I just let her come and ignore her?)  Your bridesmaids and/or your MOH should maybe do so because it is their party for you, so she was kind of rude to invite herself as well as someone else. I mean, what mother attends her daughter's bachelorette party?

  2. how do I calm the crazy psycho that is now my overbearing mother.  Don't give her attention when she throws temper tantrums.  treat her like you would a child.  If she says "Well I won't just go to the wedding then" and throws a hissy fit, just say "Oh, that's too bad.  We'll miss you on our wedding day" and then continue with whatever you were doing.  Also, if she is contributing financially, you should decline/return the money because then she will have no say in the planning, ("he who pays has a say").

  
  

  
  

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• AddieCake member

  

  October 2013

  doeydo said:

   I mean, what mother attends her daughter's bachelorette party?
  

  
  

  This blanket attitude does not apply to everyone. If my mother had been alive, I would have wanted her at my bachelorette party. 

  
  

  OP, is your mother paying for the wedding? If so, she gets a say in what happens at it. If not, then stop talking wedding with her and when she asks why, tell her it's b/c of her dramatic attitude. 

  
  

  
  

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• misssunshine17 member

  

  October 2013

  In my circle, mother's generally attend the dinner portion, then leave when the ladies go out for the evening. Since you're going to Vegas, this obviously won't work for you. 

  
  

  Take Addie's advice (ps- Hi Addie! How ya been!?) If she's paying, she gets say and unfortunately for you, she's using that to full advantage. 

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• AddieCake member

  

  October 2013

  I'm swamped with work that I put off the last 2 weeks b/c my husband was home, and now I'm paying the price. I should definitely not be on TK, but I needed a break!

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• ktjanesmom member

  

  October 2013

  I never got the concept that if someone is help paying that means she gets a say.  I contributed to my daughters wedding with no strings attached.   It was after all , her wedding.  Anyway.  I have a feeling your mom will come undone if you tell her she cant attend your party so if it wouldnt be too hard for you. let her attend, keep the peace. 

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• AddieCake member

  

  October 2013

  I got lucky in that my father's money came with no strings attached, either, but most people do not seem to have that luxury. 

  
  

  
  

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• mysticl member

  

  October 2013

  ktjanesmom said:

  I never got the concept that if someone is help paying that means she gets a say.  I contributed to my daughters wedding with no strings attached.   It was after all , her wedding.  Anyway.  I have a feeling your mom will come undone if you tell her she cant attend your party so if it wouldnt be too hard for you. let her attend, keep the peace. 

  I feel "say" shouldn't be "your bouquet must have 6 white roses, 6 ivory roses, 6 pink roses and be hand tied with pink and silver ribbon".  However, "say" can be "there is no way we are paying $1,000 for the bridal party's flowers" or "we are not paying for lilac centerpieces because your father is allergic to them and will be miserable for entire reception".  

  
  

  I think if we are in a position to contribute to our child's wedding I would just say we are contributing x amount to the wedding and you will have to figure out how to pay for anything above that.  Then depending on circumstances I would either hand over a check for the amount at that time or would write checks directly to vendors as payment came due (or do whatever it is we do to pay people in 20-30 years, I doubt it will be an actual check by then).  

  

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• WinstonsGirl member

  

  October 2013

  Where I'm from, it's the norm to have MOB?MOG at the stagette.  Mine came for dinner, stayed for 1 drink at the bar and then went home early.  I don't think I've attended one that didn't have MOB there.  

  
  

  As for your Mom, if you don't want her there, don't invite her, though that may cause some hurt feelings on her part.  I'd just inform her of any major decisions or thinks she needs to know about and then stop talking about it with her, or hit the repeat button on what you've already said.  Don't get into extra conversations about it and stay calm.  She may be thriving on the drama, so don't give it to her.  

  
  

  At the risk of being possibly bad etiquette, could you have 1 stagette in Vegas with your WP and have your Mom organize another home stagette that she gets to attend.  Perhaps word your Vegas thing as a girls weekend with your WP versus stagette (even though it really is a stagette).  Invite some other guests from home to that one.  I know you've already given her jobs, and this is basically asking her to throw you a party, which is not cool etiquette wise, but it might get her off your back a little??  

