NWR: How do you deal with people who break Etiquette in your circle?

AlexisA01 · October 2013

I usually *try* to offer suggestions, when they ask me about the situation, so they do not break rules but most of the time they exclaim to want to save money or they do not care. It is very nerve wrecking when some of my friends "host" parties or showers and ask for donations to fund the event. I just don't understand why they think they can get away with it and think their guest will be fine with their decisions. So just wondering, how do you all deal with people who knowingly break etiquette?

KeptInStitches · October 2013

It depends on the person and the violation, to be honest.

MGP · October 2013

KeptInStitches said:

It depends on the person and the violation, to be honest.

Totally agree.

If it's someone I am really close to I have no problem telling them I don't agree with their actions. If they choose to ignore what I say and do it anyways, that's on them. If it's someone I am not close to I probably wouldn't say anything.

But - either way you can guarantee I will 1) judge, 2) remember it, 3) affect my interactions with them in the future, and 4) decide if the relationship is worth maintaining. Sometimes it is, sometimes it's not.

AroundTheBlock · October 2013

Good manners are all about having a double standard. I hold myself to the highest standard of manners, and accept that everyone else has some good reason for the standard of manners that they follow. Sometimes their good reason is that they do not know any better, or that the actual rules of standard etiquette sound unacheivable or unreasonable compared to what they have heard from their peers, learned at home, or read on a website. If assuming that they do not know better is "judging" then I judge them, but I also tend to see the heart-goodness underneath their ignorance, and judge them favourably on that basis.

manateehugger · October 2013

It depends on the person and my relationship with them.

One friend was planning on having a tiered reception. I basically said what we say here, "It's like saying some people aren't good enough, looks gift grabby, blah blah blah."

A random acquaintance, I probably will just side-eye and move along.

Not knowing any better is kind of a poor excuse in my opinion; most etiquette is simply treating others with courtesy and respect. For more formal etiquette situations, I am more understanding. But basic manners shouldn't be something you don't "know." Addressing an invitation incorrectly? Fine. Not giving everyone a seat at the ceremony? That's rude, and you should know it's rude.

doeydo · October 2013

If I feel I am close enough with the person to be "brutally honest", I will tell them what I think and offer suggestions. If not, I just smile and wave.

Liatris2010 · October 2013

Depends on the relationship.

For long-term friends we are willing to overlook the occasional lapse in judgement. But we've demoted a handful of friends to acquaintances because of consistently rude behavior. The people who you make plans with and then show up an hour late? We don't make plans with them anymore. The people who have parties at their house, but don't offer anything other than chips and beer for lunch/dinner? We stopped accepting their invitations and stopped giving them any. We're still friendly when we see them, but we don't go out of our way to. And quite honestly, we are happier for it.

thisismynickname2 · October 2013

There are technical breaches that I don't mind, but when I do mind, I silently stew and judge. Maybe my annoyance comes out long after the fact while talking with another friend when there's a lot of wine involved.

s-aries8990 · October 2013

AlexisA01 said:

I usually *try* to offer suggestions, when they ask me about the situation, so they do not break rules but most of the time they exclaim to want to save money or they do not care. It is very nerve wrecking when some of my friends "host" parties or showers and ask for donations to fund the event. I just don't understand why they think they can get away with it and think their guest will be fine with their decisions. So just wondering, how do you all deal with people who knowingly break etiquette?

Please explain this. Do they "require" you to donate? Or are they asking for some help? If it's something they financially/logistically CAN do, but would be better with some help from a few people, I don't see that as a breech of etiquette at all. I've hosted parties and asked a few select people for some help, but usually only if they offer first.

If they say in the invitations that it is a potluck shower, or everyone is required to bring a consumable or cash, then I'd probably say something the next time they offer to host something, as in "You're not going to ask everyone to bring a bottle of wine to this baby shower like you did the last one, right?"

