Asking parents for permission

psychbabe314 · October 2013

I think BF may have the ring! But, pushing that aside and trying to squash the super "OMG!!!" school girl scream inside of me and focusing on being relaxed and enjoying the moment, I cannot help but be sad.

A few weeks ago, I was adamant that BF ask my parents for permission. I told him that it would mean so much to me because I am trying to rebuild my relationship with my dad. I knew it would mean a lot to my dad too. Then, my dad relapsed. He took off again, not a word to anyone, and no body can get a hold of him. I am devastated. After my mom told me that he was gone again, I turned to my BF and said "I guess you don't need to ask my dad for permission anymore," and I broke down crying.

It would mean so much to me for BF to have asked my dad. Part of me hates him, but then he still is my dad so I always hope that someday things will be mended between the two of us.

I am excited for BF to propose, but sad because my dad is not a part of it.

I really need to go horseback riding. Clear my head. But, I really needed to just put this all down in writing and sort out my feelings.

bethsmiles · October 2013

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I don't know what the back story with your dad is but it sounds like he has been unreliable in the past and this may sound harsh but why would you want this man to have the power of giving you permission to get married or not?

Hummingbird125 · October 2013

I'm sorry for what you're dealing with as far as your dad goes. I can kind of relate, as I don't really have a relationship with my dad anymore outside of occasional very brief conversations. I haven't seen him in several years and my BF has never met him.

You need to focus on your future and your happiness, and while it's okay to be sad that your dad can't be there for you the way you'd like him to be, it doesn't mean he never will be. You can keep the door open for a happy, healthy relationship with your dad while still moving forward with your plans for your future.

psychbabe314 · October 2013

@bethsmiles- honestly, he use to be a great dad. Until a few years ago when he suddenly began to change. Now we know he is bipolar and has PTSD from when he was in the Navy. He started to self medicate with drugs. He has hurt my family over and over and over again the past 4 1/2 years.

I know having a mental illness is not an excuse for his behavior. But, I still remember him being the dad who taught me how to ride a bike, who use to scare that crap out of my high school boyfriends. I know he still loves me, when he is not manic he calls to check up on me, will go out of his way to help me out if I am in need of help, he just does not have control of his life.

psychbabe314 · October 2013

@Hummingbird125, Thank you for the positive thoughts! I appreciate it.

bethsmiles · October 2013

You can always ask his blessing after the fact when hopefully he is in a better place than to ask permission.

Mental illness is really tough to deal with. I hope that you can eventually get him the help he needs and he can go back to being the dad that you love/miss.

psychbabe314 · October 2013

@bethsmiles- We have tried several times to get him help. But, we cannot get him to stay in a place where he does not want to. Unless he is arrested and a judge forces him to go to rehab... we are out of luck.

Asking for his permission after the fact would be nice though. That is something to tuck away in my thoughts.

CLoGreenEyes · October 2013

I'm so sorry you and your family are facing this. Addiction and mental health issues in general are so sad and scary, especially when they so completely change a person who previously has always been reliable, dependable, and loving. I feel for you right now. *Hugs*

I have no great words of wisdom here. All I know is that you and your BF can still be happy together and still enjoy this time of your life together like crazy! And it IS exciting that he probably has the ring!

And while I definitely understand taking some time to grieve that your dad is not in a place to support these big impending life happenings, I hope that you won't let it totally sour the bigger picture. There is ALWAYS room for redemption, there is ALWAYS hope that your dad will realize what he is missing out on by continuing to fall back into these behaviors. It's possible that not getting to be a part of this huge moment in your life will be the impetus he needs to make some serious and lasting changes. Even if it doesn't, though, YOU have every right to pursue your own happiness, with or without his knowledge, blessing, or permission.

Please PM me if you want to talk/vent about any of this more in depth. I have a few immediate family members with bipolar disorder and addictions issues, so I am all ears and empathy if and when you need it.

Blackbird230 · October 2013

I always disliked the word "permission" when it comes to my BF asking my parents to marry me. I always found it more respectful for it to be a blessing. I'm a grown woman. I'm going to do what I want, however a blessing shows a sign of respect. I hope that your BF does get a chance to at least ask your father's blessing after the fact. It sounds like it's really not his fault he's run off again. Addiction at PTSD especially are tough.

psychbabe314 · October 2013

@Amapola14 - Thank you! I am trying not to think about it, but it is hard. But, I have the most amazing guy ever who has said he wants to be a part of my life, despite all my family issues! So, I do have a lot to be thankful for. Whenever BF does decide to propose I will be so happy that I can't imagine dwelling on my dad when the day finally is here.

@Kait- blessing is probably more what BF has had in mind. He has said that he really does not care what my dad says. But, it is tough for BF because they have so much in common and before BF found out about my dad's issues he thought I had the coolest dad ever!

loves2shop4shoes · October 2013

If it makes you feel any better, I don't believe in asking for permission. It's not 1412 and you do not come with a goat.

Asking for a parent/loved one's BLESSING, however, is another thing. I only cared that DH asked my brother for his blessing. DH also asked my mom and dad.

psychbabe314 · October 2013

@loves2shop4shoes - I want to come with a goat... milking a goat is the best way to have super soft hands! But, ya... blessing would be nice. That is sweet that your DH asked your brother. You two must be close.

Shiroyasha · October 2013

@loves2shopsforshoes You mean my BF doesn't have to give my family a dozen sheep and a bag of salt in trade for my hand in marriage? Now what are we going to do with all these sheep?

