No Kids Wedding? Not Sure?!

genmiguel94 · October 2013

Our invite list is at 200 right now including kids. Me and my FI were talking about probably taking out "kids" from our wedding, that's about 20 subtracted from the total of guest. Now when we mean no kids I mean 13 and under. The problem I would see is my aunts are coming down from Orlando (we live in Miami), that's a total of 7 kids. Now this is MY family and its not like they have anywhere to drop them "off" since their out of town (will stay for the weekend). I'm just not sure if some people would get offended. I know its my wedding, I just don't want people to get bothered by me telling them or not being able to go because they don't have a babysitter. I just don't know what to do, I mean its 20 seats that could be replaced by actual people we would want for them to see us get married, not kids that will either fall asleep or just not even care I guess! What do I do?!!? Am I being rude by taking this option?

Belichick · October 2013

There is nothing rude about having an adult only wedding, as long as you don't say 'adult only' or 'no kids' on the invitation.

I am a mom of three and I enjoy an evening without my kids so I have no problem with kid free weddings, but I also have access to reliable childcare. This is not the situation for everyone. Just realize that you may have some declines due to childcare issues or simply not wanting to be away from their children.

SomethingBeautiful08 · October 2013

Why the 13 age limit? If that splits family, i.e. an older child is invited while younger siblings are not then I would think about reconsidering limit.

There is nothing wrong with your plan, even for out of town guests. They might choose to leave their kids at home with a sitter close to their home for the weekend. They might choose to find childcare near the wedding. They might choose to decline, but that isn't up to you.

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

genmiguel94 said:

Our invite list is at 200 right now including kids. Me and my FI were talking about probably taking out "kids" from our wedding, that's about 20 subtracted from the total of guest. Now when we mean no kids I mean 13 and under. The problem I would see is my aunts are coming down from Orlando (we live in Miami), that's a total of 7 kids. Now this is MY family and its not like they have anywhere to drop them "off" since their out of town (will stay for the weekend). I'm just not sure if some people would get offended. I know its my wedding, I just don't want people to get bothered by me telling them or not being able to go because they don't have a babysitter. I just don't know what to do, I mean its 20 seats that could be replaced by actual people we would want for them to see us get married, not kids that will either fall asleep or just not even care I guess! What do I do?!!? Am I being rude by taking this option?

1. You may or may not be being rude, it depends. You are free not to invite children, or to invite children only in circles, but you really shouldn't split up families (i.e., invite the 14-year-old but not the 12-year-old from the same family).

2. You may invite only some children -- nieces, nephews, first cousins, OOT guests, etc. -- as long as you're consistent (i.e., if you have two sisters and both have daughters who are six years old, but you like one and don't like the other, you can't really invite one and not the other without causing hurt feelings.

3. It is not rude to have a child-free wedding. But you need to be prepared for some people to decline because they can't/won't leave their children for the amount of time necessary to attend your wedding, especially if it's OOT for them.

4. Whatever you decide, stand firm. Be prepared for people to threaten not to come unless you invite their special snowflake children, too. Tell them, "I'm sorry. You'll be missed."

5. At our recent wedding, DH and I had six kids present -- my two-year-old nephew (an RB), his eight-year-old nephew (an RB), my first cousin's children (ages 5 and 7), my college roommate's baby girl (two months old the day of our wedding), and one of my best friend's four-month-old baby boy. I loved seeing the kids there, loved having them there, and wouldn't have had it any other way -- but that was our decision and our choice. Also, we did not invite the children of other guests -- kids who were the same age as the older kids but weren't related to us. No one even questioned it. No one assumed their children would have/should have been invited.

Good luck!

ktjanesmom · October 2013

"You cant please everyone, so you have to please yourself"!

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

ktjanesmom said:

"You cant please everyone, so you have to please yourself"!

This is horrible advice; please don't ever repeat it on this board. You certainly can't please everyone, but pleasing yourself at the expense of your guests is terribly rude.

mysticl · October 2013

genmiguel94 said:

Our invite list is at 200 right now including kids. Me and my FI were talking about probably taking out "kids" from our wedding, that's about 20 subtracted from the total of guest. Now when we mean no kids I mean 13 and under. The problem I would see is my aunts are coming down from Orlando (we live in Miami), that's a total of 7 kids. Now this is MY family and its not like they have anywhere to drop them "off" since their out of town (will stay for the weekend). I'm just not sure if some people would get offended. I know its my wedding, I just don't want people to get bothered by me telling them or not being able to go because they don't have a babysitter. I just don't know what to do, I mean its 20 seats that could be replaced by actual people we would want for them to see us get married, not kids that will either fall asleep or just not even care I guess! What do I do?!!? Am I being rude by taking this option?