Like pps have said, if it's a minor infraction or I don't know the person well, I'll usually just take a mental note and move along. I'm also not one to chastise my friends when my opinion isn't asked.

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

If it's a very good friend, I might point it out. If not, I might say something innocently/off the cuff but wouldn't directly point it out. Example - I was talking wedding with a few casual friends/acquaintances. One was getting married and thinking about doing a honeymoon registry. Instead of saying "omg, don't!!! It's so rude and you're asking for money!" I said, "You know I heard they skim off the top so you don't actually get all the money. And you're not really getting the gift it says anyway, so it just doesn't really make sense to me."

climbingsingle · October 2013

I tend to keep my mouth shut. I had a very good friend have her second wedding last year. She had a honeymoon registry and a couple's shower. My checking account was hacked into and money was stolen and because of that, I couldn't donate to her HM fund on the day of the shower like I had planned. She called me the day after the shower to ask why my name wasn't on the list of people that contributed. I politely explained to her what happened with my account. I could have told her how tacky she was being. But I just didn't feel like it would make a difference.

My cousin also had a cash bar. I didn't feel it was my place to tell her it was against etiquette to make guests pay.

If it was one of my very best friends and they were discussing options and one of those options was against etiquette, I'd probably gently offer some other suggestions. But that's it.

grumbledore · October 2013

AroundTheBlock said:

Good manners are all about having a double standard. I hold myself to the highest standard of manners, and accept that everyone else has some good reason for the standard of manners that they follow. Sometimes their good reason is that they do not know any better, or that the actual rules of standard etiquette sound unacheivable or unreasonable compared to what they have heard from their peers, learned at home, or read on a website. If assuming that they do not know better is "judging" then I judge them, but I also tend to see the heart-goodness underneath their ignorance, and judge them favourably on that basis.

I disagree. I don't accept that others are rude. I judge it. Hard.

ETA: To answer the OP, it really depends. If it's one of my best friends, I would let them know, gently, that what they were doing was rude. If it's an acquaintance, I would likely not say anything but I would still judge.

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

It depends on who the person is (close friend, acquaintance) and what the infraction is (Honeyfund, potluck).

One of DH's coworkers is having a DW next year. On a Wednesday. At a place that's either an 8-hr drive or 7-hr flight (where we live to where it is isn't a standard route, so that's flying time plus layovers). It's either BYOB or cash bar, she hasn't decided, and we're all expected to chip in and rent a house with other people for four days so the happy couple gets a discount.

I'm side-eyeing the crap out of that. Because of all the etiquette breaches (and the logistics), we probably just won't go. But DH will probably want to send a present anyway.

s-aries8990 · October 2013

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I tend to keep my mouth shut. I had a very good friend have her second wedding last year. She had a honeymoon registry and a couple's shower. My checking account was hacked into and money was stolen and because of that, I couldn't donate to her HM fund on the day of the shower like I had planned. She called me the day after the shower to ask why my name wasn't on the list of people that contributed. I politely explained to her what happened with my account. I could have told her how tacky she was being. But I just didn't feel like it would make a difference.
My cousin also had a cash bar. I didn't feel it was my place to tell her it was against etiquette to make guests pay.

If it was one of my very best friends and they were discussing options and one of those options was against etiquette, I'd probably gently offer some other suggestions. But that's it.

She ASKED you why you didn't give her money?

s-aries8990 · October 2013

double post

climbingsingle · October 2013

s-aries8990 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I tend to keep my mouth shut. I had a very good friend have her second wedding last year. She had a honeymoon registry and a couple's shower. My checking account was hacked into and money was stolen and because of that, I couldn't donate to her HM fund on the day of the shower like I had planned. She called me the day after the shower to ask why my name wasn't on the list of people that contributed. I politely explained to her what happened with my account. I could have told her how tacky she was being. But I just didn't feel like it would make a difference.
My cousin also had a cash bar. I didn't feel it was my place to tell her it was against etiquette to make guests pay.

