Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Etiquette Forum
Wedding Etiquette Forum
New Discussion
Options

Argh, RSVP Issues. Help?

clcountryclcountry member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum

Well, I knew this would happen, but I didn't expect it to happen with the very first response card I opened.

 

We are being married by a good friend who is studying to be a minister (yes, he can legally marry us, and yes, we are planning to pay him). As far as I know, he is not in a relationship (he frequently mentions his single status), so we did not invite him with a guest. However, when we got his response card, he responded for two people, not one.

Also, I posted a few months ago about two extra, uninvited guests showing up to me bridal shower because my aunt's mother needed a ride, so her other daughter, who lives in the same town, drove her, and she and her daughter attended the shower along with aunt's mother-still with me? I (stupidly, stupidly) did not follow the fora's advice, and invited the two of them plus aunt's sister's husband to the wedding. Got their response card today, and they, too, have added another person, I assume their youngest son, who is away at college.

Re: Situation 2, I cannot believe I was stupid enough to invite them in the first place, but I already felt a little bad about not including them, and then they showed up at the shower. :( I guess I just have to bite the bullet, call them up, and tell them younger son is not invited? This is hard.

 

Re: Situation 1: I'm not sure what to do here. Given his role in the wedding, I feel bad about telling our friend he can't bring his guest, but it also freaks me out that our very first response has a plus one. We cannot afford extra guests, especially people we don't even know. :(

 

WWYD?

Report Reply to Post

Re: Argh, RSVP Issues. Help?

  • Options
    SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Regarding situation 2- yes, call and tell them the invite was only for aunt and uncle so you are unable to accommodate younger son. 

    Regarding situation 1- I would call and ask who the guest is, as if the guest is an SO would you like to have that person's name for the wedding instead of calling them "Guest". If he says he is bringing a buddy, then you can say I'm sorry but the invite was only for you. But if he says the person is his SO, then ask for her name. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    clcountry said:

    Well, I knew this would happen, but I didn't expect it to happen with the very first response card I opened.

     

    We are being married by a good friend who is studying to be a minister (yes, he can legally marry us, and yes, we are planning to pay him). As far as I know, he is not in a relationship (he frequently mentions his single status), so we did not invite him with a guest. However, when we got his response card, he responded for two people, not one.

    Also, I posted a few months ago about two extra, uninvited guests showing up to me bridal shower because my aunt's mother needed a ride, so her other daughter, who lives in the same town, drove her, and she and her daughter attended the shower along with aunt's mother-still with me? I (stupidly, stupidly) did not follow the fora's advice, and invited the two of them plus aunt's sister's husband to the wedding. Got their response card today, and they, too, have added another person, I assume their youngest son, who is away at college.

    Re: Situation 2, I cannot believe I was stupid enough to invite them in the first place, but I already felt a little bad about not including them, and then they showed up at the shower. :( I guess I just have to bite the bullet, call them up, and tell them younger son is not invited? This is hard.

     

    Re: Situation 1: I'm not sure what to do here. Given his role in the wedding, I feel bad about telling our friend he can't bring his guest, but it also freaks me out that our very first response has a plus one. We cannot afford extra guests, especially people we don't even know. :(

     

    WWYD?

    To the first bold, you need to let this one slide. Ministers get special privileges because of who they are and what they're doing. 

    To the second bold, you call them up and say, "I'm so sorry, but the invite was only for aunt, aunt's sister, and her husband. We cannot accommodate College-Age Son." If they say they won't come without him, then you say, "Well, we're sorry to hear that, you'll be missed."

    Yes, it's hard, but you have to do it. Otherwise, you're opening the floodgates for more people to RSVP with additional guests.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    Report Reply
  • Options
    orwhatuwillorwhatuwill member
    First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    Ministers get special privileges? Can you please explain more?
    Report Reply
  • Options
    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    orwhatuwill said:
    Ministers get special privileges? Can you please explain more?
    Other than the Bride and Groom, they're the only other necessary party at a wedding. You literally cannot get married without them. They get special privileges. It's just that simple. If you like the minister enough to ask him to marry you, you like him enough to treat him specially.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    Report Reply
  • Options
    chelcee22chelcee22 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I agree with the previous posts. You should ask your minister friend who he is bringing, and possibly make an exception. And you should tell the others that their college-age son is not invited (politely).
    Report Reply
  • Options
    clcountryclcountry member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment

    Thanks, everyone. You're pretty much confirming what I thought. Any suggestions for how to word the call to aunt's sister to tell her I'm only inviting her, her husband, and their daughter?

