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Escort cards

katieg520katieg520 member
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What exactly are those? I see mention of them a lot on here and I have no clue what they are. Is it something I need?
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Re: Escort cards

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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    They are basically just place cards; if you are having a seated reception they are usually somewhere at the entrance of the reception and have your guests names and table assignments on them.

    Alternatively I have seen people list everyone's names on sheets of paper with the table number beside them, and then display these lists in decorative frames.

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    katieg520katieg520 member
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    Ok, we aren't having assigned seating, as it's a small wedding. So I guess I don't need escort cards. Sweet! Thanks!
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    AroundTheBlockAroundTheBlock member
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    "Escort cards" are used at highly formal dinner parties to let each gentleman know which lady he is supposed to escort in to dinner; and at less-formal dinner parties where there is more than a single banquet table, to inform him as to which table he ought to escort her to. At formal dinner parties standard etiquette dictates that husbands and wives do not sit together, so the gentlemen need this extra information ahead of time. The cards are distributed in little envelopes addressed on the outside to the gentleman and handed to him by a servant positioned by the door; inside, the envelope contains a card bearing the lady's name (and optionally a table identifier.)

    At modern weddings, even though most do not adhere to that particular standard-etiquette formality, this formal feature has been co-opted simply to tell guests what their table-number is. You have them available for pick-up near the door and they are often addressed to the couple rather than just the gentleman.

    Escort cards differ from place cards in that there is one escort card per party, but one place card per person; and placecards are set onto the tables before people arrive whereas escort cards are distributed to people as they come in the door. You do not need them if you have a seating chart, and of course you do not need them if you are not having assigned seating.

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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    AroundTheBlock said:

    "Escort cards" are used at highly formal dinner parties to let each gentleman know which lady he is supposed to escort in to dinner; and at less-formal dinner parties where there is more than a single banquet table, to inform him as to which table he ought to escort her to. At formal dinner parties standard etiquette dictates that husbands and wives do not sit together, so the gentlemen need this extra information ahead of time.   Huh, what?  Why?  The cards are distributed in little envelopes addressed on the outside to the gentleman and handed to him by a servant positioned by the door; inside, the envelope contains a card bearing the lady's name (and optionally a table identifier.)

    At modern weddings, even though most do not adhere to that particular standard-etiquette formality, this formal feature has been co-opted simply to tell guests what their table-number is. You have them available for pick-up near the door and they are often addressed to the couple rather than just the gentleman.

    Escort cards differ from place cards in that there is one escort card per party, but one place card per person; and placecards are set onto the tables before people arrive whereas escort cards are distributed to people as they come in the door.   At most weddings I have attended over the past 20 years each guest had an escort card, which basically makes them glorified place cards, lol!  I think there was only one wedding I attended where my FI and I were listed on the same escort card.  You do not need them if you have a seating chart, and of course you do not need them if you are not having assigned seating.



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    s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
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    Usually escort cards are used for assigned tables - they are all placed in one location at the reception hall and direct people to the tables they are going to sit at like:

    'Sallie May
    Table 7'

    If you have assigned seats, there are also usually place cards on the table as well.


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    AroundTheBlockAroundTheBlock member
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    At formal dinner parties standard etiquette dictates that husbands and wives do not sit together, so the gentlemen need this extra information ahead of time.   Huh, what?  Why? 

    I think the idea is, that husbands and wives get to dine with each other so often that they know each others' anecdotes and habits and concerns, and risk falling into that kind of familial talk that excludes their fellow-diners from their conversation; and that the pleasure of new and different dinner partners gives them an audience that is NOT going to finish their jokes for them and argue about the accuracy of their memory, and who will provide them with new jokes, ideas and anecdotes that they will be able to share with their spouse over the next glut of family meals until they have a chance to get out in society again.

    It does rather require that one's guests polish up their skill at making conversation with strangers, and I have noticed that the first few times someone finds himself or herself seated across and down the table from their accustomed partner they are a bit tongue-tied; but if you have a good mix of experienced conversationalists they can usually draw them out. It also makes it a lot easier to find places to seat your singles, since you don't risk that "odd-man-out-in-a-world-of-couples" phenomenon: everybody is the odd-man-out when you mix the seating up this way, so everyone goes out of her way to set everyone else at ease.