If it was one of my very best friends and they were discussing options and one of those options was against etiquette, I'd probably gently offer some other suggestions. But that's it.

She ASKED you why you didn't give her money?

Yes! And this is someone I've been friends with for 20 years. When I told her about my banking issues, her reply was, "Oh, I was worried that you donated and the travel agent forgot to include your name." Right.

AlexisA01 · October 2013

Yeah If it's someone i'm not close then it doesn't bother me as much compared to if it is a very close friend. Some of my friends grew up without knowing "proper" etiquette but the others think people wont noticed.

s-aries8990 said:

AlexisA01 said:

I usually *try* to offer suggestions, when they ask me about the situation, so they do not break rules but most of the time they exclaim to want to save money or they do not care. It is very nerve wrecking when some of my friends "host" parties or showers and ask for donations to fund the event. I just don't understand why they think they can get away with it and think their guest will be fine with their decisions. So just wondering, how do you all deal with people who knowingly break etiquette?

Please explain this. Do they "require" you to donate? Or are they asking for some help? If it's something they financially/logistically CAN do, but would be better with some help from a few people, I don't see that as a breech of etiquette at all. I've hosted parties and asked a few select people for some help, but usually only if they offer first.

If they say in the invitations that it is a potluck shower, or everyone is required to bring a consumable or cash, then I'd probably say something the next time they offer to host something, as in "You're not going to ask everyone to bring a bottle of wine to this baby shower like you did the last one, right?"

Like pps have said, if it's a minor infraction or I don't know the person well, I'll usually just take a mental note and move along. I'm also not one to chastise my friends when my opinion isn't asked.

No, they host it themselves and ask guest to put in X amount of dollars to pay for their food, entertainment, drinks, or catering instead of bringing a gift.

s-aries8990 · October 2013

AlexisA01 said:

Yeah If it's someone i'm not close then it doesn't bother me as much compared to if it is a very close friend. Some of my friends grew up without knowing "proper" etiquette but the others think people wont noticed.

s-aries8990 said:

AlexisA01 said:

I usually *try* to offer suggestions, when they ask me about the situation, so they do not break rules but most of the time they exclaim to want to save money or they do not care. It is very nerve wrecking when some of my friends "host" parties or showers and ask for donations to fund the event. I just don't understand why they think they can get away with it and think their guest will be fine with their decisions. So just wondering, how do you all deal with people who knowingly break etiquette?

Please explain this. Do they "require" you to donate? Or are they asking for some help? If it's something they financially/logistically CAN do, but would be better with some help from a few people, I don't see that as a breech of etiquette at all. I've hosted parties and asked a few select people for some help, but usually only if they offer first.

If they say in the invitations that it is a potluck shower, or everyone is required to bring a consumable or cash, then I'd probably say something the next time they offer to host something, as in "You're not going to ask everyone to bring a bottle of wine to this baby shower like you did the last one, right?"

Like pps have said, if it's a minor infraction or I don't know the person well, I'll usually just take a mental note and move along. I'm also not one to chastise my friends when my opinion isn't asked.

No, they host it themselves and ask guest to put in X amount of dollars to pay for their food, entertainment, drinks, or catering instead of bringing a gift.

Ugh really?

Normally when I encounter something uncomfortable (usually a social or etiquette situation) I usually play dumb and ask questions like, "Oh, I didn't know you needed help with the food! I know a really reasonable caterer" or "X's son is a starting out DJ and if you needed help with entertainment, I'm sure he'd be really cheap!"

photokitty · October 2013

Just had to deal with this one...my co-worker told me he was having a 2.5 hour gap and I politely tapped danced around explaining why gaps were bad and how they could host guests during that time. I guess I'm a direct, but polite call you on the carpet type.

lovesclimbing · October 2013

I don't have the guts to say anything. My sister has had several etiquette breaches so far and I've just sat there and listened.