Children are "actual people" and they may greatly enjoy your wedding and want to be at it, especially if they are family. We had a bunch of kids at our wedding and they had a blast. I've been to weddings where the kids were the ones who got the dance floor going. If you don't want kids at your wedding just own that. Don't speak for them (assuming they won't enjoy it) or for their parents (claiming you are giving them a break). Your aunts may be hurt that you don't want to include your cousins in your wedding. They also may not come. If they don't have childcare and you aren't inviting the children then they can't come.

ktjanesmom · October 2013

Its her wedding she can invite and not invite anyone she pleases. Kids or no kids, its up to her.

StephJean83 · October 2013

We are only inviting kids in our families and the three kids or friends, our 2 RB and the brother of one RB. I am prepared for some guests to decline, especially those who have to fly cross country, I am not so certain FH is ready for it or if he will just tell them to bring their kids. I know a lot of people allow OOT guests to bring their kids, however EVERY SINGLE GUEST IS OOT, which would increase our list to moved 400 and we are trying to cut it down to 300.

mysticl · October 2013

You mentioned that right now the kids are on the guest list. Is anyone besides you and your FI aware of this? If so you could end up with kids at the wedding even if they are not invited. Let's say your parents have mentioned to your aunts that you were planning to invite the kids. When the invite shows up without the kids names on it your aunts could assume that you made an mistake in the address since they were already told the kids were on the list. They might even call your parents who say "of course" they invited because you forgot to let them know you had changed your mind about having the kids there.

genmiguel94 · October 2013

@mysticl

@scribe95

What I meant to say is my cousins are invited, whats our familys' kids. Its the others' guest children, its not that I don't care about them cause I do truly care. Most of the children are around 2 or 3. I don't see how they would "enjoy" themselves if anything with experience they get fussy because of the music and lights. I don't mind having kids at our wedding its just we are trying to cut back on money.

climbingsingle · October 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

ktjanesmom said:

"You cant please everyone, so you have to please yourself"!

This is horrible advice; please don't ever repeat it on this board. You certainly can't please everyone, but pleasing yourself at the expense of your guests is terribly rude.

So.Much.This.

delujm0 · October 2013

genmiguel94 said:

@mysticl

@scribe95

What I meant to say is my cousins are invited, whats our familys' kids. Its the others' guest children, its not that I don't care about them cause I do truly care. Most of the children are around 2 or 3. I don't see how they would "enjoy" themselves if anything with experience they get fussy because of the music and lights. I don't mind having kids at our wedding its just we are trying to cut back on money.

It a perfectly acceptable "cut" to make to invite kids that are related to you but not other children.

But please don't assume that the parents won't be able to enjoy themselves if their kids are there - it's presumptuous. Many parents wouldn't bring their kids even if they were invited - others want to bring their kids everywhere because they believe they are perfectly capable of enjoying a wedding with their children present. They are adults who can feel however they want to feel, and it's not up to you to determine their feelings. If you're afraid kids will be a nuisence, just don't invite them.

Bottom line is, it's not rude to invite no kids, or to only invite the kids who are related to you. Do with that information what you will. We are inviting only our nephew an no other children. Though we have told a few friends who will have breastfeeding infants at the time that they may bring them if they need to (many people feel uncomfortable leaving kids under 6 months old with a sitter, and having to pump during a reception isn't ideal) - all of them have declined and are leaving them with family for the night.

mysticl · October 2013

delujm0 said:

genmiguel94 said:

@mysticl

@scribe95

What I meant to say is my cousins are invited, whats our familys' kids. Its the others' guest children, its not that I don't care about them cause I do truly care. Most of the children are around 2 or 3. I don't see how they would "enjoy" themselves if anything with experience they get fussy because of the music and lights. I don't mind having kids at our wedding its just we are trying to cut back on money.

It a perfectly acceptable "cut" to make to invite kids that are related to you but not other children.

But please don't assume that the parents won't be able to enjoy themselves if their kids are there - it's presumptuous. Many parents wouldn't bring their kids even if they were invited - others want to bring their kids everywhere because they believe they are perfectly capable of enjoying a wedding with their children present. They are adults who can feel however they want to feel, and it's not up to you to determine their feelings. If you're afraid kids will be a nuisence, just don't invite them.