@psychbabe314 I'm sorry about your dad. Mental illness is tough to deal with both for those who have it and their loved ones. I can understand the want for a blessing, but maybe you can get it later when your dad is doing better.

psychbabe314 · October 2013

@shiroyasha, that seems to be the most popular opinion!

phira · October 2013

My fiance has never met my dad, although he's been around him once or twice. I haven't spoken to my dad in 4 years (and had previously been estranged from him for almost 4 years before a brief reconciliation).

I don't think there's much that I can say to help you feel better. Just know that you're not alone. There's nothing wrong with you. And you can still have a wonderful and happy relationship, and still have a good life even if your family isn't like ... 1950s white-people traditional.

lilyandsparrow · October 2013

Sorry OP.

My BF is the first man to not only live up to but exceed my expectations for how a man should act in a romantic relationship, and he's the best dad I know. My dad's not really a good dad or a good husband. I would be irrationally offended if my BF thought he had to ask my dad to marry me, because I consider "the man of my life" (besides my baby) to be

my BF, not my dad at all. I'm going to walk down the aisle holding my son's hand.

bethsmiles · October 2013

@lilyandsparrow - I don't being offended if your BF though he needed your dad's permission to marry you would be irrational at all!

psychbabe314 · October 2013

@lilyandsparrow - I think it is slightly different because I wanted him to ask for my dad's blessing. But, thank you for posting on this. It is good to hear people in similar situations.

katieg520 · October 2013

I have nothing additional to add that would be any different than what was said about, but I am so sorry that you're experiencing this. I can't imagine, and I wish you didn't have to either.

cu97tiger · October 2013

Sorry OP.
My BF is the first man to not only live up to but exceed my expectations for how a man should act in a romantic relationship, and he's the best dad I know. My dad's not really a good dad or a good husband. I would be irrationally offended if my BF thought he had to ask my dad to marry me, because I consider "the man of my life" (besides my baby) to be
my BF, not my dad at all. I'm going to walk down the aisle holding my son's hand.

I think it would be silly to be offended by your BF thinking he needed to ask your dad unless you two had had a conversation about it. While yes, it's not 1412 anymore, our SOs grew up in the same world we did, where the 'fairy tale' was finding the right person, asking her dad for her hand, and then asking her. If you don't want that fairy tale, then you should say something, you shouldn't just expect him to know that you don't want that.

beanbot2002 · October 2013

@psychbabe314 It looks like everyone has covered quite a bit. I'm really sorry that you're going through this. Since everyone has already covered most, I'll just leave this:

"There is nothing so good for the inside of a man, as the outside of a horse." Go for a nice long ride. You'll feel much better at the end.

mimiphin · October 2013

@ OP As many have said before Sorry you have to deal with this, let us know what happens

But I too agree with @lilyandsparrow, I told SO that I feel very strongly about him not asking permission, blessing whatever the hell you want to call it. If he wants to marry me then he better be asking me first! If I found out that he asked my dad, I would leave him, move out, no questions asked.

leia1979 · October 2013

cu97tiger said:

Sorry OP.
My BF is the first man to not only live up to but exceed my expectations for how a man should act in a romantic relationship, and he's the best dad I know. My dad's not really a good dad or a good husband. I would be irrationally offended if my BF thought he had to ask my dad to marry me, because I consider "the man of my life" (besides my baby) to be
my BF, not my dad at all. I'm going to walk down the aisle holding my son's hand.
I think it would be silly to be offended by your BF thinking he needed to ask your dad unless you two had had a conversation about it. While yes, it's not 1412 anymore, our SOs grew up in the same world we did, where the 'fairy tale' was finding the right person, asking her dad for her hand, and then asking her. If you don't want that fairy tale, then you should say something, you shouldn't just expect him to know that you don't want that.

While I agree it's very unfair to just expect someone to know something without telling them, I do think it's an easier assumption with some people than others. I did explicitly tell H that the only person he should ask was me. However, I do think that even if I hadn't said that, it would not be unreasonable for him to suspect I'm not a fan of asking permission/blessing or anything that could remotely associate marriage with a property transfer. Yes, I know many people don't view it that way, and it's totally a personal preference.

OP, I'm sorry about your particular situation. I hope that you are able to work things out with your dad eventually.

psychbabe314 · October 2013

@beanbot2002 – Yes, a ride is exactly what I need right now! It has always been the way I have coped with my family life and it is really a stress relief for me.

Thanks everyone... I think the first thing I need to stop doing is checking the news every morning. I keep checking to see if his name is in the paper. Of if there is a John Doe... It just worries me! But, I appreciate all of the concern and good thoughts. You are all amazing!

lilyandsparrow · October 2013

Sorry I didn't mean that other people should be offended for their BF's asking their parents. I do think it's a cute idea if you like your dad.

I just meant that, because my dad & I do not have a good relationship, I personally would not like for my BF to "ask" my dad, especially since he knows how I feel about my dad. That's all!

psychbabe314 · October 2013

lilyandsparrow said:

Sorry I didn't mean that other people should be offended for their BF's asking their parents. I do think it's a cute idea if you like your dad.
I just meant that, because my dad & I do not have a good relationship, I personally would not like for my BF to "ask" my dad, especially since he knows how I feel about my dad. That's all!

That makes sense. At one point I wanted nothing to do with my dad. This time I just got my hopes up that something had really changed for him. He really seemed to be trying to make things better.

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