he wants a wedding party, I don't

Re: he wants a wedding party, I don't

• itzMS member

  

  October 2013

  Yikes. You are waaaaay overthinking this
  
  
  You both choose your own wedding parties. They can be male or female and sides do not have to be even.
  
  They can process singly, together, or not process at all (already are seated in the chapel front row).
  
  They do not need to stand up at the altar with you. They can stay in the pew.
  
  Head tables are outdated anyways. Just seat them amongst the guests and have a sweetheart table for you and FI.
  
  

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• classyduck member

  

  October 2013

  itzMS said:

  Yikes. You are waaaaay overthinking this You both choose your own wedding parties. They can be male or female and sides do not have to be even. They can process singly, together, or not process at all (already are seated in the chapel front row). They do not need to stand up at the altar with you. They can stay in the pew. Head tables are outdated anyways. Just seat them amongst the guests and have a sweetheart table for you and FI.

  OMG this is exactly the kind of response I was hoping for. Thank you! I can be a pretty anxious person, and I know I blow stuff out of proportion. Thanks for reeling me in!

  
  

  Also, in terms of seating -- apologies for my ignorance on this. If head-tables are outdated (*phew*) Where do the bride and groom sit?

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• nmsa member

  

  October 2013

  It sounds like this is really stressing you out. Here are a few thoughts, and I hope you're able to come to some kind of resolution that you feel happy and calm with.
  

  
  

  It's  your fiancé's wedding as much as it is yours, so I'm really glad you don't seem to be leaning towards asking him not to have anyone either. That said, just as it wouldn't be fair of you to pressure him to not to have anyone, it isn't fair of him to pressure you to invite people, so please don't feel like you need to in order for him to have his wedding party.

  
  

  It's totally fine to have uneven sides, no one at all on one side, "his" side standing on "both" sides, more tuxes than dresses, men in dresses, space aliens, or a wedding party full of dogs (venue permitting). It's about having the people important to you and your fiancé standing beside you.

  
  

  The wedding party does not need to literally stand next to you at the chapel, they can be seated in a front pew. This happens often in full Catholic masses because they are longer, but it's fine to do it for a shorter ceremony. 

  
  

  If you do decide to have people standing up, you don't need to do a procession. They can take their places at the front informally. Often in a more traditional wedding party situation the groomsmen walk in from the side with the groom and do not process at all. Similarly, you don't need a formal recession.

  
  

  If you do want someone standing on your side and don't want him to have anyone on "his" side switch over, but instead remain closer to him, you don't need to limit your selections to female friends or cousins you could include because you feel like you need someone. Your mom could stand in the traditional "maid of honor" spot, for example. Seriously, do whatever you'd like!

  
  

  Having a wedding party doesn't obligate you to have a head table. A lot of people actually don't like them because the old-school head table made of wedding party members only separates the bridal party from their significant others, if they have them, for the meal. You could do a sweetheart table of just you and your new husband, or sit at a regular table with your parents, families, closest friends, or the bridal party and their dates. 

  
  

  From your questions, I get the sense that a lot of your worries come around making certain perceived rules fit into a small bridal party, but these are customs and not rules at all, so - do what feels good!

  
  

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• radleyboo member

  

  October 2013

  The PP had good advice.  Take a deep breath, this is simpler than it seems.  

  
  

  Since you stated that you have cousins who would be willing to stand up with you, that seems like an easy option versus tasking old college friends with whom you're no longer 'that' close, or recent acquaintances.  Like your FI, keep in mind that you could have close male friends stand up for you as well.  

  
  

  As for the dresses, why not just pick a color/fabric and have them all buy dresses that they like and look good on them?  This allows them to work within their own budgets and they will be much more likely to wear them again.  I think the look of the varied dresses is really nice, the days of stepford bridesmaids with matchy matchy hair and makeup are long gone.  