  
  

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• APDSS22 member

  

  October 2013

  I would decline any money she offers because usually money comes with strings.  (It shouldn't, but it does and you have to deal with it if you want to keep the financial support.)  If she's not paying, stop giving her so many details.  If she didn't know where and when to show up for the bachelorette party, she would not be able to attend (and invite other people).  If she didn't know how many guests you gave your FMIL, she wouldn't get upset about not having so many.  If she feels hurt not being involved in every. single. decision you make, explain that this is your wedding and you're trying to enjoy the planning and her drama makes that difficult.  How's your FI doing with her over-involvement?  Has he had a say in how things are going at all?  If she keeps trying to force her involvement, try bean dipping.  Probably with something very controversial so she'll be distracted.
  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  October 2013

  AddieL73 said:

  
  

  doeydo said:

  
  

  
  

   I mean, what mother attends her daughter's bachelorette party?
  

  
  

  
  

  This blanket attitude does not apply to everyone. If my mother had been alive, I would have wanted her at my bachelorette party. 

  
  

  OP, is your mother paying for the wedding? If so, she gets a say in what happens at it. If not, then stop talking wedding with her and when she asks why, tell her it's b/c of her dramatic attitude. 

  
  

  
  

  
  
  My mother came to my first bach party. She's coming to my second one. What kind of mother is she? An awesome one. My FMIL is coming to my bach party too. Because she's also great.
  
  

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• angelcc20 member

  

  October 2013

  yes, she is giving us some money for the wedding, she is not paying for all of it but she is helping us with my dress, and a Deejay. she gave us a set amount of money that we could use and the rest we have to pay for ourselves. I really appreciate my parents and the money that they offered us but I feel that when its a gift it should be just a gift not "oh here's some money now its my wedding! BWAHAHA!" (which, btw, is how my mother is acting-not my father) I know I should be grateful for the help since his divorced parents (neither of them) want to contribute at all and we are not rolling is money, I am still in college and he works full-time. but I did not think that if they gave us the money she would want such a huge say. I love my mom and want to do all the wedding stuff with her from picking out dresses, centerpieces, flowers, etc. I would love to do that with her because we were so close before.but whenever we do she is horrible, now I feel like she is insane and demanding and making everyone in the family miserable.(trust me, its not just me, my dad and sibling both can't understand why she is being such a...well...we will say witch) I honestly have never seen such an ugly side of my mother before and I almost to the point where I wish I never had to see her again. (that's how bad it has gotten)

  
  

  TheFutureMrsRohlman22: I have started to give her less detail and she has been a tad bit better but I feel bad for leaving her out intentionally, but it had to be done. and my FI was not doing so well at the beginning and almost told her off about 5 times because she had made me cry more times than I would like to count. but at the very beginning of the engagement I told him that it was me and him 100% and that he comes first for me and I, him. so he is involved in the wedding completely he is more upset because my mom is being really mean to me. also, I do not understand what you mean by bean dipping. sorry and thanks for the advice!

  
  

  Winstonsgirl: I would be ok with my mother planning another party for me (I don't know the rules on that) if she wouldn't try to make it about her the whole time, because that is what she has been doing. she does thrive on the drama and LOVES being the center of attention, and I don't want to sound like a jerk but I wouldn't mind it being about me for once in my life instead of about her. but I will try to stay calm and leave her out of it if that is what she wants. the extra party was a good idea I think I might let her and just grin and bear it!! thanks!

  
  

  mysticl: that is what I want my mother to do! I want her to just give me X amount and pay it to the vendors that I choose and when I go over I would pay for it myself! I am so glad I am not the only one who thinks that! I know they are not millionaires and I appreciate their offer so much and I am so happy that someone else thinks they should have a limited say. but she wants the whole thing. you know one time I told her I wanted a different cake topper than the traditional bride and groom figurine and she flipped and said "well why not just give them a cake without icing than!" so yeah I have a huge problem on my hands! thank you!!!

  
  

  ktjanesmom: I am so happy that other people think it should be with no strings attached! as long as I spent the money of the wedding and not on something else than it shouldn't be a problem. I don't want to hurt her feeling and not invite her but it kinda sucks that she (once again) gets everything she wants and all the attention (when she was talking about going she even said I would have to watch her when she drinks!! I can't even have fun because I will be babysitting!!) thanks for the advice I think I might just have to let her go to save myself from her wrath but its sad that its going to ruin it for me because it was the one thing I was happy about because she wouldn't be attending.