Jen4948 · October 2013

Like I said, the other person started it-not me-whatever the fuck her reason was.

[Deleted User] · October 2013

Jumping in here. I removed any posts that quoted, @Jen4948's original comment.

We do not tolerate anything that can be taken as racism.

JellyBean52513 · October 2013

What would you do if your boss invited you to her wedding without your SO because "you can just sit with the other girls from work"?

APDSS22 · October 2013

JellyBean52513 said:

What would you do if your boss invited you to her wedding without your SO because "you can just sit with the other girls from work"?

Well, I would either go and sit with the other girls from work if I really enjoyed their company (and pretend it's a girls' night out where someone's getting married) or decline and stay at home with my husband (which would probably be my first choice in this situation). Since it's your boss, I would avoid any criticism of this plan (constructive or not).

JellyBean52513 · October 2013

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

JellyBean52513 said:

What would you do if your boss invited you to her wedding without your SO because "you can just sit with the other girls from work"?

Well, I would either go and sit with the other girls from work if I really enjoyed their company (and pretend it's a girls' night out where someone's getting married) or decline and stay at home with my husband (which would probably be my first choice in this situation). Since it's your boss, I would avoid any criticism of this plan (constructive or not).

Exactly.... we've all said that we would advise someone close to us not to go ahead with a rude idea, or we've suggested to other posters how to respond to an invite that excludes their SO, but how would you respond to an SO-less invite from your boss (especially if you're generally friendly with them at work, close in age, and you've spent time with them outside of work)? Would anybody here take one for the etiquette team and tell their boss how they felt about being invited alone?

manateehugger · October 2013

JellyBean52513 said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

JellyBean52513 said:

What would you do if your boss invited you to her wedding without your SO because "you can just sit with the other girls from work"?

Well, I would either go and sit with the other girls from work if I really enjoyed their company (and pretend it's a girls' night out where someone's getting married) or decline and stay at home with my husband (which would probably be my first choice in this situation). Since it's your boss, I would avoid any criticism of this plan (constructive or not).

Exactly.... we've all said that we would advise someone close to us not to go ahead with a rude idea, or we've suggested to other posters how to respond to an invite that excludes their SO, but how would you respond to an SO-less invite from your boss (especially if you're generally friendly with them at work, close in age, and you've spent time with them outside of work)? Would anybody here take one for the etiquette team and tell their boss how they felt about being invited alone?

It would depend on my relationship with my boss. My old boss - I probably would say something like, "I don't mean to invite a crowd to your wedding, but I think we would appreciate the same courtesy as your other guests of being invited with our spouses." Then again, he was appropriate enough to realize spouses should always be invited to social events- it's simple good management if nothing else.

It's not a whole lot different than anything else everyone has said here - it all depends on the relationship.

APDSS22 · October 2013

If you treat your boss like a close friend, maybe. If you treat your boss in any way differently because they are indeed your boss, I think it's prudent to be more circumspect. Most people on this thread say if it was only a close acquaintance they wouldn't try to correct them, they'd probably just decline the invitation. If they ask why, you might mention something about your SO not wanting to spend the night alone or prior commitment (to your SO but they don't have to know that) but hopefully it wouldn't come up.

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

KnotPorscha said:

Jumping in here. I removed any posts that quoted, @Jen4948's original comment.

We do not tolerate anything that can be taken as racism.

Thanks, KP! You're bomb-awesome!

Jen4948 · October 2013

I think it depends on your relationship with your boss and the organization you work for, and also on how hard it could be to lose your job and find a new one.

If you have reason to believe your job could be in jeopardy by declining the invitation,and you can't afford financially or otherwise to lose it or suffer other adverse consequences, your best course of action might be to just attend the wedding without your SO, even though it might be emotionally painful and despite the impoliteness of your SO not getting an invitation. Otherwise, when the stakes are not so high, you can decline it,

NWR: How do you deal with people who break Etiquette in your circle?

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