Talk to me!

CLoGreenEyes · October 2013

I haz questions for NEY.

1) What do you love about yourself? Like a list of qualities, not just one or two things.

2) What does your SO love about you?

3) How important is it to you that those lists overlap? Why?

4) Is loving someone more about who they are or about *how* they are? Why?

5) What makes your relationship now "different" from those before? What has changed and improved that makes this better?

katieg520 · October 2013

1) What do you love about yourself? Like a list of qualities, not just one or two things.
I love that I am a good mom, a good teacher,a good friend. I love that I work to get what I want and am an independent person. If I want something or want to achieve something, I figure out a way to make it happen. And last, but not least, I am a good driver!

2) What does your SO love about you?
I am pretty sure he would say the above things, plus he loves that I am a good cook.

3) How important is it to you that those lists overlap? Why?
To me, it is pretty important, because I need him to see the good in me before my flaws.

4) Is loving someone more about who they are or about *how* they are? Why?
Well, for me, it is for who they are. I love my FI because he is, by far, the kindest and best person I know. I know that, no matter what, he does things because he has thought about it and he honestly tries to do the right thing in ever situation. He always puts others before himself.

5) What makes your relationship now "different" from those before? What has changed and improved that makes this better?
This relationship is different because we work through problems via talking to each other. I think it's because I am older now and my temper has faded, somewhat.

Swazzle · October 2013

1) What do you love about yourself? Like a list of qualities, not just one or two things.

I'm loyal, I'm forgiving, I have pretty blue eyes, I'm trustworthy, I'm honest, I'm generous.

2) What does your SO love about you?

I'm good in bed. In all seriousness, though, you'd have to ask him.

3) How important is it to you that those lists overlap? Why?

Eh, I think he might see different things in me that he happens to appreciate more than I do and that's ok with me.

4) Is loving someone more about who they are or about *how* they are? Why?

It might be a little too early for me to be answering these because I don't understand the question.

5) What makes your relationship now "different" from those before? What has changed and improved that makes this better?

H "gets" me and loves me for who I am. He doesn't try to change me or mold me into something I'm not. We compromise.

CLoGreenEyes · October 2013

@swazzle, you answered it in #5. Basically is it more about who you are or about what you do and how you act or behave.

Sakalicious · October 2013

1) What do you love about yourself? Like a list of qualities, not just one or two things.
I'm a damn good scientist, I'm easy to get along with, and I'm resilient...and I like to think I'm amusing :P

2) What does your SO love about you?
I'm independent and down to earth

3) How important is it to you that those lists overlap? Why?
They don't need to overlap entirely, but it is important to have some qualities that are important to both of us.

4) Is loving someone more about who they are or about *how* they are? Why?
I think it is more about who they are....the qualities that make up the person...and not their actions at any given time.

5) What makes your relationship now "different" from those before? What has changed and improved that makes this better?
It's worth the difficult times (illness, being broke grad students, the stress of moving) and we care enough about what we have to get through anything.

Blue & White · October 2013

I haz answers. 1) What do you love about yourself? Like a list of qualities, not just one or two things. I'm ridiculously compassionate and empathetic, but don't get run over by my students trying to take advantage of me. I'm pretty awesome at not judging until I see the whole package. I am SO chill at wedding planning while still being efficient. I'm very musical and crafty. My blue eyes are amazing. My body/hair/face has the ability to wear a most any style I give it. I would be a really good undercover investigator. 2) What does your SO love about you? He thinks I'm the nicest person in the world and super smart. Basically he loves everything except that I make piles instead of organizing. That is apparently not attractive. 3) How important is it to you that those lists overlap? Why? I mean I would like both the lists to be about me so that I know we both understand who I am, but other than that I don't think the overlap is necessarily perfect. He sees things in me that I don't notice/pay attention to and vice versatile. It works that we are complimentary 4) Is loving someone more about who they are or about *how* they are? Why? Loving someone is about the person and who me how they are both with just me and with others. My biggest pet peeve is people with multiple personas. I need someone I love to be loving in all situations and of people of all backgrounds. 5) What makes your relationship now "different" from those before? What has changed and improved that makes this better? Truth be told? Fi has a degree, which apparently equates to motivation and our financial and career goals aligning. I've only had one other serous relationship, and we broke up before he dropped out of school because I couldn't see myself with a pad married to someone without a bachelors. Granted, I only have a ms in reality, but my ex and I are no longer compatible with our life goals, so I feel like it was a good decision for both of us. I also like that now we can plan OUR lives together instead of figuring out how his life would fit into mine or vice versa. We're on the same train tracks!