  
  

  Addiel73,misssunshine17: I guess she should have a say but I don't think she should (I guess it depends on who you ask) I do love my mom and if she would be the kind of mother she was before I would love for her to attend but she has changed and not for the better. Its hard to explain how bad it has really gotten. 

  
  

  doeydo: I felt that way too! what mom goes to the party (but it was mostly because she has flipped that I feel this way) part of me wants her to come because I love her and the other parts wants her to kind of back the heck off. so I am torn! and I would return the money but me and my FI cant really afford the wedding without it. thanks!!

  
  

  So I think I will have to let her come along but since she invited the other girl, she can watch my mom because I am do done with her being the center of all the attention.  (they are around the same age anyways) I am done letting her bulldoze over me! and I will let her have an opinion but if I don't like it she can deal with it. I just realized that I am only getting married once and I will be darned if I let her control one more thing in my wedding! she better be ready because I will be respectful but I am not taking her temper tantrums anymore! she should love me enough to let me have my way at my own wedding. I always bend for her and I think its about time she bend for me! thanks for the advice!!! 

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  October 2013

  angelcc20 said:

  yes, she is giving us some money for the wedding, she is not paying for all of it but she is helping us with my dress, and a Deejay. she gave us a set amount of money that we could use and the rest we have to pay for ourselves. I really appreciate my parents and the money that they offered us but I feel that when its a gift it should be just a gift not "oh here's some money now its my wedding! BWAHAHA!" (which, btw, is how my mother is acting-not my father) I know I should be grateful for the help since his divorced parents (neither of them) want to contribute at all and we are not rolling is money, I am still in college and he works full-time. but I did not think that if they gave us the money she would want such a huge say. I love my mom and want to do all the wedding stuff with her from picking out dresses, centerpieces, flowers, etc. I would love to do that with her because we were so close before.but whenever we do she is horrible, now I feel like she is insane and demanding and making everyone in the family miserable.(trust me, its not just me, my dad and sibling both can't understand why she is being such a...well...we will say witch) I honestly have never seen such an ugly side of my mother before and I almost to the point where I wish I never had to see her again. (that's how bad it has gotten)

  
  

  TheFutureMrsRohlman22: I have started to give her less detail and she has been a tad bit better but I feel bad for leaving her out intentionally, but it had to be done. and my FI was not doing so well at the beginning and almost told her off about 5 times because she had made me cry more times than I would like to count. but at the very beginning of the engagement I told him that it was me and him 100% and that he comes first for me and I, him. so he is involved in the wedding completely he is more upset because my mom is being really mean to me. also, I do not understand what you mean by bean dipping. sorry and thanks for the advice!

  
  

  Winstonsgirl: I would be ok with my mother planning another party for me (I don't know the rules on that) if she wouldn't try to make it about her the whole time, because that is what she has been doing. she does thrive on the drama and LOVES being the center of attention, and I don't want to sound like a jerk but I wouldn't mind it being about me for once in my life instead of about her. but I will try to stay calm and leave her out of it if that is what she wants. the extra party was a good idea I think I might let her and just grin and bear it!! thanks!

  
  

  mysticl: that is what I want my mother to do! I want her to just give me X amount and pay it to the vendors that I choose and when I go over I would pay for it myself! I am so glad I am not the only one who thinks that! I know they are not millionaires and I appreciate their offer so much and I am so happy that someone else thinks they should have a limited say. but she wants the whole thing. you know one time I told her I wanted a different cake topper than the traditional bride and groom figurine and she flipped and said "well why not just give them a cake without icing than!" so yeah I have a huge problem on my hands! thank you!!!

  
  

  ktjanesmom: I am so happy that other people think it should be with no strings attached! as long as I spent the money of the wedding and not on something else than it shouldn't be a problem. I don't want to hurt her feeling and not invite her but it kinda sucks that she (once again) gets everything she wants and all the attention (when she was talking about going she even said I would have to watch her when she drinks!! I can't even have fun because I will be babysitting!!) thanks for the advice I think I might just have to let her go to save myself from her wrath but its sad that its going to ruin it for me because it was the one thing I was happy about because she wouldn't be attending.