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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    AroundTheBlock said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    At formal dinner parties standard etiquette dictates that husbands and wives do not sit together, so the gentlemen need this extra information ahead of time.   Huh, what?  Why? 

    I think the idea is, that husbands and wives get to dine with each other so often that they know each others' anecdotes and habits and concerns, and risk falling into that kind of familial talk that excludes their fellow-diners from their conversation; and that the pleasure of new and different dinner partners gives them an audience that is NOT going to finish their jokes for them and argue about the accuracy of their memory, and who will provide them with new jokes, ideas and anecdotes that they will be able to share with their spouse over the next glut of family meals until they have a chance to get out in society again.

    It does rather require that one's guests polish up their skill at making conversation with strangers, and I have noticed that the first few times someone finds himself or herself seated across and down the table from their accustomed partner they are a bit tongue-tied; but if you have a good mix of experienced conversationalists they can usually draw them out. It also makes it a lot easier to find places to seat your singles, since you don't risk that "odd-man-out-in-a-world-of-couples" phenomenon: everybody is the odd-man-out when you mix the seating up this way, so everyone goes out of her way to set everyone else at ease.

    Interesting!

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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    AroundTheBlock said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    At formal dinner parties standard etiquette dictates that husbands and wives do not sit together, so the gentlemen need this extra information ahead of time.   Huh, what?  Why? 

    I think the idea is, that husbands and wives get to dine with each other so often that they know each others' anecdotes and habits and concerns, and risk falling into that kind of familial talk that excludes their fellow-diners from their conversation; and that the pleasure of new and different dinner partners gives them an audience that is NOT going to finish their jokes for them and argue about the accuracy of their memory, and who will provide them with new jokes, ideas and anecdotes that they will be able to share with their spouse over the next glut of family meals until they have a chance to get out in society again.

    It does rather require that one's guests polish up their skill at making conversation with strangers, and I have noticed that the first few times someone finds himself or herself seated across and down the table from their accustomed partner they are a bit tongue-tied; but if you have a good mix of experienced conversationalists they can usually draw them out. It also makes it a lot easier to find places to seat your singles, since you don't risk that "odd-man-out-in-a-world-of-couples" phenomenon: everybody is the odd-man-out when you mix the seating up this way, so everyone goes out of her way to set everyone else at ease.

    Interesting!
    AroundTheBlock is right -- at truly formal dinner parties, husbands and wives are seated separately. It's supposed to encourage conversation -- otherwise, the spouses would just talk to each other all night, and if they're going to do that, they could just stay home. 

    DH and I generally do this, if I can manage it. If we go to a dinner party, I try to seat near people I want to talk to. Not that I don't want to talk to him, but I see him all the time. I want to talk to the friend I haven't seen in a few weeks who just got engaged, you know?
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    AroundTheBlock said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    At formal dinner parties standard etiquette dictates that husbands and wives do not sit together, so the gentlemen need this extra information ahead of time.   Huh, what?  Why? 

    I think the idea is, that husbands and wives get to dine with each other so often that they know each others' anecdotes and habits and concerns, and risk falling into that kind of familial talk that excludes their fellow-diners from their conversation; and that the pleasure of new and different dinner partners gives them an audience that is NOT going to finish their jokes for them and argue about the accuracy of their memory, and who will provide them with new jokes, ideas and anecdotes that they will be able to share with their spouse over the next glut of family meals until they have a chance to get out in society again.

    It does rather require that one's guests polish up their skill at making conversation with strangers, and I have noticed that the first few times someone finds himself or herself seated across and down the table from their accustomed partner they are a bit tongue-tied; but if you have a good mix of experienced conversationalists they can usually draw them out. It also makes it a lot easier to find places to seat your singles, since you don't risk that "odd-man-out-in-a-world-of-couples" phenomenon: everybody is the odd-man-out when you mix the seating up this way, so everyone goes out of her way to set everyone else at ease.