  
  

  At the end of the day, the people we ask to 'stand up' next to us on our wedding day should be the ones who love and support us and our marriage, and who will continue to do so through the years.  It doesn't matter if they are male, female, young or old.  It's the love in friendship and support that should be the most important thing when choosing a wedding party.

  
  

  Don't worry.  Focus on the important things, and the rest of the details will sort themselves out.  

  
  

  Meddied since 6/15/13!

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• classyduck member

  

  October 2013

  nmsa said:

  It sounds like this is really stressing you out. YES! XD

  
  

  The wedding party does not need to literally stand next to you at the chapel, they can be seated in a front pew. This happens often in full Catholic masses because they are longer, but it's fine to do it for a shorter ceremony. I love this idea. I also like the idea of a processional though, but I think I'd prefer the wedding party be seated. I just think it is more comfortable for them, and less of a distraction to everything else.

  
  

  If you do want someone standing on your side and don't want him to have anyone on "his" side switch over, but instead remain closer to him, you don't need to limit your selections to female friends or cousins you could include because you feel like you need someone. Your mom could stand in the traditional "maid of honor" spot, for example. Seriously, do whatever you'd like! This is great advice... I have to talk to him, but if he wants someone standing iwth him, I think a great compromise would be for him to have his best "lady", and me to have my mom or my best friend. I can totally deal with that.

  
  

  Having a wedding party doesn't obligate you to have a head table. A lot of people actually don't like them because the old-school head table made of wedding party members only separates the bridal party from their significant others, if they have them, for the meal. You could do a sweetheart table of just you and your new husband, or sit at a regular table with your parents, families, closest friends, or the bridal party and their dates. I was totally oblivious to this. I really dislike the idea of separating wedding party members from their partners as well, and a table for bride/groom and immediate family sounds WONDERFUL.

  
  

  From your questions, I get the sense that a lot of your worries come around making certain perceived rules fit into a small bridal party, but these are customs and not rules at all, so - do what feels good! I'm Bingo. Thanks for straightening me out!

  
  

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• classyduck member

  

  October 2013

  radleyboo said:

  The PP had good advice.  Take a deep breath, this is simpler than it seems.  Thank goodness.

  
  

  As for the dresses, why not just pick a color/fabric and have them all buy dresses that they like and look good on them?  This allows them to work within their own budgets and they will be much more likely to wear them again.  I think the look of the varied dresses is really nice, the days of stepford bridesmaids with matchy matchy hair and makeup are long gone. This is one other thing I hated about having bridesmaids, the matchy-matchy styles that don't look good on every body type -- we are having a fall wedding. I really wanted to have a wedding "palate" of  wine red, burnt orange, plum, and chocolate colors. I could give my bridesmaids a nice selection of colors, and they can have whatever style their little hearts desire.

  
  

  At the end of the day, the people we ask to 'stand up' next to us on our wedding day should be the ones who love and support us and our marriage, and who will continue to do so through the years.  It doesn't matter if they are male, female, young or old.  It's the love in friendship and support that should be the most important thing when choosing a wedding party.

  
  

  Don't worry.  Focus on the important things, and the rest of the details will sort themselves out.  Thanks for the perspective!

  One question about doing dresses like this: Is it still customary to go through a vendor? That is, find a catalog of bridesmaids styles and let them pick from there?

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• radleyboo member

  

  October 2013

  You could do the vendor/bridal shop thing if you wanted to.  There are David's stores on every corner these days, so it would be easy to go in and say, 'I want to use Alfred Angelo chiffon in Plum' or whatever and have them pick whatever style they wanted within those parameters.  I did this at a small local wedding shop for my wedding this summer, but I only had 2 maids and they both live in town, so it was convenient for them.  They both ended up choosing knee-length, strapless dresses that were slightly different and they both looked awesome.  That was the end of what I asked of them as far as attire.  Their hair, shoes, accessories were very different.  

  
  

  You could also do exactly what you described and say, 'I'm having X and Y as our wedding colors.  Feel free to choose whatever dress you'd like in a complimentary hue of either color.'  I would try to stick to 1 or 2 colors to keep it somewhat cohesive, but that's a personal choice.

  
  

  You'll obviously get a lot more variety with the latter choice, but I love that look.  Once you've asked your BP, ask them what they prefer.  They will appreciate the consideration and opportunity for input!

  
  

  
  

  Meddied since 6/15/13!

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• blueobsidian member

  

  October 2013

  classyduck said:

  radleyboo said:

  The PP had good advice.  Take a deep breath, this is simpler than it seems.  Thank goodness.

  
  

  As for the dresses, why not just pick a color/fabric and have them all buy dresses that they like and look good on them?  This allows them to work within their own budgets and they will be much more likely to wear them again.  I think the look of the varied dresses is really nice, the days of stepford bridesmaids with matchy matchy hair and makeup are long gone. This is one other thing I hated about having bridesmaids, the matchy-matchy styles that don't look good on every body type -- we are having a fall wedding. I really wanted to have a wedding "palate" of  wine red, burnt orange, plum, and chocolate colors. I could give my bridesmaids a nice selection of colors, and they can have whatever style their little hearts desire.

  
  

  At the end of the day, the people we ask to 'stand up' next to us on our wedding day should be the ones who love and support us and our marriage, and who will continue to do so through the years.  It doesn't matter if they are male, female, young or old.  It's the love in friendship and support that should be the most important thing when choosing a wedding party.

  
  

  Don't worry.  Focus on the important things, and the rest of the details will sort themselves out.  Thanks for the perspective!

  One question about doing dresses like this: Is it still customary to go through a vendor? That is, find a catalog of bridesmaids styles and let them pick from there?

  You don't have to go through a vendor (and in fact, it'll be much easier for your girls if you don't). You can just tell them to pick out any dress in blue or green, or whatever colors you choose.  If you want something more specific, you could choose a brand like David's Bridal or Alfred Angelo and pick a specific color and fabric and tell them to get any dress they like in that color.
  

  

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• nmsa member

  

  October 2013

  Good luck! I hope this will be a little more fun now that you have a few people reassuring you that all of this is totally flexible and you can do what feels right. And as an add on to what a few PPs have said about letting your bridal party pick whatever they want in a certain range of colors instead of bridesmaid dresses from vendors - I have seen this done, it's actually very trendy, and it can look great. 

  
  

  A girl I knew didn't have a traditional bridal party, but asked a few VIPs to wear "neutrals". She had four ladies in grey, champagne sequins, a beige-y gold fabric, and a really light pink. Nothing matched. It looked gorgeous.

  
  

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• wrigleyville member

  

  October 2013

  classyduck said:

  itzMS said:

  Yikes. You are waaaaay overthinking this You both choose your own wedding parties. They can be male or female and sides do not have to be even. They can process singly, together, or not process at all (already are seated in the chapel front row). They do not need to stand up at the altar with you. They can stay in the pew. Head tables are outdated anyways. Just seat them amongst the guests and have a sweetheart table for you and FI.

  OMG this is exactly the kind of response I was hoping for. Thank you! I can be a pretty anxious person, and I know I blow stuff out of proportion. Thanks for reeling me in!

  
  

  Also, in terms of seating -- apologies for my ignorance on this. If head-tables are outdated (*phew*) Where do the bride and groom sit?

  You can ask for a "sweetheart table", which is just you and your groom, or you can sit at one of the rounds with everyone else. Some people set aside a round or two for them and their wedding party, some sit with their parents and siblings... it just depends on what you want.

  
  

  We didn't want a big WP either, so we're having a BM and MOH. They and their spouse/date are sitting at a round with us, and then our parents/siblings/spouses/nieces are at two rounds on either side. We're all near the front of the room, but it isn't head table-ish.

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