Just Engaged and Proposals

Party in NJ to celebrate with those that won't make it to the wedding in CA??

I just got engaged and I'm already having wedding planning drama. I'm a native California girl and my fiancé is a Jersey boy. We live in Jersey now and plan to have our religious ceremony and small wedding reception in California. We wanted to host a party for his extended family and family friends in the next few months for all those that we know won't make it to the California ceremony, which will be June 2015. How should we inform our party guests that our wedding will be small and with immediate family only without offending anyone? Should we still invite everyone to the California wedding even if we know they won't come? Any suggestions on how to present this to our guests? When and how should guests be informed? Help! I want to include everyone important but it's hard to do so because of the location of our actual wedding.

Re: Party in NJ to celebrate with those that won't make it to the wedding in CA??

  • I have attended some "after wedding" parties and was touched that the couple would go to the expense of a second party so that I could be a part of it.  I love having the opportunity to wish them well in person and to bring my gift rather than send it.  
  • My cousin did this--they married in the Midwest, near her family, then held a second party (not a PPD) for his relatives on the West Coast. I think some folks may have been slightly miffed at not going to the real wedding, but hey, that's life and it was a pretty decent compromise all around. As for how they handled it--they didn't give people a choice--they sent the invites out to the people on each list that they felt should be at each event.

    You don't need to tell people they aren't invited to your wedding. It's not polite. What you can do is tell them what they ARE invited to.
    Make sense?
  • Teddy917Teddy917 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited October 2013
    kitty8403 said:

    My cousin did this--they married in the Midwest, near her family, then held a second party (not a PPD) for his relatives on the West Coast. I think some folks may have been slightly miffed at not going to the real wedding, but hey, that's life and it was a pretty decent compromise all around. As for how they handled it--they didn't give people a choice--they sent the invites out to the people on each list that they felt should be at each event.

    You don't need to tell people they aren't invited to your wedding. It's not polite. What you can do is tell them what they ARE invited to.
    Make sense?

    Actually it is extremely rude to make people's decisions for them. And you shouldn't invite people to a wedding related event (even if they didn't call it a "reception" if it was close to the wedding date or billed in anyway like it was related to the wedding or if they expected presents, it's still rude) and not to the wedding.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Why, why, why is this a trend? There is no need to go "on tour" for your wedding. People travel for weddings all the time. Or they don't. Life is full of things you can attend and things you have to decline. Have one party and invite everyone to it. If they can't come, they can't come. C'est la vie. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I don't get this trend either. Just invite everyone! They can make the decision to come or not. 
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  • Teddy917 said:

    kitty8403 said:

    My cousin did this--they married in the Midwest, near her family, then held a second party (not a PPD) for his relatives on the West Coast. I think some folks may have been slightly miffed at not going to the real wedding, but hey, that's life and it was a pretty decent compromise all around. As for how they handled it--they didn't give people a choice--they sent the invites out to the people on each list that they felt should be at each event.

    You don't need to tell people they aren't invited to your wedding. It's not polite. What you can do is tell them what they ARE invited to.
    Make sense?

    Actually it is extremely rude to make people's decisions for them. And you shouldn't invite people to a wedding related event (even if they didn't call it a "reception" if it was close to the wedding date or billed in anyway like it was related to the wedding or if they expected presents, it's still rude) and not to the wedding.
    The event I referred to was treated like a family reunion, from what I heard (I didn't go). And it took place weeks after the wedding. The point is that some families are large and don't have money to travel for your wedding, but you may still want your new spouse to meet them and see where you grew up. OP's question was whether she should announce whether certain people were disinvited from her wedding, and I still maintain that this is rude--just don't invite them. Doesn't mean you can't ask them to a different party.

    We are inviting extended family to ours, but I do have strong reservations about it. It would be much easier on all of them if we made two trips--one east, one west--to see them where they are. As it is, they probably just won't come, and I don't know when we'll be able to afford to visit.
  • To me, if it was oh so important to celebrate with your family, you would have tried like none other to have your wedding someplace where that family can attend. Otherwise, your venue/location/budget was more important than that family - which is a 100% valid decision, just own it. 
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  • kitty8403kitty8403 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited October 2013
    FI's family is 1600 miles east of us. Mine is about 600 miles west. Our parents are within six miles of us. It's not physically possible to marry where everyone is, so we have chosen to marry where we live. Somebody has to travel. I don't think this is an unusual scenario.

    ETA: that still means a lot of poorer relatives won't be able to see us. I don't see why it is wrong to visit them later.
  • kitty8403kitty8403 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited October 2013
    Unless maybe I am misinterpreting your objection and it's not the second party that's the issue, per se, but rather that you believe the OP should move her venue and invite more people, even knowing they likely cannot come? That is essentially what we are doing, so I could agree with you there--I just worry that no matter what we do, people who live far away will think it's a gift grab.

    ETA: If we had it in our budget to do so, I would invite everyone and also plan "home trips" and meet/greet parties in both families' states for those who couldn't attend. I just find it strange that people would object to a newly married couple doing a visit to their home state and hosting a reunion or a "meet my spouse" party.
  • manateehuggermanateehugger member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited October 2013
    Look - my family lives in New York, Washington, Missouri, Texas, Canada, Australia, UK, and India.  Trust me, I understand the difficulties of planning a wedding within easy traveling distance of everyone. 

    That doesn't mean we aren't going to invite that family. How is it a gift grab? Invitation =/= request for a gift. I fully expect those who decline our wedding to not send a gift. That's fine. But I'm not going to invite them to some consolation prize party because I didn't invite them to the actual wedding in the first place. 

    I don't think anyone here said having a family reunion is objectionable. I do think planning a wedding/reception-feel party for people you didn't invite to your wedding is inappropriate. It should have nothing to do with your wedding if you didn't invite those people to your wedding. If you want people to meet your spouse, cool fine. 

    My FI and I will likely travel to India within a few months of getting married. We aren't having a reception there, we are just staying with family. The visit doesn't have to be about us or our wedding. 

    My family also does a state-side family reunion every year. FI will go with me to next year's to meet the family who did not travel to our wedding. Again, it's not about us and our wedding. 
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  • Gotcha. It sounds like we are mostly on the same page there. As I said before, my main point to the OP was simply, don't announce to people that you aren't inviting them. Apparently that is a thing now. :-/
    Re the gifts thing, I know some Knotties strongly believe weddings do not require gifts, but that is definitely not the way I was raised--if you get an invite, you send something. This is not what I expect from my own guests, but it is what my mother expects from me, so I would be concerned about extended family feeling obligated to contribute.
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