    Interesting!
    AroundTheBlock is right -- at truly formal dinner parties, husbands and wives are seated separately. It's supposed to encourage conversation -- otherwise, the spouses would just talk to each other all night, and if they're going to do that, they could just stay home. 

    DH and I generally do this, if I can manage it. If we go to a dinner party, I try to seat near people I want to talk to. Not that I don't want to talk to him, but I see him all the time. I want to talk to the friend I haven't seen in a few weeks who just got engaged, you know?
    The only way to truly encourage conversation amongst people who don't know each other is to make sure you have enough extroverts.  If everyone is an introvert, you can separate spouses all you want and it's not going to work.

    To be honest, if I went to a party with FI and we were purposely split up like that, I'd be pretty annoyed.  Forced socialization sucks, and while I'm an extrovert, sometimes I just don't feel like trying to make small talk with people I don't know.

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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    Well, I didn't say you had to do it. I said DH and I do it at parties with our friends. If you don't want to, you don't have to! :)
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    Well, I didn't say you had to do it. I said DH and I do it at parties with our friends. If you don't want to, you don't have to! :)
    Yeah, yeah. . .I was just saying if I was made to do it, lol!

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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    Well, I didn't say you had to do it. I said DH and I do it at parties with our friends. If you don't want to, you don't have to! :)
    Yeah, yeah. . .I was just saying if I was made to do it, lol!
    Well that's fair. I don't always like to do it. I am, by nature, an introvert, so when I'm in unfamiliar or stressful situations, my anxiety gets worse and I prefer to be with DH. At his family's Thanksgiving dinners, which are hell on earth, I stick to his side like glue, because being caught alone by one of his family members should be counted as torture under the Geneva convention.

    But if it's dinner at our friends' houses, like the friend who was GM in our wedding, I'm like, "Yeah, go have a beer, I'll be here drinking wine, bye."
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    AroundTheBlockAroundTheBlock member
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    The only way to truly encourage conversation amongst people who don't know each other is to make sure you have enough extroverts.  If everyone is an introvert, you can separate spouses all you want and it's not going to work.

    To be honest, if I went to a party with FI and we were purposely split up like that, I'd be pretty annoyed.  Forced socialization sucks, and while I'm an extrovert, sometimes I just don't feel like trying to make small talk with people I don't know.
    I think the reason that they call them "social" events, is to alert everyone involved to the expectation that they will make the effort to socialize. That's one of the obligations that guests take on when they have the pleasure of accepting their hostess's kind invitation.

    It is not really a matter of introversion versus extroversion. One of the most skilled social conversationalists I know is a marked introvert in her early twenties -- but she has intentionally learned the skill. Extroverts may pick up the skill more easily, I suppose, but I don't have any evidence to support that speculation: being energized by social attention doesn't translate directly to being alert to the needs and interests of the other people at the table.
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    casey8784casey8784 member
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    Well that's fair. I don't always like to do it. I am, by nature, an introvert, so when I'm in unfamiliar or stressful situations, my anxiety gets worse and I prefer to be with DH. At his family's Thanksgiving dinners, which are hell on earth, I stick to his side like glue, because being caught alone by one of his family members should be counted as torture under the Geneva convention.

    But if it's dinner at our friends' houses, like the friend who was GM in our wedding, I'm like, "Yeah, go have a beer, I'll be here drinking wine, bye."
    Last Thanksgiving (first "big" family event with my then-boyfriend) I made the mistake of going into another room than my (now)FI.......a few months later I found out that FI's brother-in-law announced to everyone who was in the kitchen (FI's parents, aunts, uncles, grandmother - all the "VIPs") that I was pregnant! FI had major damage control to do, and he swears that his almost cried when she found out that it *wasn't* true! Eek.