cu97tiger · October 2013

1) What do you love about yourself? Like a list of qualities, not just one or two things.
How deeply I care about other people

My eyes and smile

How, if I set my mind to it, I can accomplish great things

I iz smart

2) What does your SO love about you?

Some days I have no idea

I think he also likes my eyes

He likes how caring I am

He likes how low maintenance I am

He likes how comfortable he is opening up to me

3) How important is it to you that those lists overlap? Why?

I never really thought about that, but my gut feeling is that it's not very important. If DH loved me for all the things I hated about myself, that might be a problem. But if our top 5's are different, I don't think that's a big deal.

4) Is loving someone more about who they are or about *how* they are? Why?

Both. How they are *IS* who they are. How they treat other people says something about themselves. How they argue says something about themselves. How they act when they think no one is looking says something about themselves. Loving someone is loving ALL of that person.

5) What makes your relationship now "different" from those before? What has changed and improved that makes this better?

I never for one minute have tried to be someone else for DH. I never changed who I was or what I wanted for him. With how we met (online for a platonic purpose), I had no expectations, so I was my authentic self. It was very freeing and when we hit it off romantically, we both felt how amazing it was to be ourselves and be with someone we clicked with.

ShallowSeas · October 2013

1) What do you love about yourself? Like a list of qualities, not just one or two things.
I love that I'm a great listener, that friends feel comfortable coming to me and talking about their issues (must be the social worker in me!), that I'm passionate in things that I care about, determined, and independent.

2) What does your SO love about you?
He loves that I have a college degree and that I'm actually using, he loves how independent and self-sufficient I am, and he loves how nonjudgmental, respectful, and appreciative I am to him and others. He also loves that I can cook and bake

3) How important is it to you that those lists overlap? Why?
very. If its something I love about myself, then I would like my SO to notice those qualities as well.

4) Is loving someone more about who they are or about *how* they are? Why?
I think mostly who they are, but also a little bit of how they are. My BF is an amazing guy with morals and goals and compassion, and that's what I admire about him. At the same time, how he is attracts me to him, also. He is kind, loving, funny, and spontaneous. I think who and how go hand in hand.

5) What makes your relationship now "different" from those before? What has changed and improved that makes this better?
He treats me like a princess, takes care of, puts me before anything else, and is proud of me. That is something I'm not use to. I've always had to take care of myself and be completely independent. If i didnt depend on myself to do it, it didnt get done. I've never been treated like a princess daily, and I've never been someone's top priority. I've also never been shown so much respect and appreciation before in my life. My BF makes sure he tells me daily how much he appreciates everything I do for him, the pets, and around the apartment and makes sure to tell me every day how much he loves me. That to me is everything.

labro · October 2013

1) What do you love about yourself? Like a list of qualities, not just one or two things.

I love that I'm smart. I love me even if I'm sometimes unhappy about particular physical aspects like my boobs or my weight. I love that I am independent, reliable, compassionate, and assertive. I also love my eyes because they have a weird sunburst color that radiates from my pupil of brown to green.

2) What does your SO love about you?

My independence. My body. Sex with me. He loves how I treat others. He loves that I'm smart and we can have intelligent discussions together. He loves that I am active and that I'm a planner. You'd have to ask him the rest, I think he sees different qualities in me that I don't always notice.

3) How important is it to you that those lists overlap? Why?

Not very. We both love and emphasize different qualities in each other. I think our personalities are complementary and that we tend to bring out the best in both of us. We both inspire each other to be a better person.

4) Is loving someone more about who they are or about *how* they are? Why?