  
  

  Addiel73,misssunshine17: I guess she should have a say but I don't think she should (I guess it depends on who you ask) I do love my mom and if she would be the kind of mother she was before I would love for her to attend but she has changed and not for the better. Its hard to explain how bad it has really gotten. 

  
  

  doeydo: I felt that way too! what mom goes to the party (but it was mostly because she has flipped that I feel this way) part of me wants her to come because I love her and the other parts wants her to kind of back the heck off. so I am torn! and I would return the money but me and my FI cant really afford the wedding without it. thanks!!

  
  

  So I think I will have to let her come along but since she invited the other girl, she can watch my mom because I am do done with her being the center of all the attention.  (they are around the same age anyways) I am done letting her bulldoze over me! and I will let her have an opinion but if I don't like it she can deal with it. I just realized that I am only getting married once and I will be darned if I let her control one more thing in my wedding! she better be ready because I will be respectful but I am not taking her temper tantrums anymore! she should love me enough to let me have my way at my own wedding. I always bend for her and I think its about time she bend for me! thanks for the advice!!! 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  I think you need to sit down with your mom.  Ask her again what the money she has given you for your wedding is supposed to be meant for.  If she says, "whatever you want", then you need to describe to her how it doesn't seem that way and then go into detail with specific events and situations where this has not been the case.  If at anytime your mom starts getting crazy during this conversation, you need to calmly say, "Mom, I love you but every time you get like this, you make it very hard to talk to you.  When you have calmed down, we can continue this conversation."  Then leave and stop engaging your mother.  You need to learn how to deal with her when she gets like this.  Sometimes weddings bring out the crazy in people and it seems to have done this to your mom.
  
  You mention that you don't want to have your mom steamroll you any more, but yet you are still letting her come to your bachelorette in Vegas.  This is the perfect opportunity to tell your mom that she is overstepping.  Tell her that you don't want her to come to Vegas and that this trip is just for you and your BP.  Then, if possible, change any plans that have been made and keep them from your mom.  Change the hotel, restaurant, and any other details your mom already knows about.  You can't stop your mom from going to Vegas with a friend, but you can stop her from knowing your plans.
  

  

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• huskypuppy14 member

  

  October 2013

  OP your mother sounds very immature. Just because she is helping pay for your wedding, doesn't mean she is entitled to go to your bachelorette party.  Other posters gave you some good advice; this is a great time to have some boundaries with your mom. Also, call her bluff; if she really wouldn't come to your wedding because she didn't like your cake topper (or whatever), that is just ridiculous. And it will look bad on her, not you.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• doeydo member

  

  October 2013

  doeydo said:

   I mean, what mother attends her daughter's bachelorette party?
  

  
  

  This blanket attitude does not apply to everyone. If my mother had been alive, I would have wanted her at my bachelorette party. 

  
  

  OP, is your mother paying for the wedding? If so, she gets a say in what happens at it. If not, then stop talking wedding with her and when she asks why, tell her it's b/c of her dramatic attitude. 

  
  

  It's a Vegas bachelorette party so I presume there will be drinking, gambling, strippers, and/or little penis related things.  In general, when I think "bachelorette party", that is what I think of anyways.  I suppose, though, some girls are best friends with their mom and would want them there.

  
  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  October 2013

  doeydo said:

  doeydo said:

   I mean, what mother attends her daughter's bachelorette party?
  

  
  

  This blanket attitude does not apply to everyone. If my mother had been alive, I would have wanted her at my bachelorette party. 

  
  

  OP, is your mother paying for the wedding? If so, she gets a say in what happens at it. If not, then stop talking wedding with her and when she asks why, tell her it's b/c of her dramatic attitude. 

  
  

  It's a Vegas bachelorette party so I presume there will be drinking, gambling, strippers, and/or little penis related things.  In general, when I think "bachelorette party", that is what I think of anyways.  I suppose, though, some girls are best friends with their mom and would want them there.

  My first bach party involved male strippers. My mom and my aunt were there actually, along with my bridesmaids. And we all had a blast. I'm lucky to have that kind of relationship with my mom. Maybe don't be so judgy, you know? The bach party my MOH is throwing me is a weekend upstate at a spa. Again, she's coming. All of my friends love her and made it a point to ask me if she was coming. 

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