Bottom line is, it's not rude to invite no kids, or to only invite the kids who are related to you. Do with that information what you will. We are inviting only our nephew an no other children. Though we have told a few friends who will have breastfeeding infants at the time that they may bring them if they need to (many people feel uncomfortable leaving kids under 6 months old with a sitter, and having to pump during a reception isn't ideal) - all of them have declined and are leaving them with family for the night.

You do know that 6 months isn't a cut off for breastfeeding right?

nadine529 · October 2013

Like most, my FI and I are on a very tight budget. Kids do count as people when it comes to your count with your caterer, setting up your tables, etc. I did not want little children running around (some of my friends little kids are bratty and obnoxious), and we did include "adult only reception" on our invitations. That spurred a few phone calls from a handful of folks that basically said, "we can't make it if we can't bring our kids." In one case, the call was from FI's best childhood friend, so we made the exception - and the kids were older, 10 & 12. In other cases, they had 2 year olds. We said, "so sorry, we will miss you". Frankly, if we had to include everyone's kids, we wouldn't be having a wedding. We did invite some of our friends' kids who were older 12+, and they all opted to leave their kids with a sitter. Do what you want to do, and I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but it is not the norm to expect to be able to bring your kids to a wedding. I think most people get that though.

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

I had a kid free wedding. We made the cut off 18 years old, although I think we ended up with only 1 or 2 people under 21. Anyway, I would make your cut off older so you're not potentially splitting up families. Once "kids" are 18 they're adults and get their own invitation anyway so that's why we chose this cut off point. If you want to make a few exceptions for close family/friends/ppl under 18 in the WP, that would make sense.

NYCBruin · October 2013

We are basically having a kid free wedding. There will be a few teenagers there. I know everyone will say that you should invite in circles or whatever, but I honestly can't understand why kids are any different than adults. I'm inviting some of my parents cousins and aunts/uncles, but not all of them. Similarly, the cousins who are under 18 that FI and I are close with will be invited, the ones we never see won't be invited. There are only 3 that will be under 18. One will be 17 and could easily pass for 18 and the other two are younger (8 and 12), but we aren't sure their parents will bring them anyways.

I never understood why you have to have a rule or invite in circles. I only see problems when you announce what your "rule" is and then people find out you made exceptions. Or if you say 10 year old Susie is invited but her younger brother isn't. Or if you tell people "we aren't inviting children" and then they see children at the reception. Don't give people an explanation for why their children aren't invited, just say "I'm sorry for the confusion, but the invitation was only for you (and your partner)."

annathy03 · October 2013

We aren't inviting kids, but all our first cousins are at least 18 so we may have made exceptions in that circle if they weren't. We are making an exception for my niece (we have no other nieces or nephews) since my sister is my MOH and I want to be accommodating if she wants to bring her, even though as of now she intends to leave her with her FIs parents. I wouldn't have been opposed to including other breastfeeding babies, but FI wasn't having it and it only affects his side of the family so I let it go.

Like PPs have said, not inviting kids isn't rude, just don't tell people your cutoff or say that it's "no kids" if you are inviting any, and don't break up individual families (ie inviting the 15 year old brother but not his 11 year old sister).

mysticl · October 2013

NYCBruin said:

We are basically having a kid free wedding. There will be a few teenagers there. I know everyone will say that you should invite in circles or whatever, but I honestly can't understand why kids are any different than adults. I'm inviting some of my parents cousins and aunts/uncles, but not all of them. Similarly, the cousins who are under 18 that FI and I are close with will be invited, the ones we never see won't be invited. There are only 3 that will be under 18. One will be 17 and could easily pass for 18 and the other two are younger (8 and 12), but we aren't sure their parents will bring them anyways.

I never understood why you have to have a rule or invite in circles. I only see problems when you announce what your "rule" is and then people find out you made exceptions. Or if you say 10 year old Susie is invited but her younger brother isn't. Or if you tell people "we aren't inviting children" and then they see children at the reception. Don't give people an explanation for why their children aren't invited, just say "I'm sorry for the confusion, but the invitation was only for you (and your partner)."

Let's say you invite Aunt Jenny and her kids and you invite Aunt Betty but not her kids. So Aunt Betty gets to the wedding and sees Jenny's kids and draws one of two conclusions, either you invited Jenny's kids but not hers even though they are all your first cousins or you didn't invite them and Jenny brought them anyway. With either conclusion Betty could become hurt/angry/offended, it's just a matter of who she is directing those feelings towards.