    Report Reply
  • Options
    orwhatuwillorwhatuwill member
    First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    Interesting perspective. I'm not sure I'd agree that the person officiating the ceremony has carte blanche.  I mean, technically, someone who gets paid is a vendor. I'd think that anyone getting paid should be considerate of the needs of the people getting married, even a member of a faith based community. Lots of other people can perform that function... ministers, non faith based officiants, city clerks, judges, etc. 


    Report Reply
  • Options
    mysticlmysticl member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    clcountry said:

    Well, I knew this would happen, but I didn't expect it to happen with the very first response card I opened.

     

    We are being married by a good friend who is studying to be a minister (yes, he can legally marry us, and yes, we are planning to pay him). As far as I know, he is not in a relationship (he frequently mentions his single status), so we did not invite him with a guest. However, when we got his response card, he responded for two people, not one.

    Also, I posted a few months ago about two extra, uninvited guests showing up to me bridal shower because my aunt's mother needed a ride, so her other daughter, who lives in the same town, drove her, and she and her daughter attended the shower along with aunt's mother-still with me? I (stupidly, stupidly) did not follow the fora's advice, and invited the two of them plus aunt's sister's husband to the wedding. Got their response card today, and they, too, have added another person, I assume their youngest son, who is away at college.

    Re: Situation 2, I cannot believe I was stupid enough to invite them in the first place, but I already felt a little bad about not including them, and then they showed up at the shower. :( I guess I just have to bite the bullet, call them up, and tell them younger son is not invited? This is hard.

     

    Re: Situation 1: I'm not sure what to do here. Given his role in the wedding, I feel bad about telling our friend he can't bring his guest, but it also freaks me out that our very first response has a plus one. We cannot afford extra guests, especially people we don't even know. :(

     

    WWYD?

    Ok, isn't your aunt's mother's (your grandma?) other daughter also your aunt?  And you invited that aunt, plus her daughter (your cousin?) and her husband (your uncle?) to the wedding.  But you did not invite their son (your cousin?) to the wedding?  I can see where your aunt might be confused about you inviting one of her children but not the other.  I'm a little confused on the family dynamic here.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    "Hi Aunt's Sister! I received your RSVP in the mail today. I see that you responded for 4 guests. Unfortunately the invite is only for you, your husband and daughter and we are unable to accommodate your son. Will the three of you be in attendance?". 

    If Aunt's Sister makes a fuss and won't come without son then you say "Sorry to hear that. You'll be missed!". 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    orwhatuwill said:
    Interesting perspective. I'm not sure I'd agree that the person officiating the ceremony has carte blanche.  I mean, technically, someone who gets paid is a vendor. I'd think that anyone getting paid should be considerate of the needs of the people getting married, even a member of a faith based community. Lots of other people can perform that function... ministers, non faith based officiants, city clerks, judges, etc. 


    Technically, yes. But ministers (or priests or rabbis or whomever) fall into a special category of vendor.

    If you're rude to your DJ and he doesn't show up because he's pissed at you, you still get married. You don't have music at the reception, but you're still married. If you're rude to your officiant, he might not show, and then you don't get married.

    And no one is saying he has carte blanche -- it's not like a minister can RSVP for himself, his wife, and his seven kids. But ministers should be invited with their spouses, if they have one, or with a plus-one if they don't EVEN IF you're not giving plus-ones to your other truly single guests.

    As an example, our priest was invited with the seminary student who was assigned to our parish over the summer. The seminarian ended up not being able to come, but we extended that invite because we knew the priest would be more comfortable with the seminarian there.

    And yes, lots of other people CAN perform that function. If you ask the local MDJ, a retired judge, the county clerk or whomever to officiate, they DON'T get the special privilege. They're JUST a vendor. But presumably, if a couple has asked a minister/priest/rabbi to perform the marriage, the spiritual/religious/faith aspect of it is important to them, and therefore, they need to treat the minister/priest/rabbi accordingly.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    Report Reply
  • Options
    APDSS22APDSS22 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I'm a little confused about the son situation, but if I've read that right he is over 18 and would have his own invite if he had been invited (so you are not breaking up a family).  Then you just call up the invited guests and tell them that, unfortunately, you cannot accommodate younger son, and will they still be planning on attending?  If they try to wrangle an invite for the son saying they won't attend if he's not invited, tell them they will be missed. 