    This Thanksgiving I think I'll be sticking to his side for most of the day...
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    KickAssMOHKickAssMOH member
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    I also used my escort cards to note what each person would be eating for dinner that night (based on their RSVPs). It was written in really small font in the back corner of the card. It was helpful because I also noted gluten or diary allergies this way, and made note of vegetarian choices. My venue told me that it helped them to better cater to the needs of my guests.
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    AroundTheBlockAroundTheBlock member
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    MuppetOverlord said:
     
    I suggest NOT separating spouses at any event.  Just thinking about my friends and families.... people would leave pretty quickly. My husband and his friend were separated from us at the head table when they were in someone else's wedding.

    The other wife and I wanted to leave then.

    A guest at this kind of highly-formal dinner does have the right to expect her hostess to have fulfilled all the other responsibilities of a formal hostess -- greeting her guests at the door and introducing them to other guests so that their spouse is not the only person they know to talk to, designing her table seating so that you really do have compatible tablemates, selecting your partner to be someone who will escort you properly not just by walking in to the diningroom with you and setting your chair and pouring your wine but also by drawing you out conversationally.

    It comes with practice, and eventually you get enough practice that you become the one your hostess relies on to draw out and set at ease those less-experienced shyer guests. But there certainly are social circles where very few people have that practice, and if no-one in your circle is good at small-talk and socializing it is probably a safe coping mechanism to keep them seated together.

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    tammym1001tammym1001 member
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    If you have people assigned to specific tables then you need to have escort cards at the door to let them know what table they are sitting at.

    If you have people assigned to specific seats at that table then you need place cards to let them know what seat to sit in once they get to their table. 

    If you don't have either of those things then you don't need escort cards or place cards.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    I have been to plenty of weddings with H where we have sat together and we were both very capable of talking to the others around us and not just to each other.  We do not have to be separated to be forced to converse with others.  In fact we enjoy speaking with others at events together as a couple and separate as individuals. 

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    SP29SP29 member
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    edited October 2013
    A very interesting tradition AroundTheBlock speaks of. I'll call it a tradition, because that's the way formal dinners were carried out, though I don't think it has anything to do with etiquette (or that not separating a husband and wife is against etiquette- most would think the opposite in this current time). 

    I've just started watching Downton Abbey again and it reminded me of this. Often when a formal dinner party would be held, invited guests could include family members (and often extended members who lived elsewhere), political persons, wealthy patrons or business owners, and other persons presiding over counties and the like. Often "VIPs" were invited because they happened to be in the area. So you could have guests who were single, guests plus their SO, or a married guest who was travelling without their SO, some guests who knew others and guests who knew no one. With such a variable group, it would make sense to separate and group guests to encourage conversation so no one was left out on the side lines. A guest also did not leave their seat during dinner and after dinner the sexes could be split for a time to socialize. 

    I think this is a very different social atmosphere from how most people conduct themselves socially today. Unless you are in a position of power/ ownership (which would essentially be someone with politic stance in the US or CAN) who would be inviting other similar people to a formal dinner to forge familiar bonds, most people would not invite "randoms" over for dinner and you stick to your circle of friends, where everyone knows each other and is comfortable mingling with everyone.

    My friends and I are the same- we often have large group gatherings and though often during dinner SOs will sit together, if at someone's house, we may get up to get more food or drink, often switch places throughout the night to talk to another friend, or even strike up a conversation in the kitchen getting food or drink. The rules are much more free flow. 

    I think this is where the topic of etiquette versus tradition becomes interesting and debatable. Etiquette, pure and simple, is treating your guests with respect and putting their care and attention above your own. Though what AroundTheBlock describes would have been considered normal for the time, and proper, that social convention has changed. Lots of social conventions have changed- and that's ok. The "tricky" part is deciding if these changes are etiquette faux pas. 

    Going back to Downton again (because it's really the only "current" frame of reference I have, and the show is awesome :P), I remember an episode where Lord Grantham had a mishap with his white tie outfit and showed up to a white event in his black tie outfit and his mother made the comment that she thought he was a waiter because he was not appropriately dressed. How many of us today would ever dream of having to decide between whether the event we were going to called for white vs. black tie? Reading some of the posts on this board, people are happy not to see guests show up in jeans. 
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