NYCBruin · October 2013

mysticl said:

NYCBruin said:

We are basically having a kid free wedding. There will be a few teenagers there. I know everyone will say that you should invite in circles or whatever, but I honestly can't understand why kids are any different than adults. I'm inviting some of my parents cousins and aunts/uncles, but not all of them. Similarly, the cousins who are under 18 that FI and I are close with will be invited, the ones we never see won't be invited. There are only 3 that will be under 18. One will be 17 and could easily pass for 18 and the other two are younger (8 and 12), but we aren't sure their parents will bring them anyways.

I never understood why you have to have a rule or invite in circles. I only see problems when you announce what your "rule" is and then people find out you made exceptions. Or if you say 10 year old Susie is invited but her younger brother isn't. Or if you tell people "we aren't inviting children" and then they see children at the reception. Don't give people an explanation for why their children aren't invited, just say "I'm sorry for the confusion, but the invitation was only for you (and your partner)."
Let's say you invite Aunt Jenny and her kids and you invite Aunt Betty but not her kids. So Aunt Betty gets to the wedding and sees Jenny's kids and draws one of two conclusions, either you invited Jenny's kids but not hers even though they are all your first cousins or you didn't invite them and Jenny brought them anyway. With either conclusion Betty could become hurt/angry/offended, it's just a matter of who she is directing those feelings towards.

I understand that this is the theory, but I just think it's silly to assume that this is going to apply to every family. I would advocate more of a "know your family" approach rather than offering blanket suggestions of "invite in circles."

For example, in our case we are inviting some of my cousins who are under 18 and not others. Sure it's possible that Aunt Susie (not real name) will be upset that her little darlings aren't invited but her sister Betty's children are. But the reality is that I see Betty and her children 3-4 times a year and I haven't seen Aunt Susie in three years and have only met her kids once. Susie knows this and probably won't be surprised or offended that Betty's kids made the cut and hers didn't.

delujm0 · October 2013

mysticl said:

delujm0 said:

genmiguel94 said:

@mysticl

@scribe95

What I meant to say is my cousins are invited, whats our familys' kids. Its the others' guest children, its not that I don't care about them cause I do truly care. Most of the children are around 2 or 3. I don't see how they would "enjoy" themselves if anything with experience they get fussy because of the music and lights. I don't mind having kids at our wedding its just we are trying to cut back on money.

It a perfectly acceptable "cut" to make to invite kids that are related to you but not other children.

But please don't assume that the parents won't be able to enjoy themselves if their kids are there - it's presumptuous. Many parents wouldn't bring their kids even if they were invited - others want to bring their kids everywhere because they believe they are perfectly capable of enjoying a wedding with their children present. They are adults who can feel however they want to feel, and it's not up to you to determine their feelings. If you're afraid kids will be a nuisence, just don't invite them.

Bottom line is, it's not rude to invite no kids, or to only invite the kids who are related to you. Do with that information what you will. We are inviting only our nephew an no other children. Though we have told a few friends who will have breastfeeding infants at the time that they may bring them if they need to (many people feel uncomfortable leaving kids under 6 months old with a sitter, and having to pump during a reception isn't ideal) - all of them have declined and are leaving them with family for the night.
You do know that 6 months isn't a cut off for breastfeeding right?

I am aware of this...but we won't have anyone on our guest list with children between the ages of 6 months and two years except for our nephew who is already invited.

mysticl · October 2013

delujm0 said:

mysticl said:

delujm0 said:

genmiguel94 said:

@mysticl

@scribe95

What I meant to say is my cousins are invited, whats our familys' kids. Its the others' guest children, its not that I don't care about them cause I do truly care. Most of the children are around 2 or 3. I don't see how they would "enjoy" themselves if anything with experience they get fussy because of the music and lights. I don't mind having kids at our wedding its just we are trying to cut back on money.

It a perfectly acceptable "cut" to make to invite kids that are related to you but not other children.

But please don't assume that the parents won't be able to enjoy themselves if their kids are there - it's presumptuous. Many parents wouldn't bring their kids even if they were invited - others want to bring their kids everywhere because they believe they are perfectly capable of enjoying a wedding with their children present. They are adults who can feel however they want to feel, and it's not up to you to determine their feelings. If you're afraid kids will be a nuisence, just don't invite them.

Bottom line is, it's not rude to invite no kids, or to only invite the kids who are related to you. Do with that information what you will. We are inviting only our nephew an no other children. Though we have told a few friends who will have breastfeeding infants at the time that they may bring them if they need to (many people feel uncomfortable leaving kids under 6 months old with a sitter, and having to pump during a reception isn't ideal) - all of them have declined and are leaving them with family for the night.
You do know that 6 months isn't a cut off for breastfeeding right?
I am aware of this...but we won't have anyone on our guest list with children between the ages of 6 months and two years except for our nephew who is already invited.

