Help - How to handle...

mscearce · October 2013

Who walks me down the aisle...

Long story short, my parents divorced when I was little and my mom remarried. My daddy (real dad) and my dad (step dad) have BOTH always been there for my and I have great relationships with them both...

I want them to both walk me down the aisle... but go figure they can't get along much less talk about anything... this whole planning a wedding as been a headache due to my mom and step-dad not wanting to communicate with my daddy....

My step-dad says I HAVE TO WALK WITH HIM AND ONLY HIM, as he is paying for it all... BUT WAIT they are all freaking splitting the payments for EVERYTHING... and shouldn't this be my choice.....

I can't get this through my mom and step-dads head... yes... my step-dad has done more for me and they are the ones "hosting" the wedding so to say, but my daddy is paying half and giving me whatever I want during the process... not to mention I WANT BOTH of them there for this.....

My daddy says he would be okay if he didn't walk me down but I know he is saying that to keep me from getting stressed out and it would break his heart if he didn't, it would break both of their hearts... I just want them to put their differences aside for once and let them both "give" me away to the man of my dreams...

melbelleup · October 2013

Tell them to act like adults and have them both walk you down. Tell them how much they both mean to you and how you couldn't possibly choose between the two. If your step father is still butt hurt over this, tell him he can either walk you down with your dad or he doesn't have to walk you down the aisle. It is your choice, not theirs.

ETA: spelling

itzMS · October 2013

melbelleup said:
Tell them to act like adults and have them both walk you down. Tell them how much they both mean to you and how you couldn't possibly choose between the two. If your step father is still butt hurt over this, tell him he can either walk you down with your dad or he doesn't have to walk you down the aisle. It is your choice, not theirs.

ETA: spelling

Seconded.

OP, whatever you choose...don't do the "pass off", where one escorts you halfway and passes you off to the other.

Also, remember that walking alone or with your mother or FI are perfectly acceptable options.

nmsa · October 2013

Thirded. You can give your step-father two options: he walks you together with your father, or he does not walk you at all. He will make the choice that he makes.

Be prepared, though, he might come back with two options for you: he walks you alone, or he does not contribute financially to the wedding. Then you will have to decide what's more important to you. (Please note I'm not saying it's fair, just that it's a possibility.)

Jen4948 · October 2013

Fourthed. Tell your parents, all of them, that this is an area not determined by who's paying, but it is determined by who is capable of acting like an adult and respecting your feelings.

Your stepdad may throw a childish fit and refuse to do it at all or otherwise participate, so be ready for that, but he is being obnoxious and childish in trying to dictate to you that he and only he can do it.

radleyboo · October 2013

First, ask Step-Dad to calm down and start behaving like a grown up. Tell him that you love him very much, and acknowledge everything he has done and continues to do for you, but his actions and words are causing you unnecessary stress, and you have enough going on.

Ask him to consider the options given by the PP's: Walk with Dad and be a big boy, the pass-off, no escort at all, walk with Mom, walk with FI. Are there any other men in your life who are important? A grandfather, uncle, cousin, brother, or dear friend? That may be an option too.

smalfrie19 · October 2013

This should be your decision, not theirs, no matter WHO is paying for the wedding..Also FTR this is exactly why my grandfather is walking me down the aisle....

[Deleted User] · October 2013

I vote for the if they don't learn how to act like adults & put their differences aside for your special day you just go "I can't pick just one of you so I've decided to walk down the isle alone"

OliveOilsMom · October 2013

malloryanne09 said:

Who walks me down the aisle...

Long story short, my parents divorced when I was little and my mom remarried. My daddy (real dad) and my dad (step dad) have BOTH always been there for my and I have great relationships with them both...

I want them to both walk me down the aisle... but go figure they can't get along much less talk about anything... this whole planning a wedding as been a headache due to my mom and step-dad not wanting to communicate with my daddy....

My step-dad says I HAVE TO WALK WITH HIM AND ONLY HIM, as he is paying for it all... BUT WAIT they are all freaking splitting the payments for EVERYTHING... and shouldn't this be my choice.....

I can't get this through my mom and step-dads head... yes... my step-dad has done more for me and they are the ones "hosting" the wedding so to say, but my daddy is paying half and giving me whatever I want during the process... not to mention I WANT BOTH of them there for this.....