Like others have said, I think you can't have one without the other. BF's "how" comes from "who" he is. How he treats others directly correlates to the person he is. I love who he is because of how he is in life. Neither of us hide our true selves from one another.

5) What makes your relationship now "different" from those before? What has changed and improved that makes this better?

He treats me with respect and this relationship isn't one sided. In my previous relationship, I carried the weight of the relationship and didn't realize how terrible of a place I was actually in. When I finally saw "the light" I realized that I was in a relationship without love, trust, respect, or fidelity. I had also become less of myself if that makes sense. I didn't feel like "me" anymore. T loves me for who I am and supports me in my decisions. We work as a team and can have serious discussions about our future, money, how we want to raise our children, etc. We also trust each other completely. I think what makes a huge difference in our relationship is that we took our time to get to know each other and waited a long time to say "I love you". We're still taking our time with the next steps in our relationship, like getting engaged and then married, because we aren't in any rush and we love our lives together as they are.

buddysmom80 · October 2013

1) What do you love about yourself? Like a list of qualities, not just one or two things. I'm funny, smart, I get along with everyone really well, I'll do anything for anyone, I have pretty boobs, nice hair and I like my height.

2) What does your SO love about you? Physical qualities probably the boobies and I give eye contact during BJ's lol. I think he loves the fact that I make his life easier, I'm a nice person and will do anything for him.

3) How important is it to you that those lists overlap? Why? I think it's somewhat important. One thing BF and I butt heads on is the fact that I have to work on my self-confidence.

4) Is loving someone more about who they are or about *how* they are? Why? I love my BF for how he treats me and who he is so both are pretty equal (this was a tough question)

5) What makes your relationship now "different" from those before? What has changed and improved that makes this better? My BF treats me with respect, we are open and communicate about everything that could affect our lives, there's no drama, no fighting over the little things and he's calmed me down a lot. I think for me being older and being in two pretty rocky relationships taught me what not to do and what not to put up with in this relationship.

loves2shop4shoes · October 2013

Amapola14 said:
1) What do you love about yourself?

I'm incredibly intuitive. I'm smart. I can make most people laugh pretty easily. I'm confident. I have gorgeous eyes and a great ass. I learn quickly. I'm not afraid to put myself out there.

2) What does your SO love about you?

He says that I'm funny, kind, sweet, supportive, and I love him like no one else ever has.

3) How important is it to you that those lists overlap? Why?

It's not important. I would never describe myself as sweet, lol.

4) Is loving someone more about who they are or about *how* they are? Why?

HOW they are. I would not describe myself as a sweet person to anyone, but I'm sweet to my husband because I love him. Just because you ARE a certain way doesn't mean you display it (at all, or to most people). Loving someone is about HOW they are.

5) What makes your relationship now "different" from those before? What has changed and improved that makes this better?

DH has always supported me. He's been my best friend...always. With DH, it's not about the lust or the sex or the physical aspect. It's about the fact that he's my best friend, confidant, partner, and support system. DH is the only person I've ever REALLY cared about who has NEVER turned his back on me or majorly disappointed me in some way. He's the best part of my whole life.

phira · October 2013

1) What do you love about yourself? Like a list of qualities, not just one or two things. I like that I seem to be a good teacher. It means a lot to me that my students really like me, even when they're struggling and they come to me for help. I really love that my friends feel comfortable talking to me about all sorts of stuff, even the ugly stuff that you wish you didn't think or feel, but you do anyway.

2) What does your SO love about you? He loves that we communicate so well, and that we can have "meta-arguments," where we have discussions about how we communicate. He loves that I take care of him when he's sick, and that I let him take care of me when I'm sick. He loves how much I care about my students, even when they drive me up a frickin wall.

3) How important is it to you that those lists overlap? Why? It's hard to tell, honestly. I think some of the things that make me good at teaching are the things that make it easier for me to communicate in a relationship.

4) Is loving someone more about who they are or about *how* they are? Why? Hm. I think that loving someone is about who YOU are. I know people who haven't learned how to love someone; they seem to think that there's this switch that'll turn on when they meet the right person, and the other person's qualities will "make" them fall in love. But what it's always been for me is that I've fallen in love with someone because I see how they've made *me* feel and behave. It's not some trick they do or task they perform that makes me go, "Omigosh I love you!"