    I would call up your minister friend and find out the name of the guest at least (for escort cards if you're having them).  If it's a SO, then you do have to invite them to be polite.  If it's a friend or he doesn't know yet you have to decide how important it is for you and FI to accommodate his guest or not.  If you can afford it, you might consider just letting it slide if it's a guest but tell him a date by which you would need the name of his guest for escort cards.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    clcountryclcountry member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    mysticl said:
    clcountry said:

    Well, I knew this would happen, but I didn't expect it to happen with the very first response card I opened.

     

    We are being married by a good friend who is studying to be a minister (yes, he can legally marry us, and yes, we are planning to pay him). As far as I know, he is not in a relationship (he frequently mentions his single status), so we did not invite him with a guest. However, when we got his response card, he responded for two people, not one.

    Also, I posted a few months ago about two extra, uninvited guests showing up to me bridal shower because my aunt's mother needed a ride, so her other daughter, who lives in the same town, drove her, and she and her daughter attended the shower along with aunt's mother-still with me? I (stupidly, stupidly) did not follow the fora's advice, and invited the two of them plus aunt's sister's husband to the wedding. Got their response card today, and they, too, have added another person, I assume their youngest son, who is away at college.

    Re: Situation 2, I cannot believe I was stupid enough to invite them in the first place, but I already felt a little bad about not including them, and then they showed up at the shower. :( I guess I just have to bite the bullet, call them up, and tell them younger son is not invited? This is hard.

     

    Re: Situation 1: I'm not sure what to do here. Given his role in the wedding, I feel bad about telling our friend he can't bring his guest, but it also freaks me out that our very first response has a plus one. We cannot afford extra guests, especially people we don't even know. :(

     

    WWYD?

    Ok, isn't your aunt's mother's (your grandma?) other daughter also your aunt?  And you invited that aunt, plus her daughter (your cousin?) and her husband (your uncle?) to the wedding.  But you did not invite their son (your cousin?) to the wedding?  I can see where your aunt might be confused about you inviting one of her children but not the other.  I'm a little confused on the family dynamic here.  
    Aunt is my aunt by marriage, not the sibling of one of my parents. Her mother, sister, neice, and nephew are not technically my family at all. I have grown very close to her mother over the years and so invited her to both the wedding and the shower. The same cannot be said for her sister and her sister's family, although we do occasionally spend Thanksgiving with them.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    mysticlmysticl member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    orwhatuwill said:
    Interesting perspective. I'm not sure I'd agree that the person officiating the ceremony has carte blanche.  I mean, technically, someone who gets paid is a vendor. I'd think that anyone getting paid should be considerate of the needs of the people getting married, even a member of a faith based community. Lots of other people can perform that function... ministers, non faith based officiants, city clerks, judges, etc. 


    A clergy member who belongs to a specific house of worship is viewed differently than a vendor.  The family may have a long standing relationship with the person from years of attending services.  This is their spiritual advisor not just someone paid to perform a task.  As such they are an invited guest at the rehearsal dinner and reception and are allowed to bring a significant other if their faith allows it.  

    Also, Clergy members are not always specifically paid for performing the service.  For example we were married by a Navy Chaplain.  Performing marriages for service members is part of his job, so he could not charge us a separate fee for his services.  We invited him and his wife to the rehearsal dinner and reception but he declined both invitations.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    clcountryclcountry member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    This friend is not our minister, and we're not getting married at his church. We chose him because he has known us both for years, and, while we did not want an extremely religious wedding, we didn't want a completely secular one, either. He has to travel a long way, so we are going to pay him to cover his gas and lodging. Regardless, I'm inclined to agree with His Girl Friday that at this point, he gets some special privileges because of who he is.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    clcountryclcountry member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment

    That's the thing, though, Musik, he will know many, many people at the wedding. He and DF were very close in college, and the whole group of people they hung out with will be there. Regardless, I'm going to let it go, but I did think about the situation you described when I made up the guest list. I'm trying to be considerate to everyone, but it's hard when you're dealing with this many people!

    Report Reply
  • Options
    clcountryclcountry member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment

    The guest list is the absolute hardest part. We both have huge families, and we have a pretty big wedding party (yeah, we didn't really think through). We cut a lot of people we really would have liked to have invited and still probably over-invited. Oh well. Que sera sera at this point, really.

