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OliveOilsMom · October 2013

drmrs2014 said:

A few months back I asked Knotties for advice on my FI's family's offer to help finance the wedding -- find it here. I did not accept any offers and have planned the wedding with my FI, mom, and dad without any issues. My parents are - as they have planned for and desire to do - financing the vast majority of the wedding.

The other day my FI mentioned that he had discussed with his parents some details of the wedding in the course of normal dinner conversation. While I had run past my FMIL that we were only hosting beer, wine, and a champagne toast and she seemed ok with it, my FI noted that when he brought it up again, she didn't remember me mentioning that. Both she and my FFIL told my FI that they would pay the difference between the limited and full bar.

I have a number of issues here:

1. My parents have given me a budget number and I have planned the wedding within that budget. A full bar might have been in the budget, but it wasn't important enough to my FI and I to spend more of the budget on it. We're not big drinkers and think that beer, wine, and champagne are enough to please everyone So, in essence, the limited bar wasn't as much of a financial decision as a personal one.

2. I am afraid my parents will be offended if I express my FMIL/FFIL's desire to pay for a full bar. My parents have very generously planned to throw me a wedding since my birth and it is very important to them to be the only hosts. I don't want it to seem like I am saying "You didn't give me a large enough budget, so I found someone else to give me money" - the exact opposite of how I feel.

3. FI's extended family and friends are pretty big drinkers. My biggest fear at my wedding is that someone or multiple people will drink too much and get out of hand. In particular, neither FI nor I want shots done at our wedding. However, if FMIL/FFIL finance a larger selection bar, I don't feel it would be right to place limits on the kinds of liquor and how it is served (he who pays has a say and what not).

My inclination is not to accept their offer to avoid all these issues, however I feel like the offer is a result of FI's extended family expecting a full bar and my FMIL urging me in that direction as a result. I want my guests to be taken care of and get what they want, but it might cause me and FI multiple headaches. Thoughts?

ETA: I understand that people can get just as drunk just as fast on wine and beer as hard liquor, I would just prefer there is not hard liquor and, especially, shots.

To start, not all venues will allow shots anyway. So if you do decide to do a full bar, just request that they not allow shots. And you're right, you can't dictate someone else's drinking.

As for the money issue. If your FILs want to host the open bar, I think you should take them up on their offer. They feel strongly about having the open bar and are willing to pay for it. Just because they are paying for the open bar, doesn't mean that they will be deemed the hosts of your reception. Perhaps before officially accepting the offer, start to go over wording for the invite. See if they would balk at having just your parents as the hosts.

As for your parents, just tell them that their gift was very generous. And that you had been planning carefully with the budget given. And while you had wanted just a limited bar, it was at FILs urging to do a full bar. And as a compromise, they offered to pay for it, so you just simply accepted their offer. I don't think it will make your parents contribution any less. It's not like FILs didn't like your reception venue and asked you to change it to the super fancy/expensive one.

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

I disagree. You said (in this post) that you and your FI didn't put more money toward an open bar because it wasn't a priority for you. (In your previous post, you said something different).

If it would offend your parents to have financial help and if you and your FI don't want an open bar, I would graciously decline your FMIL's offer.

But what do you REALLY want, and which will cause more hurt feelings: having your FILs cover the open bar or allowing your parents to be sole hosts?

Oh, and btw, the issue of who's paying doesn't determine who's hosting. Weddings aren't like symphonies; paying doesn't get you a sponsorship nod in the programme. Hosting is determined by who issues invites and attends to guests.

Lauderdale Pink · October 2013

If your parents did not want any financial help, then "add ons" from another party, who have already offered and been declined, are an insult. Thank them again for their offer but let them know everything will remain as it is planned.

NOW...be aware that people who are heavy drinkers may still get drunk on beer and wine. If they are dedicated to their alcohol, they may even smuggle in their own, personal flasks. You cannot control for the behavior of others.

MairePoppy · October 2013

1. According to your OP, the full bar wasn't in the budget and you were hoping that the FILs would offer to help out with the wedding. You aren't obligated to serve any alcohol, at all, at your wedding. A beer and wine bar are perfectly acceptable, but your FILs wanted to offer something extra. It's possible that they and their friends and family prefer mixed drinks.

2. As a recent MOB, I don't understand the sentiment that it's insulting to the POB for the POG to help out with the wedding. The wedding is just as important to them, as it is to your family. They are offering a gracious gift to you and your Fi, they're not saying that your family is cheaping out on the reception.

3. Big drinkers will get drunk, no matter what you serve, even if you have a dry wedding. They will get together before the wedding for drinks or they'll leave early to head off to a bar. You can't control anyone else's drinking decisions, except to ask the bartender to cut off anyone who is obviously drunk - something which they are supposed to do anyway.

Xstatic3333 · October 2013

My parents wanted to host as well, but when my FMIL offered to do the reception flowers I just explained that it was "important to her to contribute." That seemed to satisfy everybody. My parents were still the only listed hosts; they received the RSVPs and did a lot of organizing, so that was appropriate.

mrsbizzz · October 2013

@Xstatic3333 - This is the tact I took when I told my parents about their offer. It also seemed to assuage them. They do desperately desire to contribute, especially it is the first wedding for both families.

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