5) What makes your relationship now "different" from those before? What has changed and improved that makes this better? Now that I'm older, I can see that there are things that make a relationship "happy" that aren't really important or relevant. I used to think that my previous boyfriends were perfect for me, and I would justify that belief because they were Jewish, or we had shared interests, or I liked the person they wanted me to be--the cool laid-back girlfriend, the adventurous girlfriend, the cool-with-whatever-you-want-to-do-in-bed girlfriend.

The problem was, though, that I was not the cool laid-back, adventurous, cool-with-whatever-you-want-to-do-in-bed girlfriend. The problem was that it didn't matter if these guys were also Jewish. It didn't matter what interests we shared. I was miserable the whole time. Whether it was trying to convince either of them to spend more than 1-2 nights a week with me, or asking them to at least factor me in when they were trying to find new living arrangements (one wanted to move an hour away from me after I had made such an effort to find an apartment near him), or asking for them to do something for ME in the bedroom, nothing ever changed, and I stayed unhappy.

My partner is not perfect. He's not Jewish. Our shared interests aren't any MORE shared than my interests were with the other guys. He has some habits that bother me, and I know I have habits that bother him. But what's different now is that both of us have been through enough crap and drama that we're not going to bullshit each other about what we need from a relationship. I don't feel the need to lie and pretend I'm cool with him moving an hour away, nor do I feel like I can't speak up when I feel neglected in the bedroom. It's not necessarily because he's magical and our relationship is the best. It's because I'm able to say, from the start, "This is what I want and need," and if he had been like my old boyfriends ... I would have dropped him and moved on.

Hummingbird125 · October 2013

1) What do you love about yourself? Like a list of qualities, not just one or two things.

I'm intelligent. I am a great friend. I am a wonderful sister. I consider my mom one of my best friends. I have a strong relationship with my BF. I am the best pet-parent I can be. I value happiness/quality-of-life over money. I am a pretty good cook. I am an excellent baker. I throw awesome parties. I can be trusted to choose a great bar or restaurant. I have nice hair. I am good in bed. I am generous. I am creative.

2) What does your SO love about you?

All of the above, plus my bod.

3) How important is it to you that those lists overlap? Why?

Not too important - I'm sure he appreciates many things about me that I don't always see myself, and vice versa. What is important is that he loves things that aren't (all) superficial.

4) Is loving someone more about who they are or about *how* they are? Why?
Both.

5) What makes your relationship now "different" from those before? What has changed and improved that makes this better?

I haven't really been in any serious relationships before, so I can't compare. Compared to relationships I see around me, however, I think what makes my relationship with BF so strong is that we truly consider each other our "best friend". We just love being together and get along easily. Also, he has NEVER given me any reason to doubt how much he loves me, and that he sees his future with me.

suzie211 · October 2013

1) What do you love about yourself? Like a list of qualities, not just one or two things.
I care about my friends, and will try my hardest to be there for them. I'm a good sister/daughter. I love to have fun. I love to entertain and have parties( or wine nights with some really good Bucktown porch stooping). I'm always working towards the best version of myself.

2) What does your SO love about you?
That I look at him like no one else ever has. That I love his family. That I want to start a family with him, but would be ok if its really meant for it to be the two of us forever. That I let him be him, and haven't tried to fit him into our relationship; it fits into our lives. That I was an adorable kid and we'll have cute babies. That we communicate well and consistently work on our communication skills.

3) How important is it to you that those lists overlap? Why?
It isn't. I think people can love for many reasons, but as long as you're on the same page in your relationship the why's don't necessarily matter.

4) Is loving someone more about who they are or about *how* they are? Why?
Its both. I've know people in life that are very good at putting up fronts. What you see really isn't who they are. You need transparency of both to know the person.

5) What makes your relationship now "different" from those before? What has changed and improved that makes this better?
I learned to be happy with myself before I was in this relationship. I didn't need someone to complete me and make me happy. I was happy on my own, but knew that I wanted to share that happiness with someone else. We both are ourselves in the relationship and it fits into our life. We don't change who we are to be in the relationship. Its work, but we like working on it to make it continue to function. We are partners in everything we do.