I see. The way you worded it just made it seem like you were only extending that to people with babies under 6 months but I totally understand it now.

annathy03 · October 2013

NYCBruin said:

mysticl said:

NYCBruin said:

We are basically having a kid free wedding. There will be a few teenagers there. I know everyone will say that you should invite in circles or whatever, but I honestly can't understand why kids are any different than adults. I'm inviting some of my parents cousins and aunts/uncles, but not all of them. Similarly, the cousins who are under 18 that FI and I are close with will be invited, the ones we never see won't be invited. There are only 3 that will be under 18. One will be 17 and could easily pass for 18 and the other two are younger (8 and 12), but we aren't sure their parents will bring them anyways.

I never understood why you have to have a rule or invite in circles. I only see problems when you announce what your "rule" is and then people find out you made exceptions. Or if you say 10 year old Susie is invited but her younger brother isn't. Or if you tell people "we aren't inviting children" and then they see children at the reception. Don't give people an explanation for why their children aren't invited, just say "I'm sorry for the confusion, but the invitation was only for you (and your partner)."
Let's say you invite Aunt Jenny and her kids and you invite Aunt Betty but not her kids. So Aunt Betty gets to the wedding and sees Jenny's kids and draws one of two conclusions, either you invited Jenny's kids but not hers even though they are all your first cousins or you didn't invite them and Jenny brought them anyway. With either conclusion Betty could become hurt/angry/offended, it's just a matter of who she is directing those feelings towards.

I understand that this is the theory, but I just think it's silly to assume that this is going to apply to every family. I would advocate more of a "know your family" approach rather than offering blanket suggestions of "invite in circles."

For example, in our case we are inviting some of my cousins who are under 18 and not others. Sure it's possible that Aunt Susie (not real name) will be upset that her little darlings aren't invited but her sister Betty's children are. But the reality is that I see Betty and her children 3-4 times a year and I haven't seen Aunt Susie in three years and have only met her kids once. Susie knows this and probably won't be surprised or offended that Betty's kids made the cut and hers didn't.

Yep, and even within the "circles" theory, some people will be offended no matter what. FI really hopes my sister will choose to leave my niece home because some of our cousins may get upset that they couldn't bring their kids. Even though niece/nephew of the B&G is clearly a closer circle than second cousins, there will be some people who may be hurt, and we know while it's fine etiquette wise that we are taking a small risk on the family drama roulette wheel.

[Deleted User] · October 2013

So not to hi-jack the thread but what about BP kids? Since it is understood that BP SOs should be invited, what about their children?

Jen4948 · October 2013

TexasBride2014 said:

So not to hi-jack the thread but what about BP kids? Since it is understood that BP SOs should be invited, what about their children?

Nope. It is on BP members to make their own arrangements regarding their children if the couple do not choose to invite them. BPs get to bring their SOs because everyone else does.

[Deleted User] · October 2013

Jen4948 said:

TexasBride2014 said:

So not to hi-jack the thread but what about BP kids? Since it is understood that BP SOs should be invited, what about their children?

Nope. It is on BP members to make their own arrangements regarding their children if the couple do not choose to invite them. BPs get to bring their SOs because everyone else does.

Fabulous thanks!

Jen4948 · October 2013

TexasBride2014 said:

Jen4948 said:

TexasBride2014 said:

So not to hi-jack the thread but what about BP kids? Since it is understood that BP SOs should be invited, what about their children?

Nope. It is on BP members to make their own arrangements regarding their children if the couple do not choose to invite them. BPs get to bring their SOs because everyone else does.

Fabulous thanks!

You're welcome!

SP29 · October 2013

Inviting in circles isn't a rule, it's a consideration that can help keep down any family drama. Up to the B&G to choose whether to use it or not.

I ran into this with my first cousins and essentially followed the "circle" rule. I don't have many, but 3 out of 5 sets are on my mom's side and I'm not really close with them; we used to be as kids, but not in the past 10+ years. I would for sure invite my oldest, but the other two, well I hardly ever see or talk to them. But, I chose to invite them all, as I think there would be hurt feelings inviting one but not the others when they are "family". FH also invited his two first cousins as he is inviting his aunt and uncle. However, I did not invite my first cousin who I have not seen since I was 3.

But I agree, keep any "rules" that you choose to follow or reasons for why inviting or not inviting to yourselves and invite children as you would like, or not like.

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