     

    Oh! But has anyone else had this happen? We have had lots and lots of people say things like, "Well, we'll definitely be there" or "I haven't seen my invitation yet" (totally seriously). Unfortunately, this always happens to DF who will not, no matter how many times I tell him that he has to, tell these people that we weren't able to accommodate everyone we wanted to invite, but thank you for thinking of us.

    Report Reply
  • Options
    APDSS22APDSS22 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    clcountry said:

    The guest list is the absolute hardest part. We both have huge families, and we have a pretty big wedding party (yeah, we didn't really think through). We cut a lot of people we really would have liked to have invited and still probably over-invited. Oh well. Que sera sera at this point, really.

     

    Oh! But has anyone else had this happen? We have had lots and lots of people say things like, "Well, we'll definitely be there" or "I haven't seen my invitation yet" (totally seriously). Unfortunately, this always happens to DF who will not, no matter how many times I tell him that he has to, tell these people that we weren't able to accommodate everyone we wanted to invite, but thank you for thinking of us.

    What does he do, just walk away?  Pretty much the only polite thing you can do is tell them that you weren't able to invite everyone you wanted.  I had a person from work who kept asking me when her invite was coming and oh yeah, here's her new address so I can send her the invite and when/where is the wedding because she hasn't yet gotten her invite...
    Report Reply
  • Options
    mysticlmysticl member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:
    clcountry said:

    The guest list is the absolute hardest part. We both have huge families, and we have a pretty big wedding party (yeah, we didn't really think through). We cut a lot of people we really would have liked to have invited and still probably over-invited. Oh well. Que sera sera at this point, really.

     

    Oh! But has anyone else had this happen? We have had lots and lots of people say things like, "Well, we'll definitely be there" or "I haven't seen my invitation yet" (totally seriously). Unfortunately, this always happens to DF who will not, no matter how many times I tell him that he has to, tell these people that we weren't able to accommodate everyone we wanted to invite, but thank you for thinking of us.

    What does he do, just walk away?  Pretty much the only polite thing you can do is tell them that you weren't able to invite everyone you wanted.  I had a person from work who kept asking me when her invite was coming and oh yeah, here's her new address so I can send her the invite and when/where is the wedding because she hasn't yet gotten her invite...
    A friend of mine had a co-worker crash her wedding.  Just the ceremony he didn't go to the reception.  The thing that makes it weirder is it was like a 4 or 5 hour drive for him.  She got married in her home town as opposed to where she lived at the time of the wedding.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    clcountryclcountry member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment

    He just sort of freezes, I think. It's never happened to me, and I've never been with him when it happens, so I don't know exactly. Most of them are people we would have invited if we could, but a couple of them have been bizarre, from people who I don't know why on earth they would assume they are invited.

     

    Report Reply
  • Options
    APDSS22APDSS22 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    mysticl said:
    TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:
    clcountry said:

    The guest list is the absolute hardest part. We both have huge families, and we have a pretty big wedding party (yeah, we didn't really think through). We cut a lot of people we really would have liked to have invited and still probably over-invited. Oh well. Que sera sera at this point, really.

     

    Oh! But has anyone else had this happen? We have had lots and lots of people say things like, "Well, we'll definitely be there" or "I haven't seen my invitation yet" (totally seriously). Unfortunately, this always happens to DF who will not, no matter how many times I tell him that he has to, tell these people that we weren't able to accommodate everyone we wanted to invite, but thank you for thinking of us.

    What does he do, just walk away?  Pretty much the only polite thing you can do is tell them that you weren't able to invite everyone you wanted.  I had a person from work who kept asking me when her invite was coming and oh yeah, here's her new address so I can send her the invite and when/where is the wedding because she hasn't yet gotten her invite...
    A friend of mine had a co-worker crash her wedding.  Just the ceremony he didn't go to the reception.  The thing that makes it weirder is it was like a 4 or 5 hour drive for him.  She got married in her home town as opposed to where she lived at the time of the wedding.  
    That's pretty crazy.  I ended up moving away so it was pretty easy to dodge her and she never found out the where and when to crash, thank goodness.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I would let your minister friend invite a guest, just ask him what his/her name is.  For your aunts family, they have some balls!  When is your wedding, is it around Thanksgiving?  Is the whole family going to be home and the son will be left out, in that case what is one more person?  Or you could tell them unfortunately their son is not invited, like others have said. You didn't have to invite them to begin with, but since you did, if your just leaving out the son I would say invite him.
    image
    image

    image


    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards