Am I the only one...?

bkgerke · October 2013

So my future father-in-law was upset by the fact that our wedding is going to be "kid-free." He even wanted to pay for all 70 or so children to attend which would have been well over $1000. Because I saw this as a pointless expense we politely declined but instead decided to allow certain exceptions to the "no-kids" rule that included all the children that my future father-in-law wanted to attend. Now that the planning has gotten much more serious (and after receiving another 20 person guest list from my future in-laws,) my fiancé and I have noticed some expenses we hadn't budgeted for. I don't necessarily expect my in-laws to contribute anything but at the same time it's just a little confusing to me that he was willing to kick in money for something HE wanted but hasn't offered anything since. Am I the only one that would be a bit bothered by this?

doeydo · October 2013

I would be too. I just don't want kids at my wedding, period. And that is perfectly fine.

Maggie0829 · October 2013

scribe95 said:

It's his money. He offered to pay for something that he felt passionate about. He isn't obliged to offer to pay for other expenses that you didn't adequately prepare for.

This.

nmsa · October 2013

I think the problem is that he offered you money for a specific purpose and you accepted it for a specific purpose. That you accepted money from him for something he wanted doesn't obligate him to offer more for things you do. That said, though, if your future-in-laws are repeatedly pushing up your guest list and it's becoming a financial burden, you need to let them know you can't accommodate those guests. You aren't further obligated to invite people you can't afford, even if you've already agreed to do this a little bit by inviting some children for your FFIL.

bkgerke · October 2013

I haven't accepted any money from him.

photokitty · October 2013

scribe95 said:

It's his money. He offered to pay for something that he felt passionate about. He isn't obliged to offer to pay for other expenses that you didn't adequately prepare for.

But FFIL added another 20 guests on top of the kids? Is that the unexpected costs? If so you need to review the guest list and tell them how many people they can invite and let them decide who that will be. If you declined the money you have the last say and until verbal invites, STDs or invites are sent out you can always make changes to the guest list. You can change you budget and adequately prepare prior to inviting folks and they need to honor it bc you are paying for it.

nmsa · October 2013

bkgerke said:

I haven't accepted any money from him.

Sorry, I misunderstood your original post and thought you compromised to him paying only for his child guest-list and not the entire child guest-list; I just reread and understand now.

I still agree with the PPs, though, that he isn't obligated to pay for anything because he offered to pay for something that you didn't accept, and stand by my original comment that you likewise aren't obligated to host additional guests added by your in-laws that you can't afford. You can politely but firmly let them know you can't accommodate any more people and that's just fine.

annathy03 · October 2013

photokitty said:

scribe95 said:

It's his money. He offered to pay for something that he felt passionate about. He isn't obliged to offer to pay for other expenses that you didn't adequately prepare for.

But FFIL added another 20 guests on top of the kids? Is that the unexpected costs? If so you need to review the guest list and tell them how many people they can invite and let them decide who that will be. If you declined the money you have the last say and until verbal invites, STDs or invites are sent out you can always make changes to the guest list. You can change you budget and adequately prepare prior to inviting folks and they need to honor it bc you are paying for it.

Yeah. He's not obligated to offer anything, but on the flip side you're not obligated to invite anyone you can't afford, no matter how much FFIL wants them there.

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

You shouldn't have planned anything without any money in hand. I realize it's family but unless they hand you a check for $1000 and it clears at the bank, you shouldn't' plan like you have that money. It's a really tough lesson that way too many brides learn the hard way. I am assuming you haven't sent out invitations yet.. The way I see it you have two choices:

1) Tell him you aren't moving forward with inviting any of these kids until he pays you what he offered to contribute. Let him know you simply can't afford it and the only reason you agreed to it is because he offered to pay their way.

2) Tell him to keep his money and that you've decided not to invite the kids after all.

BTW, you do not have to accept the list of 20 guests if your FILs aren't paying for any part of the wedding. If they're not contributing, they get zero say in the guest list. We had the same situation with my ILs. They didn't contribute to the wedding at all and gave us a list of over 50 people (we already had all their family on the list - these were additional neighbors, co-workers and friends of friends my FI had never met or not seen in 10 years..) We ended up giving them a certain number of slots that they could fill however they wanted. It worked well and might for you also.

phira · October 2013

Only invite who you can afford to. I'd say cut kids all together. You clearly want a kid-free wedding, and even if he kicks in for the people he cares about:

1) You're still struggling to pay for the wedding and

2) I get the sense that you are really irritated that he's only offering to pay to make you do what he wants

APDSS22 · October 2013

I would scale it back to a no-kids wedding if you're struggling paying for everything and STDs and/or invites have yet to go out. If you have sent STDs or told the parents of the children that they are invited, the children are stuck on the guest list. Anyone you haven't sent STDs or invites to is still up in the air because technically until you and FI invite them by paper/word of mouth/carrier pigeon/whatever, they are not officially invited. You might cut the latest add-ons from the ILs because of this, thus saving that much money to cover the other expenses. You could also review some of your contracts and see if anything is flexible that you could cut back on like flowers. I wouldn't get upset at FFIL because he offered to pay for something he cares about but nothing else, it's his choice how he spends his money.

ktjanesmom · October 2013

I would be irked too. He offers to help pay for something HE wants but cant contribute other wise. Of course I would be irked. BLAH BLAH BLAH no he doesnt HAVE to pay for anything, its his money he can spend as he wishes. But why wouldnt a dad WANT to contribute to his sons wedding?

