Another Addressing Invites Question

ohmrs2014 · October 2013

Sorry for another question ladies, but you all are awesome and have been so helpful. I figure I'd post here again because this board gets more traffic than the Invites and Paper board.

So now for the question: I know that traditionally you always address mailings and such with the males name first, even if they aren't married, but living in the same house, such as: Mr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Doe. What if they don't live together and you are mailing the invite to the females house because thats who you are friends with? Would it be acceptable to address the invite like this: Ms. Jane Smith and Mr. John Doe? Or should I still put the male's name first?

Thanks in advance ladies!

CLI242009 · October 2013

For my invites, for my female friends, I put their name first. I am not sure if this is etiquette wise correct, but I felt like it was the right thing to do since the SHE is the one I've known. Even if they had a SO I put their name first.

The only time I didn't was when my female friends are married. I put "Mr. & Mrs. John Smith" or if she didn't take his name I put his name first and then her name. I made sure to include the & for everyone who has a SO or guest coming with them.

Don't know if that helps, just sharing what I did. :-)

ohmrs2014 · October 2013

I too am inclined to put the ladies names first, but I just want to make sure that its acceptable LOL. If they are living together I have no problem putting his name first and most of the couples I know both of them, just friendly with the girls. But for some family of which they aren't living with their SOs and of whom we have never met, I'm inclined to put the female name first because essentially its her address I'm sending the invite to.

CLI242009 · October 2013

50ShadesofMe said:

I too am inclined to put the ladies names first, but I just want to make sure that its acceptable LOL. If they are living together I have no problem putting his name first and most of the couples I know both of them, just friendly with the girls. But for some family of which they aren't living with their SOs and of whom we have never met, I'm inclined to put the female name first because essentially its her address I'm sending the invite to.

Are you sending an invite to the girl at her address and then another invite to the same girl's SO at his/her address? I'm confused. I know if they are a social unit you would only send them one invite. My preference I would send it to who I know or who I'm closer with but etiquette rules I'm not sure.

huskypuppy14 · October 2013

The female name goes first, I believe, unless they are married and have the same last name then it is Mr. and Mrs. so and so.

I always put the person whose address it is first, whether they are male or female- so as to not confuse the post office. So if you are friends with Sally and her boyfriend is John, you send the invitation to Sally's house and put John's name on a different line:

Ms. Sally Jones

Mr. John Brown

If you are friends with Dave and his girlfriend is Mary you send the invitation to Dave's house:
Mr. David Jones

Ms. Mary Brown

Only use "and" for married couples, whether or not they have the same last name.

Someone correct me if I"m wrong.

huskypuppy14 · October 2013

I think traditionally you would always address social correspondence to the lady of the house, that's why the women's name goes first. Overall, I don't think it matters that much, as long as you spell people's names correctly and put their correct title.

MrsAitch · October 2013

Put the name of whoever lives at the address you are mailing it to first. My mail deliverer is a stickler and wouldn't deliver something if it had my fiance's name on it first.

Maggie0829 · October 2013

@laurynm84 is right. The females name always goes first unless she is married and has taken her husbands name.

And yes married couples whether they have the same last name or not go on the same line and separated by the word "and".

AroundTheBlock · October 2013

There are several rules of etiquette that "everybody knows", that are not really quite so simplistic as "everybody" thinks they are. The "ladies first" rule is one of them, and it has all manner of nuances. The general rule is, that ladies go first in safe, familial situations: at informal social gatherings, and on the inside address of informal notes that begin "Dear Mary and Joe".

In any potentially-hazardous situation, like crossing minefields, winding your way across a crowded restaurant, getting in and out of moving conveyances such as carriages, commuter-trains and even elevators, or when crossing the continent together on the back of an envelope, the gentleman goes first in order to protect the lady and make her way easier -- unless there is someone hired to provide that service, such as a maitre d'hotel or a railway porter. Formal situations are considered "public" and therefore potentially hazardous for the purposes of this etiquette rule. So it is properly "Mr Smith and Ms Doe" on formal correspondence as long as they live together. The conceit of dropping out the "and" and sticking Joe and Mary on separate lines is a prurient innovation of the late 1970s and is rather in bad taste. Proper etiquette before the "sexual revolution" was to politely ignore any irregularities in people's domestic affairs, and assume that anyone living in an common househod apparently as a couple, should be treated as a married couple and no prying questions asked.

On outer envelopes things get a little more complex, if that were possible. The outer envelope is a business document between you and your postal service, instructing the service on where to deliver the envelope and stating who may take receipt and open it (a good reason not to put "and Family" onto it and allow the five-year-old child of the household to open the invitation). In Britain, Canada, Australia and New Zealand the female head-of-house is assumed to be in charge of the social calendar, so social correspondence is directed solely to her, even though the note or card inside might be addressed to both of them. In the US men are assumed to be equally responsible for the social calendar, so the outer envelope is addressed to both heads-of-house -- which takes away the angst of figuring out how to address social correspondence to same-sex households.

If people do not live together, then standard etiquette requires that they each be sent their own invitation, in their own name and to their own address.