I've had my fair share of relationships. All of them prior to this were close to having everything I thought I needed, but would be missing something. I would justify that its okay, and adapt to life without it. Truth is, I wasn't okay missing those pieces. I needed the whole picture. Walking away from the incomplete relationships allowed me to walk into a complete one.

GoldenPenguin · October 2013

1) What do you love about yourself? Like a list of qualities, not just one or two things.

I'm smart, funny, loyal, honest, and a great friend. I am a hard worker, and I am good at what I do. I am a phenomenal writer. I have really pretty blue eyes. I'm a natural blonde, but my hair looks as good naturally platinum as is does dark brown, and every other shade in between. I have great legs - especially my calves.

2) What does your SO love about you? That I'm sweet and funny and smart - he loves that I sometimes beat him at Jeopardy. He loves that I'm a sports fan, and that we root for the same teams. And I'm fabulous in bed.

3) How important is it to you that those lists overlap? Why? I agree with Liv - if he didn't love me for who I am at the core, I wouldn't think that he "got" me. Also, I can only love people who think I'm hilarious. Luckily, he's one of them

4) Is loving someone more about who they are or about *how* they are? Why? I think both. "Who" they are usually determines, on some level "how" they are. I've never dated a douche who treated me well, and did all the little things that make love great, and I've never dated an awesome guy who DIDN'T do the little things. There is a certain correlation in the two that must be there.

5) What makes your relationship now "different" from those before? What has changed and improved that makes this better? He loves and appreciates every bit of me. He makes me smile every day, and knows exactly what it takes to make me happy. I never have to "try" with him - I am just 100% myself at every moment and he loves me for it.

CLoGreenEyes · October 2013

As usual, I'm so amazed at the variety of answers everyone has given, and how they all simultaneously make so much sense and are so insightful. *Snaps*

1) What do you love about yourself? Like a list of qualities, not just one or two things.
-I care very much about how I treat people and am considerate of even the smallest things to make them feel comfortable.
-When I'm wrong, I apologize. I don't let my pride get the best of me.
-I'm empathetic; and if I can't empathize, I do everything I can to at least be compassionate and helpful.
-I have worked very hard to pursue my goal of becoming a nurse, despite my fears of failing at it.
-In general I have worked very hard to overcome my fears - of public speaking, of trying new things, basically of being noticed. (This is still a work in progress, but WOW, how far I have come.)
-I have extremely high expectations of myself and of those I love, because I know they can be met.
-I am passionate about the people in my life and will be their biggest cheerleader throughout anything.
-I love to learn and will study, travel, or try almost anything in the name of experiencing it.
-I live simply and do not need a whole lot of stuff to make me feel content.

2) What does your SO love about you?
-Definitely my body.
-That I am a great listener.
-That I am easy to communicate with.
-That I'm inexpensive (but not necessarily low maintenance .
-That we are opposites and each add a different perspective to our relationship.
-That I do little things often to make him feel loved - cooking his favorite foods, giving him a back rub, watching his favorite shows with him.
-That we are drama-free and mature together.

3) How important is it to you that those lists overlap? Why? It doesn't have to be in perfect concordance, but I do want to be valued for those main big things that I like about myself. But if my SO notices other good things about me that I wouldn't think of, that's of course pretty cool.

4) Is loving someone more about who they are or about *how* they are? Why? I can't decide. It's definitely a hybrid of both, but my gut tells me that it needs to start with who they are. You can change a lot about yourself to be a part of a relationship, but if you're not acting as yourself, eventually that is not a sustainable pattern. But if you're truly in harmony with yourself, your "how" will generally reflect your "who."

5) What makes your relationship now "different" from those before? What has changed and improved that makes this better? I don't have any serious past relationships to compare to, so I'll just say that BF and I have a great friendship that is the basis for everything that we have now. We are always respectful of each other and eager to learn from one another about how to make each other happy. We have awesome communication and try to use our differences to strengthen our relationship instead of attempting to change each other. It is work, but we've come so far and have a wonderful relationship to show for it.

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