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

bkgerke said:

So my future father-in-law was upset by the fact that our wedding is going to be "kid-free." He even wanted to pay for all 70 or so children to attend which would have been well over $1000. Because I saw this as a pointless expense we politely declined but instead decided to allow certain exceptions to the "no-kids" rule that included all the children that my future father-in-law wanted to attend. Now that the planning has gotten much more serious (and after receiving another 20 person guest list from my future in-laws,) my fiancé and I have noticed some expenses we hadn't budgeted for. I don't necessarily expect my in-laws to contribute anything but at the same time it's just a little confusing to me that he was willing to kick in money for something HE wanted but hasn't offered anything since. Am I the only one that would be a bit bothered by this?

I am so confused.

So, you wanted a kid-free wedding (which is perfectly fine, btw), and if you had included kids, that would have been an additional 70+ guests, for another $1,000+ (meaning your head count per person is $14? That seems very low).

Then your FFIL threw a fit and offered to pay for the kids he wanted to have invited. You declined the money, but invited the kids anyway.

Now you're realising how expensive a wedding is, plus your FILs have given you another 20 guests they want to have invited.

And now you want them to kick in money for your wedding, even though you've already declined their money.

I'm with your FILs; you declined their money and gave them what they wanted anyway, so why would they offer to contribute any other money?

If you haven't sent out invitations or STDates and you and FI are paying for this entirely on your own, you're within your rights to say to your FILs, "I'm sorry, but we've been crunching the budget numbers, and we've decided to stick with our original no-kids decision. Also, you have X number of invites/X number of people you may invite, and we will need those names and addresses by such-and-such date."

Be prepared, though, for this to cause hurt feelings. You said you wanted something, they demanded you reconsider, you agreed, and now you're going back on that decision. You and FI need to make a decision and stick to it.

Also, anyone to whom you and your FI have given a verbal invite must be invited to the wedding now.

Viczaesar · October 2013

ktjanesmom said:

I would be irked too. He offers to help pay for something HE wants but cant contribute other wise. Of course I would be irked. BLAH BLAH BLAH no he doesnt HAVE to pay for anything, its his money he can spend as he wishes. But why wouldnt a dad WANT to contribute to his sons wedding?

Why would he need a reason?

saric83 · October 2013

Since you declined the money, it seems silly that you're bothered by it.

With the list of 20 more, just let them know that unfortunately, the budget is stretched too thin at this point since you added the kiddos, so you won't be able to add anyone else.

If at that point, he offers to pay for them again, don't turn it down. If he doesn't, case closed and those 20 aren't invited.

huskypuppy14 · October 2013

saric83 said:

Since you declined the money, it seems silly that you're bothered by it.

With the list of 20 more, just let them know that unfortunately, the budget is stretched too thin at this point since you added the kiddos, so you won't be able to add anyone else.

If at that point, he offers to pay for them again, don't turn it down. If he doesn't, case closed and those 20 aren't invited.

This! Why didn't you accept the money the first time, if you invited the kids he wanted anyway? But you didn't and that's perfectly fine, but you also don't have to accommodate their extra 20 guests. Tell them that the budget is getting tight and the guest list keeps going up, so there will be no more additions. If he offers to pay for them, you can decide if you want these extra people and whether to take their money.

mysticl · October 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

bkgerke said:

So my future father-in-law was upset by the fact that our wedding is going to be "kid-free." He even wanted to pay for all 70 or so children to attend which would have been well over $1000. Because I saw this as a pointless expense we politely declined but instead decided to allow certain exceptions to the "no-kids" rule that included all the children that my future father-in-law wanted to attend. Now that the planning has gotten much more serious (and after receiving another 20 person guest list from my future in-laws,) my fiancé and I have noticed some expenses we hadn't budgeted for. I don't necessarily expect my in-laws to contribute anything but at the same time it's just a little confusing to me that he was willing to kick in money for something HE wanted but hasn't offered anything since. Am I the only one that would be a bit bothered by this?

I am so confused.

So, you wanted a kid-free wedding (which is perfectly fine, btw), and if you had included kids, that would have been an additional 70+ guests, for another $1,000+ (meaning your head count per person is $14? That seems very low).

Then your FFIL threw a fit and offered to pay for the kids he wanted to have invited. You declined the money, but invited the kids anyway.

Now you're realising how expensive a wedding is, plus your FILs have given you another 20 guests they want to have invited.

And now you want them to kick in money for your wedding, even though you've already declined their money.

I'm with your FILs; you declined their money and gave them what they wanted anyway, so why would they offer to contribute any other money?

If you haven't sent out invitations or STDates and you and FI are paying for this entirely on your own, you're within your rights to say to your FILs, "I'm sorry, but we've been crunching the budget numbers, and we've decided to stick with our original no-kids decision. Also, you have X number of invites/X number of people you may invite, and we will need those names and addresses by such-and-such date."

Be prepared, though, for this to cause hurt feelings. You said you wanted something, they demanded you reconsider, you agreed, and now you're going back on that decision. You and FI need to make a decision and stick to it.

Also, anyone to whom you and your FI have given a verbal invite must be invited to the wedding now.

The per kid cost could be that low. We did a different meal for children under 10.

Senecaf · October 2013

Goodness, that is a lot of children.

Hopefully you have not sent STDs or anything and can have the the convo with your FILs about the number of guests that you can afford. If they offer money to cover, fine, if not stick with only what you could afford in the first place

Am I the only one...?

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