Maggie0829 · October 2013

AroundTheBlock said:

There are several rules of etiquette that "everybody knows", that are not really quite so simplistic as "everybody" thinks they are. The "ladies first" rule is one of them, and it has all manner of nuances. The general rule is, that ladies go first in safe, familial situations: at informal social gatherings, and on the inside address of informal notes that begin "Dear Mary and Joe".
In any potentially-hazardous situation, like crossing minefields, winding your way across a crowded restaurant, getting in and out of moving conveyances such as carriages, commuter-trains and even elevators, or when crossing the continent together on the back of an envelope, the gentleman goes first in order to protect the lady and make her way easier -- unless there is someone hired to provide that service, such as a maitre d'hotel or a railway porter. Formal situations are considered "public" and therefore potentially hazardous for the purposes of this etiquette rule. So it is properly "Mr Smith and Ms Doe" on formal correspondence as long as they live together. The conceit of dropping out the "and" and sticking Joe and Mary on separate lines is a prurient innovation of the late 1970s and is rather in bad taste. Proper etiquette before the "sexual revolution" was to politely ignore any irregularities in people's domestic affairs, and assume that anyone living in an common househod apparently as a couple, should be treated as a married couple and no prying questions asked.
On outer envelopes things get a little more complex, if that were possible. The outer envelope is a business document between you and your postal service, instructing the service on where to deliver the envelope and stating who may take receipt and open it (a good reason not to put "and Family" onto it and allow the five-year-old child of the household to open the invitation). In Britain, Canada, Australia and New Zealand the female head-of-house is assumed to be in charge of the social calendar, so social correspondence is directed solely to her, even though the note or card inside might be addressed to both of them. In the US men are assumed to be equally responsible for the social calendar, so the outer envelope is addressed to both heads-of-house -- which takes away the angst of figuring out how to address social correspondence to same-sex households.
If people do not live together, then standard etiquette requires that they each be sent their own invitation, in their own name and to their own address.

Well I would hope that receiving and opening an invitation is no where near as dangerous as crossing a live minefield.

APDSS22 · October 2013

If you're sending it to the woman's house, I would assume her name would need to go first so that even the most sticky stickler postmen would deliver it to the correct address. I have had some bad postal experiences so I tend to err on the side of getting it delivered on time and to the correct address with the right person opening it as much as possible.

ohmrs2014 · October 2013

Wow I didn't think would one would be so complex. Thanks for all the input and suggestions ladies! Essentially it seems as though the ladies names will go first if they are the ones that I know, but I won't be sending the males a separate invite especially if I don't know them. They would look at like "WTF? Who are these people?" LOL. And if they live together, I will address it to the male first, because I believe I there are only three on the list who are living together but not married and in these cases the males are the ones invited with their SOs, but both names will be on the invite.

But it seems like if they don't have the same last name, I just have to make sure to tell the person doing my envelopes that the names need to go on separate lines and not separated by "and" like a married couple.

Thanks again ladies!!!

AddieCake · October 2013

This reminds me of the bride who was worried there would be guns at her wedding.

ohmrs2014 · October 2013

AddieL73 said:

This reminds me of the bride who was worried there would be guns at her wedding.

@AddieL73 I remember that thread!

CLI242009 · October 2013

50ShadesofMe said:

AddieL73 said:

This reminds me of the bride who was worried there would be guns at her wedding.

@AddieL73 I remember that thread!

Who the hell was she inviting?! o.O

ashleyep · October 2013

AroundTheBlock said:

There are several rules of etiquette that "everybody knows", that are not really quite so simplistic as "everybody" thinks they are. The "ladies first" rule is one of them, and it has all manner of nuances. The general rule is, that ladies go first in safe, familial situations: at informal social gatherings, and on the inside address of informal notes that begin "Dear Mary and Joe".
In any potentially-hazardous situation, like crossing minefields, winding your way across a crowded restaurant, getting in and out of moving conveyances such as carriages, commuter-trains and even elevators, or when crossing the continent together on the back of an envelope, the gentleman goes first in order to protect the lady and make her way easier -- unless there is someone hired to provide that service, such as a maitre d'hotel or a railway porter. Formal situations are considered "public" and therefore potentially hazardous for the purposes of this etiquette rule. So it is properly "Mr Smith and Ms Doe" on formal correspondence as long as they live together. The conceit of dropping out the "and" and sticking Joe and Mary on separate lines is a prurient innovation of the late 1970s and is rather in bad taste. Proper etiquette before the "sexual revolution" was to politely ignore any irregularities in people's domestic affairs, and assume that anyone living in an common househod apparently as a couple, should be treated as a married couple and no prying questions asked.
On outer envelopes things get a little more complex, if that were possible. The outer envelope is a business document between you and your postal service, instructing the service on where to deliver the envelope and stating who may take receipt and open it (a good reason not to put "and Family" onto it and allow the five-year-old child of the household to open the invitation). In Britain, Canada, Australia and New Zealand the female head-of-house is assumed to be in charge of the social calendar, so social correspondence is directed solely to her, even though the note or card inside might be addressed to both of them. In the US men are assumed to be equally responsible for the social calendar, so the outer envelope is addressed to both heads-of-house -- which takes away the angst of figuring out how to address social correspondence to same-sex households.
If people do not live together, then standard etiquette requires that they each be sent their own invitation, in their own name and to their own address.

I love reading your comments! It's fun to read about why a certain rule is the way it is.

The way I'm addressing invitations is to do both names with an "and" on the same line if they live together, married or not. Ladies first I guess.

If they don't, I'll put the name of the person I'm addressing the mail to on the first line and the guest on the second.

AddieCake · October 2013

Her friends and family. Apparently they are routine gun-toters.

short+sassy · October 2013

laurynm84 said:

The female name goes first, I believe, unless they are married and have the same last name then it is Mr. and Mrs. so and so.

I always put the person whose address it is first, whether they are male or female- so as to not confuse the post office. So if you are friends with Sally and her boyfriend is John, you send the invitation to Sally's house and put John's name on a different line:
Ms. Sally Jones
Mr. John Brown

If you are friends with Dave and his girlfriend is Mary you send the invitation to Dave's house:
Mr. David Jones
Ms. Mary Brown

Only use "and" for married couples, whether or not they have the same last name.
Someone correct me if I"m wrong.

THIS!!! Such a good point. The postal service is horrific where I live and get confused over the simplest things.

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