My daddy says he would be okay if he didn't walk me down but I know he is saying that to keep me from getting stressed out and it would break his heart if he didn't, it would break both of their hearts... I just want them to put their differences aside for once and let them both "give" me away to the man of my dreams...

You need to tell Step-dad that his monetary contribution doesn't give him cart blanche control of the wedding. There are things that the B&G alone have control over -their type of ceremony and who walks with the bride are two.

I do find it odd that if your dad is contributing equally as your mom & step-dad why doesn't he get to host as well? I know that money doesn't equate with hosting, it just seems unfair that your dad isn't getting recognized as a host of the wedding too. And just because step dad is one of the hosts of your wedding, doesn't mean he automatically gets to walk you down the aisle.

mscearce · October 2013

OliveOilsMom said:

I do find it odd that if your dad is contributing equally as your mom & step-dad why doesn't he get to host as well? I know that money doesn't equate with hosting, it just seems unfair that your dad isn't getting recognized as a host of the wedding too. And just because step dad is one of the hosts of your wedding, doesn't mean he automatically gets to walk you down the aisle.

I am trying to fix this, but they are the one who is booked the venue and paying for that and food alone... everything else is spilt... The hosting part is not a big deal with my real dad though... just the walking down the aisle...

photokitty · October 2013

I'd tell them either it's both of you or none of you.

If this does not work...

Second suggestion would be one gets the aisle and one gets the father daughter dance.

Geesh, big babies - sorry you have to deal with this.

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

Fifth-did @melbelleup.

Sorry but contributing financially to a wedding/reception is not random money for who gets to walk you down the aisle, who your attendants are, or any other decisions that have nothing to do with their financial contributions. Think of it this way: if they're paying for the bar, they get a say in the bar. They're not paying for you to walk down the aisle (you can certainly do that without any financial assistance) so you get to choose whoever you want.

If I were you, I would say this to your step dad, "You mean so much to me and I would love for you to walk me down the aisle. I want you to know that I have also asked my bio dad to walk with me also. I realize that the two of you don't get along, but this is a personal decision that I have made. If you want to walk with me, you need to accept that my bio dad will be on the other side. If you're not ok with that, I'll be walking with just my bio dad. I have said the same thing to him. If neither of you are ok with it, then I'll be walking alone."

cowgirl8238 · October 2013

melbelleup said:

Tell them to act like adults and have them both walk you down. Tell them how much they both mean to you and how you couldn't possibly choose between the two. If your step father is still butt hurt over this, tell him he can either walk you down with your dad or he doesn't have to walk you down the aisle. It is your choice, not theirs.

ETA: spelling

This exactly! Also what is your plan for the father daughter dance? I have been to a wedding were the Brides parents were separated and she did one dance with each, and another where halfway through the song the dads switched. I am sorry you are going through this and I really hope they can just get along for the day for you.

Angeles61 · October 2013

daddy lol

phira · October 2013

I have the best solution.

"Dad/Step-dad, I love you very much. I would like you and Step-dad/Dad to walk me down the aisle, because I see both of you as my fathers. If you refuse to walk down the aisle with him, that's okay, but I will take it to mean that you are refusing to walk me down the aisle."

Basically, if one of them refuses to walk with the other one, then he's out. They don't get to demand that ONLY THEY walk you down.

SP29 · October 2013

Agree with the above- monetary contributors don't get a say in who walks you down the aisle- that is your decision alone.

I would tell Step-dad that he can walk down the aisle with you and bio-dad or not at all.

Sorry you're going through this and your dads can't put their big boy pants on and get along for ONE day.

huskypuppy14 · October 2013

Don't punish your real dad because your step-dad is being childish. Tell your step dad you either walk me down with bio dad or you don't walk me down the aisle at all. It's not up for discussion.

crunchymamaof2 · October 2013

First, I think it's wonderful you have two awesome dads in your life. Second, your step dad, no matter how great a dad he is, is acting like a douche. I agree with everyone else who's said to tell him that he either walks together or he doesn't walk at all.

As for the Father Daughter dance, because I can't imagine there wont be an issue there as well, I'd start thinking about solutions to that as well. I'm not a fan of a million spotlight dances. Could you do a mother/son father/daughter dance at the same time, then another dance with your step dad (I'd have your FH dance with someone else as well, if possible, to avoid bio dad thinking step dad is getting "special" treatment or vice versa).

Hopefully step dad will untwist his panties after he sees how stressed out you are. Keep us posted!

mscearce · October 2013

Thanks everyone... I have been saying all of that to him over and over but everytime the subject comes up it always turns into who has done more and who has paid more... It's truly a pain

APDSS22 · October 2013

mscearce said:

Thanks everyone... I have been saying all of that to him over and over but everytime the subject comes up it always turns into who has done more and who has paid more... It's truly a pain

I'm sorry that a grown man is being this childish towards you. Hopefully he knocks it off for your sake.

CTYankeeBride · October 2013

laurynm84 said:

Don't punish your real dad because your step-dad is being childish. Tell your step dad you either walk me down with bio dad or you don't walk me down the aisle at all. It's not up for discussion.

I agree with this exactly. You may need to be prepared for your step-dad to yank his financial contribution to the wedding. That should not be a determining factor in whether or not to speak up about what you want. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this, I know it isn't easy.

blueobsidian · October 2013

mscearce said:

Thanks everyone... I have been saying all of that to him over and over but everytime the subject comes up it always turns into who has done more and who has paid more... It's truly a pain

Don't engage him in the conversation when it comes up. Shut it down as soon as he gets into the pissing contest about who has done more. Just tell him that you have made your decision and it is final, and you will not discuss it further. Then change the subject.

daveANDkristen · October 2013

mscearce said:

Thanks everyone... I have been saying all of that to him over and over but everytime the subject comes up it always turns into who has done more and who has paid more... It's truly a pain

I don't understand what his problem is...

Regardless of who is paying and all that - doesn't he give a single shit what you want?

Please, decline his money and pay for your wedding yourself. He is using money to manipulate you.

mzbda · October 2013

@Angeles61 Hey, I say Daddy too! lol, and yes I am a grown woman. I foresee this in my future as well. I say it's your choice. Hopefully your step-dad will put on his big boy pants and do what is important for YOU.

FutureMrsN3312 · October 2013

I agree with everyone else about them growing up and acting like adults...

I had a friend in a similar situation. She did this...she walked half way down the isle with her step dad. At the half way point her biological father joined in so they could both "give her away".

Her parents divorced when she was like 2. Her mom remarried when she was about 5. She felt her stepdad was always there for her more (mentally, financially, etc) but only walking with him would have crushed her biological father. For them it was the best of both worlds and it worked out.

Maybe this is an option for you?

s-aries8990 · October 2013

blueobsidian said:

mscearce said:

Thanks everyone... I have been saying all of that to him over and over but everytime the subject comes up it always turns into who has done more and who has paid more... It's truly a pain

Don't engage him in the conversation when it comes up. Shut it down as soon as he gets into the pissing contest about who has done more. Just tell him that you have made your decision and it is final, and you will not discuss it further. Then change the subject.

I'd suggest to step dad that he and daddy might as well pull their johnsons out then and there to see who's is bigger... lol

mscearce · October 2013

mzbda said:

@Angeles61 Hey, I say Daddy too! lol, and yes I am a grown woman. I foresee this in my future as well. I say it's your choice. Hopefully your step-dad will put on his big boy pants and do what is important for YOU.

@mzbda glad I'm not the only one... just happened to be my first word and my step dad came into my life when I was 6 and has always been a father figure so instead of calling them both dad or on step dad or by their name I just called bio-father : daddy and step-father : dad... makes it easy and they both know the difference...along with family and friends

mscearce · October 2013

FutureMrsN3312 said:

I agree with everyone else about them growing up and acting like adults...

I had a friend in a similar situation. She did this...she walked half way down the isle with her step dad. At the half way point her biological father joined in so they could both "give her away".

Her parents divorced when she was like 2. Her mom remarried when she was about 5. She felt her stepdad was always there for her more (mentally, financially, etc) but only walking with him would have crushed her biological father. For them it was the best of both worlds and it worked out.

Maybe this is an option for you?

good to know i'm not the only one... I am hoping for this... I have talked to them about sharing a song together and they are fine with them the only issue is my step dad wants to be the one to "give me away" I want both... still trying... thankfully I have a little over 6 months to keep at it

Help - How to handle...

Re: Help - How to handle...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards